Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Stop! The Metaphors Are Making My Head Spin!

I guess the next time Trevor Hoffman enters a game at Petco Park, they'll be Royce Ringing Hell's Heath Bells.

(Excuse me as I dodge rocks and garbage.)

And do you really think it's a good idea, especially on the heels of the Guillermo Mota suspension for performance enhancing, to trade for a guy named Ben Johnson?

(Now dodging gunfire.)

All right all right. Look, here it is: Heath Bell is a 29 year old quadruple A pitcher. There, I said it. He dominates AAA, but is mediocre in the majors. He can do good things but his lack of an effective out pitch gets him rocked more often than not. Royce Ring is the guy that I regret losing. He came up in 2005 and displayed a very effective curveball. He struck out Ichiro Suzuki, struck out Eric Chavez, and got squeezed on a ball four call to Bobby Kielty which led to a loss in Oakland. He has a's just not at Shea (or CitiField, for that matter.)

Ben Johnson (not the disgraced track star) will be a help off the bench with his pop and his versatility in the outfield. He'll probably wind up platooning with Endy (come on, is a last name really necessary at this point) and Shawn Green in the corner outfield positions, and it will show the world that you don't need to be at the level of genius that Tony La Russa is at to platoon three outfielders in two spots.

And when the lefties are starting, it gives Randolph another right handed option other than Julio Franco (baseball's Vinny Testaverde...or is Vinny Testaverde football's Julio Franco?) Admit it, you cringed every time Julio strode to the plate in a late inning with runners on first and second. Every time Franco came to the plate, you ran downstairs to the stationary store to play Lotto number 643, didn't you? Oh, come on. You know you did. Well now, sweet child, there's hope. There's hope for a new tomorrow.

As for Adkins? I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I know a lot about him. But why are there little birds telling me that long as Chad Bradford is re-signed (let it be so) going to wind up greasing the skids for Aaron Heilman to hit the bricks out of town?

So while Metstradamus will miss Ring's ability to scale the right field wall and rob batters of batting practice home runs, along with Heath Bell's dog Slider, I have to say that this deal is "Adkins approved".

(Now THAT...was bad.)


kyle in newport news said...

Where are the metaphors? You get my hopes up, and then dash them like Polyphemus dashed the heads of Odysseus's men. If you didn't have such a sterling track record, I would get you drunk and put out your eye with a sharp log!

Metstradamus said...

You mean like Omar Minaya dashed the heads of Royce Ring and Heath Bell?

How's that?

kyle in newport news said...

That'll work! Thanks a bundle. I can SEE it!

Donn the Realist said...

No, Metstra, that was a simile.

Metstradamus said...

Oh yeah...simile, like or as...metaphor, yada yada yada.

Donn the Realist said...

Somebody sounds bitter... didn't realize you invested in a Heath Bell jersey

Coop said...

Garth, that was a haiku

Unser said...

Does Bell get to transfer the frequent flier miles he earned on the Mets' nickle shuttling back and forth to Norfolk? He probably has enough miles to fly around the world, first-class.

I can see Ring developing into something. We now only have one lefty (aside from Wagner) in the pen. Something else must be on the horizon.

patona314 said...

i used to have a sense of humor like yours.............then i got married.

jabair said...