Conversations With Oliver

Pregame:

OP: Hi guys.

JJ: Who the hell are you?

OP: I'm Oliver ... remember?

JJ: Oh yeah. Well what are you doing here?

OP: I'm your new bullpen buddy.

PF: Yeah J.J., Ollie's joining us.

JJ: Oh. Well don't eat my sunflower seeds.

First inning:

OP: J.J.?

JJ: What?

OP: Why do they call him Donkey Kong if he is not a donkey?

JJ: What??!?

OP: I was just wondering. I have a lot of time to think out here.

JJ: What's the matter with you?

Second inning:

JJ: Come on Johnny, get it over the plate.

OP: Why does he get to stay in the rotation with all these walks ... sigh. I wish they would send Johnny here with me. I need a friend.

SG: Oliver why are you so mopey?

OP: I'm bored and I'm not used to you people.

JJ: You people?

Fourth inning:

OP: J.J.?

JJ: Yes?

OP: What's the meaning of life?

JJ: You serious?

OP: Yeah. There's a lot of time to ponder things like that here. I just want to understand why I've been sent here.

JJ: The meaning of life is to work quick and throw strikes. It's simple.

OP: Huh?

JJ: No wonder you're here.

Fifth inning:

OP: J.J.?

JJ: What?

OP: If you dug a hole through the center of the earth and jumped in, would you stay at the center because of gravity?

JJ: No.

OP: But when I give up a home run it always seems to travel to the center of the earth.

JJ: (Sigh)

Sixth inning:

OP: Dude, wanna play cards?

JJ: Oliver, I'm trying to watch the game.

OP: But I'm bored. Maybe Sean will play with me.

JJ: Get up Carlos! Get up ... Yeah baby! 3-2!!!

SG: Dude he crushed that.

BP: Nice shot Carlos!

OP: My knee hurts.

SG: Which one?

OP: Ummm (looks down), this one?

JJ: Oliver that's your oblique muscle.

OP: What's an oblique? Is that like a triangle? Oh no, that's obtuse.

JJ: It certainly is.

Seventh inning:

OP: Pedro, wanna play cards?

PF: Dude I gotta warm up.

OP: What about you, Sean?

SG: I gotta warm up too.

OP: Why is everyone leaving me? Was it something I said?

JJ: (Grumbles)

OP: J.J.?

JJ: What??!?!?!??

OP: Now that Carlos Beltran has two home runs does that mean he's playing meaner?

JJ: Oliver, I don't know what you're talking about.

OP: J.J.?

JJ: Yes?

OP: What happens to an irresistible force when it hits an immovable object?

JJ: It leaves the park and you get taken out of the game.

OP: Oh.

OP: J.J.?

JJ: Yes?

OP: How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

JJ: If you were in the rotation, you would have been assassinated. Out here, you'll just get murdered.

OP: J.J.?

JJ: Oh for the love of all that is holy ...

OP: If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?

JJ: That's it. I'm leaving. (Grabs bullpen phone) Jerry? You have to get me in this game. I can't deal with this guy anymore out here.

Eighth inning:

OP: I'm lonely. Everyone has left me. Frankie? Frankie?

FR: Oliver! Oliver!!! LOOK OUT!!!

(Chipper's home run off J.J. Putz lands in the bullpen, inches away from Perez.)

JJ: Dammit! Why the hell do they call him Donkey Kong??? Oliver, I'm going to kill ... er, assassinate ... umm, murder ... dammit!