The X (Met) Files

It all seems a little too convenient, doesn't it?

It's February 12th and all of a sudden Kris Benson is out for the season with a torn rotator cuff?

I mean, call me a conspiracy theorist, but it's too strange a coincidence when a pitcher gets diagnosed with a torn rotator cuff in February after he was already diagnosed with a bum elbow last August, giving the Orioles plenty of time to poke around the arm and find something, which they don't find until now.

Sure you can chalk it up to "The Oriole Way", which lately has signaled incompetence...but with a former teammate still looking for a job the same week as training camp, and all of a sudden there's an "injury"? And it's just wee bit too convenient that Steve Trachsel is just ready to step in and play the good soldier with a $3 million contract to pitch for the O's in 2007?

All that, plus Anna Benson is nowhere to be found, and I'm not supposed to believe that foul play was involved?

Think about it for a second if you will: Steve Trachsel gets divorced at the end of the season, Kris and Anna briefly split up in the middle of the season, and now all of a sudden it's February and Trachsel just kind of shows up in Baltimore to take Benson's spot in the Orioles rotation (and perhaps Benson's woman as well?) All that's left is for a lawyer to step up to a podium and announce that the late J. Howard Marshall is Steve Trachsel's father.

It's just too freakin' bizarre...and I haven't even delved into the fact that noooooooow MLB decides to give playoff teams until the first day of the playoff series to change their roster after the Mets lose a chance to replace Anderson Hernandez with Dave Williams...the same Dave Williams who coincidentally came down with an injury of his own which will keep him off a mound until May or June. Hmmmmmmm...

The truth is out there.

History In The Making

There was a time when losing streaks were simply relegated to expansion teams like the 1962 Mets who, among other losing streaks, lost a season high 17 in a row.

But nowadays, even storied franchises like the Boston Celtics aren't immune...the team who has won more NBA titles than any other, has a losing streak of 17 and counting.

Who's streak was more painful? You be the judge:

The Mets streak started on May 21st with a 3-2 loss which dropped their record to 12-20. The Celtics streak started on January 7th as they entered play that night with a record of 12-20.

The Mets lost 17 games by a combined 56 runs, an average of just over three runs a game. The Celtics have lost 17 games by a combined 150 points, just short of nine points a game...with the NBA's three point shot, that's about right.

The 1962 Mets had a pitcher named Vinegar. The Celtics wish they had vinegar to cover the stench that permeates the T (no D) Banknorth Garden.

The Mets were managed by Casey Stengel, who was 71 years old and frequently made no sense. The Celtics are managed by Doc Rivers, who can't lean on the excuse of old age for his senility.

The average age of the 1962 Mets was, amazingly, only 29.1 years old. The 2007 Boston Celtics have only two players over the age of 29, and considering those two players are Theo Ratliff (who's played a total of two games this season), and Michael Olowokandi (who has allegedly played 19 games but someone is going to have to prove that to me), I would hardly count them as "players".

The 1962 Mets had Harry Chiti, who was once traded for himself. The 2007 Boston Celtics have Sebastian Telfair. Telfair was traded to Boston in exchange for Raef LaFrentz, who's departure from Boston has incredibly not made the Celtics any better.

During the streak, Frank Howard drove in eight runs in six games against the Mets. Dwight Howard dropped 18 points and 12 rebounds in one game against Boston.

The Celtics' streak will most land them the phenom Greg Oden in the 2006 draft.

There was no MLB draft in 1963. Back then, a 17 game losing streak only got you the proverbial set of steak knives.

The Mets had a Throneberry. The Celtics have a Scalabrine.

The Mets had plenty of players with World Series experience on the '62 team...Richie Ashburn, Gil Hodges, Roger Craig, Gus Bell, and even Don Zimmer, among others, all played in World Series in their careers.

The Celtics...have Brian Scalabrine.

The Mets streak has been over for almost 45 years. The Celtics streak, as long as Doc Rivers and former Blue Jay Danny Ainge are given a votes of confidence, could last for another 45 years.

Sexiest Rumor Alive

"If I want to be teased, I'll date" -The unidentified lover

The Mets know from failed courtships.

For example, Omar Minaya had a long one with Manny Ramirez. It spawned so many crazy rumors that the courtship was reminiscent of dating one of those women who recite Black Sabbath lyrics while slicing pagan stars into their forearms. When it was over, there was a little disappointment, but also a sense of relief that she didn't kill you in your sleep.

