Conversations With Oliver Part 2

Alien 1: Do you have the specimen?

Alien 2: Yeah, he seems pretty typical of this life form. Apparently, they call them ... humans.

A1: Have you sufficiently replaced him with one of our cyborgs without anyone knowing?

A2: Yes, we had one that was just the right size.

A1: Perfect! Okay, bring the specimen to, so we can find out about his ways in preparation for the invasion.

...

A2: Human? Human! Wake up, we have much to ask you.

Oliver Perez: Wha, what happened?

A1: You are under our control.

OP: But I'm supposed to pitch tonight.

A2: Pitch? What is this "pitch" you refer to.

OP: It's a slider. I've been working on it extra with Dan Warthen.

A1: Who is this, Warthen? Is he your leader?

OP: Yes.

A1: Tiberius, bring me Warthen ... dead or alive!

OP: Hey, are you guys aliens?

A1: Do not fight us, mere human.

OP: Oh wow, this is so cool, I have so many questions to ask you! What color is the sky in your world?

A2: Ummm ...

OP: Hey, if you're aliens, how do you know so much English?

A1: You ask too many questions.

OP: Do you get SNY up here?

A2: Yeah, this is a state of the art space travel craft. We get all galaxial stations ... but the reception on Bravo comes in a little fuzzy.

OP: Oooh, let me see who is pitching for me since I'm missing.

A1: We have replaced you with a cyborg!

A2: Yeah, they have no idea you're gone.

OP: Really? Oh, look at that guy's fastball. I didn't know they had cyborgs that could throw 94 mph fastballs.

A1: We are far superior to you humans in every ...

OP: Is there popcorn in space?

A2: Of course.

OP: Can I have some? I've always wanted to try space popcorn.

A1: But you didn't know there was popcorn in space.

OP: Do you have Styrofoam on your planet?

A2: Yeah.

OP: When you ship it, what do you pack it in?

A1: Look, we need to know what you know, not the other way around. Now where is the mission control center on your planet?

OP: I don't know. Hey, how come a psychic never wins the lottery?

A2: What's a lottery?

OP: Are you from Mars?

A2: Do we look like we're from Mars?

OP: No, you don't have antennae and you don't look like the Great Gazoo.

A1: Enough!

OP: Hey, why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

A1: THERE ARE NO LEMONS IN OUTER SPACE!!!!!

OP: I knew I shouldn't be drinking dishwashing liquid.

A1: See? We should have abducted Papelbon.

A2: He's one of our plants, remember?

A1: Oh yeah. Well this specimen is useless. Put him back in his original shell. If this is a typical human he'll be more use to us on Earth instead of here. Then we'll be able to invade this planet like a hot knife though space butter.

OP: Oh good, I can pitch the seventh inning!

A2: What do we do with the super-cyborg who's dominating this competition we secretly invaded?

A1: Put him in that smallish character in white who wears number 1 ... Everth Cabrera. Perhaps the lower numbers are indicative of a higher intellect. I have a good feeling we can get some real information from him.

"The humans don't suspect a thing. They're too busy throwing rocks and garbage at this Rodriguez person."

(Editor's note: To revisit the original conversation with Oliver, click here.)