Slow Pitch

Has there seriously been talk of Barry Bonds being signed by the Mets?

Seriously?

All right, let's put aside the fact that after a full night of rooting for a Mets team with Barry Bonds as a member would dictate that you take a full scrub bath with iodine after leaving Shea Stadium at night. Put aside your moral qualms for just a second here: At this point what's left of his career, Barry Bonds is a softball player. He plays seven innings, he jogs around the bases, and defense is an afterthought. This is the best the Mets can do to replace Moises Alou?

I advocate a deal for Xavier Nady if that's what it comes down to. But ... if it's a softball player the Mets are after, they have other options. Let's look at some as we do our part to spare the Mets the P.R. nightmare and media coverage bloodsucker known as Barry Bonds:

Jennie Finch, USA: The conversation starts and ends here when it comes to softball players. Finch went 32-0 in 2002 for the University of Arizona, and 15-0 for the U.S. National team in 2004. She would immediately slide into the role of 5th starter for the Mets. And she solves the age issue as she's young enough to be Orlando Hernandez's grand-daughter.

Kaitlin Cochran, Arizona State: She's only a sophomore, but she's already demolished the record books in the Pac 10, with a slugging percentage of .838 and 35 HR's in 377 career AB's. In a sport dominated by pitching, this is an accomplishment. Two problems here though: She's a lefty, and her favorite team is the Dodgers ... which tells me that she'd want to play for a west coast team anyway.

Dusty Diamond, Nintendo: I'm still trying to figure out whether Dusty Diamond is real, or just an old Nintendo video game, but it's addicting nonetheless.

Les Nessman, WKRP in Cincinnati: The guy I really want is the guy from that softball episode who caught line drives at third base with a beer can in his throwing hand. But since we have David Wright (and since Bailey Quarters isn't available ... I asked), we'll take Nessman who made a spectacular catch to end the episode in right field.

Metstradamus, Hoffman Park: Admittedly, I'm way past my prime, which lasted about two days. But I'm right-handed, I once hit .400 in a season, and spent most of my time playing first base ... although I can spell Luis Castillo and David Wright once in a while. I even had a walk-off hit robbed from me as a speedy runner was inexplicably held at third on a single to center field.

And, I'm young enough to be Julio Franco's grandson.

Please submit your suggestions here.

Sweating The Small Stuff

All right, all right. So Johan Santana is finally, officially a Met (get your jerseys to commemorate the occasion) and we can all relax for the 12 days until pitchers and catchers report. Right?

Well the roster seems to be set ... if you look at the depth chart (which will eventually be updated with Johan's name in place of Jason Vargas), everybody seems to have a purpose from the bench players (between Marlon Anderson, Endy Chavez, Fluff Castro and Damion Easley, all the positions should be covered) and the bullpen, there doesn't seem to be a wasted spot available, as there was when the Mets had Julio Franco, his .112 batting average and his timely knack for hitting into those clutch double plays. But 13 pitchers seem to be a bit much, especially if Orlando Hernandez is going to be the fifth starter instead of Mike Pelfrey, and the Mets decide to send Pelfrey down instead of making him sit around collecting dust bunnies in the bullpen. Then it would be time for that extra bench guy. So who's it gonna be?

Jose Valentin: Familiarality with the organization, plus a soothing effect on Jose Reyes (like Pepto Bismol, I guess) are big pros. Injuries, and the fact that he plays positions that are already taken care of by Easley and Anderson are a negative. Maybe he should rub some Pepto on his joints. Odds: 3-1

Kenny Lofton: The fact that he's been on a playoff team every season from 1995-2007 (minus '05) is a plus. Negatives? Well none of those teams have won the whole thing, and lately he's presided over a 3-1 series lead against the Marlins (Steve Bartman), a 3-0 series lead over the Red Sox (we know how that went), and a 3-1 series lead over the Red Sox (Boston is Kenny's kryptonite, obviously). Not that Lofton had much to do with those collapses ... in fact, Lofton had a very good personal playoff run last season (at least against the Yankees, he only hit .222 against Boston). But if Kenny was graded on mojo and karma, he'd be in existential summer school. Odds: 15-1

