Maine Beats Cain, Gain But No Pain

It really was a nice try by Aaron Rowand, as he was intent on breaking his face again just to prove a point against the Mets like he did in '06.

But instead of making Aaron Rowand a folk hero again, Thursday's drive to center by a Met (this time Carlos Beltran) tipped harmlessly off of Rowand's glove while Rowand harmlessly bounced off the padded outfield wall, and the fun began for the Mets.

One Jose Reyes dinger and six strong innings by John Maine later, the Mets were finished doing what they were supposed to do and took two out of three from the Giants. (And Rowand left the game with his face intact.)

And now it's on to San Diego, where the quadrant of Josh Banks, Randy Wolf, Cha Seung Baek, and Wil Ledezma awaits for the Padres ... yet they don't seem to strike fear in the heart of Gary Cohen, who basically said that the Mets should cut through this staff like a hot knife through a cheap butter substitute. Well, he didn't say it in so many words ... but those four didn't really seem to strike fear in Gary while he was looking ahead during the broadcast yesterday. But these are exactly the kinds of pitchers who the Mets have been making look like Warren Spahn, Sandy Koufax, Steve Carlton, and Hong-Chih Kuo. So let's tread carefully ... but swing hard.

And don't forget about baseball's draft tomorrow, where the Mets have three picks in the first 33 ... in addition to Memphis Red Sox pitcher Robert Scott, their choice in the special ceremonial Negro League draft to take place beforehand. No word on whether the Mets adhered to baseball's slotting system to make that choice.

The Tin Foil On My Cat Keeps The Aliens Away

It was bad enough when Pat Gillick gave Bobby Abreu to the Yankees for nothing.

It was bad enough when a former Brave sabotaged the Mets playoff hopes on the last day of the season, then coincidentally expresses his desire to take less money to return to the Braves.

But now the dots are beginning to connect. Ed Wade, a former Phillies GM, in one of his first acts as current GM of the Astros, trades Brad Lidge and Eric Bruntlett to the Phillies, his former team, for Michael Bourn, Geoff Geary, and Mike Costanzo.

What, Ed Wade couldn't get Greg Luzinski's BBQ recipe and a pair of Bake McBride's old stirrups in return?

Here's what getting Brad Lidge does for the Phillies: First off, it enables the Phillies to send Brett Myers back to the rotation, strengthening that position for them. Getting Brad Lidge also, well...it gets Brad Lidge for the bullpen. Lidge, last check, still throws 95 mph+.

But here's the worst part, boys and girls: Michael Bourn going the other way in the trade means that the Phillies now have an outfield position open for...Aaron Rowand to come back. Just when we thought there was no way that there would be room for the Phillies to keep a guy who's nothing but heart, soul, guts, and a .300 average, Ed Wade makes room for them by making this ridiculous trade. Now the Phillies get Aaron Rowand back, Brett Myers makes the rotation better, and they get Brad Lidge!!!

Meanwhile, in Flushing, the Mets are re-signing old players and chasing windmills in Alex Rodriguez and Jorge Posada. And you want to tell me there's no conspiracy? Screw that, I'll be off covering my cat in tin foil. Don Quixote...away!

Channeling The Wrong Spirits

Aaron Heilman can't even hold a seance the right way.

In his fervor to channel the spirit of Don Drysdale, instead he has let the aura of Doug Sisk waft through him. (Perhaps he failed to use the "rap once for yes, rap twice for no" system.) And because of which, the Mets dropped the final game of their four game series against Philadelphia, 5-3...with the difference being the two runs Heilman gave away in the seventh. One on a home run to a guy that's 180 lbs. with a piano on his back, and the other one on an Aaron Rowand liner that made Heilman look like Charlie Brown.

I will not kill Mike Pelfrey...by all rights and purposes, it was a hard luck "L" that was hung on him today with David Wright's error being the margin of loss for Pelfrey. I would, however, have hoped that Mike DiFelice would have taught him to be a little more economical with his pitches.

I can't even kill the Mets lineup for not putting the hammer down on a third rookie, this one being Kyle Kendrick...a better brand of rookie than those faced earlier. Although Carlos Beltran could have traveled a lot further towards that cause by not hitting into a double play in the first inning. But Kendrick made pitches when he had to.

Heilman though, does not get off easy this time. Guillermo Mota is struggling, and he had a scoreless inning today. Scott Schoeneweis? Mets fans want his head on a platter. And he pitched a scoreless frame today. Heilman, the meat in that sandwich, was undercooked. The pain is very raw. If you are going to channel a spirit, please let it be someone with more movement on their pitches.

(Editor's note: Doug Sisk is not dead...only his career.)

Mets Win Despite Invisible Sabre Tooth Hamstring Eater

Is there an animal that lives about 80 feet up the first base line that jumps up and bites runners in the hamstring as they go by? And who's equipment bag is this animal stashing himself in?

Jorge Sosa was hustling to beat out a double play on a sacrifice bunt one second, the next second he was writhing in pain on the ground as if he was...well, as if he was Endy Chavez, who got hurt the exact same way in the exact same spot on the field in the exact same hamstring...

