Mind of (Ex) Met-sia

Here is how the boxscore of Wednesday's ninth inning read:

A Benitez relieved B Hennessey.
Paul Lo Duca Ball, P Lo Duca singled to left
Ruben Gotay Ball, Ball, R Gotay bunted into fielder's choice to third, P Lo Duca out at second
Endy Chavez Ball, Strike (swinging), Strike (swinging), Ball, Foul, Ball, Foul, Ball, E Chavez walked, R Gotay to second
Jose Reyes Ball, Ball, J Reyes singled to right, R Gotay to third, E Chavez to second
David Wright Ball, Ball, Ball, Strike (looking), D Wright doubled to deep left, R Gotay and E Chavez scored, J Reyes to third

Now, that same transcription, with the thoughts of former Met reliever Armando Benitez interjected:

A Benitez relieved B Hennessey (All right, here I come to face the Mets again. I never lose to the Mets, ever! Not since they traded me to the Yankees I'll never lose to them as long as I live. Let's play ball.)
Paul Lo Duca Ball (Sonofabitch), P Lo Duca singled to left (All right, I can get out of this jam. After all, I'm Armando Benitez...and I never, ever, lose to the Mets.)

Ruben Gotay (Ruben Go-who? He had his home run for the season, I have nothing to worry about.) Ball (Damnit, he's trying to bunt and I can't throw a strike), Ball (Damnit! This umpire is squeezing me.), R Gotay bunted into fielder's choice to third, P Lo Duca out at second (That's more like it...but this umpire is still killing me.)

Endy Chavez Ball (I am seriously going to choke someone if I don't get a strike call), Strike (There we are, I'm Armando Benitez with my healthy 95 miles per hour fastball who can't be hit) Strike (Yeah, I am so the flippin' man! F-the Mets!!! F-the Mets!!!) Ball (Damn, I'm seriously getting po'd right now), Foul, Ball (Damn, where is Coach Valentine to visit me and tell me what a great pitcher I am?), Foul, Ball (I could really use that mound visit now), E Chavez walked, R Gotay to second (You know what else I can use? A cup of hot cocoa...and my old teddy bear...has anyone seen my old teddy bear?)

Jose Reyes Ball (All right, this is really starting to suck right here), Ball (oh I'm so mad now...I'm going to show the world how mad I am and go stalk behind the mound and throw this resin bag down, now the world will know that Armando means business...damn, now Reyes is going to expect a fastball down the middle, which is pretty much what I'm going to throw him. Maybe he'll get overanxious and pop it up...and you know I still don't have that teddy bear yet), J Reyes (Yes! He popped it up. I am the man!!! Just get over there Ray...get over there, it's an easy pop up...Ray? Linden???) singled to right (G*D D***MIT YOU $&^HOLES I COULD KILL YOU BOTH WITH MY BARE HAND RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I'M BIGGER THAN BOTH OF YOU COMBINED!!!), R Gotay to third, E Chavez to second

David Wright (They're warming somebody up in the bullpen??? This Bochy's no Bobby Valentine) Ball (Now settle down Armando, remember that this is the Mets we're talking about. This Wright character hasn't had a hit in three weeks), Ball (unintelligible spanish cursing), Ball (Oh my goodness gracious, I'm going to walk the winning run home...where has my life betrayed me), Strike (Ha! I rule! F-The Mets, F-The Mets, F-The Mets), D Wright (get foul, get foul, GET FOUL!!!) doubled to deep left, R Gotay and E Chavez scored, J Reyes to third (That's it, I'm not talking to the media. How dare they only come to my locker when I lose...uncontrollable sobbing).

***

Aaron, I'm sorry. You did shave your head. You are a good teammate and I never meant to imply otherwise. You helped us win by keeping the game tied. You are a good pitcher. Please forgive me...I'll take you to a Jet game in the fall, on me.

Now get those clippers ready for Jose, please.

***

John Maine did not have his best stuff today and still fought through for a quality start. That's what good pitchers do.

But regarding the two run home run that Maine gave up, I have to quote the fine folks at Dodger Blues, in reference to Derek Lowe:

"Giving up a home run to Dave Roberts is like getting mugged and robbed by an 85-year-old amputee. Embarrassing."

