Sunday, March 15, 2009

Nieve Colossus

I can't explain the latest Mets signing other than to say that this must be the new inscription outside the new park:

Not like the brazen Giants of Manhattan fame,
With conquering pitchers astride from land to land;
Here at our rusted, Citi Field gates shall stand
A mighty pitcher with a torch, whose flame
Was the imprisoned lightning, and his name:
Bill Pulsipher. From his beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; his mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that Big Bird frame.
"Keep ancient legends, your storied batters!" cries he
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your failed drafts.
Send these, the journeyman, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Ladies and gentlemen I present to you your tired ... your poor: Fernando Nieve. When translated, "Fernando Nieve" in English means "Aaron Heilman". Don't believe me? He comes described as such:
"Nieve is considered an Aaron Heilman level disappointment, the once top Astros prospect was placed on irrevocable waivers."
So let me see if I got this right. The Mets rid themselves of Aaron Heilman, and get themselves a disappointment on the level of Aaron Heilman. Because really, what are the Mets without a reliever you can boo?

It's like Felix without Oscar.

It's like peanut butter without chocolate.

It's like Ellis Valentine without a helmet bar.

Bret Saberhagen without bleach.

Guillermo Mota without a 2-0 count.

You get the idea. But don't you find it funny that a team like the Marlins cut a guy after a game where he hits a home run, yet the Mets sign a guy who has produced ten years of evidence as to why he's not fit to pitch in the majors to replace a guy who gave up the home run to the guy that was cut?

But Nieve throws hard. Oooh, exciting. I recall Jorge Julio throwing a baseball at high speeds too. The dents in the back of the Shea Stadium bullpen were proof of that. But now we have a new stadium, with new hopes and dreams. And soon, new dents in the outfield wall, courtesy of Fernando Nieve.

I'll be the one lifting my lamp beside the golden door.

8 comments:

MetFanMac said...

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Metdog said...

LOL...what difference does it make? Do you really think this guy will be on the major league roster?

Anonymous said...

FIRE OMAR!!

Adenzeno@yahoo.com

Anonymous said...

CAPSLOCK=DISABILITY ACCOMODATION

A CLAIM IS NOT A ROSTER SPOT OR AN MLB CONTRACT EVEN, IF SIGNED TO A MILB DEAL, WHICH I EXPECT, HE'S AN 'OPTION' AVAILABLE IN BUFFALO. PERHAPS SEEN AS MORE BURGOS REPLACEMENT THAN HEILMAN CLONE. TRY TAKING DEEPER BREADTHS BEFORE OPINING. 12K IN 10.2 IP ISN'T A BAD OPTION. WHERE WOULD WE HAVE BEEN WITHOUT STOKES OFF THE HEAP LAST YR? CERTAINLY A BAD CLUBS FAILED SOLUTION CAN BE A GOOD CLUB'S BREAK GLASS OPTION.

Metstradamus said...

Oh, a Burgos replacement.

That makes me feel a lot better.

Excuse me while I ingest harmful chemicals.

Schneck said...

Near the peak of Mt. Ararat sits a man, cross legged and in deep concentration. His hands are crossed as well but ten fingers are raised, 5 to the north and 5 to the south. He appears to be chanting the number ten, over and over. On the other side of the Earth, three men simultaneously shuffle in their respective beds as a thought enters each one's deepest thoughts...ten, ten, ten. The next day, at Met headquarters, Omar Minaya, Fred Wilpon, and son Jeff, meet about potential roster moves. As they look at the available players they come across the name Fernando Nieve. As had happened at other recent meetings when they considered Tim Redding, Casey Fossum, and Elmer Dessens they all said in perfect unison, "We can fix him in ten minutes." Back on the other side of the globe, maniacal laughter echoed down through the peaks and valleys of Mt. Ararat. The evil genius had struck again.

Edmund said...

Calm down, man. It's not like they signed him to a Luis Castillo-esque contract. This seems like a low-risk move.

Brian said...

Haha, I really appreciated the Guillermo Mota reference.

What? He did steroids and won't be available for 50 games? Meh, sign him.