People of America,
I hit a baseball during Saturday's spring training game that in any other ballpark, or on any other day, would have been a home run that would have made Mickey Mantle bow to me. Instead, it didn't even reach the warning track.
Meanwhile, on the same day in the same park, noted slugger Luis Castillo smacked a three run HR to left field.
I ask you why this is. Why is it that on every other single day this spring I could have bunted a ball over the right field wall, yet this sure home run on a ball hit so hard that Jose's thyroid went nuts at the mere sound, I flied out to short right and my average dropped to .012 on the spring? Why? The wind blows out for everyone and their mother (and Emilio Bonifacio and his mother as well), but I get the Citi Field wind tunnel simulator. Why?
I blame you, America.
That's right, I blame you and your greenhouse gas emissions and your aerosol sprays and your constant grilling of hamburgers at the Shake Shack stand that is causing global warming to produce these weird weather patterns that blow out home runs for Luis Castillo and Emilio Bonifacio, but bring me one fly ball closer to getting released. Where was the wind when I hit the double play ball to end the game? Of course! Gone! Gone like my home run should have been. What's next, America? Hey I know, how about causing the next ice age and forcing me to take up curling, where I will surely be booed by you ungrateful Met fans every time the wind blows my stone back behind the hog line.
So America, I beg of you ... can you mix in a salad once in a while so I can make this f&%#ing team?
P.S. Do it for the kids.
But more importantly, do it for my batting average.