Thursday, November 24, 2005

Mets, Marlins Trade Again

The Mets, who seized the opportunity to upgrade at first base in response to the Marlins' newest financially related problems, have upgraded again courtesy of Florida for the second time in twenty four hours.

Omar Minaya has bolstered the on field entertainment by acquiring mascot Billy the Marlin. In return the Marlins receive Isiah Kroetz, a backup member of the Pepsi Party Patrol, and Leif Engleby, their top peanut vendor in the left field corner. The Mets will also receive some cash to help pay Billy's salary. The amount must be approved by a joint commission which includes Bud Selig and the San Diego Chicken.

"We are pleased to be able to add a mascot of Billy's calibre to the New York Mets" said Omar Minaya via conference call, "Billy brings endless enthusiasm and and many tools to the table, including a rocket for a water launcher, and one of the longest appendages in the league. We think Billy will be an excellent addition to the Mets organization."

The Mets plan to use Billy the Marlin as the amphibious half of a lethal mascot platoon with long time standout Mr. Met. On paper, it's the strongest mascot tandem in the league. But these with two top flight mascots will be fighting for face time, and there will be questions as to whether the two can work together after their infamous t-shirt launching incident back in 1995.

""Let me make this clear, Mr. Met is still our primary mascot" said Mets C.O.O. Jeff Wilpon "but we have to be careful not to overuse him and diminish his effectiveness. We've actually been looking at mascots around the league as pure backups, but when Florida made their whole team available, acquiring a mascot with the success of Billy the Marlin was an opportunity that frankly, we would have been silly to pass up."

The Marlins, who will immediately make Engleby their main hot dog vendor behind home plate, believe they got as much as they can considering the circumstances.

"We certainly appreciate all of Billy's service to the ball club and we wish him nothing but the best" said Marlins president David Samson, "but in this time of market correction, we can no longer have a payroll higher than our revenues. To that end, we felt that Billy the Marlin was too rich for our blood. For us, Engleby provides some stability behind the plate, and we feel he can make a smooth adjustment from peanuts to hot dogs. As for Kroetz, we liked his versatility and feel that with the smaller crowds in our stadium, he would have a good chance to launch t-shirts to every fan in the house on a given night."

Billy the Marlin, who will be expected to learn the art of the water balloon in the Argentinian mascot winter league to help him negotiate the left field wall at Shea Stadium, expressed mixed emotions at the trade from his beach house in Fort Lauderdale.

Certainly over the last few days I've come to expect this" said Billy, who will legally change his name to Billy the Met over the winter "but it doesn't make it any easier. I spent some great years in South Florida, and a trade can't wipe that out. But I'm looking forward to the challenge of being a mascot in the biggest and best city in the world. I'm looking forward to the different bullpen fung shui as a challenge to develop different methods of soaking opposing relief pitchers. And I feel I could learn a lot backing up Mr. Met. He's a giant in the industry and I'm looking forward to working with him."

The question now is, can Mr. Met work with Billy? Mr. Met couldn't be reached for comment, but team sources expect him to be present during the winter caravan, where he will most likely hold a news conference regarding the acquisition.

Peter Gammons on the deal: "The Marlins originally asked for Cow Bell Man back before the trade deadline in July but Omar Minaya declined. The rumors of a Billy the Marlin-to-New York deal heated up again during the World Series, as Billy had a face to face with Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria. Billy was upset about the firing of Jack McKeon, but rumors of Billy demanding a trade were untrue. Finally, as the Marlins' decided to cut payroll, Omar Minaya made a midnight phone call to the Marlins, and the deal got done. Chemistry with Mr. Met, and the ability to soak the visitors bullpen over the left field wall will be issues BUT...under as long as Mr. Met understands that he is the primary mascot on this team, then this is going to be a tandem that's going to dominate for a long long time."

Happy Thanksgiving!

(Disclaimer: Any similarities to actual trades, hot dog vendors, Pepsi Party Patrol members, or ESPN Baseball Insiders are purely coincidental...kind of.)


jabair said...

youre pretty creative john!!! LOL...

hope delgado isnt the second coming of alomar or bonilla

Travolta said...

Classic. But don't forget that Billy the Marlin participated in the infamous "Dolphin Safe Tuna Protests" of 2003, as a result of which his patriotism and commitment to being a fish were seriously questioned.

Anonymous said...

hilarious. the addition of the peter gammons insight was icing on the chocalate cream pie.


p.s. who are you having thansgiving with? Garfield?

The Metmaster said...

Is it true that Billy refuses to stand during renditions of "Under The Sea"?

Anonymous said...

the trade is only valid if he changes his name to billy the metenize, as all met acquisitions have to have a z in there name or some latin flavor. :@]

jabair said...

LOL... you guys are hilarious...

john said...

I visit the site everyday but when I saw this i just had to post. That was great man.

Metstradamus said...


If you haven't had a Thanksgiving Lasagna, trust me you haven't lived.


Anonymous said...


I have an Italian love interest and have had many a Thanksgiving that included a "Primi" of ziti, stuffed artichokes, or eggplant rolatini (in fact this year I made the gravy). I also enjoy a good lasagna from time to time. But when I go back for seconds on Thanksgiving I'm getting a second helping of bird and some sweet potatoes with marshmallow goo.

My favorite dish this year was the big piece of Marlin that Omar brought to the table.

Anonymous: Billy can change his name to anything he likes so long as it is not Kaz the Marlin or Jose Offermarlin!

New ad campaigns:
Last year was Marlon at first base; this year is a former Marlin at first base.

Last year was Cameron Diaz in right field; this year is X-rated.


Metstradamus said...

pj, that's the great thing about Thanksgiving...there are no wrong answers!

Jose Offermarlin is priceless!

Itsmetsforme said...

damn, i gotta read your blog BEFORE i make my annual posts. I did the billy marlin angle too, a little bit. and a day later.

i guess there's a limited amount of funny out there when it comes to the shmets. And mascots are funny.

but when i was "researching" billy the marlin, i found some pretty fun stuff, like the fact that billy had to go to court a couple years ago in around 2000 when he beaned some old fart with a t-shirt bazooka. I think Billy also lost his head skydiving at some point.

Metstradamus said...

You mean there was actually a t-shirt throwing incident? Hey I was kidding!