Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Hell's Gall

As promised, my most excellent All-Star game analysis:

Thanks a lot Trevor Hoffman, you numbnuts!!!

The Mets go and score both runs for you, the N.L. pitching staff bring some respectability back to your league, and you pull an Armando? Didn't you hear Trevor: This time it counts! THIS TIME IT COUNTS!!!

And since the Mets are going to win the division and probably will have the best record in the National League, IT REALLY COUNTED THIS TIME!!!

Damn you to hell, and take your bells with you...you numbnut west coast San Diego Chicken!

Don't take this as sour grapes folks, I've always thought that this All-Star format which awards the winning team home field advantage in the Series is about as good an idea as introducing my younger sister to a Duke lacrosse player. And I would have said the same thing today if the Mets...er, the National League had won this exhibition.

Because the Mets really tried their best to take matters into their own hands. The N.L. pitchers were outstanding up until two outs in the ninth, but both runs were produced by Mets...so there was no depending on say, the Colorado Rockies or the Chicago Cubs to secure the Mets possible home field advantage...and dare I say this was the best showing by the organization overall in an All-Star game (concurring with the most excellent analysis by Mr. Murray.)

But here comes Trevor Hoffman and his bells from hell, and all of a sudden it was all over. And this is will be the only blown save that could potentially hurt the Mets that you can't trace back to Billy Wagner. If Wagner was voted in rather than Nomar Garciaparra, who should have been picked by Phil Garner in the first place, than I can deal with it because then it's on the Mets. Instead, in the one year that "this time it counts", the Mets had to depend on Trevor Hoffman.

Brian Johnson is so embarrassed, he thinks that Hoffman should enter games to "Afternoon Delight" by Starlight Vocal Band.

So here's a special hate list for you fine folks:

I hate Trevor Hoffman.

I hate the All-Star game and its stupid format.

I hate Ozzie Guillen. Why? Because he told his players that he was going to manage this like a Game 7, then tells Joe Buck that he only has two signs.

I hate FOX and their repeated attempts to ruin baseball coverage with their stupid openings, their stupid children song renditions of Vladimir Guerrero's swing, their sponsored trivia questions designed to confuse us all which call first time All-Stars "fresh faces" because it's sponsored by Subway, their pre-game contests which get lamer and lamer every season, and Jeanne Zelasko. I'm convinced that they were also responsible for Carrie Underwood's dress (although her rendition of the Star Spangled Banner was the best I've heard at a nationally televised baseball games in years due to its simplicity and refusal to be caught in the tide of vocal acrobatics).

But more disconcerting than the fact that we're probably stuck with Zelasko and co. for seven more seasons, is that we're also stuck with TBS for the same time period for first round playoff games. I mean, could we really be relegated to Skip Caray for important baseball games? Bud Selig isn't that stupid, right?

I'm depending on the brilliance of Bud Selig? Has it come to that?

***

Oh yeah, and I also hate Darth Marc, as you know. But unfortunately, I lost a little bet that I had with him...and being the upstanding citizen that I am, it's time to face the music and pay up. So your favorite Yankee blogger has the next 24 hours to post whatever he wants here.

Seeing how I probably have a keener insight into the mind of Darthy than most (trust me, I'm not bragging on that fact), here's a sampling of what to expect from him over the next 24 hours:
  • Filibustering: When he has unlimited time, he goes on forever. He'll be under a time limit, so don't expect him to be brief. Bring a meal or two, and don't expect a Dolly Madison rest stop between you and his point.
  • Pop Culture: Expect at least one reference each to politics, Broadway showtunes, World War II, the Geneva convention, 1940's Kung Fu movies, and chick flicks. He'll never cease to remind us that he reads books. But he'll spell everything wrong.
  • He'll bring up 2000.
  • He'll bring up all the rings his team won before he was born but somehow try to convince us he was responsible.
  • He'll attack the freedoms that you enjoy, he'll attack your way of life, he'll even take personal shots at you and your families. Because as he says: "If you don't want to get your feelings hurt than it's in your best interest to keep the discussion civil." Which, in the insecurities of Darth Marc's mind translates to: "If you don't want to get your feelings hurt, then it's in your best interest to agree with me, because I'm bigger than you and I will respond to your defense of your team by making a comment regarding your livelihood...and I can do that because I will use my size to intimidate you when I run out of points, which might take the better part of your day because I will make references to events from thousands of years ago to make my point.
  • He'll bring up 2000 again.
  • He'll bring up the Kazmir trade.

But fear not all, because you're Met fans...tougher and thicker skinned than the average lot. There's nothing he can tell you about your baseball team that you don't already know. And he won't tell you anything about his baseball team that you'll particularly care about. And I know that the diverse talents of this readership will come up with an appropriate response which will be above the level of "Go to hell Darth".

Or maybe you aren't going to respond. Maybe you'll collectively show him how you feel by choosing to turn your back on him. Remember, silence can also speak volumes.

But whatever you do, remember that you have the final say...as you always do even in regards to me. And no matter what he's got for us we'll still be standing here screaming "F-the Yankee World".

So here you go Darth: reap the benefits of your victory. And tell these people something they don't already know.

12 comments:

Kyle in Newport News said...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SKIP CARAYYYYYYYYYYYYY MAKE IT STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP.

I'll be breaking out the TV/radio combo again, and hoping the delay isn't too bad.

j m said...

Welcome back, MD. MetLand just hasn't been the same without you.

Meanwhile, I don't know who I hate worse, FOX or Hoffman. Ok...it's FOX. And it's not close. What I feel for them is more than hate and it belongs on something bigger than a list.

Right...here's J M's Revulsion Record for now until the end of eternity:

FOX
FOX
FOX
FOX
FOX

Thank you.

Metstradamus said...

JM, I agree 200%. Hoffman is a one time top spot hate-lister. FOX deserves a longer lasting, special kind of hate.

Toasty Joe said...

Hell's Gall - good one. I used Hell's Smells. I posted about this today - it seems the Mets are just snakebit when it comes to closers - even when the closer in question isn't even on the Mets. Remarkable.

Ed in Westchester said...

I fear I will need the firewall you had on your trip for Darthy's posts. I have no doubt that it will be objectionable.

As for what to expect, you left out that Met fans don't sell out Shea unless the Yanks are the opponent (patently false) and that we made bad generalizations about Yankee fans (no, they are accurate, most Yankee fans are bandwagon jumpers.)

Should be interesting

Metstradamus said...

Ed, Did I have a firewall during my trip?

Ed in Westchester said...

You referred to being blocked at an internet cafe due to "objectionable content". I am far from a techie, but I took the leap and thought it was a firewall. If not, my bad.

Metstradamus said...

Oh...I thought you meant that one of you guys couldn't get on, and that didn't make any sense. You meant the firewall that blocked ME. I get it now.

See what happens when you're on vacation and you lose brain cells?

Ed in Westchester said...

The best part about Hoffman was his comments after the game about the Mets.
There are 3 months left, it's not over type of BS.
Hey Trevor, worrry about your own team. And about why you throw 84 MPH changeups with a game on the line to a good hitter.
Schmuck.

Ed in Westchester said...

My apologies on the firewall thing. I should have been clearer.

Chip Wesley said...

Well thanks to ESPN and FOX's constant drooling over him for the last two days I now find myself having a man-crush on David Wright.

Anonymous said...

from newsday:

"I'm proud of the fact that I didn't beat myself," Hoffman said. "I got them to put the ball in play."

i am speechless. i have no speech.