It was also a long flirtation with Barry Zito...longer than just an offseason. Barry Zito was a dance that lasted the better part of 30 months. When it ended, we were all left to pick up the pieces after that long courtship ended badly. In some ways, it was like the geeky high school kid getting his hopes up lusting after the head cheerleader in the shadows for years only to see her predictably date somebody else. There was more disappointment, but there was even a relief when that was over because there were no more illusions and you could get on with your life.

"I thought all along you'd Be the death of me
I met one tonight who wants
What's left of me
I've seen that look before
She'll tear my world apart
I'm working on my next broken heart" -Brooks and Dunn

Now, thanks to the St. Paul Pioneer Press, the geeky high school kid has found a new cheerleader to lust after with no hopes of a relationship at least until the geeky kid grows up and is C.E.O. of a large financial unit...and maybe not even then. According to the nameless columnist (how dare somebody write and not put their real name...er, never mind), we shouldn't be surprised if the Mets, and not the Yankees, sign Johan Santana after the 2008 season. So what the paper is telling us is that two full seasons before Santana's contract expires, the Mets are the lead horse.

Forgive me if I'm not dancing around the complex lathered up in baby oil with unbridled joy.

Does this newspaper know what it started here in New York? Because I gotta tell you, I'm not sure that this fan base is completely ready and/or willing to start pining over another pitching stud who isn't going to throw a pitch in an M-E-T-S uniform for at least another season and a half, if not longer. You thought Barry Zito was bad? You thought Manny Ramirez was bad? Imagine if Scarlett Johansson rode past you in a limousine, rolled down her window, stuck out her head and blew a kiss at you? And you proceeded to spend two years looking out your window hoping that she would roll by again, but this time stopping and actually exiting the limo and coming up to you and kissing you like you've never been kissed before?

Because this is going to be the lives of Mets fans for the next two seasons, thanks to the St. Paul Pioneer Press. We're going to wait around Shea Stadium hoping for Johan Santana's limo to stop...hoping for Johan Santana to exit the limo in a hard hat to pound some nails into the new Citi Field, then going into the ol' barn to spin the first, second and third no-hitters in Mets history before coming up to us, autographing our freshly minted "SANTANA 57" alternate black jerseys before grabbing our cheeks, pulling us in, and kissing us like we've never been kissed before.

Don't tease me. I'm perfectly capable of finding my next broken heart on my own.

(Editor's update: Proving that daydreaming is much, much better than reality, the Mets respond to the Johan Santana rumor the only way they know how, by signing Chan Ho Park to a one year-$3 million deal of course. The rationale is easy: the Mets obviously can't go a season without having a guy who not only gives up home runs, but gives up historic home runs...from Steve Trachsel's grooving of Mark McGwire's 62nd to Park's delivery of Barry Bonds' 71st. With baseball's tougher steroids policy Park should have more success, although that didn't help when Trachsel faced Jeff Suppan in the playoffs. Park will compete for a spot in the Mets rotation, which is great when you consider that the best success Park has had recently was at 2006's World Baseball Uniform Sale and Tournament...as a closer. Terrific. Just terrific.)

Counting The Days

You know what I've been doing over the last few days?

I've been watching the Caribbean World Series hoping that Anderson Hernandez drives in a run with a six run lead for the Dominican Republic.

I've recorded the movie "Dirty Deeds" to see Todd Zeile as Mullet.

I've been calculating the time...in minutes...that a Met would save driving from New York City to Port St. Lucie if that Met would do so in a pair of diapers (143).

It's going to be a long eight days until spring training starts.

No Cigar

"Oh, and P.S., Since Rex Grossman admitted that he didn't really try in that last Bears game against the Packers, and in the process cost me an extra $400, I don't think I would put any of my hate muscles in danger by pulling for the Colts on February 4th to end the Bears' season miserably. However I have no doubt that the Bears will cover the spread just to piss off anyone who would lay the points. Colts 29, Bears 24" -Metstradamus, Friday January 26th, 2007

As I was rooting for the Bears to score that garbage touchdown last night (you've screwed me for the last time, Rex Grossman) to cement my status as a two-sport soothsayer (although it was never documented, I also predicted a Florida/Ohio state matchup in last month's college championship game way back in August...you're just going to have to trust me on that one, kids) I thought it was as good a time as any to revisit my group of predictions for the 2006 baseball season, documented on April 2nd, 2006.

