Now Here's Baghdad Bob With The Paid Attendance

Interesting throw in to the game notes on the bottom of the wire copy for Saturday's 5-1 win:

"The announced paid attendance was 37,578."

The unannounced attendance in the real world? Let's just say Tony Bernazard has more Facebook friends.

That explains the uncontrolled giggling on the P.A. system when the attendance was actually announced. It was the biggest fit of laughter at Citi Field since Snoop told the following joke at a press conference in June:

Scott Kazmir walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says "Where'd you get that?" And the parrot says "From Jim Duquette".

You had to be there.

Itemized

The lords of baseball saw an opportunity to throw some high hard ones by me while I've been away. To that I say, ha! You're going to have to do a lot better than this to get one by me. Besides, I have a team of experts not only finding these stories for me, they read them to me, they explain them to me, they spell out some of the words phonetically to me, and they diffuse bombs in their spare time.

So without further ado, I give you: "The things you've missed while I've been away."

Or is that, "The things I've missed while you've been away?"

Maybe it's "The things that we've all missed while David Wright's been away" ...

Oh, the hell with it, here's some stuff to read:

Item: Scott Kazmir traded to the Angels for two players not named Victor Zambrano.

First person that says "see, told you so" gets a beating. Kazmir for Zambrano: Still the worst trade ever. Anybody who wants me to rehash why it's worse than Ryan for Fregosi is more than welcome to ask.

Here's the funny thing, the Rays trading Kazmir for prospects is a "future" trade. The Mets trading Kazmir for Zambrano was a "now" trade. (Actually, it was a "never" trade.) The Rays are closer to first place "now" than the Mets were "then". Meanwhile, I can't be sure ... but I think Victor rang me up at Old Navy the other day.

Item: Billy Wagner finally gets into a game for Boston, and strikes out three in his inning of work.

Hooray for Country Time. And even though Brian Cashman was probably only doing his due dilligence for claiming Chris Carter on waivers from the Red Sox, and even though keeping Carter from joining the Mets this season in the Wagner trade is probably akin to doing him a favor and keeping him from getting injured ... screw you Cashman. Your team has the best team in baseball and you still have to cause unnecessary problems. We have enough necessary problems, for crissakes.

Surprisingly, it took until Sunday for Billy to get into a game. Apparently, Terry Francona is only allowed to pitch him if he doesn't throw a bullpen session, throw darts against Papelbon, or throw up earlier in the day. So I wasn't able to give you a video of "Enter Sandman" in Fenway Park from Friday. So instead I give you Jason Bay from Friday, for no other reason than to remind Steve Phillips that he traded him for Steve Reed.



Thanks for giving me that initial slice of hell that has been compounded over time.

Item: Catcher Josh Thole to be promoted, may only bat against righties.

Wait, this is the organization that rushes their prospects through the system ... so they could reach the majors and be coddled? Memo to Snoop: your major league catchers can't hit lefties (Santos: .234, Schneider: POINT ZERO ZERO ZERO). I know we're long past the point of managing to win (that point being 2008), but can we use our brains, if only a little bit? The next Joe Mauer could be here in September. Or, the next Joe Mauer could be in somebody else's organization. Or, the next Joe Mauer may be merely a twinkle in some groupie's eye right now. We'll never know for sure, because the Mets will continue to groom players of all shapes and sizes to be nothing more than glorified platoon/utility players, putting them in a box with no hope of breaking out and being more than what they are perceived to be.

Sounds a lot like life ... or at least life in Flushing.

Item: Jeff Kent honored in the Giants Wall of Fame (sent to the home office by Squawker Lisa).

Fans can visit the wall and wash the very motorcycle that Kent claimed to had been washing when he broke his wrist.

Item: Aaron Heilman pitches two innings of shutout baseball against the Mets on Saturday, only giving up one hit.

Seems that Heilman was claimed on waivers by a National League team on Thursday. If the Mets were that team, I'm burning down Citi Field. Immediately.

Triple play? Pshaw. Castillo Schmastillo. This ... is ... rock ... bottom.

Item: Jim Duquette blasts Mets for cancelling their fall instructional league.

Okay, scratch that. This is rock bottom.

And it brings it all full circle, doesn't it? We started with Kazmir, why not end with Duquette? When this is the man that is killing your organization for being cheap, what does that tell you? What does that tell you??? Jim Duquette is throwing tomatoes at you ... with more accuracy than Oliver Perez, at that!