So what exactly is giving up a home run to a guy who was supposed to go on the disabled list on Wednesday with bone chips in his elbow, who also happens to be Dave Roberts? Getting mugged and robbed by a 95-year-old amputee? A 105-year-old amputee? Rusty Staub?

"The 34-year-old Roberts homered in the Giants' 5-3 loss to the New York Mets on Wednesday, but noted afterward that he did so under the influence of strong anti-inflammatories and was fresh after not having played in the three previous games."

Under the influence? Is that cheating? Can we get George Mitchell in on this?

Mets Get Britn-i-fied!

Team bonding 101: Cut hair.

It's the oldest trick in the book. Shaved heads work probably as well as the playoff beard, with a little added instant gratification involved too. Hair on the floor and suddenly large ears will do that.

Twenty-one out of the twenty-five Mets, along with trainer Mike Herbst shaved their heads before today's game (and it's a good thing Herbst shaved his head, he looked too much like Ted McGinley, who you know as the death knell of every television show known to man, with that hair.) It worked, making them more aerodynamic and somehow in turn gave their bats more speed as well in the first inning, as they rode a three run first to beat Matt Cain and the Giants 4-1.

Of the four Mets who didn't shave their heads, three of them get a pass: Jose Reyes, because how much more aerodynamic does he need to be? Tom Glavine, because you don't mess with a future hall of famer on the night he pitches. And Aaron Sele, because he has family photo day on Thursday...professional photos are expensive, and remember that those things hang on the wall forever. For--e--ver! You don't want a team bonding activity immortalized on your living room wall.

Then there's Aaron Heilman.

I can't think of a good excuse for Aaron Heilman. Or at least I don't think we were told a good excuse by the SNY broadcast crew. I'm sure there is one, we just haven't heard it yet. It's all good though, because surely Heilman will follow suit and bond with the rest of the team, right?

Right?

Oh never mind. The last thing I'm going to do is get on Aaron Heilman after a win in which he didn't even pitch. Tuesday night was the cure for what ailed the Mets after the awful 9-4 loss on Monday. Tuesday night was the very reason why teams should still be scared of the Mets this season...because what teams are mentally together enough to do something silly like shave their heads and laugh it up after an ugly loss like Monday night? Most teams would simply forget about a loss like that and move on. These Mets? They take it one step further and have their best player shave everybody's heads before the next game. Worries? Not on this team.

Side note: How ironic is it that the Mets pulled off their most famous haircut bonding ritual in the home of Armando Benitez, who was involved in the most infamous haircut in Mets history, his shearing of Rey Sanchez during a blowout loss in '03. Tonight's haircuts are waaaaay different than that.

Night and day different.

***

It's too bad that the Mets of the 80's never did something like this, or else we would have gotten to see Keith Hernandez in all his cranial glory. Hernandez claims he would have never done this, so we're left to wonder what Keith Hernandez would have looked like bald. Well, if you're demented enough to try to imagine that, wonder no more:

Or what about the Mets of the nineties? Would you have wanted to see this:

Can you even imagine Mike Piazza going for something like that? I know he was crazy enough to crop his flowing locks and dye them blond...but bald? Thank goodness that timing is everything.

Molina Sauced

Think of the most disgusting thing you've ever seen.

All right...now think about it again.

You have Monday night's Met game.

A 9-4 loss, where only three of the Giant runs were earned, was not exactly the way to show Barry Zito that he made the wrong decision in signing with the Giants instead of the Mets. No, instead Zito laughs at the Mets, and rightly so after his own fifth inning two out base hit, ugly errors by Damion Easley and Shawn Green (boys and girls if you haven't seen those errors, trust me they were ugly...like your brother after a bender...all right, like my brother after a bender) paved the way for a Rich Aurilia home run, and a second Bengie Molina home run...not in the game, in the inning, off of Lino Urdaneta who had just taken over for a flustered Oliver Perez.