Kevin Mench: Now we're talking, right? Righty pop off the bench is a plus. Mench has a career .465 slugging percentage, and 84 K's per 600 AB's isn't horrible. But here's what is horrible: Mench would probably be a pinch hitter on a lot of occasions to try to either break games open, or get the Mets back in the game with one swing. Check out Mench's numbers as a pinch hitter: Peeeeeeeeeee-yoooooooooooooou! Career: 51 PA's and 47 AB's: one lonely HR and a batting average of .106 ... that's not only on the interstate, that's an interstate you'd only find on those kind of roads in Pennsylvania that you drive on in the dead of night and think "I wonder if this is that kind of road where the aliens hang out and beam people up from." Odds: 25-1

Bobby Kielty: Kielty hit a huge home run for the Red Sox in their clinching World Series game against Colorado, and if Ryan Church turns out to be a disaster, Kielty could be that right-handed platoon player that helps save the offense. Ironically, Santana's trade to the Mets would end any hopes of Kielty going back to Boston unless they traded Coco Crisp in a separate trade. Best part about Kielty is that he's a career .281 pinch hitter. Downside: His overall stats are nothing spectacular. And he has big, bright, orange hair. Imagine Sideshow Bob as a Met. Is this a future you want for your children? Odds: 35-1

Chris Shelton: Now here's a guy worth taking a look at. Shelton is currently a member of the Rangers organization, but not on the 40 man roster after Texas acquired pitcher Kazuo Fukumori. You remember Shelton as the guy who hit 2,000 (10) HR's for the Detroit Tigers in April of 2006 and he was everybody's superstud of the year, and the world made him the most popular fantasy pick-up in the free world on May 1st of that year. So if Shelton was up with the Mets in April of '08 he could do some serious damage. The problem is that the season doesn't end on May 1st, and Shelton played his way into the minors for all of 2007, where he only hit 14 HR's for Toledo. Not Arlington, Seattle, or even Florida ... Toledo. Besides, he would probably cost a minor leaguer in return, and I'm not sure we have any more of those after getting Santana. Odds: 45-1

Barry Bonds: Now there's some pop off the bench. Downside: Would there be room in the lockerroom for that big reclining chair? Odds: 2,000,000-1

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He Called Keith A Bum

The fan that took his anger out on Keith Hernandez tonight (you know, the one that Keith pointed out via SNY's cameras and basically made him a star) and called him a bum had some misguided anger issues.

He should have been facing the field when he made that comment.

Many things went wrong for the Mets tonight, not the least of which was Oliver Perez, who was hit hard and knocked around in Tuesday night's 7-3 shellacking by the Braves. Certainly not a good way to start this huge series. But here's a question: Does it worry you in the least that Perez has had his velocity drop 3-4 miles an hour as the announcers pointed out tonight? Eh tu, dead arm?

I don't know what on Moises Alou is dead. He's certainly been killed lately...whether it be in the outfield miscommunicating with and crashing into Lastings Milledge, or banging into outfield walls. But I don't appreciate that Alou returns the favor by killing Mets rallies...first in the fourth inning grounding into a double play with runners on first and third, scoring a run but wiping the bases clean in front of Shawn Green's single which Alou rendered harmless, and then again in the sixth with Carlos Delgado on first base, killing a rally which would have blossomed after David Newhan sparked a two run fifth inning rally with a triple. When a David Newhan RBI gets wasted, and he has...like...five all year (that was just a guess, but when I checked that total to be accurate, lo and behold he actually has five RBI's this year), you're not doing your job. And Moises Alou didn't get the job done on this night.

But whether they're hurt or not, they get no sympathy from me because not only of the magnitude of Tuesday's game, but because the worst part about this is that you know that the Met bashers (Chris Russo and the like) are going to have a field day on Wednesday "Oh, the Mets can't beat the Braves, they stink". Just another reason to put "Air Bud" in your DVD player instead of watching the YES Network during afternoon drive time.

