Thursday, October 09, 2008

The Florida Marlins: Behind The Blow

Well, another red letter season has come do an end (and that red letter is F ... I'll let you figure out what that stands for.) And believe it or not, I still have s**t to say. The following is one in a series of random stuff I'm throwing against the wall about person or persons of my choosing. These are your New York Mets: Behind the Blow.

Somebody asked me if I was going to put the Marlins organization on the ballot for the annual Hall of Hate vote in 2009, after knocking out the Mets in 2007 and 2008. I can't do it ... because in '09, they end the season in Philadelphia instead of New York. So we might need them.

Now when they inevitably lie down and die against Philly to give them their third straight division title, then I'll think about it.

By the way, the Marlins have re-signed Wes Helms. I just thought I would mention that.

For close to four full seasons, I've tried like hell to point out the crimes of baseball: Suit-wearing casual fans invading ballparks. Shane Victorino being the Theo Fleury of baseball. Brett Myers hating the Mets and being an otherwise pillar of society. Cody Ross waiting to yell at Mike Pelfrey until he was a safe distance away from him. Hanley Ramirez and his intense jealousy about New York that festers into hate. Wallace Matthews' writing about the Mets as if he's that kid who's three feet shorter than you that keeps daring you to hit him.

Baseball criminals all.

But the worst part about the Mets spitting the bit two years in the row is that I can't keep the criminals out anymore. They've stormed the castle and they're drinking our alcohol. And I have nary the energy to argue with them anymore. Shane Victorino? You're not obnoxious at all ... you're gritty and gutty. Myers? You are a pillar of society. Cody Ross? Yeah, you're absolutely right ... how dare Mike Pelfrey's fastball run inside. Hanley Ramirez? Yeah, those days where you have hundreds and not thousands of fans at your football stadium? New York's fault ... totally. Wallace Matthews? You're completely writing what's in your heart, and not trying to break records for negative comments ... totally. Jimmy Rollins? You're right. Baseball needs more robots. How dare we show emotion? Bandwagon fans who get their tickets for free and know nothing about what they're watching? Sure, pose for pictures during play and block my view. What do I care? I'm just a paying customer ... which is latin for "sucker".

Though I will say that the new shirt that the Marlins are selling on their website has gone a little too far.

Also available in black or teal.

(Updated Editor's note: And with this, the venom is back. Because we need Joba Chamberlain's f***ing hat in the hall of fame to encourage the bloated legacy of a guy who hasn't pitched 150 innings in his career ... but he's a Yankee so let's all bow!!! But before you get upset about the lack of items from Shea Stadium's last game in comparison to all the Yankee items, don't be so sure that the Mets hadn't sold everything to the highest bidder already.)

6 comments:

MetFanMac said...

One, of course, being directly tied to the other--those consecutive collapses have completely dried up our last bit of ammuntion against, well, everything.

Demitri said...

3 collapses would make me start to envy the Cubs.

Back in the late 90's, I wondered what it would be like to be a Mets fan in Atlanta. Now I know.

And speaking of the Phillies, any thought of signing Pat Burrell? I know he really sucked it the last 2 months, but he seems to be clutch in the postseason, loves hitting at Shea (uh oh) and it couldn't hurt breaking up this Phillies team a bit. I'm looking at you Omar, who didn't see any value pursuing Brad Lidge or JC Romero in the last offseason.

Unser said...

The Phillies have a sign out in centerfield that states: "Ya Gotta Believe" . . .

I now want to puke, repeatedly.

Ed in Westchester said...

Happy belated Birthday Damus.

Metstradamus said...

Ed, Thanks! Happy Birthday to you as well my b-day mate!

And Upstate, I didn't approve your comment for reasons obvious to you but ... message received. Thank you. I probably need to pay attention and do some spring cleaning.

Charity said...

You should check out this ebay auction:

http://cgi.ebay.com/AAron-Heilman-Signed-Baseball-NY-METS-STEINER-COA_W0QQitemZ110297407006QQcmdZViewItem?hash=item110297407006&_trkparms=72%3A1205%7C39%3A1%7C66%3A2%7C65%3A12%7C240%3A1318&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14

It reads:
Aaron Heilman Autographed Baseball

PLEASE GET THIS CRAP OFF OF MY HANDS, AWAY FROM MY STORE, OUT OF MY SIGHT AND PUT IT IN THE SEWER JUST LIKE HE DID TO THE NY METS THE LAST 2 YEARS.

I paid $40 plus $7.50 shipping for this garbage from Steiner Sports and sold them for $70 when no one knew he was a loser. Now Steiner is selling it for 50% off at $39.95 just to get rid of them also.

Oh my Gosh- this guy should have retired years ago but he must have something big on the Mets back office or managers personal life for them to keep him not only on the team, but they actually use this guy to pitch in the games.

I have no idea what to charge for this trash and I feel I should pay you to take it and throw it into Flushing Bay or use it for a throw toy for your dog.

Gosh - here is the deal- For the 1st person to buy this signed baseball- I will give you the following:

* FREE SHIPPING!!
* AN UNSIGNED PHOTO OF JOSE REYES
* AN UNSIGNED PHOTO OF BILLY WAGNER
* AN UNSIGNED PHOTO OF JOHN MAINE
* ANOTHER DIFFERENT UNSIGNED PHOTO OF JOHN MAINE
* STILL ANOTHER DIFFERENT UNSIGNED PHOTO OF JOHN MAINE

IF MY FAMILY LETS ME, I WILL GIVE YOU MY DOG, KIDS, AND GOLDFISH.

I WOULD GIVE YOU MY WIFE BUT THAT MEANS YOU ARE BUYING TWO THINGS THAT ARE WORTHLESS AND THEN YOU WILL REALLY HATE ME.

HERE IS THE KICKER- I HATE THIS BALL SO MUCH- I WILL TAKE YOU TO A GAME AT BRAND NEW CITIFIELD SOMETIME NEXT YEAR (I HAVE SEASON TICKETS), AND IF YOU ARE OF AGE, I WILL BUY YOU A BEER IF YOU STILL WANT TO SIT NEXT TO ME AFTER YOU BUY THIS RUBBISH.

I truly have no way to tell you how sorry I am for selling you this item but good luck bidding anyway and please do not hate me.