Monday, October 26, 2009

Satan's Series

At midnight on Monday, October 26th, the New York Yankees won the 2009 American League pennant, completing a World Series matchup with the Philadelphia Phillies.

Also at midnight on Monday, October 26th, the movie Armageddon was starting on my cable system.

How fitting.

The movie had a happy ending. But this, my friends, is Baseball Armageddon. There is no happy ending. Satan has been unleashed. The minions have arrived on earth. The Mayan calendar has ended little more than three years earlier than expected. The world will never be the same. And the next two weeks are going to be the worst two weeks on earth.

In one respect, this awful season couldn't have ended any other way. The good news is that now, there really is no possible season that could possibly be any worse than this. (At least 1993 saw Toronto in the fall classic to defeat the Phillies.)

But in another respect, we have a final battle where there can be no winners. Only pain and anguish. I'm here, fellow Met fans, to quell that pain and anguish ... because you're unknowingly inflicting it on yourselves.

About a week ago, I set out on a quest to win a Nobel Peace Prize. Unfortunately, my original plan to bring the sabermetricians and the scouts together in harmony was put to rest when I was informed that they were no longer at war. But undeterred, I still seek this honor. Because this, this is a much more noble (Nobel?) crusade.

Anyone over the age of 40 will surely remember, and those under that age surely read about it in their history books, but in 1980 Jimmy Carter pulled the United States Olympians out of the Moscow games because of the Soviet Union's invasion of Afghanistan. The athletes didn't like it. But it was for their own good. Friends, consider me your Jimmy Carter. (Carter, it should be noted, is a past winner of the Nobel Prize for Peace.) Though I realize that I'm not the boss of you, I'm making a decision on behalf of all of you that you may not like, but please trust me when I tell you that it's for your own good, and the good of the planet.

I'm boycotting the 2009 World Series, and pulling all Met fans around the world out of it. You may not like it, but it's for your own good.

For those of you who have made that decision already, good for you. You're doing a service to your community. But I see way too many of you on the internets feel that you have to choose a side. Maybe it's because it's the World Series, or because you don't want to have baseball on somewhere on your dial and not be watching it, and choosing a side will help you be able to watch the games. Let me tell you that no good can come of either outcome.

I'm all for hatred of the Phillies, but rooting for the Yankees is not the answer. Do you really want to have your Yankee fan friends to be all nice to you and tell you that "hey, you've gotta root for New York" (sorry, I hate that) only to then come up to you all winter and tell you that "Hey, we took care of the team that you couldn't ... you're welcome!" in that slimy, smarmy, Yankee voice? Do you want that condescending pat on the back from those people welcoming you to the dark side? You want to be on the same side as these people for the next 4-7 games? When they go back to laughing at you the rest of the winter, and when John Sterling provides the soundtrack to your winter, you're going to be sorry you rooted for them.

Conversely, Yankee hatred is a staple of society. But siding with the Phillies is also not the answer. I understand staying along league lines. But do you want to be on the same side of any argument with Brett Myers? Shane Victorino? Jimmy Rollins??? JIMMY ROLLINS??!?!? The same guy who's insecurities led him to bring up the Mets during their World Series parade? Really??!? When Phillie fans go back to pouring beer on your head and knocking you out with one punch in Citi Field, while Comcast Philly or My Philly 17 puts it on television (yes, this happened), and when the Phils clinch the series in New York and take the World Series trophy for a spin around the Citi Field parking lot that you once knew as your beloved Shea Stadium before heading to the airport, you're going to be sorry you rooted for them.

You get the point, right? Rooting for either one of these teams is like getting into bed with the head cheerleader for a night, only to have her tell the entire school about your shortcomings in bed. Is this what you want??? All winter??!?!? Have some self respect.

But worse than that, do you really want Mets fans fighting with other Mets fans about why rooting for one over the other is more palatable? Maybe these kind of arguments wouldn't happen too much in bars across New York ... and maybe only one of these drunken discussions between Met fans would result in a bar fight. But my friends, that would be one bar fight too many. The few friendships between Met fans that would end because one of them rooted for the Yankees would be one friendship too many. Don't let yourselves be driven apart by taking sides in this mess. Let the Yankee fans and the Phillie fans be the ones to throw hands with each other. Let's not eat our own young, or commit Met on Met crime. You're playing right into Satan's hands. This is what he wants. This is why he's here with his minions.

That's why my solution, my message of peace, is your only chance at a dignified existence over the grueling days and weeks to come. Trust me, it's not worth it. You want to make a statement, turn your backs. Walk away. Have dinner with your families. Watch Armageddon on your local cable system ... it's on, like, all the time! And it has a happy ending even though Bruce Willis dies. (C'mon, like you didn't know.) Read Ron Darling's book, or Greg Prince's Faith and Fear in Flushing. Buy a box set of Gilmore Girls. Anything! You have the power to reject Satan, and stop the inevitability of doom for yourselves. You have the power.