But if you didn't see the game, if you just heard about it somewhere and read the score, you missed this classic exchange between our announcers:

Keith: "I don't drink anymore."

Ron: "You mean during the broadcasts, right?"

Of course, when the announcers providing commentary on their alcohol intake and pointing out heckling fans provide the largest smiles of the night, that's a problem.

***

Congratulations are in order for Barry Bonds' record breaking home run. Not necessarily for Bonds, but for the guy who caught the historic ball who, among a sea of Giants supporters who have been waiting for a chance to not only see the big home run, but catch it and make some money, came down with it. He deserves a lot of credit for his accomplishment.

He deserves a lot more credit because that fan was wearing a METS JERSEY!!! (And a Mets t-shirt underneath. Great job making sure the Mets were a part of two milestones this week.) Great job, Matt Murphy...who by the way is from Queens, NY! Queens! Giants fans invested their whole lives in following Barry Bonds' career, and the guy who catches the money ball is a Mets fan from Queens! He was on his way to Australia, he buys a ticket to this game on the way down, and the money he will probably get for selling that ball just paid for his trip.

Hulking Up

Did anybody catch the top of the first? I'm not talking of the key double play where Tom Glavine got former Met Xavier Nady to ground into and keep the first inning from being a Brandon Phillips type disaster. No, I'm talking about immediately after the double play, when Glavine let out a whoop, and seemed to flex his arms like Hulk Hogan after he pins a poor hapless Barry Horowitz* en route to another victory in Saturday Night's Main Event.

(*I would have used Andre the Giant for this reference, but this the poor Pirates have become the Barry Horowitz of major league baseball.)

But Glavine had to feel good after not being able to get out of the third inning in his last start with a 6-0 lead against Los Angeles. So by all rights and purposes, this really should have been win number 300. Instead, it's merely 299 as the Mets defeated Pittsburgh 6-3 thanks to Glavine and Paul Lo Duca's four RBI's. Glavine's first shot at 300 will come on Tuesday against Milwaukee at Miller Park. And a concerned reader of mind brought up an interesting point which you should keep in the back of your collective heads:

"Glavine goes for win #300 on Tuesday v. the Brewers ... does Barry break the record on the same night and steal our boy's thunder?"

It could happen. Barry Bonds, who's now holding steady at 753 home runs, could steal Tommy Two Teeth's thunder on Tuesday. And wouldn't that be a kick in our heads.

***

Speaking of kicking people in their heads, you know that the voting for the Hall of Hate inductions recently ended, and I'm proud to announce the results:

This Sunday.

That's right, we're making this a big deal. If you've been paying attention you probably already know who won. But for those who are not sure...and even for those who are sure but just appreciate pageantry and pomp, I have decided that I'm going to make the announcement of this year's Hall of Hate inductees live on Mike Silva's Free the Fan radio show this Sunday from 9-11 PM. Because if you can put the major league baseball draft on television, then we can certainly have a Hall of Hate announcement on the radio. So we're going to create a little suspense like the ESPY's. Hey, if the major league baseball draft can be televised, then certainly there's room on America's airwaves for this.

So join me on Mike's show on Sunday night which you can find live here (click on the "listen live" button), or later on in the evening here . In addition to the announcement, I will be guest judging the talent portion of a "Battle of the Blogs" between the fine folks of Do Me Wright, and the Yankees Chick. This is apparently a grudge match, and I'm kind of hoping it ends up in a tie...rumor has it that the tie-breaker is a round of paintball in the Poconos.

Can't wait until then? Go out and buy the 1986 World Series DVD set and keep yourselves busy.

Balk Balk! Like The Chicken You Are!

The real Carlos Delgado is back. The one we all know and love.

The real Armando Benitez is also back. The one we all know and love...to hate.

Combine the two, and you have a recipe for a sweet night. And oh, how sweet it is.

Sometimes, karma lies dormant for a while. We had all hoped for this the minute Armando left the Mets...hoped for the Mets to have his number from the start. Instead, he went 12-for-12 in save opportunities against the Flushing Nine in 2004, and we all wondered what the Mets did to deserve that.

