Gangsta Depreciation

Thank heaven for Gary Cohen, proving that I'm not the only one yodeling in a canyon. Here's what he said on Saturday in not so many words: "Why the $%*& is Fernando Tatis starting at first base for a 66-88 team while Nick Evans is rotting on the bench? Have we gone to the Tony Bernazard school for developing players?"

So he didn't say exactly that, but he started the conversation out loud ... the same conversation rattling in my head between all of my personalities. I've never seen a manager manage like it's spring training from April-August, only to be eliminated in September ... and then manage to win the game. Doesn't it worry you that Snoop Gangstalicious got the vote of confidence from the Wilpons, and still fills out a lineup card as if he's going to lose his job tomorrow? And if that's true, doesn't it also worry you that he truly believes that the man who's going to save his job single-handedly is Fernando Tatis? This is what he's banking on? He might as well go to a roulette table and ask if he could put all his chips on 44 blue.

As you can probably surmise, I could care less that Tatis hit a two-run home run to tie the game. Did it help? No. The Mets still got it handed to them by the Marlins in a game where my psychic abilities came rushing back to me in one fell swoop. Jorge Cantu batting against John Maine and what comes to my head? "Cantu is going to hit it 500 miles." Meanwhile, in the real world, Cantu hits a screaming liner to left to give the Marlins the lead. Close enough. It was then that I left the room thinking "when I walk back in, I'm going to see an "8" next to "FLA". What do I see when I come back? A f*&%ing eight, that's what. Eight for them, three for the Mets. Show me what I've won, Gene!

"Absolutely nothing, Metstradamus!"

I'm never right when it comes to those stupid lottery numbers, am I? Noooooooooooooo! Instead, I have fishes and eights and Fernando Tatis dancing in my head while I'm stuck in this torture chamber of a season for another eight days waiting for Jose Reyes to play a minor league game which doesn't exist. Welcome to my world ... where the circus is in town, the common sense is optional, and it's always Fan Appreciation Day. Speaking of, don't miss Fan Appreciation Day this season as the Mets take on the Nationals on Wednesday ... too bad you have to go to Washington to be appreciated because the Mets don't seem to have a Fan Appreciation Day this season. Instead, check out Fan Depreciation Day.

Oh wait, that's every day for us. I guess that doesn't make is so special, does it ...

How Could C.B. Bucknor Screw The Mets From 604 Miles Away?

All told, the Mets got the short end of the stick on bad umpiring tonight.

I'll explain:

First the Mets got a gift from Gary Darling in the second as he called Josh Anderson out on a play at first when he was clearly safe. Anderson would have scored on Martin Prado's double, but instead Prado was stranded harmlessly to keep the score at 3-0 Atlanta.

The Braves got the break back as Brandon Jones was called safe on a steal of second when he was clearly out in the sixth ... and Jones would then score on a single by Anderson so the Braves got the run they should have gotten in the second. I can't get on Bill Hohn for the botched call ... from where he was standing there's no way he could have seen the tag which was in time. My complaint on the play is this: I was surprised when Ruben Gotay wasn't called for interference for bringing his bat back into Brian Schneider's throwing zone. The bat clearly got in Schneider's way.

But that was borderline, so let's call the previous two plays even ... which means the Mets completely deserved their 4-2 loss tonight (a loss in which Jorge Campillo, let's face it, was lucky to be alive after the Mets hit a bunch of balls right at people ... when Pedro Martinez whacks you for a two run double you have problems. Then again, when Pedro Martinez is your entire offense you have problems.)

The tipping point was in Miami, where C.B. Bucknor, known for such hits as "Runners Interference" and "Obscure Lines In My Rulebook" (available on Ronco Records) completely botched a play at the plate where Jorge Cantu clearly was safe as he slid through Carlos Ruiz's leg on a play at the plate. It was in the eighth inning, and of course Cantu was the tying run. Instead, the Phillies defeat the Marlins 3-2 to jump back into first place.

Umpires 2 Mets 1

But thankfully, and most importantly, the Brewers are chum. So at least if the Mets break our hearts, they'll most likely fall into the mild card, and not the golf course. I'd go further into why it would be a good idea to win the division instead of the mild card ... but of course if the Brewers were to catch the Mets after my detailed analysis then I'd have to live with it the rest of my life, and my life doesn't need that scarlet letter.

The Greatest Game Ever Played (On A Friday Night In The State Of Florida)

Did Friday's incredible win remind you of something?

