Under Destruction

So when do we get past the point of "working things out"?

I know, it's still spring training. But we're at March 31st now. This is usually the time of year where pitchers start to stretch things out and have good outings. What does Oliver Perez do? Seven runs, seven outs, three home runs. One of which, it must be noted, was hit by Brendan Ryan.

You might think that Perez is still in "warm-up" mode, or that he's "trying different things", or that Jon Niese preliminarily moving up to the third starter position over Perez and Maine is merely "Jerry Manuel's strategic geometry", but what I know is that giving up a home run ... over the power alley ... against the wind ... to a shortstop who still looks like he might still get carded at the local establishments at the age of 28 ... I don't care if it's Digital Domain Park in March, Citi Field in August, or Must See TV Thursdays on Mars ... it's a @#&$*#ing problem!!!

Oliver keeps pitching like this, the most exciting things we'll see and hear this summer will be Mike Francesa and Steve Phillips have the following conversation on WFAN over and over again:

MF: No Steve, I hate Carlos Beltran more.

SP: Oh I beg to differ Michael, I hate Carlos Beltran more.

MF: Listen Steve, I've been in this town for over twenty years and I'm tellin ya, I hate Carlos Beltran more.

SP: With all due respect, I've tried to trade David Wright and Jose Reyes. And I hate Carlos Beltran more.

Please remind me to throw my radio out the window every Friday and on days where Oliver Perez pitches.

The Seven Year Stain

Now, it's going to take a lot of Kaboom to clean up what ails this organization. But one of the oldest stains that once had no hope of being cleaned was the stain left by Steve Phillips when he traded Jason Bay for Steve Reed.

The Mets have made an attempt to clean that nearly decade-old stain by offering Bay a four-year, $65 million contract on Thursday. And there's also a delicious irony in this as just a day after Scott Boras declared the Mets as a "financial juggernaut" in hopes of them opening the vault for a left fielder, that's exactly what the Mets did ... except they didn't open it for Boras' left fielder. Oops.

(Of course, the Mets also made it rain for Bengie Molina, as they've offered him a two year deal. To quote: "The team's bid for Bay, a native of Trail, B.C., was between US$60 million and $65 million over four years. Molina would cost much less." Not significant enough to mention, I guess.)

Bay/Holliday. Tomayto/Tomaato. At least to me. The difference to me is the opportunity to right a wrong committed so many seasons ago. Most likely, those seasons that have passed will wind up to be Bay's most formidable as a ballplayer, and we'll probably be in for the slow, painful decline of Jason Bay. But I prefer not to entertain such thoughts. Instead, I'll consider the power numbers he'll provide over the next few years for a team and a ballpark which could use some numbers, if he indeed takes this offer.

We can't erase the affairs, but we can erase the other stains ... one bottle of Kaboom at a time.

Misplaced Funny Funds

Wait, let me get this straight ... the Mets made money off the Madoff scandal?

And still never signed an extra bat???

I mean, there was extra money? I don't buy it. If there was extra money, then why did I get an e-mail from the Mets offering a chance to win Dunkin' Donuts coffee for a year ... an e-mail which had absolutely no connection to the Mets whatsoever. Nice. If I wanted offers from Dunkin' Donuts, don't you think I would have subscribed to the Dunkin Donuts' e-mail list???

You can tell me that it wasn't just the Mets that did this. I got the same e-mail from the Cubs ... yeah, the team that filed for bankruptcy!

So all that money sat there doing nothing but collecting interest? F***ing Wilpons. Give it to someone who can actually use $47.8 million.

Like Steve Phillips! Hey, that should cover alimony for a couple of months.

I think I've blown a funny fuse on this. I feel like I'm Cartman in the episode of South Park where he had Kenny take the school picture upside down where you could see his buttocks instead of his face ... and then he took the picture and put it on a milk carton only to have two people come looking for him because they too have "buttocks where their heads should be".