• The price of fame will be paid. There will be a rumor reported that will revolve around David Wright and a model. Might be true...might not. But the New York Post will be involved.

Using the Metstradamus Stableford Scoring system, I'm giving myself this one. Okay, so instead of David Wright and a model, it was Paul Lo Duca and a Long Island club, but it was the New York Post. Score one for the blogger.

• There will be an in-season acquisition for the starting rotation. It will not be Barry Zito. It will be somebody cheaper, and on a team that will fall apart during the regular season. This pitcher will come from the Bay Area. (Is that enough of a hint?)

Well there was an in-season acquisition for the starting rotation. And it wasn't Barry Zito. And he was on a team that fell apart during the regular season. It was not however, the pitcher I was thinking of. If anyone has ever confused Jason Schmidt and Oliver Perez for one another while they were walking down the street together, then I can give myself this one. Otherwise...

• I have to admit I've been intrigued by the prediction of one "the Metmaster", who sees in his own crystal ball that it will indeed be Victor Zambrano who will pitch the first Met no-hitter in history. I have to say that for a rookie, his ability to combine his knowledge of Met history with a heaping dose of irony makes him an up and coming soothsayer. Makes me proud. My prediction is, the prediction of this "the Metmaster" doesn't have a cow's chance in McDonald's.

Ding ding ding ding! (All right, that was too easy. That's like predicting that Lindsay Lohan would go to a party in 2006.)

• Pedro in 2006: 17-9, 3.52 ERA, 199 K's. Will be ever so slightly off in April.

Wrong on all counts...April was Pedro's best month, unfortunately.

• As seen in my Florida Marlins preview, the Mets will lose the season series to the AAA Marlins.

The Marlins were scrappy, winning 8 out of 19 games, but I get this one wrong.

• Same premise: I see lack of success against Milwaukee, Houston, and Los Angeles.

In a tribute to just how impressive the Mets' 2006 season was, they didn't lose a single series to anybody in the National League (the Orioles went 2-1 and the Red Sox swept the Mets in a three game series in Fenway.) The closest team to win a season series against the Mets was actually the Brewers who, along with the Cubs, Giants and Yankees, went 3-3 vs. the Mets. I get 1/3 of this one right.

• Jose Reyes will double his walk total.

Coming within one walk invokes the "close enough" rule.

• Kris Benson will not, I repeat, will not finish the season with the Orioles.

And I never, ever, took steroids...period.

• I'm not sure whether it will be because of the disabled list, or flat out retirement, but I predict that Mike Piazza will not play in his scheduled return to Shea Stadium in early August.

Piazza apparently got so pissed off at this prediction that he specifically waited until I was in the building to go yard...twice!

• Tom Glavine against the Braves in 2006? Undefeated.

A 2-1 loss to Tim Hudson squashed that one before it ever got started.

• I fearlessly predict that there will be a Jerry Seinfeld guest appearance in the Mets announce booth sometime in 2006.
• All right, that last one was a gimme...he's in the Mets booth every year. I just wanted to make sure I get at least one right.

And yet, I got that one wrong.

• My Mets walk off special: First one of the season...would you believe, Endy Chavez?

It was actually the eighth walk-off of the season. Again: with the Metstradamus Stableford Scoring System, I get this one right.

• Kaz Matsui? We're stuck with him...all season. Sometime in the ensuing offseason, there will be reports of a missing 1986 World Championship ring.

Credit to Omar Minaya for finding a sucker...er, trade partner to unload Matsui and prove me wrong. No word on the whereabouts of that 1986 ring.

• Braden Looper will have more saves against the Mets in 2006 than Armando Benitez.

The final tally was: Benitez 1, Looper 0.

• In the tradition of "The Curly Shuffle", "L.A. Woman", and "Who Let The Dogs Out", the Mets will once again adopt a song for the 2006 stretch run. The song will be not only be lame, it will be cheesy.

Oh boy...did I nail this one or what?

• Carlos Delgado in 2006: 35 HR, 107 RBI, .289 AVG., 134 K's.

Final tally: 38 HR, 114 RBI, .265 AVG., 120 K's, and one chance meeting in Philadelphia. Again, we invoke the "close enough" rule.

