Monday, November 06, 2006

Phone Seduction

(We start our story in the middle of a recent phone conversation between Mets GM Omar Minaya, and Mets blogger Metstradamus):

MD: yeah, that's why I think Lastings Milledge for Mark Buehrle is the way to go.
OM: Are you kidding me? I'd be carried out of town after being set on fire in my own feces. How do I explain that one to my wife? (Omar's cell phone beeps.) Oh, hold on Metstradamus, I have another call. (clicks over). Hello?
SS: Omar? Omar is that you?
OM: Yeah, it's Omar.
SS: Omar it's me, Sam.
OM: Sam? Is that really you? I thought you were dead.
SS: No, that was just my career. But I'm coming back.
OM: Sam, that's crazy talk!
SS: No really. I think I want to do it. I have my passion back and I have my groove back! I'm ready to go.
OM: Well good for you.
SS: You know Omar, we should sit down and talk sometime.
OM: Yeah we should have din...wait a minute. Do you mean what I think you mean?
SS: You know it baby! You've wanted me in the past. And you need an outfielder.
OM: Oh Sam, I don't know. I mean, it's tempting, but I'm not sure man.
SS: Come on Omar. This is Sammy you're talking to.
OM: I'm just not sure it's the best idea. The press would crucify me if I signed you. Not to mention the bloggers...oh crap, I'm on the other line. Hold on! (clicks over) Hey, Metstradamus, you still there?
MD: Yeah man. Was that Scott Boras?
OM: No no no. Listen, I have to let you go.
MD: Is it Ken Williams?
OM: No...I mean, I just have to go. I'll, to you later.
MD: Omar, you sound shaken. Are you all right?
OM: Oh, uh...yeah yeah. I'm fine. I just...
MD: Omar, who's on the other line?
OM: Um, it's official business. I have to go.
MD: Omar, is there something you're not telling me?
OM: Hold on one second.

(Omar puts Metstradamus on hold again. Then after a long pause...)

OM: Sammy, I can't do this.
SS: Come on Omar. You can have a 600th HR and a 300th victory on the same night! Think about it.
OM: Sammy, if it's late July, and you only have 12 home runs, I'll shoot myself!
SS: But Omar, I'm in shape!
OM: You know, Guillermo Mota told me the same thing after I traded for him and look what happened.
SS: No man, I don't do that stuff. Those were Flintstones vitamins I took. I've never been caught.
OM: Sammy, how am I supposed to know that after a season playing with Rafael Palmeiro that he hasn't given you one of those B-12 shots along the way?
SS: Man, you appear at one congressional hearing and you get labeled. C'mon Omar, what's a little guilt by association among friends?
OM: Of all the phone numbers of all the GM's in all the baseball leagues...why'd you have to dial mine?
SS: Because my 588 home runs seduce you.
OM: Sam...
SS: My relative inexpensiveness seduces you.
OM: Don't do this.
SS: You know you want it, Omar. You want this.
OM: Damn you Sam. What am I going to tell Moises?
SS: Oh Omar...Moises pees on his hands. Do you really think he'll notice if you don't return a phone call?
OM: Yes of course he'll...wait a minute. That doesn't even make any sense! Have those Flintstones chewables gone to your head?
SS: C'mon Omar. Let's make this happen.
OM: Sam, let me get back to you. And don't pee in any cups before I call you. Is that understood?
SS: Can I pee on my hands?
OM: I gotta go. (Clicks back). All right Metstradamus. Where were we?
MD: We were talking about my trade idea.
OM: Oh right, the one that's going to get me fired. Next you're gonna say I should sign Sammy Sosa or something...


Mr. T said...

oh God.. I hope not

Mike said...

Can Sammy pitch?

Tommy_Calzone said...

damus you are givin me more heartburn than game 7 did.

Stop the madness!

elliot said...

SS? Only BB would be worse (and I don't mean Brian Bannister).

sheadenizen said...

Sammy Sosa or Moises Alou? Just shoot me now!

Unser said...

My 9th circle of hell - Omar fills both corner outfield positions by acquiring Sammy Sosa or Moises Alou and trading Heilman for Gary Sheffield.