Did you see a little Lenny Dykstra in Luis Castillo as he started the rally with two outs and nobody on?

Did David Wright remind you a bit of Mookie Wilson when he continued the rally?

Was Carlos Beltran's grand slam part Keith, part Darryl, and part Ray Knight all rolled up into one?

You can be forgiven if you saw Jeremy Hermida and Hanley Ramirez reach base and all of a sudden see Davey Lopes and Bill Doran roaming the bases ... or if Mike Jacobs looked an awful lot like Glenn Davis ... or if Jorge Cantu's long fly ball down the left field line which would have won the game all of a sudden made you see Billy Hatcher jog backwards down to first base before Cantu's ball went foul and you were allowed to breathe again.

You can be forgiven because we've pretty much waited for this kind of thing from the Mets all season long ... October magic in August was that lacking ingredient last season, and Friday it returned in all its spectacular fashion. Of course, it wasn't without its corresponding headaches as Luis Ayala threatened to go Jesse Orosco all over Miami.

I might be reaching with this comparison, but you have to realize one thing from my perspective ... that there was another parallel between October 15th, 1986 and August 29th, 2008: I fell asleep during both games.

Only in '86 I had it timed a little better: I had come home from school dead tired for that 3PM start and tried like hell to stay awake, but after the Astros had taken a 3-0 lead I must have thought that Game 7 was inevitable, and unconsciously became, well ... unconscious. By the time I woke up, I kid you not, Lenny Dykstra was leading off the ninth inning. So you can say I really didn't miss a whole lot.

Friday night, same deal. Wright strikes out with the bases loaded in the seventh and I'm done. I sleep with the TV on so that if something big happens, most likely I'll wake up to it. I must have been extremely dead because from the time Cantu misplayed an easy ground ball in the eighth until Jacobs was up in the ninth, I was dead to the world. Not even a grand slam was enough to shake me out (and Gary Cohen gave it the double "outta here" ... and I still didn't wake up. Whoa.)

In fact, for some reason I had it in my mind that 2-1 became 5-2 because of two runs in the eighth and two runs in the ninth. (Obviously, I had created my own ball game while I was asleep.) But truth, as always, is stranger (and more dramatic) than fiction.

(Editors note: You know what else contributed to that '86 feeling? It was the football markings on the field. They were all over the Astrodome ... and it was those football markings which forced that NLCS to start and end in Houston when the Mets rightfully should have had home field advantage. It's just too bad that more of the home fans didn't show up Friday ... I mean, Maroone Honda sales draw more customers. But hey, more seats for Met fans. Oh well ... maybe they'll show up Saturday. I hear Mike Scott's supposed to pitch.)

Your 2008 N.L. East Preview: Part One

Today, we begin our preview of the National League East by looking at what should constitute the bottom half of the division.

It's easy to dismiss the Florida Marlins as 2008's permanent resident of the N.L. East cellar. After all, their best two players are in Detroit gearing up for a World Series run, while the average age of the Marlins roster is the lowest in the league at 12 (it would have been 7, except for Luis Gonzalez.) But remember that we all had the Nationals as 120 game losers last year (not me ... I had them at a much more reasonable number, although it was still well off). And on paper, the Marlins have a better starting staff coming into '08 than the Nationals had going into '07, with former New Jersey Net Mark Hendrickson (who was once posterized by Michael Jordan), Scott Olsen (who was once posterized by the Miami Police), and super-phenom Andrew Miller leading the way.

The Marlins strength this season might be in the bullpen, where Kevin Gregg was a pleasant surprise as their closer last season after Jorge Julio took another step towards oblivion. The combination of Gregg, Matt Lindstrom (who will continue his assault of the Mets while Jason Vargas is on the shelf for four months), Taylor Tankerseley and Justin Miller had 272 K's in 260 innings pitched. And don't forget Logan Kensing, who was injured for much of '07.

And the Fish will be able to hit some too. They finished a respectable sixth in the N.L. with 790 runs scored, and making their returns will be guys like Hanley Ramirez (who as far as I can fathom, still hates the Mets and everything about them), Dan Uggla, and Josh Willingham. The problem is who's not returning: Miguel Cabrera and his 119 RBI last season. His replacement will be Jorge Cantu, who's going to have to close his eyes really hard and pretend it's 2005 when he drove in 117 runs for the Devil Rays. And as we all know, it's hard to hit a baseball with your eyes closed.

