Frenchy Played Football Y'Know

But when former high school football star Jeff Francoeur bore down on Pudge Rodriguez with the tying run in the seventh inning, what the Mets needed was Bo Jackson.

Instead, they got Blair Thomas.

Frenchy tried to deke to the goal line instead of just putting his head down and running over Pudge, and that was just one of the mistakes that led to the Mets' 5-4 loss against the Astros in Houston.

But if Frenchy was Blair Thomas, then Razor Shines was definitely Rich Kotite. Let's see: Francoeur isn't that fast. Hunter Pence has a good arm, and he's so close to the infield he's inhaling dust. But Razor sends him home from second to be out by ten feet.

Are we just not bothering to scout anymore?

That wasn't even Francoeur's biggest transgression (though he did say his fifteen jukes made him look like a "pansy" after the game.) His strikeout in the first on a pitch in the dirt along with Fernando Tatis' double play immediately afterward allowed Mike Hampton to find himself, leading to Hampton's two run homer against Johan Santana. (And not to mention that Frenchy looking bad on a pitch and 6-4-Tatis hitting into another D.P. is as cliche and contrived as a policeman eating a doughnut. More originality next time, please.)

And speaking of Hampton, is this the way it's going to be the rest of the season ... former Mets taking free punches at their former employer as if they were a dead animal being poked with a stick? Mike Hampton hitting a two run home run? Kaz Matsui with a lifetime average against the Mets of .981? Kaz Matsui???

What's next, someone's going to sign Orlando Hernandez so he can throw a three-hitter against the Mets?

The Phillies bring Kaz Ishii from the bullpen to strike out Jeremy Reed?

And can Snoop hop back from the parallel universe he's in and join us on Earth? "Wha? Francoeur didn't hit Pudge? I thought he hit him."

With a Bloomingdale's bag, maybe.

Luis Castillo: Behind The Blow

Well, another red letter season has come do an end (and that red letter is F ... I'll let you figure out what that stands for.) And believe it or not, I still have s**t to say. The following is one in a series of random stuff I'm throwing against the wall about person or persons of my choosing. These are your New York Mets: Behind the Blow.

On July 19th, 2007, the Dow Jones Industrial average topped 14,000 for the first time ever. On the same day, the Mets had beaten the Dodgers 13-9 and were in first place by two and a half games.

Ten days later, Luis Castillo came on board.

Since then, the Dow Jones plunged below 9,000 points, and the Mets lost two straight playoff berths on the last day of the season. I think it's easy to infer that Luis Castillo is to blame for all of this.

Think about it: Remember this past Monday when the Dow bounced back with the largest one day gain in history? Do you think it's a coincidence that on the very same day, Daniel Murphy went 4-for-4 in the Arizona Fall League?

That's all the proof I need. So with the help of deductive reasoning I say this: Luis Castillo is taking your money.

All right, so maybe my argument is skewered a bit. But I can't argue that there's about as much consumer confidence in Castillo as there is in, say ... TransOcean. And that's despite the fact that Castillo's numbers with the Mets in 2007 were actually somewhat decent. And that was the impetus for Omar Minaya signing Castillo to a four year deal.

I allow myself an irrational leaning every once in a while. Here's mine for today: Luis Castillo gets a bad rap. I'd even go so far as to say that Omar Minaya gets a slightly unfair rap for signing Castillo to the long deal. (I'd be willing to bet that when you were at Shea booing Castillo, you were actually booing Omar.) Remember, Daniel Murphy and Argenis Reyes were not yet options during the winter of 2007. Here were your free agent options:

• Castillo
• David Eckstein
• Kaz Matsui

No matter that Castillo was a disaster this season, I still take him over Eckstein with all things being the same now as they were then. Remember, Eckstein would have come to New York and switched positions from shortstop to second. And here's the rub: Toronto traded him because he couldn't field ... his natural position! Then he got traded to Arizona and hit .219 down that all-too-familiar stretch.