Anyone see the news over the weekend that the Mets may be interested in signing Mark Mulder? If true, that says to me that they may not be interested in spending big money on Zito, and, yes, they're looking to put a package together for a top tier pitcher. Mulder's torn rotator concerns me.

Anonymous said...

The Mets front office just got owned!

Ed in Westchester said...

Wait, I thought Sammy didn't speak english?

The Lone Met Fan said...

Just text Minaya back and tell him he can bring back Mark Carreon. Cheaper and younger than Sosa....and no goofy homer hop or kissy kissy to the camera thing....

metswalkoffs said...

You know Metstra, I was about to write my own take on the Sammy subject, but you've covered it well enough.

Basically my feeling is this...if Omar brings back Soriano and Dontrelle for the holiday season(and re-signs el duque and bradford), I'll give him the equivalent of a "Hall Pass," basically one free move from which I shall refrain from critique ...

with that, he can offer Sammy an invite to spring training in a non-guaranteed spot...

with all the ruckus that's sure to happen this winter with Mark McGwire on the HOF ballot, I'm hopeful that Sammy will show up at port st lucie...there will be a 48-hour frenzy...he'll take a few cuts, pop a few balls shy of the warning track, and head out the same door that Bret Boone took last spring.

That would be an ideal walk-off scenario.

The Metmaster said...

Interesting shit from the Detroit News.(see Q&A below) Detroit needs a bat. Milledge?

Q . Will the Tigers trade Jeremy Bonderman?

A . A personal feeling is yes. I suspect the Tigers will receive an offer too good to refuse. This team has more needs than some folks appreciate. The Tigers need a first baseman with power, they need a catcher they can groom to succeed Pudge Rodriguez, and they need an upper-tier infield prospect as Carlos Guillen -- and even Brandon Inge -- prepare for possible free agency. A 24-year-old pitcher of Bonderman's 200-innings, 200-strikeouts status is going to command multiple players, all of which the Tigers will need if they expect to be a long-term contender.

Q . Isn't it suicidal to trade a pitcher of Bonderman's skills and youth?

A . A team that builds its organization around pitching will pay a price in hitters and position players. You compensate by trading one of those successful pitchers for multiple offensive players. There is risk involved, but these are the deals you must make, particularly when the Tigers could have 10 or more legitimate starters in camp when everyone reports in February.

Q . Whom will the Tigers trade for?

A . I like their chances to make a deal for Mark Teixeira of Texas. A young catcher in the Braves' system, Jarrad Saltalamacchia, is the kind of future starter they could be expected to grab in a separate trade for a pitcher, say, for someone like Jordan Tata.

If you think the Tigers are going to be bashful during this offseason, think again. I expect them to trade two pitchers and make at least a couple of significant deals, one of which is destined to be a blockbuster. If the Tigers get conservative, they could finish in third or fourth place in the Central Division. They are building for the long term in baseball's toughest division.

Trading a big name this autumn is an investment in keeping them competitive for the remainder of this decade.

MrMetismydad said...

Metstra, I just sent my wife to the store for another bottle of Tums.

I have a feeling the Mets are showing interest in Mulder to lure Zito, and frankly, I wouldn't mind them signing both, rotator cuff woes and all. I also think the Mets are not making much of Zito (at least publicly) at the moment because they don't want to tip their hand.

Sammy Sosa is not the answer. Ever. I'd rather see them bring back Mel Rojas.

The Mets need either Carl Crawford or Manny Ramirez (prozac and all) in left field. They need to resign Endy Chavez. They need to start talking up Milledge and Heilman as traid bait.

I saw something interesting in the Post yesterday:

Milledge, Heilman and Henry (33 strikeouts in 15 innings) Owens to the Padres for Jake Peavey. Hmmmmmmm......

Now Milledge for Bonderman? Double hmmmmmmm......

Mark FOREMAN said...

YOu idiots only care about baseball when OJ cut off his wife's head and also that of Ron GOLDMON! What is wrong with you people that you allow this travosty of justice!!!!

A.V. said...

you're a genius.

Itsmetsforme said...

if i had any money, i would pay you for the rights to that picture. i had to look twice to see the kid withholding the love from Sosa. priceless.

Tommy_Calzone said...

Damus - where you go?

witness protection?