Saturday, January 16, 2010

The Jolbert Report

The healing begins. And it begins with Jolbert Cabrera, a 37-year-old utility player who has 126 plate appearances in the majors since 2004. He comes disguised as "depth". He will soon reveal his true identity as the Mets leadoff hitter and every day center fielder after Beltran goes on the 15-year-DL and Angel Pagan the first major leaguer in history to break every bone in his body while rounding third base on his way to second.

Hey, there's an empty abyss just over that hill. It's a perfect place to spend the summer ... and it's just big enough to hold our annual Apology Day party on October 4th. Don't forget to bring alcohol. We'll need it.

And chips.


Luis said...

Dessens, RA Dickey, this guy-all that $$ starts to add up and then they will say they cant afford a REAL pitcher/player- sickening and moronic move. Now Jolbert may be a great guy and humanitarian, but what good is a 37 yr old minor leaguer going to do this sad organization(unless he is going to be the new GM) OMAR MUST GO!

James Allen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
James Allen said...

(Eagle flies by Citi Field)

TONIGHT! Doctors. Do their opinions matter?

Then, the Mets need to tend to their outfield woes. I say water it more and grow some tomato plants.

And my guest tonight will be Met GM Omar Minaya. I'll ask about his reasons for reviving the Senior League.

Mets fans, I'm 37 and only the 4th youngest player on the team. THIS IS THE JOLBERT REPORT!

Welcome to the Report. Mets Nation, we know there are always things out there that waiting to hurt our beloved team:


No. 5- Doctors
I mean, how can you run an organization when these so called "physicians" give you "diagnosis" and "prognosis" and other such gobblydigook? I don't need some egghead with a sheepskin to tell me how to run my team.

No. 4- Health Care
I mean, if Carlos Beltran has learned anything from current events, it's that you shouldn't take responsiblity for your own medical care- you should cede control of your body to your superiors. Come on, if Omar Minaya and the Mets upper management staff didn't know what they were doing, they wouldn't have their jobs, would they?

No. 3 - Fans
It used to be fans just obligingly paid there money and enjoyed the game, but now we have this crop of miscreants who will just never be happy. "Whah, there are all these seat that are obstructed view" or "Whah, there's not enough Met history in the stadium." Don't these people realize that they are lucky to be allowed to buy tickets to watch games? If you want a game that's about the people, go watch the Moscow Muscovites play.

No. 2 - Ryan Church
The Mets are still reeling from "The Church Effect" that has cursed this team ever since crazy fundamentalist Ryan selfishly said he had headaches and blackouts after getting concussed twice. And that he hates Jews.

And even though he is no longer on the team, the disease he has spread will take months or years to dissipate. DAMN YOU CHURCH!!! (waves fist)

And finally the No. 1 threat-

Mets Nation, if there was ever a doubt that our divisional rival was the spawn of Satan, look at this.

That is a Phillie Bear! They are selling such cursed merchadise to their young fans who will be mentored into a world of evil. Why do I say this? Because bears are Godless Killing Machines. What's next Phillies? An "I Hate Jesus Phillie Fanantic Souvenir Lash (Use 39 times)"?

Thank you Mets Nation. My guess tomorrow will be Jason Bay, where I'll ask him, "Jerry Manuel: Great manager, or Greatest Manager?"

Good night!