Oh that's right, they hired Art Howe, signed Shane Spencer and Karim Garcia instead of Vladimir Guerrero, and traded Scott Kazmir for Victor Zambrano. Now I remember.

But that bit of karma has been in someone's hip pocket for a long time, just waiting for the right time to be played. And between Lastings Milledge, and a gaggle of walks, it has indeed been well played over the past couple of seasons. But if there was a quintessential way to defeat the man we affectionately call "Blow-nitez", two balks and a walk-off bomb by Diesel was it. Especially after Armando threw his infield under the bus after a recent game against the Rockies:

"I'm doing my job, I got three groundballs and what happened?" Benitez asked. "We had an opportunity to win the game. How many times we got somebody on base and nobody moved him? Somebody had to pay and the person that paid was me. He hit a good pitch, a slider away, and a sinker."

Amazing that when it's someone else's fault, our friend Benitez is willing to expound to reporters afterwards. Not like when he was here right?

Oh, here's Armando's pearl of wisdom tonight...after he had nobody to blame but himself:

"I lost the game."

Yes, you most certainly did. Here's what Omar Vizquel should have said afterwards:

"I'm doing my job, I dive and rob Julio Franco of the game winning hit in the ninth, and Kevin Frandsen makes a great play on the barehand stab of my flip and what happened?" Vizquel asked. "We had an opportunity to win the game. How many times we got somebody on base and nobody balked him all the way home in the first eleven innings? Somebody had to pay and the person that paid was me."

Maybe Vizquel can put that in his next book whenever he decides he wants to piss off another teammate.

Tonight, for the first time since his departure, I can truly say I'll miss Armando Benitez when he leaves Shea Stadium. I'll miss his karma.

***

Speaking of members of the Hall of Hate, I had high hopes for one of them today, as Mike Francesa started out the "Mike and the Mad Dog" show at Shea Stadium by warning about revisionist history regarding Roger Clemens, and how people are making him out to be this savior after making his appearance in the owner's box at Yankee Stadium announcing his comeback. And how Clemens has never been a savior in his Yankee history, only a mercenary.

Loved it. Francesa was making sense.

Then, inevitably of course, he blew it.

Somehow, of course, he and his partner Russo called Met fans hypocrites for booing Barry Bonds and holding protests while cheering Guillermo Mota.

To clarify, Mr. Francesa, a group of fans at Boycott Barry organized the protests with the blindfolds. Somehow, Francesa associated this with "the Met fan" as Francesa liked to refer to us as repeatedly, as our protest. It wasn't our protest. The fans in the park on Tuesday played along (as evidenced by the crowd being somewhat subdued until Bonds came to the plate in the tenth), but it certainly wasn't organized by Mets fans. But hey, why let a little research get in the way of painting "the Met fan" with a broad brush.

And by the way, if you gentlemen are going to get on "the Met fan" for cheering Guillermo Mota upon his return (and if you see the small sample on my current poll question, it's basically split down the middle between cheers and boos...although I'm surprised more people didn't click the chicken and beer option), then "let's be fair", as you like to say Chris, and get "the Giant fan" for cheering Barry Bonds the way they do. Why not get on them, even though Giants fans actually have good reason to love him, because steroids or not, he saved your franchise from being moved to Tampa Bay in the early nineties.

Go ahead Chris, be fair.

Oh who am I kidding, this is a guy who's good friend Mike North got a shot at the Imus time slot on Tuesday morning, and according to someone who actually heard his show this morning, responded by calling the Mets "red-headed stepchildren". In reasoning that only proves that he's Russo's friend, since the Yankees got all the coverage in the morning newspaper, while the Mets got none, "nobody cares about the Mets."

...

...

THE METS DIDN'T PLAY ON MONDAY THAT'S WHY THEY WEREN'T IN THE NEWSPAPER YOU NASAL DISCHARGE!!!

I know, I shouldn't care what any of these people say or do, but I can't help myself. Watching these guys are like a drug, or a relationship that's a bad idea but somehow you can't break free from. Besides, restraint is no fun...for me, or for you.