...against the exact same team.

Well whaddaya know, another conspiracy we can blame on the Phillies: carnivorous hamstring eating animals.

The Mets organization is saying that it's a strained hamstring, but they also said that Moises Alou just needed a day of rest too before "finding" a tear in his quad. Believe me, if the Mets could get away with calling it a "lower body injury", made famous by Pat Quinn and the Toronto Maple Leafs, they would. Especially since the more severe the injury, the higher the price for Mark Buehrle would probably become. (And maybe higher if wherever Oliver Perez was bitten turns into an issue. Mike Pelfrey, white courtesy phone.)

But the five innings they did get from Sosa were solid enough to get them another victory in Philadelphia, making sure that they will exit the city of brotherly crab fries in better shape than they will have entered it. And there's another rookie pitcher that will be waiting. Today it was J.A. Happ (he prefers that the A. is silent...who knew?) Tomorrow it will be Kyle Kendrick, a higher tiered prospect with a name that sounds like he should be running the Lenox Industrial Tools 300 tomorrow.

Of course, the scarier injury was one that was suffered (kinda) by Jose Reyes, who jammed his right shoulder on a first inning swing and had trainers check on him before and after his single in the frame. But when he scored ahead of Paul Lo Duca's first inning home run and he commenced with the handshake, we knew he was fine. Reyes then was seen smiling and laughing in the dugout before hitting the field in the bottom of the frame, while at the same time Tim McCarver was telling us that he wasn't sure if Reyes would be on the field when that inning came.

See with your eyes, Tim. See with your eyes.

And me thinks that Carlos Beltran is back, with four home runs (and if you remember his first at bat from Friday's nightcap, almost five home runs) in two games. The last home run almost saw Aaron Rowand climb the fence and make what would have been one of the most spectacular catches in the history of spectacular catches. It was in his glove. But in line with the way things are going for the Mets this weekend, the ball squirted out, and all remains well in the world of Carlos Beltran and the Mets.

But you know how I know things are going right with the Mets? Scott Schoeneweis pitched a scoreless inning. Will wonders ever cease?

Phil Leotardo and Terry Pendleton: A Bond Shared In The Depths Of Hell

I know how The Sopranos is going to end!

Before the New Jersey crew can be whacked by the New York crew, the Philadelphia crew comes out of nowhere and whacks the New York crew!

Oh wait, that already happened!

I don't think you're giving enough credit to Philly (certainly the Met broadcasters were). They did it all...starters, bullpen, clutch hitting, defense. They really made a statement in this series. -Benny Agbayani

Yeah, they made a statement all right: "Go f**k yourselves, New York!"

(Let's assume that's the real Benny Agbayani...because it's more fun that way. Besides, my wife always liked him.)

All right Benny, here's the credit I'll give the Phillies: Chase Utley is a hell of a ball player. He plays the game the right way and he's a legitimate major league baseball superstar. Yeah, he's a Met killer, but not in the "I'm Pat Burrell and I'm a lifetime Met killer but against the rest of baseball I couldn't hit the broadside of a glacier" Met killer kind of way, but he's a Met killer in the sense that he's an equal opportunity assassin.

Jimmy Rollins? Yeah, he pissed off a lot of Met fans including myself. But let's face it, we've got a complex about not getting the respect we so richly deserve in this city. So when Jimmy Rollins made that "best team on paper" remark, we didn't exactly take it in stride. But Jimmy Rollins never said anything bad about us...no matter if he thinks these things or not. And why should he care what we think? He's a damn good ballplayer too.

Cole Hamels? Damn good.

Ryan Howard? Even though we're not seeing it this season so far, he's also a mighty fine ballplayer.

And if you offered me multiple Aaron Rowands I'd take them (as long as I could still have Jose Reyes and David Wright and both Carloses and Paul Lo Duca...so I'd really only need two or three.)

So now here's what pisses me off about the Phillies...

Who is Yoel Hernandez and why can't the Mets hit him?

Mike Zagurski? Are you kidding me? I know the Mets are down to their fifth, sixth, and ninth outfielders, but Mike Zagurski??? Guy looks like Terry Forster on an Atkins diet.

Antonio Alfonseca? Three saves out of three chances? He replaced Brett Myers as the closer because Brett Myers...you know I mind as well tell you the truth: Antonio Alfonseca ate Brett Myers (before picking the remnants from his teeth with both of his extra fingers).

Oh don't get me started on Pat Burrell...

"It's one of those things...I can't explain." -Pat Burrell

Yuk yuk, oh shucks...I don't know? Which way did he go George?

Jeez, now watch him torch the Royals pitching staff for a big fat 0 for 14, can he explain that?

