Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Metsography: The Lost Blogs of 2004 Part One

The first blog on this here site came on April 27th, 2005.

But it wasn't my first blog.

I thought it would be fun to give you some deep insight into my psyche (and hopefully you won't need too much therapy afterwards) after rummaging through some old e-mails and finding some of the musings that I shared only with those in the inner circle back in 2004.

These e-mails would have made great blogs if this site had existed back then, and it would be a shame if these went to waste. So consider these the equivalent of the lost "Honeymooners" episode, or the special edition of 20/20 when Geraldo Rivera opened up Al Capone's vault and found nothing...which is about what Willie Randolph found in the Mets bullpen last season. A bunch of these in a row may make it seem like it's in book form, so we're splitting them up into two parts (which buys me another week before I have to come up with something new!) You're going to need some time to get through all of these.

As you read these, be prerared for anger beyond anything you've ever read. And it's funny that today is the day that these come out...a day which started with Carlos Delgado putting on a jersey that says "Mets" on it, and ended with Billy Wagner getting ready for his first Flushing physical. My Mets state of mind at this very moment is 180 degrees from what it was when I wrote these "blogs". Even when I re-read these I am astonished by the serious issues I had with humanity. I still have them, but thanks to Omar Minaya, they're just in remission. So get ready to re-live the anger and the hate from your own lives through the lost blogs:

First, we go all the way back to October 17th, 2003, after the Aaron Boone home run, in an e-mail entitled "The White Flag":

"I wanted to write a long note about how much my life as a sports fan resembles that of a man who gets locked in a room and beaten and whipped every 20 minutes, and every time he sees a ray of light or an escape route out of that room, somebody thwarts his escape attempt and steps up the beatings.

I wanted to write about such things as Chad Pennington breaking his hand in a preseason game, Eric Lindros knocking the Rangers out of the playoffs in 1997, then joining the Rangers and knocking them out of the playoffs every year since. The Devils winning 3 Cups and being present for the last one. Being present for the Yankees beating the Mets at Shea in 2000. The Giants going to the Super Bowl and costing me money.

But tonight took the cake. Aaron Boone, who went 0 for the ALCS, takes the Yankees to the World Series and as much as it was a great game and allegedly great for baseball, I can't suppress my overwhelming desire to puke.

Tonight convinced me that there is just no hope. Ever. I will never, ever, see a team that I like win a championship ever again. I will never, ever see a curse broken. I'll see lots of teams I HATE win. I'll hear lots of people tell me that they'll root for the enemy because "We'll, they're a New York area team", as if I am going to look at them and say "You know, you're absolutely right!"

The Yankees will beat the Marlins. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if the Yankees became the first team ever to go down 0-3 and win. There's something they haven't done yet. (Editor's note: Obviously, my prophet skills were starting to take shape at this point, but the visions were a bit fuzzy...I saw the Yankees, and a comeback from 0-3 down. What I didn't see was the Red Sox, or 2004.)

There will be a Giants/Dolphins Super Bowl in my lifetime. Maybe this year. The Dolphins will win.

NHL players will be locked out forever as the league re-forms in Europe. The Paris Devils will then form a dynasty by winning 7 straight Chirac Cups. One year they will beat the Siberia Rangers for the Chirac Cup on an overtime goal by Bobby Holik, who will be traded back to the Devils for a draft pick in the year 2745.

The Jets will go 15-1 one year only to lose in the first round of the playoffs after everybody on the team breaks their leg in seperate car accidents...except for the quarterback who will cut off a finger hedgeclipping with Bobby Ojeda. (Editor's note: I say losing four quarterbacks in one season is close enough, don't you?)

The Mets will move to Portland, Oregon and, only after I disavow them forever, beat Boston to win the World Series. There will be something about a ground ball going through Nomar's legs.

My two future sons, Eric and Lyle, will be Yankees fans. They will see their team win 27 more World Championships. Unfortunately for them, they will eventually be involved in an infamous trial for murder. They will have shot their father in the head with a shotgun after he tells them that Hall of Famer Derek Jeter was overrated.