"Now the rumors within the scouting circles are that they can't afford - which it roughly costs about 300 grand to staff and to invite and fly down all the players, to having meals throughout for about, it's like a 4 to 5 week program. It gives you a chance to extend the development of your young players, of your prospects. And they're not gonna have it. They have cancelled it for this fall. And to me, being a development guy, that's big news. If you're development oriented, it's not a good decision in my opinion."

Maybe that's why Thole is only batting against righties ... because they can't afford to develop his batting eye against lefties. Boy oh boy, nothing verifies the myth of a bad farm system like ... not developing your farm system. Thanks, Mr. Wilpon.

In a related story, the Mets have saved millions in salary by trading Danny Meyer to the Padres in exchange for Grimace, the Hamburglar, and a fictional character to be named later. Shake Shack will now serve delicious McDonald's cheeseburgers for the 2010 season.

Hope Jim Duquette Had A Good Seat

Six innings. Two hits. Three walks. No runs. Game 5 of the ALCS. Craig Sager can't even keep a straight face when asking Chuck Lamar about the engineering the trade with the Mets. But hey, Scott's bullpen blew the game so in some ways, it's like he never left, right?

It's all right though. I'm sure Victor Zambrano did something equally productive baseball-wise today. He traded a Scott Kazmir rookie card for a '67 Corvette. I'll give you one guess as to who was on the other end of that trade.

At least nobody plays baseball tomorrow so there's no chance of something else torturing me ... unless of course Aaron Heilman and Yadier Molina decide to appear at a charity softball game and a ball just happens to bust through my window.

Mommy I Don't Want To Play With Omar Any More, Omar Cheats!

From the proprietor of the Ketchup On Your Ice Cream blog:

"Don't give up hope ... and if all else fails we could swing a deal to trade for an Orioles pitcher ... it'll probably be Victor Zambrano again though and not Bedard."

Thanks for the attempt to cheer me up. But you see, that's not an option. And you'll love the reason why:

"Baltimore owner Peter Angelos is believed to be averse to trading Bedard to the Mets (assuming the O's can't sign him to an extension) because of the fleecing of John Maine and Jorge Julio for Kris Benson in their previous dealings."

Oh, yeah right. We're the three card monty dealer on the corner who's just going around ripping everybody off. "Ooh, we can't deal with them, they're too smart for us...they're devious!"

Oh stop! This is why nobody goes to freakin' Orioles games any more. Peter Angelos is averse to trading Bedard to the Mets for the same reason he was averse to trading Miguel Tejada to the Orioles for the same reason that he's averse to building a halfway decent baseball franchise that has been run into the ground in the last ten years...because he doesn't have a clue!

Peter, once upon a time our devious underhanded organization was so devious and underhanded, that we traded Scott Kazmir for Victor Zambrano, and Lastings Milledge for a defensive catcher and a journeyman outfielder. But obviously those trades begin to reveal a grand master plan that will only be evident to everyone in about fifty years as we try to take over the world, right?

If we're this great savvy organization when it comes to trades, then you've got problems. Seems to me that you were the guys that misread John Maine's potential. Don't worry, it happens (again...Kazmir.) If we didn't get him, somebody else would have. You threw him in to the Julio deal because you didn't want to throw in Adam Loewen. Omar wanted Loewen, you threw in John Maine. Jim Duquette threw in John Maine...you know, the same guy that traded Kazmir. You hired him after that! And the guy you hired actually succeeded in somewhat returning the favor for the Kazmir trade by throwing in John Maine in the deal. The guy you hired chose to throw him in.

And we're the ones you don't want to deal with?

Is this the reason that "nobody likes the Mets prospects"? Maybe it's a rouse that all the owners in baseball are colluding on. Maybe, just maybe, everyone actually loves the Mets prospects but are so worried that each Mets trade is another brick in the wall of world domination that you're so worried about, that nobody will trade with us because Omar uses his super-secret mind power to trick guys into including middling starting pitchers in their deal only to have him become a star when the leave your team and come to the Mets. Yeah, that has to be...because it's been like that for years.

You don't want to trade Erik Bedard to the Mets, fine. See if I care. Nobody is trading an ace to the Mets these days anyway. But don't hide behind your own stupidity stemming from trading John Maine for Anna Benson. "Ooh, they fleeced us! Mommy!!!" Stop it! Just stop it!

Excuse me while my eyes roll so fast that I used them to bowl a 300 at the latest PBA event.

Ghosts Return

As if I need more things to haunt me this winter, Metsblog alerts us to this great news:

The trade market opens in earnest today with the start of the annual GM Meetings. Already, executives are talking about the potential for stars as big as Minnesota ace Johan Santana and Florida slugger Miguel Cabrera becoming available.