Now don't get me wrong, Easley and Green deserve to sleep in their swanky San Francisco hotel rooms while hanging from their ankles after those awful plays. And it's a lot to ask Perez to be focused after not only those plays, but the earlier Bengie Molina home run, which may or may not have actually gone out, but it was so close to the fan in the front row, and I'm not as convinced as Gary Cohen that it didn't touch him, so I'm not going to get on the umpires for that one. But Ollie pulled an El Sid, as in Sid Fernandez, after that Green error. I've explained a typical Sid Fernandez game before, which is five innings of one hit, ten strikeout baseball...but a walk and an error in the sixth would cause him to lose his concentration and give up a bomb.

That is Oliver Perez. When he's on, he's on. But he has to stay out of trouble. Because if Oliver Perez gets in a jam, then run for cover because the roof is caving in and you need to be under a table or a hard surface. It's hard to really throw a lot of blame his way, because Easley and Green really let him down. But Perez has to toughen up a hair and bail out his teammates, because unfortunately, this isn't the last time a Met is going to make an error...so the situation is going to come up once again. And Perez can't afford to have the ghost of Sid haunt him too many more times. If Perez gets Aurilia out at 3-1 down, it's still a winnable ball game. Instead, the fifth inning ended at 9-1, and I was strongly considering watching a Superman special on the History channel instead of torturing myself at the prospect of watching four innings of meaningless baseball.

I...of course...chose self-torture.

(And by the way, if I never see another Molina brother catching again, it'll be too damn soon. Unfortunately, there's actually a fourth Molina brother catching in the major leagues. And Gustavo Molina isn't even related to the other three...he's just guilty by association.)

***

The crack staff has uncovered some breaking news...in response to Roger Clemens' announcement from the owner's box that he is returning, the Mets planned a similar announcement upon their return home on Friday, as Bobby Bonilla was going to fly from Diamond Vision to home plate on a suspension wire to announce that he is making a grand return to the majors to boost the Mets lineup. However, during today's practice run at Shea, the wire couldn't hold Bonilla's weight, and somewhere around the infield it snapped, sending Bonilla crashing to the ground and dislocating both of his knees, shredding his calf, and knocking the smile off his face in the process.

According to inside sources, if this had happened during an actual game, Jose Reyes would have been flattened by Bonilla's massive weight, and equally massive ego. Reyes may not have made it.

Beware: Falling Rocks

Hey? What's that dropping like a stone? Is it:

David Wright's batting average?

Lino Urdaneta's ERA?

Is it Carlos Beltran's leg strength?

Or is it the streak?

Of course, the answer is a resounding "all of the above", as the Mets dropped their first game in Arizona since it was sponsored by Bank One instead of Chase (lousy bank mergers). Livan Hernandez, who the Mets have hit well in his career, shut the Mets down over seven innings.

To be fair, the Mets had a "B" lineup out there, with Carlos Beltran's "tired legs" giving him a day off, David Newhan starting in left for Endy Chavez, who was in center for Beltran, and Ruben Gotay at second base, this wasn't the Mets best lineup. But David Wright's struggles continued as he took another collar and is now hitting a worrisome .239.

But the good news is that Lino Urdaneta pitched 2/3's of a scoreless inning, giving him an ERA of...well, it just gave him an ERA. Urdaneta had never gotten an out in the major leagues but gave up six runs. So his ERA was quantified with a symbol that I think Prince went by for a few years. But now, he has a career ERA that can be quantified with real numbers. Hooray for Lino. The best part is that his ERA for this season...is zero. The other side of the coin.

The Mets now head to San Francisco for a three game set, and Monday night's pitching matchup is interesting: Ollie Perez vs. none other than Barry Zito, who spurned the Mets to sign with San Francisco, as per his greedy agent's instructions. It will be interesting to see what the wealthy lefty will do against the Mets.

And hey, speaking of greedy Mets enemies, looks like another one makes his return to the evil empire. Let's welcome him back the only way we know how, shall we?

Our signing was a lot cheaper...and Brian Lawrence didn't have to make a huge production out of it.

Pigs Flying And Pixie Dust

If it didn't happen in Arizona, I would have sworn that I saw pigs flying across my window, monkeys flying out of your butt, and icicles in hell.