They'll be acquitted.

I'll be dead.

But until then you will find me in the bathroom. Puking and clogging the toilet.

I'll never learn."
July 3rd, 2004...just two days after the July 1st Yankee/Red Sock game which included the Derek Jeter slip and fall into the stands after making a routine running catch entitled "Why I Hate FOX Sports":

"It's not enough that all day Friday I had to hear non-stop from ESPN what a great and exciting game that Red Sox/Yankees game was on Thursday. I heard that Derek Jeter is the greatest baseball player ever, a living legend, and the greatest American ever to walk the face of the earth. Fine. You would think a Met victory on Friday would stem the Yankee-tide a wee little bit.

That was before I witnessed the birth of a brand new Yankee network.

It was formerly FOX Sports. Today, it re-debuted as WDJN...the Derek Jeter Network. The DJN pregame show with Jeannie Zelasko and Kevin Kennedy (you remember them from when they took turns orally satisfying Jeter after Game 3 of the 2001 ALDS when he flipped a ball 25 feet to the catcher and Jeremy Giambi forgot to slide) giving us a five minute recap of Thursday's game, by this point 36 hours old. And, true to form, Jeannie and Kevin provided us with a "blow by blow" of why Jeter should be president, prime minister, and special ambassador to the U.N. Why? Because Thursday night, Jeter forgot to dive on a pop up, and instead caught it running, took seven steps before hitting his head on the seat like a moron, and messing up his pretty face. It was then, and only then, that this game became an "Instant Classic" (Why? because Michael Kay said so).

So, when Jeannie and Kevin were done, and after we recapped every great play Derek Jeter ever made in the majors, minors, and T-ball league, it was finally time to see highlights from Friday night's games...a perfect opportunity to show us Kaz Matsui's 2 HR's against the mighty Sterlings from the Bronx, right? WRONG!!! Instead, we got White Sox/Cubs and Athletics/Giants highlights. Never would the fine people at WDJN show highlights of, or even REFER TO, a Yankee loss!!!

Then back from break, I sat through a 3 minute reminder of how the Yankees have beaten the Mets 700 times out of 712 in interleague play (at least those were the numbers WDJN presented), and of course the 2000 World Series. Still no mention of Friday's game. Then, to punctuate my hell, into the last commercial, the last picture I see? Derek Jeter's face over fireworks. How utterly American.

So then the game, and in between a poll question asking who the greatest leader EVER is (Derek Jeter, Rudy Guiliani, or Don Corleone), and promos for Tony Clark's upcoming Yankeeography, the Mets won perhaps another instant classic against the Bronx infidels. Too bad if you missed it though. You see, because the Mighty Jeters lost the game, highlights of it will be buried by all the sports networks so that they can present a feature on Derek Jeter's new cookbook entitled "Derek Jeter's Chicken Kiev for Winners" followed by a rebroadcast of the Yankee win over the Red Sox on Thursday.

See, I've learned my lesson. Even if the Mets sweep the Yankees, it doesn't matter. Because they have two networks (YES, and the network formerly known as FOX), and will soon have Randy Johnson to make up for any hurt feelings George will have after losing two or three games to the Mets. Us? We'll trade for Ramon Ortiz and raise the price of water at Shea to $4.50 a pop to pay for his contract. They'll play in the World Series again, we'll listen to Art "I'll fool the Yankees by warming up the right hander, and then bringing in the lefty to force Joe Torre to pinch hit for A SWITCH HITTER" Howe tell us how the Mets battled, and how the ball just didn't bounce their way. They'll air Howe's comments on WDJN.