But it might just start there. An executive familiar with Tampa's thinking said if the offers for Santana grow to a substantial level, then the Rays would test to see what they could get for Scott Kazmir.

The thinking is that because Kazmir is three years from free agency as opposed to one year for Santana, he might bring nearly as much in return.

The Rays need multiple high-end pitchers, and Kazmir, just about to enter arbitration eligibility for the first time, might be too expensive and ready to depart just as Tampa is projecting contention in two to three years.

How comical would it be if the Mets, with their No. 1 need being a No. 1 starter, found themselves trying to trade for Kazmir 3½ seasons after getting Victor Zambrano for him?

Yeah. That's really funny. It's so funny I want to cry my eyes out. And it's funny because you can count on me to be at Gerry Hunsicker's doorstep offering everything short of a lifetime subscription to Field & Stream to make this happen. Yeah, I know. I should want nothing to do with Scott Kazmir just for the bad feng shui he's caused in our lives just by being traded in the worst trade in baseball history (yeah, I said it...the worst!)

But so what if the Mets have to pay ten times the value they got for Kazmir in the first place (what do you get when you multiply ten by a negative number, anyway?) What, you're scared that the Wilpon's would admit that they made a mistake by trading him in the first place? The free world already knows that the Mets made a mistake!!! If you were to tell a person from New Zealand that you were a Mets fan, they cringe and say "Ooooh, Scott Kazmir." That's how widely known how much of a colossal vapor lock that trade was.

So now he may be available and we want to stick our heads in the sand? I know it's a pipe dream, but let's give Gerry Hunsicker everything short of the kitchen sink and the dirty water filled hot dog carts. Besides, do you really want the Yankees to trade for Scott Kazmir? No no, think about it: do you want to live in a world where Scott Kazmir is wearing Yankee pinstripes?

I know I don't.

C'mon Omar, have some guts and do it. You know you want to see a rotation of Kazmir, John Maine, Oliver Perez, Pedro Martinez and...well, everyone who could be that fifth starter will probably be traded to get Kazmir so...Brian Lawrence, anyone? Anybody? Jose Lima?

Victor Zambrano? Hey, why not, he's available.

(Meanwhile, there's somebody out there reading this after breathing in some second hand weed, and he's freaking out right now. He's running around in his underwear screaming about the time-space continuum being out of whack or something.)

C'mon, Omar. Let's make this week's GM meetings fun! I mean, there's barely anything going on at your meetings...well, besides Paul Lo Duca wandering around following Freddie begging to be re-signed.

They Sure Showed Me

What do I get for challenging Karma?

My computer gets zapped.

Karma truly is a bitch.

I've spent my time away from this blog productively. I looked under various rocks to see where the Mets organization might be hiding. I tried to crack nuclear physics. I held Kenny Lofton at third base in Boston. You know, fun stuff.

What I learned, among other things, is that 2008 might not be that much easier than 2007 was. Consider this recent development:

National crosschecker Chuck LaMar left the Nationals to become director of professional scouting with the Phillies on Thursday. LaMar will also work with director of Major League scouting Gordon Lakey and provide input on trades
for Phillies general manager Pat Gillick.

According to baseball sources, LaMar left Washington to take a better position and because of some philosophical differences with some members of the Nationals organization. LaMar, who was not available for comment, joined the Nationals last November.

LaMar is best remembered for being the general manager of the Devil Rays for 11 seasons.

No, Chuck LaMar is best remembered for ripping off a clueless organization of a top prospect.

Great, Chuck LaMar with the damn Phillies. Speaking of which, Jim Duquette is currently without a job. Maybe he can join the Phillies too so he and LaMar can take long scouting trips together in the middle of Wyoming while laughing their heads off at the Mets. Oh, I can picture it now...Lamar and Duquette practicing trades with each other:

"Ok Jim, I'll give you Pat Burrell, Tom Gordon, and a ham sandwich for Cole Hamels..."

"Deal!"

"No Jim, no. Let's try it again. I'll give you Wes Helms for..."

"Deal!"

"Jim, you're supposed to wait until I finished."

"Deal! Deal! Deal! Wait, I don't have to ask anyone's permission, right?"

Yes, they can talk about the old times, while resuming their tradition of driving back and forth over the Canadian border where the mounties repeatedly ask them if they have any firearms in the car.

Duquette always says yes to that one...but bless his heart he's working on it.