Maybe I feel remorse ... although certainly not for Phillips, who put himself in this mess. More so for the family, in this mess through no fault of their own, who now have to deal with the details of all this get into the papers and thrust into the spotlight where they don't deserve to be. Maybe I indeed just blew a funny fuse. In either event, I hesitate to make light of this. It's too easy to cross the line from justifiable ripping to unnecessary piling on. Besides ... all the really funny stuff seems to have been already written, which would make me a plagiarist.

But in reality, he deserves to be ripped. It shouldn't surprise you that Phillips exhibits horrible judgement ... between trading for Mo Vaughn, discussing a David Wright trade, and unnecessarily ripping Carlos Beltran when standard op procedure on Sunday Night Baseball is to kiss everybody's butt, not to mention his first "fling" with infidelity. But this ... THIS!

...

Nah, that David Wright idea was still the worst.

Okay, now that the obligatory tongue-in-cheek portion of this monstrosity is over, check out Howard Megdal's take at NY Baseball Digest for a great take on the Phillips thing. I couldn't have put it any better.

The Quest For A Championship Continues, Can't Ya Tell?

During the Mets 4-2 loss to the Phillies, Angel Pagan went 0-for-4, snapping his streak of ten games with a stupid baserunning play.

Angel hopes to start a new streak against Jamie Moyer, today on FOX. The Mets will continue to stick to Snoop Manuel's plan to stay concentrated on what’s ahead and continue that quest for a championship. Pagan, meanwhile, will continue his own quest to find the fifth base. Luis Castillo keeps telling him there's a fifth base, much like the fifth Beatle he swears he unlocked in Beatles Rock Band.

The bad news is that the fifth Beatle looks a lot like Steve Phillips. It's a fixable glitch, unlike the Mets lineup.

Swine Flies When You're Having Fun

So not only do the Mets have to deal with the conventional injuries like broken fingers and balky lower hamstrings, they have a stomach virus circling the team, and possible swine flu among their television personnel.

You know, between that and the woman that supposedly contracted swine flu at Citi Field, this would be a perfect time to scrub down the ballpark and sanitize it. But I guess they only consider doing that for autographs.

Now the word is that Carlos Beltran's stomach issues might be due to an ulcer. After J.J. Putz's meltdown, and the latest Pittsburgh debacle on Tuesday night where a depleted lineup couldn't bail out Johan Santana, who doesn't have an ulcer these days?

It was Nate McLouth that drove in the game winning run on Tuesday, and it drew a very interesting reaction:

Yup, you know him. And he knows baseball.

More Cortisone For Everyone

Ron Darling said tonight that with cortisone, you feel a numbness for about two days.

After getting swept by a Mannyless Dodger team, I think we can all use a little of that action.

How about more for J.J. Putz who, even though the first round of cortisone gave him his zip back, still can't get him a hold when it was sorely needed.

Or maybe more for Jose Reyes, who left the game after aggravating his calf injury. Now who knows how long he'll be out.

Or some for the new shortstop, Ramon Martinez ... because he couldn't do any worse playing while numb.

The one good thing to come out of Wednesday night's broom job was Daniel Murphy's initial first base foray, in which he looked more Keith than Kingman with a couple of sparklers in the field. Makes you wonder what took the braintrust so long to figure this one out. Now all Murph needs to do is start hitting like Keith and ...

and the Mets will still need a shortstop.

But at least the Mets and their fans will get one thing they need tomorrow: a day off.

***

Lisa from Subway Squawkers was kind enough to bring me more insanity from Steve Phillips as he tries to defend his stance on Carlos Beltran:

"While Beltran does have talent, I just don't see him as a winning player. Even after my comments on Sunday night, Beltran let a fly ball drop in between himself and Angel Pagan in the Dodger game."

Why let the fact that Pagan didn't have the good sense to get out of the way of the center fielder calling him off six times get in the way of validating Phillips' point, right?

"I see him putting up numbers but not making plays to win games. I would take Torii Hunter, Grady Sizemore, Curtis Granderson, and Nate McLouth over Beltran, and use the financial difference to improve the team in other ways. Beltran isn't a $17 million dollar a year player. He just doesn't have the kind of impact for that kind of money."

