Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Delivering The Good News (With Onion Rings)

(Metstradamus hears a knock at the door, waking him from a sound sleep:)

MD: Hello?

OM: Hey, it's me. Can I come in?

MD: Sure.

(Metstradamus lets in a certain GM of the New York Mets)

MD: Dude, it's like, 3AM.

OM: I know, I know. Here, I brought White Castles.

MD: Ooh, ooh, the kind I like? Cheeseburgers with no pickles?

OM: And just a touch of ketchup. Nobody knows their fans better than me. I even got two sacks of onion rings.

MD: You're awesome.

OM: Save that for when I give you the news.

MD: What news? Are you bringing back the winter caravan? Are you bringing back Jose Lima? Oh wait, I know ... you bought Brian Schneider a Hitaway!

OM: Better.

MD: Well I hope so. It's three o'clock in the freakin' morning.

OM: I got him.

MD: Who?

OM: You know who.

MD: Wait ... no!

OM: Yes.

MD: NO!

OM: Yes!

MD: I don't freakin' believe you!!!

OM: Dude, it's true. I got the paperwork right here.

MD: Holy sh ... wait. The Twinkies gutted the farm, didn't they?

OM: Gomez, Mulvey, Guerra, and Humber.

MD: No (puts onion rings on a White Castle cheeseburger and shoves it in his mouth).

OM: Yes.

MD: How in the name of Lee Guetterman did you pull that off?

OM: In Omar we trust, right?

MD: Oh yeah, baby! You truly are awesome. What a freakin' night ... you bring me Johan Santana ... you bring me White Castles and didn't forget the sack o' rings ...

OM: And I have one more thing for you too.

MD: What else could you possibly give me that would make this night even more special?

OM: This: (Omar Minaya flips Metstradamus the bird and starts singing the theme to Maude, while injecting his own name as the primary subject).

MD: What the hell is wrong with you?

OM: That's for all the crap you blogged about me when I traded Lastings Milledge. Omar this, Omar that, I don't trust Omar, bla bla bla. You don't think I read that? You don't think I read how you turned your back on me?

MD: Oh, you're still mad about that? Look dude, I was ticked! I was emotional! For crying out loud you guys blew a seven game lead with 17 games to play ... how the hell do you expect me to react when you trade a talented yet misunderstood outfielder for a .220 hitting catcher and Ryan Church?

OM: Dude, you were dogging me like I was some sort of schlub off the street ... like I was a common hot dog vendor ... like I was Al Harazin!

MD: Oh, come on. Don't you think you're being a tad overdramatic?

OM: Screw that. I try to shore up the bullpen and what do you do? You make jokes about arm casts and afterschool specials. You didn't trust me. And now that I've gotten you your ace, you're all happy and you're all like "oh Omar, you're the best" and "oh Omar you're so awesome" and like "oh Omar, sell me a seven pack". Yet you snicker behind my back and make fun of my smaller acquisitions while not seeing the big picture. Well, screw you. I've had it with you sitting in front of your laptop assuming that there's going to be a disaster at every turn. I brought you Petey. I brought you Carlos Beltran. AND I GOT YOU JOHAN SANTANA YOU PETULANT BLOGGER B*TCH! (Omar flips Metstradamus the double bird and laughs like Cesar Romero).

MD: Omar! Watch your f***ing language!!!

OM: You don't deserve Johan Santana. Maybe I'll just tell the Wilpons to be a little extra hard during contract negotiations during the next few days so he'll go back to Minnesota en route to Boston or The Bronx. Would you like that?

MD: You take that back!!!

OM: Make me!!!

MD: Just wait until ... until ... YOU LACED THESE WHITE CASTLES!!! (Metstradamus runs to the bathroom)

OM: Um no, that's just what they do. But you got what you deserved anyway! HA! (Omar leaves in a huff with an evil laugh ... Metstradamus emerges from the bathroom seconds later).

MD: Wait! Omar!!! Come back!!! (Metstradamus opens the door to find Omar waiting for the elevator in the hallway with an evil grin on his face).

OM: Which seven-pack would you like?

MD: Santana pack?

OM: I'll see if I can invent one. You know I spoil you.

MD: Thanks dude. And thanks for the White Castles.

OM: Anytime. See you at Shea?

MD: You bet.

(And ... scene.)

27 comments:

Mike said...

SANTANA!!!!!!

katherine said...

Thank you Metstradamus for making me laugh out loud at 7:30 in the morning.

I am SO HAPPY today.

Metsies: All is forgiven..

MetFanMac said...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Charity said...

*does a little boogie woogie*

WOOOO HOOOOO!

I think that I am one very happy camper right now!

However I will miss my Carlos. :(

Ed in Westchester said...

Typical brilliance Damus.

Excellent.

andyglass1 said...

Great write up !!!! Hilarious yet still gives all the fair weather Fire Omar fans their due. The photo is great - is that really fernando vina with better facial hair ?

Danny said...

This was terrifically funny. Bravo!

Krup said...

when i heard the news i knew there was only one reaction i wanted to read. thank you for the tasty conversation.

M said...