And if your curiosity takes over and you must know what is happening between the minions of Satan, get the scores through telegraph or Pony Express (they still exist, right?) And if you must use the television, at least have the decency of turning on the Spanish version on WWOR so that Joe Buck doesn't cause your ears to bleed. And for heaven's sake boo ... everything. Every play, every strikeout, every hit, home run, and balk ... regardless on who's on which side of the play. Boo.

But you can't take sides. It's for the good of humanity. Please, heed my message of peace and freedom. Oh sure, some might twist that around and say "well, you're taking away our freedom to pick a side." But what I'm saying is this: free yourself from the tyranny that you have to take a side to watch this World Series. Friends, follow me. Follow me to freedom. To Switzerland. To a brief respite of happiness before you have to deal with the Metropolitan signings of Jason Marquis and Hideki Matsui to keep Oliver Perez company on the disabled list. Help me fight evil.

The fate of the world is in your hands.


MetFanMac said...


James Allen said...

Well, on the upside Steve Phillips was fired. No truth to the rumor that he is wandering the streets of Bristol with a sign that says, "Will do fake press conferences for food."

Anonymous said...

And in other news Tony LaRussa just brought Mark McGwire on as a coach. Who wants to bet that certain scrubs will suddenly have career years on the Cardinals next year (See: Jeff Weaver and Jeff Suppan)?

And an excellent suggestion here! Too bad my other viewing options will wind up being the Knicks and the Jets (who are on the verge of once again raising my expectations before mercilessly crushing them).

Another thing about the Phillies - should they win they and their fans will turn into the baseball version of the New England Patriots.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant. Just brilliant. And true. I won't be watching a single pitch either.


(Though gun to my head I'd rather see the Phillies win if only so that we don't have to see a Yankee parade on our local news or deal with happy Yankee fans on the trains and whatnot. At least the Phillies are 100 miles away. Then again, it's like asking if you'd rather get shot on the left or right side of the head. Either way, you're screwed).

Schneck said...

I am so with you on this. Unfortunately, my wife is a Yankee fan and her evil influence got to one of my sons so I can't avoid having the Satan Series on somewhere in my house. Last night we had two "parties" going in my home. The Yankee game on one TV and the Giants on the other. The kids had to choose which "party" to attend. Unfortunately, both parties sucked in the end. All of that aside, I will be nowhere near any TVs that are showing these evil games. In fact, I'm think about creating the Ultimate Met Fans 2009 Season Box Set which consists of every game that the Yankees and Phillies lost from the first pitch to the last. While others watch the two teams battle it out, I can watch both teams lose repeatedly. It's a small thing but it may help. On another note, no joke, the movie "Drag Me to Hell" arrived this weekend from NetFlix and I started watching it this morning. A very appropriate choice. Lastly, when I shared my story about dating the cheerleader, that was not supposed to be for public consumption.

Mets Guy in Michigan said...

Perfect! And is it a coincidence that this debacle takes place the week of Halloween?

Demitri said...

Oh man - you got me. Unfortunately, Philadelphia is 26 miles down I 95 for me, and I was ready to go with the lesser of two evils (in my mind anyway).

I will also need to boycott all local media from my NBC10 (not such a bad loss) and my Philly Inquirer (that will be a tough one).

Then you had so go all Carter on us and not the one that wore #8. This is a fabulous rallying call. Take to the hills, with your Gilmore Girls box sets. I'll be riding the train next week with my Mets hat on and my iPod noise canceling earbuds in.

To Switzerland my friends!

Unser said...

You're right - nothing good can come of this. And you know what the worst part is? We have nothing to say. Nothing. We can't even resort to "Yeah, but we're a young, up-and-coming team. Watch out next year and the year after that" as we could in several prior years. Nor can we complain about the big spending Yankees. We got nada, and we're going to just have to sit there and take it from Yankee and Philly fans for a long time.

I was thinking this morning: when was the last time the Mets stuck it to a division rival, or even a non-divisional rival? Answer: 1969, to the Cubs. There was really no pennant race in '86,'88 or '06. '73 was a mixed up jumble. And '99 and '00 were wild card wins. Instead, we've gotten our heads handed to us over extended periods of time from the Cardinals, the Braves, the Yankees and, now, the Phillies.

P.S - I read Darling's book. Eh - I was disappointed. Really did nothing for me, except bring back a few lost memories from 1983. I was expecting much more from a Yalie.

Amy said...

I was rooting for the Angels, that's too bad they lost. Go Phillies!!

Jimmy T said...


If a tree falls in a forest 100 miles away, just because you didn't hear it, it does make a sound. I know because I have to listen to that sound. While I still wear my Met blue and cubicle is just a couple items short of a Mets clubhouse shop I have to stare at 3 pennants that are hung on a hallway on my way to my desk. I CAN NOT handle one more! THIS SUCKS!

James Allen said...

I will watch the World Series. It's what I do. It's what I've always done. As far as who wins? Well, I really have no control, so "rooting" per se is kinda beside the point. It sucks being a Met fan in general at this point, and this WS isn't really going to make it all that much worse. I've been wearing my Met hat all season, so I don't think the post-series comments are going to get any more "witty" than the people saying them think they were back in August.