He's right, Carlos Beltran isn't a $17 million a year player. He's an $18.5 million a year player. Torii Hunter, so you know, is an $18 million a year player, with one more season on his contract than Beltran. Congratulations Steve, you saved -$16,500,000 on that one. Ponzi schemes have more financial security.

"Many people think that Alex Rodriguez is the best player in the game, but he's never won anything. I look at Beltran in a similar fashion as Rodriguez--a great talent that just doesn't seem to have what it takes to win championships. Maybe the Mets can keep him and add pieces to the core around him and still win. But when you're dealing with a budget and the screams of immediacy in New York, I'm not sure the Mets can wait to piece it together around him."

Why not? The Mets waited to piece it together around Tsuyoshi Shinjo? Yes! Let's get Shinjo back! S-H-IN-J-O and Shinjo was his NAME-O!!!!! YES!!!!!! SHINJO MAKES PLAYS TO WIN GAMES!!!!!!

Oh, and so does Steve Reed. Remember him?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put on my sunglasses, as the trophies from all those championships that Hunter, Sizemore, Granderson, and McLouth have won are starting to blind me.

***

On a serious, sad note, many condolences to Scott Schoeneweis and his family. Keep them in your prayers tonight.

Grit, It's Not Just For Kissin' Anymore

While watching the Mets on ESPN might be about as frustrating as watching Oliver Perez pitch, it reminds me how thankful I am that Steve Phillips is no longer the Mets GM.

I have to admit I missed the first part of his diatribe during Sunday night's loss to Matt Cain and the Giants, but basically it ended something like this (paraphrasing):

"If the Mets lose again this season, they have to think about breaking up the core. I believe David Wright is part of the solution, and I believe Jose Reyes is part of the solution. If I were the GM of the Mets, I'd take a look at the $17 million contract of Carlos Beltran."

Okay, for those of you who became fans in 2006, let me give you a lesson in recent history. You see, Steve Phillips was the GM of the Mets. And while he was the GM of the Mets, he allegedly offered Jose Reyes to Cleveland for Robby Alomar, and also allegedly offered David Wright to Toronto for Jose Cruz Jr. So of course he would think about trading Beltran. He couldn't trade the other two when he had the chance.

But yeah, Phillips would trade Beltran for Mo Vaughn because his 1.066 OPS is "part of the problem". But why? (Again, paraphrasing from Sunday Night Baseball):

"I just think this team needs more grit."

YES! GRIT! I have Carlos Beltran, I'll trade it for five of what you call ... Eckstein. Yes, let's do that.

If somebody can come up with a good reason to dip into the core, I'm all ears. I've heard multiple people tell me that maybe the solution is to trade Reyes. I'm not ready to agree with that, but I've heard semi-decent reasons ... at least better reasons than "this team needs more grit." Beltran may have his issues, but lack of grit isn't one of them. I take you back to a September night in Houston where Carlos Beltran risked life and limb to save a meaningless game by crashing into the wall and leading with his knees. Prudent? Probably not. But gritty? If David Eckstein had done it he would have been nominated for seventeen ESPY's.

Let's review, trading stars for the intangible idea of "grit" for the sole reason of being gritty without a real, honest plan (like trading a sulking Nomar for defense in the form of Orlando Cabrera and Doug Mientkiewicz, because I know someone will bring that up) is ... stupid. You get grit to complement your stars, not instead of them.

Grit without great is bread crust. I can't live on bread crust.

But the worst part of all of this is not that Phillips suggested this ... and not that he suggested this for dopey reasons. No, the worst part is that Joe Morgan subsequently disagreed with Phillips about Beltran, and I was rooting for Morgan. I was on the same side as Joe Morgan in an argument ... and I'm not sure that's a shame I can ever recover from. My IQ fell so far south at that point that I wanted to slit my own wrists but was so incapacitated that I tried to do it with my cell phone.

But then Morgan said that when a pitcher doesn't strike out batters, a lot of contact is made. Then I felt much better.

I'll never forgive you for this, Steve Phillips.