• I see it necessary for Filthy Sanchez to get five filthy saves this season.

I should have seen it necessary for Sanchez to order room service in Miami.

• Brian Bannister: 6-7, 4.52 ERA in 2006. He'll flirt with a no hitter for say...4 and 1/3 innings.

Five and 1/3, thank you, and in his first start no less. Bannister's season was cut short by a baserunning injury, and months later, he's traded. Bannister has already found time to be pictured in his new hat, poor bastard.

• The grand win total for the Mets? Well seeing as if I picked them for the division, it will have to be fairly high. Last season, we went with 83. This year with the improved bullpen and the juiced up (that's not funny) hitting, we'll go with...91.

Yes, I understand that this prediction paints me as the pessimist that I am since the Mets wound up winning 97. But rooting for the Mets has taught me to keep my expectations low and be pleasantly surprised, rather than enter a season with hubris and have my heart ripped out and shown to me by some light hitting shortstop that becomes Babe Ruth against Mets pitching. You too will learn one day, young Jedi.

Oh yes, you'll learn.

This Year Is Here

I'm resistant to change.

I like old things such as ripped jeans, ripped furniture, cookie sheets with thirty layers of grease...for example.

In a contradiction of those terms, ever since last season's loss I've been ready to cast 2006 aside and go forth on to 2007 with extreme prejudice. But until January first the calendar wouldn't let me. And even after the calendar changed, I still felt 2006 dragging me backwards as if I was tuna swimming upstream.

"The Mets are gonna be good this year." -Mets fan, on January 29th, 12:25 PM

With one innocuous quote, 2006 was over...last year. A distant memory. Or as a friend of mine would say: "nobody remembers". I wouldn't go quite that far, but 2007 officially became "this year" with one simple remark. Heck I got so excited at the fact that "this year" is upon us that I immediately put on some shorts, broke out my baseball glove, and ran around Central Park looking for a game of catch. Heartwarming, right?

Six hours later, I was sitting in a hospital bed with a massive case of frostbite from being stupid enough to wear shorts in sub-freezing weather.

Stupid, right? But hey, one can be forgiven for a touch of spring fever with the temperature at a balmy 29, I say. Besides, 2007 is all about out with the old and in with...Ruben Sierra?

I guess I can hold on to my ripped jeans for one more season.

***

Speaking of ripped jeans, you know what strikes me on the eve of Super Bowl XLI? And trust me, this is no knock on the NFL, the New York Giants, football fans, or George Carlin. But as 2006 started, it seemed that you couldn't get through a day of spring training without realizing that '06 was the 20th anniversary of a World Champion team. As the Mets were entering that season with somewhat high aspirations, the parallels between '86 and '06 were almost surreal...well, outside of the bar fights and the like (Paul Lo Duca's marital woes only count as a controversy because with 10,000 more media outlets, everything is a controversy). There were former Mets celebrating everywhere...heck even Strawberry made a couple of appearances in between money arguments. With every turn of the line-up card it seems there were reminders of Lenny, Kid, and Mookie...even when the Mets were eliminated, Mookie was omnipresent.

The New York Giants entered the 2006 season with higher championship hopes than even the Mets did while celebrating a 20th anniversary of their own World Championship, yet you would have never known it by watching the Giants this season. I mean, where was Phil McConkey? Where was Carl Banks? Wasn't the immortal Lee Rouson at a card signing somewhere?

"In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being." -George Carlin

I guess the NFL, even with only one game a week for 16 weeks, has no time for silly things like nostalgia, memories, ripped jeans, and even Ruben Sierra. Too bad. The '06 Giants could have used some nostalgia to mask Tiki Barber's career aspirations, Michael Strahan's amazing ability to yell at a reporter and then nine weeks later play one on TV, Jeremy Shockey's attempted coach killing and successful dropped passes, and the team's near complete collapse from a 6-2 record.

Of course, nostalgia isn't always needed. 2007, for example, is the 20th anniversary of such momentous events as Dwight Gooden's very first drug rehabilitation, the lopsided Al Pedrique for Bill Almon trade, Keith Hernandez shaving his mustache, Tom Edens' major league debut, and Terry Pendleton's season killing home run.

As much as it would make a momentous reunion ceremony, I'll opt for the present, ripped jeans or not.