Friday, June 15, 2007

How I Reflected Upon My Life On My Day Off, By: The New York Mets

(Friday morning, in a dark dingy Yankee Stadium lockerroom...)

Willie Randolph: All right gang...you were all told to write a paper telling me what you've learned over this bad stretch of games, and how you reflected on it during your day off. I would like for you all to read your paper out loud. David, we'll start with you:

David Wright: What I did on my day off, by David Wright. First, I went to the Vitamin Water people to pose for a new advertisement, and then I shot a new commercial for MLB 2007. Then I read "The Winner Within" by Pat Riley to help make myself the best leader I could be. The end.

WR: Very good David. And how did it help you see how you can help us turn this around?

DW: I learned that when you see a fork in the road you should take it.

WR: Very good. Anything else?

DW: Uh, a raised fist means to go to the post?

WR: Okay then. Let's have someone else read their paper, eh...how about you, Aaron?

Aaron Heilman: I also read a book. I read Sandy Koufax's autobiography.

WR: Very good choice. And what did you learn?

AH: I learned a lot of helpful hints about being a good starting pitcher. He went into the mindset and the preparation necessary to be a starting pitcher in the major leagues.

WR: That's great, but...you do realize that you're a reliever. Have you learned anything about being a good relief pitcher?

AH: I learned that middle relief pitchers don't get book deals.

WR: Astute. What about you, Jose?

Jose Reyes: I hit the gym and did some extra laps in the pool...I gotta tell you, I feel great!

Carlos Beltran: And I picked him up from the gym and drove him home.

WR: That's great guys! That was a very nice thing to do Carlos, driving your friend home.

JR: Yeah, well...

CB: Shut up Jose!

WR: What? What happened?

JR: Carlos drove me to my neighborhood but then had to ask a policewoman for directions.

CB: Shut up Jose! You know it's been a while since I drove anybody home and I got confused.

WR: Well...it was still a very nice thing for you to do. And what did you learn?

CB: That I need Mapquest to drive a teammate home?

WR: Very good. Hey Joe, I see you ducking in the back. What did you do on your day off?

Joe Smith: I took a picture of myself and made it into a Sports Illustrated cover because I'm going to be a famous pitcher one day.

WR: Arts and crafts I see. And what did you learn?

JS: I learned to use scissors and crayons.

WR: All right then. How about you Paulie, what did you do on your day off?

Paul Lo Duca: I killed a guy.

WR: Why?

PLD: He looked at me funny.

WR: Did you do anything else?

PLD: I killed another guy.

WR: How come?

PLD: He flipped his bat in an American Legion game.

WR: And did you learn anything?

PLD: When you're pushed, killing is as easy as breathing.

Billy Wagner: Lighten up, Rambo.

WR: Hey Billy, what did you do yesterday?

BW: I looked for Filthy Sanchez, he owes me money.

WR: Did you find him?

BW: I thought I saw him at a gas station in Oyster Bay.

Jose Valentin: Really? I could have sworn I saw him at the food court at the Green Acres Mall.

Damion Easley: No no no, I saw him yesterday on top of the Statue of Liberty.

WR: Well, Rome wasn't built in a day. We'll work on finding Duaner during our next off day. Moises, what did you do yesterday?

Moises Alou: I've put every legal drug in my quad muscle and I still can't walk.

WR: And what did that teach you?

MA: That I'm old. I'm very, very old.

Julio Franco: Settle down, you're not that old, junior.

WR: What did you do on your day off Julio?

JF: The cage...all day. Worked on my ability to pull the ball.

WR: And what did that teach you?

JF: That you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

WR: Great. All right then, you're all dismissed. Now go out there today and make me proud.

8 comments:

debmc said...

I can't stop laughing, here, lol. Hee hee hee....

I wonder, though -- what did Carlos Delgado do on HIS day off? Read Dr. Spock? Go shopping for diapers? Smoke ganja with Pedro? LOL

GaryG said...

Make sure Carlos Gomez stops watching those fielding tapes of Roger Cedeno chasing balls in the outfield.

debmc said...

LOL, Gary! LOL LOL

You know, the way the Mets have playing lately, I am reminded of a question I rather rhetorically asked last year -- Where do they hide the bong? LOL

Now, I find myself asking it again this year, perhaps less rhetorically, lol. Hee hee hee

Ganja-is-us.... lol!

Margee said...

So who's sense of direction is worse? Beltran off the field or Gomez on the field?

This was hilarious.

Anonymous said...

JF: ...then I eat 15 egg whites and watch my Telemundo soap opera. Senora Dios--she's my nurse--she wheeled me to the local bodega in Saddle River, NJ, where I play some dominoes with some guy who used to protect a gangster or something big that was exiled named Riccardo Nixon, and we think about our days in the Outer Mongolian League, where I bat .569 in 17 games in 1983--or was it 1984?...I dunno, Papi Willie. I know I do something on my day off, but I forget, really. Do I DH tonight or just eat egg whites and inspire the team? Inspiration may need some negotiations--like another $1.6 million. My agent What's His Face will call you. Pass the maduros, por favor...ZZZzzz...

will said...

i saw scott schoeneweiss at a duane reade buying a whole lotta marshmallows

Mutts R Losers said...

LOUSY MUTT$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ BWAHAHAHAH~

michelle said...

I found Filthy in the picture. Do I get a prize?