Jorge Sosa outdueled Brandon Webb.

Let me repeat that for it's value as a vaguely important fact:

Jorge Sosa, who had one good season, and had spent the early part of this in the minor leagues, comes up and makes his first start against Brandon Webb...the reigning NL Cy Young award winner...and out-pitches him.

Analysis? For what? You want me to explain that? Fine: Chase Field is a magical place full of pixie dust, chocolate dreams, and pineapple wishes. You can lick the walls and taste strawberries...just like Willie Wonka's palace. As long as the Mets don't eat the pot roast gum and sneak a swig of the fizzy lifting drinks, we'll be fine in the magical palace of Arizona. Why? Could be because we're living right, perhaps? The Mets are saying their prayers, eating their vegetables, and they're not throwing infants off of tall buildings or firecrackers at young girls. How else do you think that baseballs roll all the way to the wall behind left-fielders with the bases loaded? It's the Arizona pixie dust!

It's like that City Scrap Metal commercial that plays during Mets games...the Mets will buy your scrap metal such as Sosa, Damion Easley, and Shawn Green, and make useful parts out of them for 50 cents on the dollar. Keep the scrap metal coming.

And don't chew the pot roast gum.

Whoa, I just saw another pig hovering over the roof.

Desert Desperation

How desperate are the Diamondbacks to try to steal a game from the Mets that they had to have Jeffrey Maier Night at Chase Field to yank home runs from Endy Chavez with their popcorn buckets?

Yes, desperate times call for desperate measures. Yet they still didn't work as the Mets rode the bat and legs of Julio Franco to a 5-3 victory.

Yes, I said Julio Franco...the 49-year-old Julio Franco. He hit a home run into the pool off of Randy Johnson (proving that objects that come in fast go out even faster), and later in the game stole a base. I think that if he had charged the mound as well, I think it would have counted as a Gordie Howe Hat Trick (and I don't think there's a Sabermetric column for that.

John Maine? He doesn't need to fight (he's a pitcher...not a fighter.) All he needs to do is pitch the way he's been pitching and that's fine with me. The young man is now 5-0 with an ERA that's so small after tonight's victory that it could fit in one of Kirk Radomski's syringes. Maine has become a taste great/less filling argument. Is Maine this good because of the guidance of Rick Peterson? Is Maine this good because he's got natural talent that is blossoming? Or is he this good because he's been lucky? It's an interesting argument. Luckily for you all, only the great Metstradamus has the correct answer:

I don't care.

Because if he is good? All the better for us. If he's lucky? Hell I'll send him a rabbit's foot for each day of the calendar year if that what it takes to keep him lucky...lucky all the way to the bank.

But back to this little brat in the outfield...he clearly reached over the fence to interfere with the ball, yet the umpires reasoned that if the ball had touched the popcorn then it should have been a home run. Which begs the question: What would have happened had Moises Alou had been the left fielder on that play? Would his jumping around and throwing a tantrum have convinced the umpires to reverse their call? Would Alou have even gotten back to the wall? Would Moises have had a Steve Bartman flashback, snapped, and reached over the outfield fence to put this kid in a chokehold, all the while visualizing Bartman? Questions that will never be answered because Moises' knee hurts. Shame.

***

Speaking of shame, here's what else I'm upset about, in this order:

• Game 5. Yeah, that one hurt. But the Sabres once had a 3-2 series lead in a playoffs long long ago after an overtime goal at home. But Games 6 and 7 featured overtime goals to defeat the Sabres and knock them out. The goal scored to win Game 6? Martin Straka.
• Survivor Fiji. Why? Because two of the last three weeks eliminated contestants named Edgardo and Mookie. There are no contestants named Choo Choo, Doc, or Turk left. However, there's hope that lies in Saturday's Kentucky Derby:

Teuflesberg...of course. Spelled wrong, and the number is wrong. But the horse is a 30-1 shot, and he has defeated Hard Spun. Metstradamus says: well worth the money. Tim Teufel faced long odds too, but he invented a wiggle in his batting stance, and the rest is history. So go forth and run hard Teuflesberg...run hard for Timmy.