Wednesday, February 06, 2008

The Transformation

"Imagine if Scarlett Johansson rode past you in a limousine, rolled down her window, stuck out her head and blew a kiss at you? And you proceeded to spend two years looking out your window hoping that she would roll by again, but this time stopping and actually exiting the limo and coming up to you and kissing you like you've never been kissed before?

Because this is going to be the lives of Mets fans for the next two seasons, thanks to the St. Paul Pioneer Press. We're going to wait around Shea Stadium hoping for Johan Santana's limo to stop...hoping for Johan Santana to exit the limo in a hard hat to pound some nails into the new Citi Field, then going into the ol' barn to spin the first, second and third no-hitters in Mets history before coming up to us, autographing our freshly minted "SANTANA 57" alternate black jerseys before grabbing our cheeks, pulling us in, and kissing us like we've never been kissed before."


-Me, One year minus two days ago today.

I'm not sure if I just got kissed by Johan or Johansson, but I think I need a cigarette.

Because with one change of uniform, here's what Johan has done: Without Johan Santana, the Mets filing into Port St. Lucie for spring training 2008 would have been reminiscent of the really popular girl who went to the big party and got drunk and puked on the shoes of the big man on campus...and then tried to go to school the next day like nothing happened...but then she's walking through the hallways, all of the other students are by their lockers pairing up to whisper things to one another like "oh look, there's the drunk" or "I can't believe she would show her face here again", or "Oh my God, I think she still has vomit in her hair."

Or if it was a text message it would have been: OMG, VIHH! <:@o

But now, with Johan, the Mets coming into spring training is going to be more like watching the geeky kid stroll into high school on the Monday after figuring out how to sneak into the visitors lockerroom before the homecoming game, and load up the jockstrap of the opposing quarterback with Atomic Balm. The kid is still a geek, but people line up and clap rythmically for him, because he pulled off something amazing.

That, my friends, is the Johan Santana effect. You saw it in action today.

6 comments:

G-Fafif said...

And if the Mets ever add a red cap to their wardrobe, our ace pitcher will be Scarlet Johan, son.

Anonymous said...

"The kid is still a geek, but people line up and clap rythmically for him, because he pulled off something amazing."

This sounds like a scene from that high school coming-of-age classic _Breakfast Club_.

Unser said...

Interesting analogies.

I was thinking "3:00 High" - the Mets are Jerry, after he cracked the big kid with brass knuckles.

Harold said...

Johan is our ace, and I'll probably drive down from Albany to a few games this year. But let me say this... if Scarlett Johanson was our ace, I'd have season tickets. Hell, I'd probably move to Queens.

She is the most beautiful woman alive.

Kari from MythBusters is a distant second.

Anonymous said...

harold - http://www.ejacunation.com/wp-content/uploads/KariByronBOOBS.jpg damnnnn

Metstradamus said...

Whoa dude! Totally NSFW!!! You gotta warn those of us with jobs before you do that! (Or those of us with virgin eyes.)