Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Stranger Than Fiction?

Forgive me, for it's so infrequent that I step out of character and break through the "fourth wall" as it were. But I might be in need of a serious mental evaluation.

It started when I went to sleep last night and all of a sudden I'm in a park. It was a park in the mold of say, Flushing Meadow Park, but it was just your basic non-descript park with lots of grass. Who's the first person I see walking in front of me?

Why it's Roger Clemens! He's wearing a Craig Sager-like purple suit, and an Arizona Diamondbacks cap. If you're looking for some hidden meaning in that, don't even bother. It gets worse from here anyway.

After walking past Clemens uncomfortably and trying to open up a safe distance from him, I see my wife ... at which point we sit down in front of a big movie screen as if it was Bryant Park. There's now a crowd that's starting to form, and Clemens is now behind us talking to his lawyer about something. So now I'm thinking that my cell phone is going to ring, and Clemens will be on the other end setting up his tape recorder. Instead he starts walking towards everyone shaking everybody's hand as if he's trying to win votes in New Hampshire.

Oh, and did I mention that Clemens was on a pair of stilts while doing this?

That's right. Roger Clemens is wearing a Diamondbacks hat and walking on stilts ... with a big smile on his face. Maybe the stilts signified his "rising above" all of his anger. Or maybe it signified the circus that the whole Roger Clemens fiasco has become. Or hell, maybe it signifies that I'm just a bizarre human being that shouldn't eat so close to bedtime, or read funny stuff like this before going to bed ... yeah, that's it. And Clemens is trying to shake my hand. I'm trying to ignore him like I ignore those guys on the subway who play Christmas songs on their guitar and then ask for money. But Clemens keeps his hand out practically begging for a handshake. So for the greater good, I give Roger one of those dead-fish handshakes to get him to move on ... which in retrospect might have been a bad idea considering how "strong" he is.

But then, here come his kids. And I don't know what his kids look like so these might have been some random kids with him, and they were wearing Texas Longhorn paraphernalia giving me the "hook 'em horns" sign. So I smiled and gave his kids (or the actors playing his kids) the sign right back (at which point I had an actual Texas Longhorn student teach/correct me in the art of the sign. I had a finger signal for him in return but I'm not going to get into that.) I must have made a good impression on the kids because someone told me what a good role model I was to them right before I woke up.

So that's it. This is my life without baseball to watch. I wish I had a punch line to the dream like "and then Mike Piazza showed up with a broken bat foaming at the mouth and knocked Clemens off of his stilts beat him with them and chased Clemens away from the park and we all ate ice cream and lived happily ever after", or "and then came Brian McNamee with a large syringe that he injected Clemens with except that he injected the stilts instead, and then Shawn Estes threw a beach ball at him and missed." But I don't. I have nothing. Nothing except the fact that it's January, and I'm a special brand of disturbed. If anyone can interpret this and give me back my normal dreams which involve the open seas, a warm sun, and an all-you-can-eat buffet, please don't hold back. I need help.

6 comments:

katherine said...

Metstradamus, this was too easy. You were clearly deeply disturbed on a subconscious level by the Angel/Pagan or Teufel/Gott discussion of your previous post, and were working it out through your dream.

Angel/Gott:

In your dream, the park is symbolizing a baseball stadium. Clemens (signifying Christ), has descended to earth to mingle with mere mortals, smiling and shaking hands with them. The movie screen signifies the game itself, and it's important that now Clemens (Christ) is in the audience with the people, not in the game. But he is on stilts, meaning he is elevated above mortal status, but more strikingly the stilts are a crucifiction reference. The lawyer is his disciple. Was McNamee in your dream? He would be Judas. And the "deadfish" handshake - that is either a Lazarus, or a fish and loaves reference, I'm not sure which.

Pagan/Teufel

On this level Clemens represents the Devil, come to lead you astray. The tackiness of the Craig Sager suit symbolizes hucksterism and insincerity - a satanic reference. The Arizona Diamondbacks hat : You mean the one with a D-shaped snake on it? Come on, how obvious is that? And the children giving the hook 'em horns sign: clearly minions of Satan. Finally, It's no coincidence that your wife was there. You two represent Adam and Eve, and the college student who tried to teach you the diabolical hand signs represents the evil introduced into Eden by knowledge.

MP said...

A Craig Sager suit is anything but tacky...I believe the word you're searching for is "classy," "sophisticated," or "timeless."

tommy_calzone said...

Holy Shit, Kat.

Respect.

(isn't that how they say it?)

Seriously, I was just thinking the stilts represented the fact that Clemens needed "help" to rise to that mortal status.

But the depth of your analysis is uncanny.

Metstradamus said...

mp, when Clemens wears it, it's tacky.

And Kat, yeah ... you're good! I feel much better.

katherine said...

wow.... Kat. This is momentous. I now have an internet nickname.

Demitri said...

bravo katherine. do you have a blog where we can read more of your wisdom?

BTW - I keep nervously refreshing metsblog.com on my iPhone every 10 minutes to see if they pulled the trigger on the Santana deal.

And I said I didn't want to follow the Mets this offseason.