I can't get on Country Time. He's been money for the Mets all season, and it really, really, sucks that this was his hiccup. I mean, what a way to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the Terry Pendleton home run...by reaching back through time and shaking hands with Roger McDowell. (Ironic that on the Yahoo! front page, the lead story has to do with how Billy Wagner gives the Mets an edge over the Tigers and their struggling bullpen this weekend...meanwhile the Mets lost three games because of their bullpen, and the Tigers won tonight. That's just what I want to see...greeeeeeeat!!!)

And I can't even get on Scott Schoeneweis. Normally, I would...you know me. But damn, how insensitive would I be if I railed on a guy who, it was just revealed, has been pitching with a severed tendon in his leg? Severed!!! I can't do it. Can't! He's going out there pitching in complete pain and there's nothing he can do about it. You can talk about the contract all you want and how he's not living up to it. But he's trying to work through it through pain. And it's not like the pain that two weeks rest is going to help (or not, if you're Moises Alou...would it help if he peed on his quad? Hey, I'm just asking). It's the kind of pain that just has to be negotiated and worked through. His stats suck, but the guy's got a little warrior in him...I gotta give him that.

But I'm still peeved at Aaron Heilman.

Don't tell me I have no right.

And I'm peeved that on a night where the Mets hit three dingers in a row, they turn around and let them recover from it...while the Mets can't recover from any big hits that the Phillies get...especially against the Phillies bullpen. It's awful. And if the Mets can't hit it, they're awful too...at least they're awful right now. But it can't last, can it? Jose Valentin is back, albeit with a brace (and no mustache...don't mess with the karma gods, Jose...remember what happened when Keith Hernandez shaved his mustache in '87...damn these 1987 parallels)...and Shawn Green is coming back on Sunday. Lastings Milledge is even out of his boot. The troops are coming back...it's going to get better, right?

Terry Pendleton, please get out of my life...please?

Damn These Braves And Their Sunday Uniforms

Yeah, the crack staff couldn't come up with a more original title for you today. We all know that it isn't the Sunday uniforms, heck we've already lost to the Braves in their Monday-Saturday uniforms. But one would hope that if the Braves were to lose often enough in these things that look like Luden's Cherry cough drops, that they would stop wearing these loud things and burn the retinas of the entire city of Atlanta.

Ah, but these Braves fans wear rose colored glasses to lessen the effects of these stop sign uniforms, and unfortunately they enjoyed what they saw today, which was a 3-2 Mets loss at the Ted.

Deep down we knew. We knew that it wasn't going to be as easy as coming in to Atlanta, winning three straight, eating their food, dancing with their wives, and having Braves fans turn in their Sunday red jerseys and follow Jose Reyes to the home opener in New York like rats following the pied piper. Sure we were hoping for that. But deep down, with the changes that the Braves made to their bullpen (and the changes that were made to ours that were out of the Mets' control), that it wasn't going to be easy.

And we knew that the breakneck pace of the Mets offense couldn't last forever. After all, Jose Reyes can only do so much, finding a way to get on third base seemingly every trip to the plate. Somebody is going to have to drive him in. On Sunday, the Mets couldn't do it. Hence, two runs and no more. The Braves were one run better because Aaron Heilman couldn't find a way to get Jeff Francoeur, who's been known to swing at flying peanuts in the stands, out.

The Mets are in the midst of nine games which were labeled as tough. They're 4 up and 2 down so far. And guess who makes their way to Shea for the final three "tough games"? Yes, that would be the Philadelphia Phillies who, according to John Kruk, Steve Phillips, and Kevin Kennedy, are God's team. (Yes gentlemen, I'm like Evil Claus this season...I'm keeping track of who's naughty and who's nice.) The Phillies are 1-5, and are a Nationals team away from holding up the division. And that brings me to an e-mail I received from a fan who was touched by crime, and is making a connection to the Phillies:

"As a soothsayer and a talented hater, you are probably used to people coming to you with personal problems. Confident in this, I decided to let you know that my sister's car was recently stolen in downtown Philadelphia. Am I correct that this can and should be directed into hatred for the Phillies? Is it appropriate for me to encourage her to picture Chase Utley with a slim jim down her driver's side window? Cole Hamels piling into the passenger's seat for a joyride? Shane Victorino in the back, trying to talk Utley into doing burnouts in front of cops?" -B.K.

You're more correct than you know, B.K. As I was going through my Cold Case starter kit the other day, I came across a surveillance photo that was forwarded to me from one of my many moles. Turns out you're sister's car was stolen by members of the Phillies, but not who you might think. How do you think Aaron Rowand earned a living while he was out with his broken face?

As you can plainly see, Rowand is armed and dangerous with his sidekick Pat Burrell, as he does on most sliders on the inner half of the strike zone, acting as the lookout. Even with this evidence, your sister is going to have a hard time getting the charges to stick in the city of Philadelphia.

They're telling us that parking is going to be scarce at Shea Stadium for Monday's home opener. But what they're not telling you is the danger of having various members of the Phillies scour the parking lot looking for cars to jack. So remember that if you absolutely cannot take mass transit to Shea and must drive, use The Club as it is always the best deterrent to car theft by Aaron Rowand.

Happy Opening Day, y'all.