And I don't want to read comments that read: "But but but ... David Eckstein! Grit! Heart!" Castillo in '07 played through bad knees and hit over his career averages in batting and on base percentage, and drove in 20 runs in 50 games. And while he looked like he would fall apart at any second, he was hardly the reason the Mets collapsed in 2007. Four years may have been much, but don't forget the Astros were going after Castillo also so I'm not convinced that the Mets really had any choice but to sign Castillo to the long deal ... unless you wanted Kaz Matsui back in New York to get booed out of his mind. You want that? Do you? Think hard about that before you answer.

That being said, it's time for Luis Castillo to blow town. There are options now. Argenis Reyes is an option. Daniel Murphy and his .529 AFL average is an option. Orlando Hudson very well may be an option. Luis Castillo is no longer an option. His knees are beyond repair. His stats in '08 are beyond repair. And if he's not batting second, he's pretty much useless. Wherever Murphy plays, he'll be the one batting second. And let's face it: bad things do seem to happen just by his very presence. There's no good reason for it, it just is.

(Excuse me, my head just got light and I need to sit down. I'm getting a Carlos Baerga flashback.)

And now I understand why Castillo came to the Mets so cheap. What was once a happy marriage must now be dissolved due to irreconcilable differences. Don't be scared about some of the quotes floating around from the Mets which basically say not to count out Castillo being the starting second baseman next season ... that's just lip service to make sure his trade value doesn't drop as fast as the stock market. Believe it or not, there are some that actually might want him. Ooh, I know, I know, Omar needs to fix the bullpen, maybe Castillo can bring back Braden Looper!

Yeah, and maybe my Enron stocks will make a comeback.

All Over October

Because having a Met free October has really given me nothing to do, and because I can't help but think that either Kaz Matsui or Tony Clark may...quite possibly...exit this 2007 baseball season with a ring, I did some research.

You wouldn't believe what I found.

And you wouldn't believe I found it because:

• somebody else didn't think of this first, or...
• Metstradamus has no life.

I wanted to find the last World Series Champion whose roster had been completely devoid, throughout their entire championship season, of a player who had previously spent time with the Mets. I figured it would be easy enough to find this out through the incomparable Baseball Reference website. You could have done this yourself, but you've most likely found better things to do than to wonder about such things.

Last season, we all bemoaned the fact that Braden Looper got himself a World Series ring.

In 2005, the White Sox featured Carl Everett and Timo Perez.

Yes, that Timo Perez.

The curse-breaking 2004 Red Sox had Pedro Astacio on their roster at some point...along with Jersey Bobby Jones for three games.

Surely, there had to be a recent team not to have an ex-Met on it, right?

2003 featured the Florida Marlins, with Lenny "Pork Chop" Harris.

The 2002 Rally Monkeys had Donne Wall in their bullpen.

All right, the 2001 Diamondbacks. They couldn't have had an ex-Met on their roster, right? Wrong...they had Armando Reynoso.

(Mind you, we're not talking about future Mets like Jay Bell and Mike DiFelice...only players who had already spent time in Flushing when they were on a team that went on to win the World Series.)

Uh-oh. Now I'm starting to get worried, because those Yankee teams featured plenty of ex-Mets, much to our chagrin...as Jose Vizcaino killed the Mets in the 2000 Series, 1999 featured David Cone, and 1998 had Darryl Strawberry. Even the '97 Marlins had Bobby Bonilla.

I think I'm starting to get sick.

The 1996 Yankees had Dwight Gooden along with Strawberry, which at the time was bad enough.

All right, the 1995 Braves...there's a team that couldn't have possibly had a former Met on it, right?

Oh damn, their back-up catcher was Charlie O'Brien. And they also had Alejandro Pena. (Yeesh!)

The 1993 Blue Jays had plenty of future Mets like Al Leiter, Shawn Green, and Carlos Delgado. But former Mets? Just one...Dick Schofield (yet one is enough).

The '92 Jays had our friend David Cone.

The Twins in 1991 were loaded with them, partly thanks to the Frank Viola trade, between Kevin Tapani and David West. They also had Tom Edens and Junior Ortiz. Remember those two? Edens pitched one game for the Mets, and I believe it was in Los Angeles...and he wore number 32. Why must God curse me with a memory full of useless things while I lose my house keys five times a day?