The only saving grace is going into a bar for a couple beers, and another guy in the bar, who is also a Met fan, comes up and talks to me, and he knows my pain. Really, I've made more Met fan friends when they suck than when they are good. Strange. It is, of course, impossible for Yankee fans to become friends this way, because there are so many bandwagon jumpers. This is not a knock on all Yankee fans, because I can talk to and respect the real Yankee fans, you know, the ones who are glad for what they have and don't feel the need to lord it over everyone. They're out there, I swear, but you have to find them.

Hazeleyes said...

What World Series?

"LA LA LA LA LA LA" (fingers in ears, eyes closed) "I can't hear you! I can't see you! LALALALALALALA So it can't be happening!

Demitri said...

OK folks, if this one doesn't make me root for the Yankees, nothing will.

I was at my urologist appt, and right after I give my urine sample, I am led to the exam room. While I'm waiting, I notice an MVP 80 - 08 plaque - signed by Mike Schmidt and Cole Hamels. I get to stare at this for 45 minutes until the Dr came in and gave me a prostate exam.

Its going to be really hard to be Switzerland, but I will certainly try.

Germany said...

Met fans are gluttons for punishment. I bet that this series will be watched by Met fans more than any other. You know you can't take your eyes off this one....your hatred of the teams draws you to it like flies. Its sort of like American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, or some goofy reality show that you bemoan but you secretly watch it anyway. Your masochistic tendencies will cause you not to miss a pitch. Metstra - I'm not buying it. If I read the "cookies" on your tv set, you probably watched more of the Phillies and the Yankees than anything else over the past couple of weeks. They've had some really riveting series. Its just interesting and good baseball. If the Mets were in, I would watch just as much...perhaps moreso.

Escaping or boycotting this is just a bunch of crap. Look how long "freedom fries" lasted. Enjoy the will be watching.

Metstradamus said...

"If I read the "cookies" on your tv set, you probably watched more of the Phillies and the Yankees than anything else over the past couple of weeks."

I'm not going to deny that. But you forget one thing: When the Yankees and Phillies were playing other teams, there were ... other teams to root for. Now that they're facing each other, there's no "greater good". So that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I get when Jimmy Rollins is batting against Jonathon Broxton, or when another Angel infielder is trying to make an impossible whirling dervish play he has no business making, it'll be gone. Because it doesn't matter who comes out ahead ... only that someone comes out ahead.

And believe me, I know we're gluttons for punishment. But it's time to break the cycle. No more. There will be enough punishment next season when Snoop throws another player under the bus, thus forcing a trade for Livan Hernandez. No need to flock to the light on this one. No need to watch what is either going to amount to be a nine day Yankeeography, or a six day Ryan Howard Subway commercial.

Germany is mocking a message of peace ... when in history has that happened before? Freedom Fries for everyone!!! ;)

Jill said...

At my house, we were toying with the idea of rooting for the Yankees because rooting for the Phillies is unthinkable. But all it takes is one play of John Sterling screaming "Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh Yankees win!" -- as if it isn't a foregone conclusion -- and we're all for suffering through Eli standing there with the football and no one to throw to and asking "Dude...where's my team?" and that cute Sanchez guy on the Jets instead.

Schneck said...

Freedom fries were just plain stupid though maybe we should change Francoeur's name to 'Freedomie.' Boycotting a game, where you do not want either team to win because you have a deep seated hatred for both of them is not only not stupid, it is a good step toward better mental health. Also, I can't submit my TV cookies but I have not watched a reality show since they canceled "The (non celebrity) Mole."

!JustDance said...

I don't understand something. How is that no one has suggested watching the series but rooting for injury? I mean, say the Yankees won in 5 but CC and A Rod got injured in the last game and had to miss 4 months of next season? Or the Phillies won but lost Victorino to a tragic pineapple mishap? Would you root for the team then, if it meant injury?

Injury is always something to root for when your team is out.

Go Rangers

Doug Sisk said...

I was already trying to drum up support for a boycott. Agreed. Not a pitch will be seen.

Metstradamus said...

Just Dance,

Because with my luck, if I rooted for the meteor to hit Shane Victorino in the second inning of Game 2, it would deflect off the Yankee Stadium facade and destroy Johan Santana's house while he's hosting dinner with Frankie Rodriguez, Carlos Beltran, David Wright, Jose Reyes, Bobby Valentine, Tom Seaver, Mr. Met, and Heidi Klum.

Jesus Melendez said...

23 years ago, the Mets beat the Red Sox and captured the World Championship. Two nights before (October 25), Bill Buckner allowed a routine grounder to slip under his mitt.

Where is that ball now?

I interviewed the ball's owner and thought you might find it of interest. I'd love a link or re-post.

Josh said...

Metstra: did you tell the NY Times they could publish your real name?!?

Metstradamus said...

They're the New York Times ... they can do what they want ;)

Krup said...

Things I'd Rather Do Than Watch This World Series:

!JustDance said...

Anyone but Heidi.

If it meant sacrificing Mr. Met, I would go ahead and allow the meteor to attack the flyin hawaiin chicken (mmmmmm chicken)