Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Between The Lines

You might have received a letter from Omar Minaya, welcoming you to the 2007 season. A nice gesture, but it seemed a little too filtered.

Luckily, the crack staff are experts at understanding the deeper meaning behind mere words. Here's what Omar was really trying to say...

"Dear Mets Fans:

Our quest for a championship begins this week as pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training. All of us at the Mets are determined to build upon last year's success - an MLB-best 97 wins and the National League East title."

(We'd better. If we don't at least start off to a 35-5 start and make the World Series in '07, some heads are going to roll. I'm not talking about mine...in Omar we trust, right? I'm not even talking about Willie's. Heck, I like Willie. But we've got guys coming in complaining about parking spaces that are going to make easy targets if we start out slow. Hey you know how these things start...the Mets are 2-3 and the headlines read "What's Wrong With The Mets"? All of a sudden, a player is in a slump and Lo Duca has to come out to the press to day "Hey, stop booing Shawn Gree...I mean, stop booing player X." We're determined to win the N.L. East by pounding the Phillies every chance we get and show Jimmy Rollins who's boss. We're determined also to keep winning in Turner Field, expose the Marlins lack of experience and...oh come on, it's the freakin' Nationals. They let go of me when they were the Expos and look what happened.)

"We like our blend of young talent, veterans, power, speed, and athleticism as we head into what will be a competitive camp. Carlos Delgado, David Wright, Jose Reyes, and Paul Lo Duca anchor our star-studded infield with Carlos Beltran, Shawn Green, and Moises Alou in the outfield. We think that these guys and those coming off the bench playing as a team combine for one of the most potent, dynamic, and exciting lineups in baseball."

(We're gonna score some runs. Freddy Garcia and Adam Eaton in Citizens Bank Park? Where do we sign up?)

"We feel we have more quality arms and depth on our staff than we have had in many, many years going into Spring Training. Proven winners Tom Glavine and Orlando Hernandez lead the starters. After showing a lot during the playoffs last year, we have good reason to believe that John Maine and Oliver Perez can continue to contribute for us this year. We feel that homegrown Mike Pelfrey and Philip Humber are legitimate big league prospects who will compete for a spot with Chan Ho Park, Jorge Sosa, Aaron Sele, Alay Soler, and Jason Vargas. The addition of Ambiorix Burgos and Scott Schoeneweis strengthens our N.L.- leading bullpen. We expect even more quality performances from Aaron Heilman, Pedro Feliciano, and Duaner Sanchez to set up closer Billy Wagner."

(Okay...so we didn't get Barry Zito, and we didn't trade for an ace. So what? All right so I can't type that with a straight face, but how would you think of me if I took $127 million of your hard earned money and gave it to one guy...a guy who comes to spring training and changes his delivery causing his pitching coach to say "uh-oh". Uh oh? Rick Peterson would never say "Uh oh!" He might compare a wheat field to a night club or something similar that makes no sense, but he would at least sound like he knew what he was talking about. Then Zito yells at reporters that they blew the whole changed delivery story out of proportion...gee, how would that have flown in New York? Huh? Huh??? Jason Vargas and Aaron Sele don't sound so bad anymore, do they?)

"Manager Willie Randolph's leadership has created the most unique clubhouse and team environment in all of baseball. We expect the team to continue to thrive under his guidance."

(Willie Randolph is a guy who managed Jose Offerman, Kaz Matsui, and Jose Lima. AND NOBODY DIED IN THE PROCESS! How many managers do you know that could pull that off? Not many. So I swear if I hear one more freakin' complaint about how Willie uses the bullpen, we're throwing down.)

(I mean it.)

(Don't test me.)

"Our entire organization is excited about the upcoming season. The abrupt conclusion to last season makes us even more driven in our goal of winning a World Championship for the greatest fans in sports. We thank you for your loyal support and look forward to seeing you back at Shea for more thrills, fun, and celebrations."

(Yadier Molina. F#%&ing d*&^it!)

(Well then. Fresh start, shall we?)

"Best,
Omar Minaya Executive VP of Baseball Operations & General Manager
New York Mets"

(Peace out. Love, O.)

6 comments:

Toasty Joe said...

There appears to be no limit on what Heilman will bitch about to the media. A freaking PARKING space? Can we get Mr. Poopy Pants off the team, please?

elliot said...

Hey, toasty - Heilman is cool. He's 28 years old, is under the Mets control until he's in his 30s, and there is apparently no way that they will give him a chance to start. His entire career - his life's work from when he was playing T-ball - is being threatened, as he sees it (and rightly so). Even so, Heilman continues to do his job, do it well, and do it with a minimum of whining. Yes - he let it be known that he wants to be a starter. But he didn't harp on this, or let it interfere with his performance. How would you have had Heilman handle this?

Although I'd like to see Heilman get a shot at starting, that's not my point. I think that Heilman has been classy, and has done everything that we could hope for from a person in his position. In fact, giving him a parking spot would have been a nice way for the Mets to show Heilman some love.

Mike said...

And how's about giving the guy a damn parking space! Jeez, how much shitting upon does Heilman have to take?

I'll admit it's REALLY strange to see a team struggling to find starters keeping a guy like Heilman in the pen without even considering him for the rotation.

Toasty Joe said...

My point was, he needs to keep his complaining out of the media. If he wants to do it in Willie's or Omar's office, that's his business. Airing one's dirty laundry is a recipe for disaster.

Mike said...

Point taken.

jabair said...

"You don't have to go to dinner with a guy four or five times a week to do what you do," he said. "It's actually much better than all you guys [suspect], but I just wanted the truth to be known. … You go from sleeping over at somebody's house five days a week, and now you don't sleep over. It's just not that big of a deal. That's happened with your friends, I'm sure. Some of your friends.

"I think it's just important to let all you guys know. You guys haven't heard it from me [before]. It's an old question. There's nothing there. It's much better than you guys are going to write, but the reality is, there's been a change in the relationship over 14 years and hopefully we can put it behind us."