What's going to sink the Marlins to the bottom of the standings is the fact that the top three in their rotation just isn't going to be able to give the bullpen enough quality starts to try and finish off. And the fourth and fifth starters are going to wind up being Rick VandenHurk and Ricky Nolasco. Uh-oh.

While I'm not ready to peg the Marlins for 120 losses, I am ready to buy a housewarming gift for their permanent '08 residence in the cellar. I hear lava lamps are making a comeback.

Marlins: 64-98

***

The Mets this offseason have become the Ronald Reagan of baseball ... supplying weapons to the enemy. Between Paul Lo Duca and Lastings Milledge, the Washington Nationals scare the ever loving life out of me. (Did you know that Milledge already has a fan club in DC?)

Besides motivation, the Nats have all the ingredients for a surprise season. New ballpark. Solid manager. And most importantly, they have one of the budding young superstars in the game in Ryan Zimmerman. The Washington Nationals could contend into September. But there are some questions for me concerning the Nats:

• There are some divergent personalities in that clubhouse ... and as Bobcat Goldthwait once said: "Either this is really going to work or this is really gonna suck." Will they come together and have slumber parties where they break out their fuzzy pajamas, roast marshmallows and sing campfire songs? Can Elijah Dukes, Paul Lo Duca, Dmitri Young, Lastings Milledge, and Ronnie Belliard et al share a clubhouse without driving each other crazy?


• And speaking of Lo Duca, you had Brian Schneider guiding a very patchwork starting pitching staff towards a respectable season in 2007. So what will a change in catchers do? Is Lo Duca's fiery style what guys like Matt Chico, Jason Bergmann, and Tim Redding need to take the next step towards respectability? Or will this pitching staff prove to have a need for Schneider's easy hand and fall apart under Lo Duca?


• How are the Nationals going to turn their extra first baseman (and as of right now it's Dmitri Young) into some parts that will improve the club like, say, starting pitching? And can they even do it? Young hovered close to 300 pounds this spring, and Nick Johnson outplayed him in the spring by a large margin. Can Dmitri even bring back anything in a trade? Or will he just be put on waivers so that the Braves can pick him up?

Nationals: 80-82

***

Speaking of the Braves picking guys up on waivers, I have to be really careful here to not assume that Atlanta snaring Ruben Gotay is going to shift the balance of power in the National League East, or change what I'm about to write. My pessimistic self is tempted to do it, but I'll refrain. Here's why:

I think the Atlanta Braves are overrated.

(Blesses self and makes sure lightning doesn't strike him)

There's no reason to cry and whine about how everybody and their mother is picking the Braves to win the N.L. East this season. It only seems that way. The fact of the matter is that there are are plenty of people out there picking the Mets. But there are an awful lot of pundits that are picking the Atlanta Braves. I understand why ... it's because there are a lot of people who look at the names on the jerseys and want to believe that it's 1995.

And yes, Mark Teixeira is damn good. Anyone who's in his prime and shows an ability to go .300/.400/.500 more than once is deserving of your praise and your awe. And Tim Hudson is back to being a legitimate number one starter. Players like Chipper Jones and John Smoltz have hit those kinds of numbers often. And that's the problem. The Braves are a team that collectively have hit their ceiling. There aren't a lot of guys that are primed to improve by a significant amount, while with all of the old/injury prone guys that the Braves are counting a large amount on, there's potential for disaster. Let me ask you this: If the Mets were headed into this season with the core of their team all over 35 years old, how many people do you think would be picking the Mets to win?

I'll go one step further: If the Mets were headed into this season with a third baseman who has consistently missed a good amount of games in the last four seasons, a pitcher who has missed the last two seasons in full, a 40-year-old pitcher who has had nagging injuries during the spring, and a 42-year-old pitcher last seen giving up seven runs in a third of an inning, how many people do you think would be picking the Mets to win? Certainly not as many as are picking the Braves right now, I'll tell you that.

I think the Braves are a third place team. But put a gun to my head and ask me to predict whether the Braves will break into the top two or the bottom two, then believe it or not I'm guessing lower. Outside of Hudson and Teixeira, the major components to the Braves are old, brittle, or both. And unlike seasons past, Andruw Jones ain't walkin' through that door. (Some might say that these days, Andruw Jones needs margarine to merely fit through the door.)

Braves: 82-80

Part two comin' soon! (Considering the season starts Monday, it would have to come real soon, wouldn't it?)