(Actually, he pitched two games for the Mets, so I don't feel too bad. But I was right about the Dodgers.)

The Reds in 1990 had Randy Myers and Herm Winningham.

The 1989 Athletics...and believe me, this is a stretch...but they did have ,for 79 very mediocre at bats, a guy named Billy Beane.

Don't remind me about 1988 and Dodger reliever Jesse Orosco.

The Twins in 1987? Would you believe Beane again? (Along with a guy named Jeff Reardon.)

And that brings us to 1986, our last title.

And wouldn't you know it, the 1985 Kansas City Royals featured nobody who had previously worn the Mets uniform.

So besides the fact that I have absolutely nothing to do with my time thanks to the collapse, it should tell you that the Red Sox shouldn't measure their fingers for rings just yet (the Red Sox are devoid of former Mets on their roster, while Cleveland features Chip Caray's favorite pitcher: Paul Byrd).

It should tell you that when the 2007 Mets' roster turns over, at least one of the jettisoned players will win a ring in '08 and make us sigh. (And it gives Tampa Bay some hope...Thanks again, Jim Duquette.)

And it tells us that the only way to break this cycle is for the Mets to win the series their own selves. Or else, the curse continues.

Hypnotized by Baseball's Unwritten Hypocrisy

What? The Mets haven't acquired Johan Santana yet? Clearly, someone must be fired over this.

No, I haven't jumped off a tall building. I've been watching some things online to try to cheer me up. In fact, I've been watching them over and over again...helps to self medicate. You could probably use some self-medicating yourself.

But I've been also watching the playoffs. Yes, despite the plethora of reasons not to watch, I can't stay away. I guess the fact that my defenses have been down, and that I've been staring into space like a deer in the headlights for the better part of the past week has made me more susceptible to being hypnotized by Dane Cook.

(You must watch because there is only one October. Now come down from the tree.)

Heck, I hardly reacted when Kaz Matsui hit a grand slam during Game 2 against the Phillies, and sparked their series sweep two nights later. I've become so numb to it all. I mean, it figures...right? Of course Kaz Matsui is in the NLCS the same year we blow a seven game lead with seventeen to play...the same year Scott Kazmir led the American League in strikeouts. Makes perfect sense to me.

I've been like the two guys that parodied Omar Minaya and Willie Randolph on SNL this past week when asked by Amy Poehler why they choked, they just kind of made random noises and shrugged their shoulders (you know you made a major collapse when you've been parodied by the guy from "Goodburger".)

Yes, that's been me.

I have just one request for the 2008 season: Can somebody please make clear to me the rules about celebrations and handshakes? Because I was led to believe that the Mets irritated everybody because their celebrations were not only choreographed, but they were in the on-deck circle instead of the dugout, where it's apparently safe for Miguel Cabrera to throw around Alfredo Amezaga like they were Torvill and Dean.

But did you see that little thing that Johnny Damon and Melky Cabrera did in the on-deck circle on Sunday night? That thing looked like it was choreographed to me, no?

So why didn't that infuriate the Indians? How come Casey Blake didn't come out and say "F**k the Yankees! F**k everyone on that team! I'll play with two broken arms and a bloody stump for Game four?"

Are the rules different in the playoffs? Are the rules different during tight games? Or are the rules, as always, different for the Yankees?

Or are the rules different because the Marlins got mad? And that it was Lastings Milledge that did the dancing? For those of you that are all po'd that Milledge got the Marlins all riled up to beat Tom Glavine and knock the Mets the next day, that the Marlins were motivated, I counter with this: It shouldn't have mattered! The Mets motivation should have trumped the Marlins motivation!

Except for one thing: they weren't motivated. As Carlos Delgado said, sometimes, they got bored.

(Oh, and the small detail that we stunk for two and a half weeks might have had something to do with it.)

Get mad at Lastings for not hustling after that Dontrelle Willis triple...I'll accept that. For dancing in the on-deck circle? I'll pass, thanks. Silly? During a 5-12 run yes. Motivating the Marlins? They're ones to talk.

