Thursday, July 13, 2006

Before I forget....

A shoutout to fellow Yankee blogger Paul Katcher...who has a pretty funny article on ESPN Page 2 on what your jersey says about you.

It's a play off a funny very post of his from awhile back.

For you infidels who are looking for some civilization in your lives....here are some Cole Hamels facts....

Cole is 100 feet tall.
Sal Fasano is afraid of Cole Hamels.
Hamels is a sure thing. Only some sort of freak injury or something could keep him from saving the franchise. And we know that will never happen.
Cole K's men by the hundreds. And if HE were in the MAJORS (read: when he's in the majors), he'd consume the METS with fireballs from his eyes,
and bolts of lightning from his arse.
Cole Hamels outpitched Steve Carlton before he was even born.
Pedro Martinez keeps a picture of Cole Hamels under his hat for inspiration.
If Cole Hamels wanted to he could steal your girl and, because he's so great, you'd want to watch him take care of business with her. He wouldn't do such things though, because he's Cole Hamels.
Jack Bauer calls Cole Hamels for advice.
Cole Hamels is the only person Barbara Bush fears.
Fear itself is afraid of Cole Hamels.
For Halloween, Chuck Norris went as Cole Hamels.
When kids go to bed they wear Superman pajamas; when Superman goes to bed he wears a Cole Hamels jersey.
The chief export of Cole Hamels is K's.
When Cole Hamels passes "Go", he collects $400.
Cole Hamels punches people so hard he breaks his own hand.
Cole is so handsome that he dates a Playboy cover girl.
Cole's poop is used as currency in Clearwater.
Not only does Cole watch movies with Gladiators, he stars in them.
One time Cole Hamels spent 40 days in the desert. To survive, he ate whole camels.
Cole Hamels' picture is on every crisp 100 dollar bill.
Cole has never had a date, because everyone strikesout with him.
Santa Claus asks for Cole in his stockings.
Cole Hamels once pegged a batter so hard that the batter's twin brother died. He then ate their corpses, pooped them out and struck that out too.
Cole Hamels can understand every word joboggi writes.
God says "Cole Hamels darn it!".
My wife yells out Cole Hamels' name in bed (and half the time he isn't there).
Cole doesn't need to be in the same room to sleep with your wife.
Cole Hamels is so great that he makes suicide commit life.
Cole Hamels expected the Spanish Inquisition.
On his off days, Cole Hamels kicks Chuck Norris' ass and then sleeps with Chuck's woman. When she regains her strength (on Coles's scheduled start days), she kicks Chuck's ass.
Wayne Gomes delivers Cole Hamels' newspaper, and Cole doesn't even tip him.
Jeff Jackson picked Cole Hamels first in an elementary school kickball game.
Cole Hamels can throw a pitch that God can't hit.
When I look to the East in the morning, Cole Hamels comes over the horizon.

Cole Hamels invented the internets just so a webpage could be built in his honor.
Cole Hamels only pitches left handed because it was too easy pitching with his right.
Cole wears a left handed glove upside down and backwards....Jimi Hendrix liked it and played his guitar that way as a tribute to Cole...
When Cole was 5 years old he impregnated a woman, 9 months later she gave birth to an 8 pound 6 ounce bar of gold.
Cole Hamels forced Gandhi to eat.
Cole Hamels once threw a curve ball so well that the batter's children struck out.
Cole Hamels walked into Chickie's and Pete's wearing a Terrell Owens Cowboys jersey and people bought him drinks.
When Cole whistles, furry little woodland creatures gather at his feet........clamoring for conversation.
Cole Hamels once dug all the way to China with chop sticks. On the way, the lava people of middle-Earth stopped Cole for autographs and asked him what was up with that Charlie guy.
Cole Hamels could work for PSE&G because he always puts opposing batters' lights out.
Kanye West almost needed to pay Cole Hamels royaties to release that "Jesus Walks" song, but Cole let it go, because he doesn't walk anyone so it couldn't really be about him.
When Cole throws three straight balls, he isn't worried, cause he still has two more left.
When Cole Hamels throws a ball, he glares up at the scoreboard, changing it to a strike.
When Cole Hamels hits a batter, it is always on purpose.
Cole Hamels gets into a barroom brawl everytime he gives up a run. He has only been in one barroom brawl.
When Delmon Young heard Cole was promoted to triple-A, he went and got himself suspended.
Cole Hamels is a known descendant of Jesus and Mary Magdalene. He has a hard time enjoying a pool in the summer because he just can't shake that family trait of walking on water.
Cole Hamels invented socks.
Cole puts his pants on 2 legs at a time.
During grand jury testimony, Barry Bonds admitted to using three substances later determined to be illegal performance enhancers. These three were The Cream, the Clear and Cole Hamels.
Cole sky dives with no parachute.
Cole Hamels invented the Internet. He did this so somebody, someday would start this website.
Cole Hamels will wear #25- two better than Jordan and one better than Kobe.
Cole Hamels once punched a man so hard that he broke his multi-million dollar pitching hand and then lied to the cops about the incident.
Compared to Cole Hamels, opposing pitchers are so crappy that they give Pepto Bismol the runs.
Cole Hamels pulls more tail than a veterinarian.
Cole Hamels is so revered that at Christmas, Santa sits on his lap.
When Cole gets Chinese takeout, he uses one chopstick. When he opens his fortune cookie, it says, "You're Cole Hamels. Lucky Numbers - You tell me".
When Cole was born, he beaned the doctor with a fastball, made out with the nurse, and struck his father out in two pitches!
Cole Hamels' preferred catcher is Cole Hamels.
Cole must pitch to mitts made of Kevlar.
When Cole Hamels pitches, the Home Plate umpire is not actually required to attend the game.
Cole Hamels will win 1 Cy Young... and 11 Cole Hamels.
Cole bats 8th.
Cole was Bugs Bunny's private pitching coach.
Cole Hamels went down to Georgia, dropkicked the Devil, and then burnt down Turner Field.
By law, Cole is forbidden to work at any company that has a softball team.
On its way to the plate, Cole Hamels' breaking ball actually stops in mid-air, says, "Ya' Momma" to the batter, and then breaks.
Cole's birth was covered on This Week in Baseball.
Cole Hamels looks gift horses in the mouth. And then punches them.
Cole Hamels once threw a perfect game in which he struck out all 27 batters that he faced. The day before, Cole's pitching arm was broken in a horrible fall while rescuing kittens from a burning building.
Cole spits in the wind and tugs on Superman's cape.
Cole Hamels knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men.
Cole Hamels never needs an insurance run, but will drive one in anyway.
Cole Hamels is the real last son of Krypton.
Cole will call himself up when the time is right.
The name "Cole Trickle" was used instead of Cole Hamels in Days of Thunder to protect young Cole's future developement. They didn't want stardom to get to his head at such a young age.
Cole Hamels was Julia Robert's body double in Pretty Woman. It was the scene where the hooker strikes out 27 consecutive batters during a wiffle ball contest and then beats up 11 rival hookers. The scene was cut from the final by the MPAA because it was too intense for the PG-13 audience.
Cole Hamels shot a man in Reno. Not to watch him die, mind you, but so that Cole could bring him back to life.
Cole Hamels is also Kevin Oudeis.
Cole Hamels is the only true ace - proving that unassisted human flight is indeed possible.
Cole Hamels walks on water and swims on land.
Cole Hamels' farts smell like roses.
Cole Hamels walks batters just because he can.
Cole Hamels parted the Red Sea while on break from building The Pyramids. He gave Moses the credit because he's just that kind of guy.
Cole likes to let his competitors feel like they're winning, because he doesn't like them to die embarassed.
You can't divide by zero, but Cole Hamels can.
Cole Hamels receives HBO... on basic cable.
Geico saved a lot of money on car insurance by switching to Cole Hamels.
In Bush's next State of the Union, he is going to proclaim, "America is addicted to Cole!"
The real reason that the Phillies will be leaving Scranton next year? The thought of the Red Barons without Cole Hamels will be too much to bear.
I won my fantasy league with one player, Cole Hamels.
Cole Hamels understands Ulysses.
Researchers thought they had discovered an alternative fuel source in North Eastern Pennsylvania but it turned out to be a Cole Hamels fastball. They are currently trying to harness it, which they fear is impossible.
Cole Hamels warned George Bush that it wasn't a good idea.

