Fearless Forecast

Well, the news just gets better and better, doesn't it?

It seems that the minute that we've all rationalized the loss of Pedro Martinez does Orlando Hernandez decide he wants to go jogging.

Great.

Well Met fans, fear not. Because all it means is that my fearless forecast for the NLDS between the Mets and the Dodgers is as up to date as you can get. In fact, there's no need to watch the series, because you can read all about it here...unless of course, you don't want to spoil your fun.

Game One (The Rain In Spain):Willie Randolph fearlessly goes with John Maine to start the first playoff game involving this franchise since 2000 (well, maybe not fearlessly, but he has no choice.) John Kruk predicts that the Mets have absolutely no chance in this series.

After Maine shuts the Dodgers down 1-2-3, the Derek Lowe is about to do the same with two outs and Jose Reyes on third after stealing two bases. They put the shift on Carlos Delgado...and it works as he hits a weak grounder right to Jeff Kent. Kent fields it cleanly, but his throw lands somewhere near Jackson Heights to put runners on second and third, and the Mets would go on to score five unearned runs to cruise to a 9-3 victory.

Bob Klapisch predicts that the Jeff Kent error will band the team together and propel them to victory in the next three games.

Game 2 (Time Change): The game time of Thursday's Game 2 is changed from 8PM to 1PM ET. FOX execs explain because the late switch of Greg Maddux in favor of Hong-Chih Kuo, there isn't enough time to think of new angles to replace the Tom Glavine vs. Greg Maddux storyline. FOX instead runs the Derek Jeter Yankeeography three consecutive times at 8PM.

Glavine goes eight strong innings giving up three runs, prompting Daily News scribe Bill Madden to write that the Mets starting rotation is the worst he's seen since the 1899 Cleveland Spiders. But Kuo exploits the Mets weakness against lefthanded pitching and goes eight shutout innings to preserve the 3-0 victory, tying the series at one game apiece. After the game, Kuo goes to his locker to find all his clothes missing, with a note taped to his locker that reads "KNOW YOUR PLACE, LEFTY...from: your opponents."

Game 3 (A Wimbledon Special): FOX announces that the start time for Game 3 at Dodger stadium would be pushed back to 9AM ET (6AM PT). Execs reason that a Steve Trachsel start combined with the Dodgers nasty habit of playing eighteen inning games would be just too cruel for the major league baseball fan to stay up all hours of the night to watch this thing.

True to form, this turns out to be the longest game in recorded history...a 9 hour 45 minute game that goes 10 innings. Jeff Kent threw a two out grounder somewhere in the direction of Orange County in the tenth inning to let in an unearned run, but Nomar Garciaparra's three run home run off of Billy Wagner wins the game for the Dodgers 8-6 in ten innings, and gives the Dodgers a two games to one series lead. The news would then get worse, as since all of the Dodger fans left the park after the third inning, the only fan left in the bleachers is a Met fan who throws Nomar's home run ball back towards the field in disgust. The ball winds up hitting Cliff Floyd in the ankle, and in the process twists said ankle and forces Floyd out of action for the rest of the first round.

Tino Martinez appears on Baseball Tonight immediately following the Dodgers' victory and reports that Nomar is no Derek Jeter.

Game 4 (Intangible): The fourth game, with the Mets' backs to the wall features the return of Orlando Hernandez to action with the Mets needing him the most. FOX announces that since Hernandez is old, the start time of the game will be 11AM ET to make sure he gets to Country Kitchen in plenty of time for his midday special.

Hernandez indeed comes through, pitching a nine-inning, 278 pitch complete game to back up David Wright's 5 RBI day giving the Mets a 9-0 win and setting up a deciding game five. (Brad Penny's back injury forces him out of the game after 2/3's of an inning, but Tom Verducci reports that Brad Penny with no back muscles is still better than any Mets starting pitcher over the last thirty years.)

Gary Cohen calls this the most important Mets victory in the last twenty years. Ron Darling raves about what Orlando's intangibles bring to the Mets as a team. In the hours following the game, Bud Selig asks George Mitchell to head up a commission to investigate whether intangibles are a performance enhancing substance, and whether Hernandez used them illegally. Selig hopes to create a baseball by-law, outlawing intangibles for major league baseball players...except for Derek Jeter, being grandfathered into the rule having been the only player over the last hundred years to ever have intangibles before today's game.