But would somebody please write this unwritten rule down so we can all be clear on it? I understand the balk rule more than I understand this.

I Want A New Drug

Folks, I'm not making this up:

Do you have a really bad memory, or past heartache, that you would prefer to forget?

Researchers at Harvard and McGill University (in Montreal) are working on an amnesia drug that blocks or deletes bad memories. The technique seems to allow psychiatrists to disrupt the biochemical pathways that allow a memory to be recalled.

In a new study, published in the Journal of Psychiatric Research, the drug propranolol is used along with therapy to "dampen" memories of trauma victims. They treated 19 accident or rape victims for ten days, during which the patients were asked to describe their memories of the traumatic event that had happened 10 years earlier. Some patients were given the drug, which is also used to treat amnesia, while others were given a placebo.

A week later, they found that patients given the drug showed fewer signs of stress when recalling their trauma.

Great! Give me one family size bottle full of that...I have a list of things that I would prefer to forget. Let's start with Tuesday night.

Yeah, let's start with the game that featured the first five hit game in the career of Kaz Matsui. Yes, that Kaz Matsui...who let loose with this gem after the game:

"It's all about New York," Matsui said of playing the Mets and Yankees, who the Rockies swept in a three-game series last month. "New York is center stage and the place everyone is aware of and watches."

Now he gets it. Great. Too bad he didn't figure that minor detail out when he actually played in a uniform that read "New York" across his chest. Thanks for figuring that out as soon as you got to Colorado so you get get five hits against the team from New York.

But really, shame on me for not seeing this coming...or seeing this coming and intentionally blocking it out of my mind. Is there a drug that will repress visions of former Mets haunting us with five-hit games in the future? When are the Montreal geniuses going to come up with that, eh? And if these guys are so smart, how come they couldn't come up with a drug that encouraged people to attend Expos games?

And maybe I did see the Jason Vargas disaster coming. And I was hoping against hope that I wouldn't come home, flip on the television, and have Vargas being lifted from the game the first thing I saw on my television screen. I mean, I didn't come home that much past the 8PM start time. But that's exactly what I saw. It was like paying $50 for a Mike Tyson fight on pay per view and getting up for a snack and missing the entire fight. I come home, wondering how Jason Vargas is doing, and I missed his entire outing! It's like Vargas was Michael Spinks...or Glass Joe!

This game was a lemon...and I want my money back. I want my money back so I can buy some of those drugs that will help me forget this game.

Maybe yesterday too.

And the first half of June.

And Adam Wainwright.

And the Kazmir trade.

And 1993.

And Don Aase.

You know, I'm going to need a second bottle of those pills...

A Time To Remember, A Time To Forget

Thanks to computer scheduling, the Mets were one of a small handful of teams not to play on Memorial Day. Thankfully, it gave Met fans a chance to really sit down and ponder what the holiday is all about...remembering.

Unfortunately, with all of the other baseball being played on the holiday, Met fans probably wished that Tommy Lee Jones would show up at their door with the red ray that made you forget everything. I know I could have used it during the Rockies game today, where this was the direct quote from the Colorado announcer:

"Another big hit for Kaz Matsui."

Another big hit? When exactly was the first? It sure as hell wasn't in New York after the first at bat of the season. Was it in Colorado Springs, perhaps?

Or how about what we were forced to remember during night time action, as Steve Trachsel actually went the distance for the Orioles in a 9-1 win...a game which lasted, get this, 2:27.

Two hours and twenty seven minutes!!!

Steve Trachsel!!!

Remember when 2:27 was his time between pitches? And now he's pitching efficiently? He didn't have a single strikeout in the game. Stupid Royals.

Even the latest Roger Clemens comeback game made us pause and remember, as none other than Timo Perez was playing left field for the Toledo Mud Hens. Seeing Timo at the plate must have gotten those juices flowing for Clemens, who had his first decent minor league outing (what kind of juices were flowing I don't know...but I'm not going to speculate because I'm a positive person.) Seeing Timo at the plate only made me remember this.

When can we have a Forgotten Day, where it's all right to forget everything that's haunted you in the past?