Feelin' Kinda Sunday

Whoa, that was some nightmare I had ... Freddy Garcia was a Met and Steve Phillips replaced Peter Gammons on Sunday Night Baseball. It had to be a nightmare, because Freddy Garcia isn't even a Met.

Oh no.

Well, at least I don't have to deal with Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips on Sund ...

Oh F%&K!

All My Rowdy Friends Collapsed On Monday Night

You're going to tell me now that I'm supposed to be excited that Bobby Parnell had a scoreless inning in his debut?

Well if that's the only choice I have, I guess I'll be on board. Because there's nothing else to be excited about after tonight's 7-2 debacle at the hands of the putrid Washington Nationals. Certainly not Pedro Martinez, who was one out away from getting through his six inning outing with only two runs tacked against him, but instead is continuing his descent into the ordinary. Used to be that Pedro would muddle through a game, but knew when that last batter was coming and would dial it up to finish strong ... especially with runners on base. Tonight, sixth inning ... runners on second and third with Anderson Hernandez at the plate (you know the one who hit under .200 in New Orleans this season), and Petey couldn't put him away. (Gee, an ex-Met killing us? That neeeeever happens!!!)

Certainly not the Mets offense, who somehow turned John Lannan from lamb to lion in just one week. He was a lamb against the Mets last Tuesday, lion tonight as the Mets "resilient" offense could only knock one hit off him tonight.

And definitely not Filthy Sanchez, who came in and only had to get one freakin' out in the seventh after Ricardo Rincon came out of seclusion to get the first two outs in the seventh without incident. Then, in came Filthy to put out the fire once and for all:

Walk, single, home run, scorched earth.

To think the rookies dressed like Michael Phelps yesterday. Dressing like gold medalists seem a little bit out there for this bunch. Investment bankers, I would have believed.

***

I loved that Matt Yallof asked Lee Mazzilli during the pre-game if Pedro Martinez has it in him to step up because ... "you've played against him for years." Of course Mazzilli played against Pedro ... in Playstation. Because as you know in the real world, Mazzilli was retired for three years before Petey made his debut in '92.

Oh, Matt must have meant "managed" against him for years. One problem: it was only one year. Pedro pitched with the Red Sox in '04 while Maz was the Orioles manager ... and Petey gave up 22 earned in 24 innings against Baltimore that season.

In actuality, Mazzilli only "bench coached" against him for years ... which is kinda the same as "well, I was in the park and saw him pitch a lot". Yeah, Maz and about 25,000 others. There's some perspective you can't find anywhere else.

P.S. Maz thinks that Pedro needs Shave Zone ... tough guy.

***

There's actually a precedent for what happened to Ned Yost yesterday (by the way Ned, thanks for showing up against the Phillies ... proving once and for all that you can't depend on a choke artist to help prevent a choke of your own ... that's like hiring Robby Alomar to be employed by the New York Chamber of Commerce), and you're familiar with it if you're a New York sports fan.

The 1989 New York Rangers were battling for a division title with 15 games to go in the season. Coaching them was Michel "Le Petit Tigre" Bergeron, famous for his hot goalie system and his hot temper. Bergeron's Rangers went 3-10 when, with two games left in the regular season, GM Phil Esposito fired Bergeron and took the coaching reins himself of a team that was headed, albeit while limping, to the playoffs.

The Bergeron/Esposito relationship mirrored the Steve Phillips/Bobby Valentine relationship in certain ways near the end of their two year relationship. Certainly, the relationship between Bergeron and his players kinda looked like the Valentine/Player relationship. I can only assume that things were completely unmanageable between the Brewers clubhouse and Ned Yost if this move was made at this point. Heck, if it was the choking itself, there were plenty of opportune chances to fire Willie Randolph down the stretch last season.

(Editor's note: Esposito did no better than Bergeron, losing the final two regular season games and then getting swept in the first round of the playoffs by the Penguins. So I wouldn't expect this firing to really make a whole lot of difference unless things were really as bad as some think in that Brewer clubhouse. The moral to the story is, don't f***ing get swept by the Phillies and maybe you can keep your job.)

