I Read The News Today, Oh Boy!

Two Mets types are discussing the events of the day in the bowels of Citi Field:

Mets Type 1: You see the news?

Mets Type 2: Sure did. Shame for them, huh?

MT1: Yup. Some thought they had the division locked up.

MT2: Yup. Think of the backlash if we had got him.

MT1: Yeah. Instead, we're just having a quiet day at the ballpark. No distractions, no media crush ...

MT2: Not that it would matter anyway. After all, there's no tabloids in our clubhouse, so if Manny was clipped for PED's as a Met, I doubt the rest of the team would figure it out for days on end.

MT1: You're right. I wonder if the team even knows about Manny?

MT2: Not likely. Heck I bet they don't even know that Angel Pagan was hauled in for multiple traffic violations.

MT1: Hmmm ... You know ...

MT2: Yeah?

MT1: This could help solve a problem of ours.

MT2: How so?

MT1: Well, y'know we put Oliver Perez on the 15 day DL, right?

MT2: Go on.

MT1: Think about it. Fifteen days isn't going to be enough for Ollie to figure out his problems ... he's only had five years.

MT2: You got that right.

MT1: So let's say that one of our trainers, who is treating Ollie in Buffalo for his "patella tendinitis" ...

MT2: (giggles uncontrollably)

MT1: No wait, wait, shut up! What if on the trainers table there's, say, Novocaine ... and another needle that just happens to contain ...

MT2: Gonadotropin??!?

MT1: Exactly!

MT2: It's unethical!

MT1: Or ... it's awesome! Think about it, that's 50 games that Oliver can "rehab" and the Mets wouldn't even have to pay him! And the trainer can write it off as an "unfortunate accident".

MT2: I don't want any part of this. I feel dirty just being in this conversation.

MT1: Come on, it can't miss! Then everyone can blame Oliver for being a cheat rather than us for signing him in the first place, and for not knowing whether to put him in the bullpen or the disabled list! It's brilliant!!!

MT2: I don't know ... I just don't feel comfortable with this ...

(This conversation is interrupted by the Baseball Gods)

BG: Metstradamus how could you!

MD: What? What now?

BG: The whole premise of this conversation you're conjuring up is just wrong ... and it's tempting us to do some nasty things to your club.

MD: Haven't you done enough? What more can you do?

BG: Well, in an ironic twist, we could put a lefty pitcher of yours on PED's, only it wouldn't be Perez.

MD: Umm ... (shakes uncontrollably) you are talking about Ken Takahashi, aren't you?

BG: Guess again.

MD: You wouldn't dare!

BG: Wouldn't we.

MD: All right, what do I have to do?

BG: End your flimsy attempt at a joke, give us a disclaimer, and all will be forgiven.

MD: Forgotten too?

BG: Well ...

MD: All right, just don't mess with Johan.

BG: Deal. See ya soon!

MD: I was afraid you'd say that.

(Disclaimer: The above conversation is fiction. The Mets would never even dream of such a thing let alone put it into practice. Manny Ramirez's suspension is unfortunate and should not be joked about ... even when the Mets go to Los Angeles to face a Manny-less Dodger team later this month. Oliver Perez's injury is real and should also not be joked about. And steroids, steroid maskers, and women's fertility drugs are never the answer.)