Wednesday, August 05, 2009

It's So Big ...

Johan Santana: You know Nelson, this big chipotle cheesesteak sandwich from Subway restaurant is so big ...

Nelson Figueroa: Yeah, it's playing in the majors big.

Johan: No no no, it's winning the Cy Young big.

Nelson: No, it's pitching a no-hitter big.

Nolan Ryan: No no Nelson, it's pitching seven no-hitters after you leave the Mets big.

Angel Pagan: No Nolan, it's constantly holding at third base on singles to the outfield big.

Luis Castillo: No Angel, it's falling down the dugout steps and spraining your ankle big.

Hospital for Special Surgery: No Luis, it's diagnosing your injury and having people who know nothing about medicine prescribe a cortisone shot big.

Snoop Manuel: No doctors, it's not needing tendons to play baseball big.

Jose Reyes: No coach, it's not being able to run because of that tendon that I supposedly don't need big.

K-Rod: No Jose, it's blowing a 7-5 lead in the ninth big.

Johan: Wait a minute Frankie, it's not that big.

Sean Green: No Frankie, it's hitting the first batter you see in a tie game with the bases loaded with your first pitch big.

Albert Pujols: No Sean, it's hitting a grand slam to put the game away while playing lion to your christian big.

Johan Santana: Come on guys ...

David Wright: No Albert, it's having your season end in August big.

Carlos Beltran: No David, it's having your season end when all of your stars eventually land on the disabled list big.

Oliver Perez: No Carlos, it's having your season end when you let Derek Lowe go to Atlanta to sign a mediocre lefty to an overpriced contract big.

Fred Wilpon: No Oliver, it's having your season end when you get taken for $700 million on a ponzi scheme big.

Johan Santana: Yeah, I guess you're right.

Johan Santana: Hey, who took my f***ing chipotle cheesesteak sandwich from Subway restaurant???

Angel Berroa: (Mumbles with mouth full of sandwich) What?


Anonymous said...

You have combined the two most painful things to watch, a Met game and the Johan/C.C. Subway commercial, and formed something wonderful. All that's missing is C.C.'s wonderfully delivered "No, it's facing you know WHO big."

number15 said...

when i watched the debacle unfold in the 9th and 10th, the one silver lining i identified was the mirth that would come my way via the metstradamus express the following morning. well done, sir

Anonymous said...

I hate being a Mets fan. I really do.

Coop said...

Oh 'Damus. 2009 has officially jumped the shark. I refused to believe it up till now, and even last night I refused to. Oh well. Time to drink. Oh btw I am following this team to California this weekend. I made plans to take a trip to see the Angels. At least I'll see a team that has something to play for.

metsfanintexas said...

I just knew Metstradamus would
have something great to share after
that horrible debacle I witnessed
last night. Sean Green is making
me miss Arron Heilman and the Heilometer here!!

James Allen said...

As the first poster said, at least you managed to put two annoying things (last night's loss and that assinine commercial where two of the richest baseball players on the planet whore themselves out to a shitty sandwich chain) into sharp relief.

And really Coop, you didn't realize the season was over until now? I admire the optimism (and your spirit in general), which I share to a limited degree, but this team has been going nowhere since Memorial Day. I also knew that, at some point, there was going to be a short winning streak (lousy teams have shorts spurts all the time) that would temporarily get some people's hearts aflutter. You see how long that lasted.

Hell, we've been here before. In this context, 1991 springs to mind, although at this point in time that season they were in the middle of a 2-18 run (Goddamn! I just looked that up, how the hell did I forget about that? Supression, no doubt) Transforming a 55-43 record to a 57-61 record.

Wow, that was actually worse than what we're going through now, a lot worse. And the Mets had Gooden, Cone, and Viola starting in that stretch. WTF, huh?

Where was I? Oh yeah, the 2009 Mets being done. Subway sadwiches. Johan. Chipolte peppers (mmmmm... chipolte).

The moral of all this is: we can all watch the games without worrying anymore: watch the game, eat a lousy sandwich, drink lots of beer (the very important part), and after the game is over visit your local Ford dealer and piss on one of the new 2010 models. Tell 'em Derek Jeter sent you.

James Allen said...

Down goes Niese. Is this like a curse or something? Are young pitchers going to be afraid to pitch for the Mets fearing a sort of Final Destination-style injury?

I was just witness to another first for me: seeing a pitcher tweaking something and then hurting himself a hell of a lot more on a practice pitch.

See? Even if this team is going nowhere, there's still interesting things to see. Next up: a plague of locusts during the seventh inning stretch.

Time for another Blue Moon (for a "teachable moment"). I can't wait to unload on that 2010 Ford Fusion later on.

Unser said...

Mets got rooked on the Putz- Green deal. Putz was damaged goods and Greene . . . well he just stinks.

And, please, can they stop telling us how many games the Mets are behind in the wild card race? It really insults our intelligence. Instead of this, they should tell us how many players got hurt each game.

Schneck said...

I was at the game last night and when the score was 7-5 the wave started its way around the stadium for the first time. We all know what happened after that. Coincidence? I think not. In fact, the wave probably changed the wind currents in the dugout and caused Castillo to slip down the stairs as well. The wave needs to be banned.