Keith Hernandez, meanwhile, is in his midtown apartment having wine and laughing at Gary Cohen and Ron Darling for having to work during the playoffs.

Game 5 (The Surprise Ending): The deciding game 5 features the starters from the first game, John Maine and Derek Lowe. FOX execs are worried that since Derek Lowe gave the "up yours" sign to the Oakland A's bench after clinching Game 5 of the 2003 ALDS, that this game would start at 2AM early Tuesday, and that's their coverage would be shown on Cinemax for fear of adult content.

Jose Valentin was a late scratch from the lineup for what the Mets called "general mustache soreness". But Ken Rosenthal reports that Valentin actually tore a mustache muscle while trimming it.

Maine is spectacular, giving up only an Olmedo Saenz sacrifice fly in seven great innings. Derek Lowe is better, holding the Mets to only two singles in eight innings, both to Chris Woodward.

The Mets start the bottom of the eighth inning with singles to Endy Chavez and Chris Woodward (his third of the game), but Julio Franco pinch hits and grounds into a 4-6-3 double play. With Chavez on third base, Derek Lowe can't seem to find the plate, walking Reyes and Lo Duca to bring Carlos Beltran to the plate with the bases loaded. Grady Little visits the mound, but is convinced that Derek Lowe has enough left to face Beltran. Lowe responds by inducing a ground ball to get out of the inning, but three runs score as Jeff Kent's throw rolls down a sewer in Nyack. While Shea Stadium is going bonkers, Lowe gives the "up yours" sign to Kent. Then, as Little takes Lowe out of the game, Lowe curses at Little in Italian...then Lowe gives the finger to the Shea Stadium crowd, the clubhouse attendant, and Matt Kemp (John Kruk concurrently reports that Mets players are blaming the whole incident on Lastings Milledge).

So with a 3-1 lead, Billy Wagner gets two quick outs but then he walks J.D. Drew, Wilson Betemit, and Andre Ethier on twelve pitches. Willie Randolph's quick hook brings Aaron Heilman into the game to face Russell Martin. Heilman not only walks Martin to force a run home to cut the Met lead to 3-2, but Heilman shreds both his calves in the process. So Randolph must go to his bullpen again, as Little sends a dangerous pinch hitter to the on-deck circle. Randolph signals for the right hander, and out comes...Doc Gooden?

In an orange jumpsuit?

There are no bounds to what Omar Minaya will do to help the Mets win, and in another stroke of genius, Minaya secretly arranged for an injunction to give Gooden a release from prison for Game 5, so that in case of emergency he could be used. And this was indeed an emergency as the pinch hitter in the L.A. on deck circle is none other than Mike Scioscia.

You can cut the tension with a knife as ESPN's Jeff Brantley wonders if Gooden can get the proper push off the mound while wearing an ankle bracelet.

So Gooden stares in.

Scioscia digs in.

The first pitch to Scioscia...

CRACK!

Scioscia drives the first pitch from Gooden to right-center field. Shawn Green is on his horse as he seems to have a bead on it...but, OH NO! Green's cap flies forward and covers his eyes! He can't see the ball as it conks off of his head! One run will score...two runs will score...but wait!

From out of nowhere comes Endy Chavez making a diving catch of the deflection off of Green's noggin before the ball can hit the ground! The game is over and the Mets win! They win the damn thing 3-2! They advance in five grueling games to take on the St. Louis Cardinals in the NLCS!

An unfortunate incident follows, as former Dodger manager Tommy Lasorda runs on the Shea Stadium field wearing only his skivvies while screaming "GIBBY! SOMEBODY GET ME GIBBY!!! SOMEBODY GET GIBBY A BAT!!!!!"

John Kruk, Ken Rosenthal, and Bill Madden immediately predict that the Cardinals will sweep the Mets in the NLCS.

Jeanne Zelasko says that she still thinks the Dodgers can win this series in seven games.