Thankfully I can change the channel. I think tonight I'll try out the Lakers' new network, ESPN, which now stands for the Earvin, Shaquille, and Phil Network (although Jerry Buss has made a promise to rename it KOBE sports). They are currently in the middle of a riveting 25 part series which tours potential summer homes that Kobe can buy for his wife...just to say "I'm sorry." Jim Gray reports..."
July 31st, after Jim Duquette's deadline deals, entitled "Way to go Kris Benson":

"You cost us half of the farm and you can't even make it to the sixth inning. But hey, at least your wife can now start her modeling career in New York because that's all that really counts anyway (www.annabenson.net).

I can't wait until Victor Zambrano blows out his elbow on his third pitch as a Met and Scott Kazmir becomes the left-handed Nolan Ryan. What happened Mr. Duquette? Jim Fregosi wasn't available? Or does he make too much money?
Here's an idea...perhaps you can trade David Wright for Benson from the hit ABC series of the early 80's. His character obviously worked cheap, and I think you can lock him up for a few years before he DIES!

Speaking of dying, Fred Wilpon you lying sack of s**t, just move the team to Oregon and get it over with you small market psycho...and take your son Paris Hilton with you. Not only is your team old, you're taking years off of MY life. So move to the small market you so desperately crave and give me my freakin' summers back so I can channel my energy into something positive instead of wishing that a big chunk of concrete from Wrigley Field falls on your head!!!!!!

Then maybe we can turn Shea Stadium into something constructive, like an Arby's."

August 12th, after a week-long dispute between Time Warner and Cablevision over Mets games:

"Dear Time Warner,

I am writing to you as a concerned baseball fan about the recent confict between your organization and Cablevision regarding MSG Network, FOX Sports, and Metro Sports.

As you know, for the past week, Mets fans have been shut out of watching their favorite team play baseball in favor of a gray screen telling us that you "went to bat for us". I understand that Cablevision prevented you from legally carring those stations that air Mets baseball, but I also understand that you were making money by offering less money to us as a rebate ($2.00 per month) than Cablevision was asking ($2.90 per month per customer).

It was a pleasant surprise tonight when I flipped on MSG to check on the status of negotiations when Mets baseball graced my screen. I couldn't tell you how happy I was. However, what I saw offended my senses. What I saw made me want to put my head through a wall.

What I saw, was Mets baseball.I saw Matt Ginter give up 3,000 runs in the first inning. I saw Mike Piazza go on the DL with more styles of facial hair in the past month than he has hits. I saw Joe McEwing and Jason Phillips stealing at bats from more deserving 5th graders. I saw Art "Don't Know" Howe manage another game like Enron once managed their books.

This past week, for the first time in a while, I suffered no heart palpitations, had no arguments with my family, and I went a full week without kicking my cat across the room. Then, after my first four innings reunited with Mets baseball, I was cut out of the will, I called 9-1-1 seventeen times, and Fluffy traveled further than a Vance Wilson pop up.

So Time Warner, I ask you, as a concerned citizen, as a cable television consumer, to bring back the blank screen and give us our rebates back.

Cable television has long been accused of being crooks and shysters, only worried about the bottom line. I implore of you as a consumer, to change that perception and give back to the community. Give back $2.00 a month, and give us back our sanity."
Next Week: More "Lost Blogs"

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

I remember that e-mail after Aaron "f'in" Boone hit the homer in the 11th...I think I called you and asked if you had really lost it....

Mario

P.S. By the way...The Giants did not cost you money, you did because you do not put money on a team that is 0-4 in Super Bowls...besides, Jim Fassel guarenteed it!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I guess the lobotomy is working out for you. The content of your posts has improved vastly (much like Buffalo Bill's improvement from Miss Hester Mofet), but maybe those rants would look better (i.e., less insane) if you added the various photos and illustrations that are the hallmark of your fine work these days.

pj

Patrick Burke said...

Dear Metstradamus,

The following paragraphs below should give you ample ammunition to go nuts on the Kris and Anna Benson. Below is the bio from her webpage word-for-word. She is just inviting the rath of the might Metstradamus. Make me proud.

Your blog rules.