Mets Activity At The Trade Deadline

Thankfully, the deadline for the Phillies and the Marlins looked about the same, as Manny will not be wearing teal but will be wearing blue (I for one would rather deal with Manny for a seven game series rather than 60 or so as a Marlin). But somehow, according to Steve Phillips, the Mets are the losers of the trade deadline. As such, the Mets have forfeited the rest of the season in shame. Because you know Steve Phillips ... and Steve Phillips knows baseball.

Studio Perspective

Harold Reynolds was fired over a hug. Meanwhile, others who supposedly perform much worse acts still have a job. It's the way of life, unfortunately. But fortunately, Baseball Tonight's loss is the Mets' gain ... as Reynolds will now be in the SNY studio to provide analysis. This is excellent news because Reynolds has always been solid, meaning: he's never made me throw my shoe through my television (others can't say that.)

But I have to show concern from this quote from Reynolds:

"I've never worked on a 'local' broadcast," Reynolds said. "I hope to bring some national perspective."

Harold ... buddy, national perspective is Steve Phillips building a virtual shrine to Carlos Zambrano for getting calls, but calling John Maine "lucky" for doing the same thing. National perspective is why we needed a network our very own ... to get away from national perspective!

But seriously, welcome aboard, Harold! Just go easy on that national perspective. (And a word to the wise, don't move Lee Mazzilli's hair gel. He doesn't like that.)

Rexy Beast

If you live in Chicago (and seeing that it's the Cubs that are playing our Mets, you just might), think about how you felt every week during the last two football seasons seeing Lovie Smith come to the podium week after week and sing the same song and dance the same dance over and over again after another three interception game by quarterback Rex Grossman:

Rex is our guy.

Rex is our guy.

Rex is out guy.

I think that Aaron Heilman might turn out to be baseball's Rex Grossman ... if he's not already. Because you can just see Willie "Lovie" Randolph over the next few weeks hammer it into the media's heads:

Aaron's my guy.

Aaron's my guy.

Aaron's my guy.

Blame Monday night's eighth inning on Jose Reyes' error that led off the inning for Heilman all you want. Constantly, constantly, Heilman responds to adverse situations by pitching with that sourpuss on his face and serving up meatballs like Rex Grossman throws up ducks. How many times is Jose Reyes going to make an error to put a pitcher in a bind? How many times does he ask a pitcher to pick him up like that? So what does "Rex" Heilman do? He hits Aramis Ramirez and gives up a single to Kosuke Fukudome to load the bases with nobody out. And before you go giving him credit for almost getting out of the jam by striking out Mark DeRosa and getting Geovany Soto to pop-up, he didn't have to get himself in to that position in the first place. It reminds me of this classic sketch from The Honeymooners:

"How 'bout that time we were playing softball and you got hit in the head with a bat? Who got a cab and took you to the hospital? I did. Who come up and saw you every day? I did. Who brought you cigarettes and candy? I did!"

"Who hit me in the head with the bat? You did!"

Hey, who got two outs with the bases loaded? Heilman did. But who loaded the bases in the first place? Heilman did. Reyes' error wasn't one of laziness or hot dogginess. He got his glove down, the ball came up. Fine. Pick up your teammate, and get out a guy who's 150 pounds soaking wet (Ronny Cedeno) for crying out loud. Because if you don't, there's Filthy Sanchez coming up right behind you putting up good outing after good outing coming off a 21 month layoff, and going after that eighth inning job that he held before the car crash. The cries get louder for Filthy, which will no doubt prompt the following from Lov, er ... Willie:

Aaron's my guy.

Aaron's my guy.

Aaron's my guy.

By the way, good thing ESPN wasn't the only option for Mets viewing in New York tonight. People outside our fair city didn't have SNY as a choice, so they got to hear Steve Phillips laud Carlos Zambrano as being "a craftsman" when the umpire gives him a strike that's inches off the plate ... yet at the same time calling John Maine "lucky" when he got the same generous strike zone ... this information coming from a source outside the city.