I'm so overcome with excitement, that (pddly) all I could think of through that entire post was, "Do you think there will be a White Castle stand in CitiField?" Sucking down sliders and watching Santana hurl sliders in a Mets uniform is like something they only show on Cinemax after 11:30pm!

Ceetar said...

I think m has a good idea,

Johan's Sliders at Citi Field.. priced at 5cents for every 2008 win.

MetsGrrl said...

okay. Yankees Fan #1, Handsome Dick Manitoba, does NOT belong in this story.

His kid is named Gehrig, for chrissake. I can't take TBF to his bar because they will get into it.

Don't screw it up, Wilpon said...

This trade was obviously a great move for the Mets.

The Mets get the best pitcher in baseball and, as Peter Gammons puts it, the best pitcher of this (young) century.

And to top it off, they get him without giving up their best prospect in what was probably a worse talent package offered by the Yankees or Red Sox.

The only thing that can screw this move up is if Fred "Coupon" Wilpon decides to be stingy with Santana and the Mets are unable to sign him to an extension....

katherine said...

Oh, Mr. Mutt, where are you now????

Hahahaha take that, Mr Mutt!!

Unser said...

Question: Did Omar get the murder burgers from the WC on Bell Boulevard or on Queens Boulevard?

Greatest trade they've made since Piazza. And did I hear someone say that Santana will "fit in nicely as a number 2 starter"?!?! Sorry Pedro, JS is the 1 starter.

And I think Pelfrey should be the 5th starter - put El Duque in the pen. How sweet would he be as a middle innings reliever?

Anonymous said...

BRAVO

Anonymous said...

Mestra - correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that you in the picture there with the White Castle?

First time you've put up a picture of yourself?

MP said...

Didn't give up F-Mart...didn't give up Pelfrey...didn't give up any ML talent...whatever Bill Smith is smoking up there in Minneapolis must be quite mind altering.

Let's just make the assumption that Fred and Jeffy can agree to the dollars and cents.

katherine said...

I have a theory about how this happened. I bet that early on, Johan told the Twins privately that the only team for which he would waive his no-trade clause was the Mets. But he agreed to keep quiet about that, so the Twins could get the best possible deal out of the Mets by pretending to entertain offers from the Sox and the Evil Ones.

That would explain why the Twins didn't initially accept what seemed to be better deals for Johan, involving Ellsbury, Lester and Hughes. Maybe Omar knew, or suspected, which would explain why he so doggedly stuck to an offer which seemed doomed to fail, instead of adding Fernando M to the offer.

upstate met fan said...

Por que estoy feliz? Porque uno de los mejores pitchers del mundo va a jugar para los Mets. Despues de la mierda de final que jugaron el anio pasado, finalmente Omar Minaya nos trae lo mejor... mejor que Piazza? Mejor que Pedro? No se sabe... pero por ahora se siente mejor que todos ellos.

Yeah, I'm F**@#$ing happy!!!!!

I Oma' we Trus-ted all along!

jdon said...

Omar hung onto Martinez. Good for him. He didn't trade for Dontrelle or sign lohse. Good for him. But he did not engineer this trade. It engineered him. Just sit in the corner Omar and be very quiet while we Yankees and those Red Sox decide if we want him. He is a prime doofus

Demitri said...

Katherine - thats a good one. I'm a fan of conspiracy theories too - sort of reverse collusion.

I was refreshing ESPN like nuts on Tuesday. I hope they get the deal done soon because I'm already teaching my 2 1/2 yr old daughter to say Yo-han Santana.

Erik Love said...

.......To Quote the Great 2Pac

"Im Back. Reincardnated" (Me n Pac, both hope i spelled that right)

You thought i forgot about you, ehh Met$tra?

No, ive been sittin bacc like a proud father thats watching his only son that made it (Nas)

I like the Santan deal, but i dont know if i like it for 6 years. But in this day n age, i guess this is what you have to do

A couple of notes

White Castle should only be ate while a blunt is in the opposite hand (Not that i know anything about illegal substances)

LeBron Jame has always made ugly shoes

And as a Jet fan, are u sick of the Giant Fans?




The return of Michael Vick. March 08

Anonymous said...

man i miss white castles.
Onion rings piled on to a burger is the only way to eat them (I keep the pickles)
Buffalo Ny sucks

oh yeah...

SANTANA!!!!!

Erik Love said...

....March 09

Metstradamus said...

Erik Love returns? How do the kids say ... "OMG"! Welcome back buddy!

White Castles are also great for soaking up excess alcohol.

P.S. That would be Queens Boulevard.

P.P.S. Shows you what I know ... I had NO idea who that guy was in the picture. None. I just looked for White Castle, saw a guy making a goofy face, and thought it was a winner. He even had the cheeseburgers and onion rings. It was so perfect! Although the Bronx wool hat should have been a dead giveaway. Let's chalk it up to irony, shall we?

Anonymous said...

That guy in the White Castle picture is obviously a Yankee fan.

Add a few more gold chains and a pinky ring and he would be perfect.

You can just see him saying in typical Yankee fan fashion, "Count teh Ringzzz, baby!"

Demitri said...

they still have to get the deal done. Anyone remember a certain A-rod to the Red Sox deal that never happened?

Wake me up when its 5 PM on Friday.