Irreverent humanitarian Anna Benson is not just another pretty face; she is a woman to be seen and heard. With countless magazine layouts hitting the stands, she balances her time between photo shoots, interviews, and charitable endeavors.

Anna will be featured on VH1’s highest rated show, the Fabulous Life, this summer. She has been featured in several publications, including FHM, Sports Illustrated, and The New Yorker. Her sharp wit and bold assertions make her a New York Post Page 6 and US Weekly favorite. And most recently, Anna has discovered a new hobby: Texas Hold’em. After a crash course on the game and only thirty days of practice, Anna competed in the 2005 World Series of Poker. Anna The Gold Digger Benson outlasted more than half the field of experienced poker players. WPT Champion Tuan Le acquiesced that, “Anna has a natural instinct for the game; I think she will develop into a great poker player.”

But this pretty poker diva donates more than mere good looks. Her namesake charity, Benson’s Battalion, is a nonprofit organization devoted to fighting terrorism in local communities. Founded in October of 2001 with her husband, New York Mets pitcher Kris Benson, the Battalion has assisted numerous police departments, fire departments, and Emergency Medical Services through funding for equipment, supplies, and education. The Battalion was created in response to September 11, 2001. After donating $50,000.00 to the United Way, Anna and Kris still wanted to do more, and the Battalion allows them to stay actively involved in the protection of their communities. Senator Melissa Hart honored Benson’s Battalion in congress in the early part of 2004.

The minimal time that Anna has left is dedicated to managing her husband’s career, raising her three children, and contributing countless hours to several local charities, such as The American Red Cross, The Salvation Army, and St. Barnabas Hospital, where she has presided over “Presents for Patients” for the past four years. However, it is The Children’s Hospital that remains particularly close to Anna’s heart because it allows her to bring joy to children who have otherwise experienced so much pain. This love for children inspires Anna’s newest endeavors, including lobbying for children’s rights on Capitol Hill. She is a true humanitarian with a heart of gold and is always trying to make life better for society.

But this Georgia peach isn’t always as sweet as she seems. A fiery personality coupled with a passion for human rights, women’s issues, and especially children’s issues has earned Anna a reputation of a tell-it-like-it-is bombshell. This was demonstrated in a not so recent but still talked about interview with Howard Stern.

This passion and tenacity reaches into every facet of Anna’s life. Inspired by the athleticism of her husband, Anna has become serious about health and fitness. She educated herself and transformed her diet and workout regimen. She has even become involved in Extreme Fighting, which is yet another example of her all-out approach to life. She enjoys the mental, physical, and medical benefits of a healthy lifestyle and encourages everyone around her to do the same.

With her ability to reach a vast and diverse group of women, Anna intends to share her stories and knowledge in order to inspire women to achieve their individual goals.

erik love said...

Can somebody put something in Anna's mouth for me?

My Zipper's stuck....

Anonymous said...

Thank god for anna benson. our local communities are now terror free.

jabair said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
jabair said...

you are definately right about the anger....

the giants are NOT 0-4 in superbowls...

look @ that pic of kris and anna... he is definately not banging her... absolutely no confidence in his eyes.... i think they're "just friends" now...

Anonymous said...

Jabair....

I know my Giants history...I know that they are not 0-4, they have won 2 out of 3 Super Bowls and the team that I am talking about is the team that Metsradamus lost his money on...the Minnesota "sex boat cruisin'" Vikings....41-0.

Mario

JeterBoy said...

The comment about "never seeing a curse broken" and the 0-3 comemback are pretty prophetic. I forgot about your comment about the hockey strike and that it would become a European league. Who would have thought at the time that an entire season would be missed? Did hockey ever start up again?

Metstradamus said...

With the lack of hitting going on now, some would say it is a European league.

But I'm not complaining as long as the Rangers are where they are.

jdon said...

long live tom renney. and no milledge for zito--he has a year to Free Agency--how can Beane demand a lot for him?

jabair said...

some team horny for pitching will give up the farm to billy beane for zito... they always do