I made the mistake of trying to convince the source that Phillips wasn't letting his previous employment by the Mets affecting his judgement, it was met by my source yelling "shut up and agree with me! SHUT UP AND AGREE WITH ME!" It was the first time in all my years with this person that he had ever ... ever ... yelled at me. This, my friends, is what Steve Phillips does to people. And it's what Aaron Heilman does to people too ... heck, these days Aaron Heilman is driving people to want to punch kittens!

(Hide your kittens.)

But on a good note, (and this ties into the whole Rex Grossman theme), for those who were watching on SNY, you found out along with me that Colts tight end Dallas Clark, who was on the winning end of that Super Bowl that Rex Grossman was in, is a big Mets fan. Clark, who grew up in Iowa, attached himself to the Mets while growing up in Cubs and Twins country. And he came to tonight's game in his David Wright jersey amongst all of the Cubs faithful.

Of course, when you're as big and strong as Dallas Clark, you could probably wear a suit of honey in a bear cage and get away with it. But the crack staff and I would like to applaud Dallas for being his own person and not following the crowd. And Dallas, if you're ever in New York, you're more than welcome to join me at Shea to take in nine innings.

I'll even offer to pay for the ticket ... that is, as long as you promise not to bring up that game in Indianapolis where you torched the Jets for five catches and 100 yards while I was catching flak from Colts fans in my Jets jersey. (See, I know about wearing my colors in enemy territory too.)

Will There Be Donuts At This Meeting?

So Alex Rodriguez is going to Meet the Mets.

Perhaps he'll even Greet the Mets.

Will he bring his kiddies? Will he bring his wife? I can't guarantee he'll have the time of his life.

'Cause as a Met, he'd really sock the ball...perhaps knock some home runs over the wall.

But whether you're on the east side, or the west side, you should really consider coming down...to your senses. Because if you really think there's a chance that Alex Rodriguez is going to sign a free agent deal with the Mets, then you just don't know the Wilpons very well. C'mon...this is a team that once drew up a half-ast contract for Vladimir Guerrero when everyone else was scared off by his back issues, trying to sign him the same way John Spano tried to buy the Islanders.

This is a team that wouldn't overpay for Barry Zito, when Barry Zito was a necessity. You think this franchise is going to give a luxury like Alex Rodriguez more money than the gross national income of Equatorial Guinea to come to the Mets and move either their shortstop to second base (remember how well that worked out the last time) or their gold glove winning third baseman to parts unknown?

Look, I'm not saying that I don't want A-Rod. I'm also not saying that I do. There's a part of me that can do without that phony persona of his, and do without the circus that comes with him. But then again, there's a part of me that thinks 50 HR's and 125 RBI's in the middle of the Mets lineup is enough to make me overlook the A-Rod circus, so I frankly don't know what to think. That's what blowing a seven game September lead has done to my brain. I can't think in those kind of terms anymore. Notice I haven't put out a "how to fix the Mets" post here like I've done in the past. You know why? Because I have no flippin' idea! That's why.

For now, I'm leaving that stuff to Steve Phillips, who went on ESPN yesterday and said something like: "If the Dodgers go out and get Alex Rodriguez and Johan Santana, they'll have a good chance to win the World Series." Wow, no kidding??? What finishing school taught Steve Phillips that new theory of relativity which enabled him to go out on that far a limb to tell us that getting an MVP winner and a Cy Young winner in the prime of their careers will give you a good chance to win the World Series? Eureka!!!

(If I ever...EVER, sound that dumb, please come to my house and put polyurethane in my Dr. Pepper. You know who you are.)

But Steve Phillips is no longer employed by the Mets, so I suppose Alex Rodriguez can talk to the Mets without throwing a garbage can at the wall. Wonderful. Meet the Mets. But don't be surprised when after meeting him, they quickly say good-bye when that slip of paper Scott Boras slides to the other end of the table is about the size of the paper that held those candy buttons you ate when you were a kid, and you tried to eat them all while ingesting no more than the acceptable amount of stray paper that's allowed by the FDA.

So forgive me if I seem less than optimistic over the prospect of this meeting. Because it doesn't matter how I feel about an event that doesn't have a snowball's chance in Scott Boras' house...er, I mean, hell...of happening.