6 comments:

Ed in Westchester said...

First, nice to see Darthy had to rely on pinch hitters to write his "columns". I would have thought you had written enough the past couple of weeks where you would not need any help.

Second, nice that you brought up the drugs in the 80's on the Mets. Yanks had their own issues, remember Steve Howe? Then they went and signed Doc and Straw. Now they have Sheffield and Giambi. Cast not stones Darthy, lest you get them thrown back at you.

How and when did I become a fan? In the late 70's, my dad was able to get tickets to several games a year from people he worked with. We did not have much, so these games were the highlight. My mom's family were Yankee fans for the most part, and I was at the young age of 7 and 8 able to recite Yankee stats from the papers, much to the joy of my uncles. I was also able to recite Met stats, though of course they were not as good. Going to those games as Shea was what made me a fan. Bad baseball it may have been, but I remember walking into Shea that first time, seeing that field and being overwhelmed. I get the same feeling to this day. I look forward to taking my little girls there when they get a bit older. At least one game at the present stadium I hope for the older one.

So I trace my roots back to the bad old days. I grew up with this team, I did not become an overnight fan, and did not become a fan just because they were a better team than the Yanks (they of course were not). I could have taken the easy way, but did not. Many Yankee fans that I know are fans solely due to coming of age the last 10 years or so.

As for natural rivals, I do not count the Yanks as the rival. Do I like them, no, I do not, but I do not compare my team to them, nor my players. I cringe when the comparisons between ARod and Jeter and Wright and Reyes are made. There is no way to win the arguement. Let Wright and Reyes be themselves. There is vitriol for the Braves, perhaps not to the level of that which was held against the Cards in the 80's, but it is there. I frankly wish they were competitive this season, so they could be squashed.

You use a broad brush to paint all Met fans Darth, yet when Met fans do the same to Yankee fans, you get on your high horse and become quite defensive.

I hope you enjoyed your "victory". I also hope you are enjoying your team chasing the Sox. Though the NL East may stink, I would much rather be in first place in a crappy division, than in second in a tough one, with the wild card perhpas out of reach.

Enjoy the second half Darth. I know I will.

Tommy_Calzone said...

This is the best Darth has?

Color me unimpressed.

Toasty Joe said...

Darth bringing up the 80's Mets drug use is hilarious. Forget Steve Howe, Mr. 9-time loser, and the two admitted roid-heads currently occupying the Stadium in the Bronx - What about Micky Mantle drinking himself into an early grave? What about Luis Polonia's appetite for pre-teen girls? Glass houses indeed.

I like the picture of Piazza getting beaned. If the tables were turned, and Pedro beaned Jeet-uh in the head (assuming Jeet-uh had been hitting .466 against Pedro in his career), I assume that Yankee fans would have no problem with that. Right?

As for the picture of Jeter with a hot chick, I'm not sure which person Darthy has a crush on.

Ed in Westchester said...

That hot chick with Jeter is now with Nick Lachey (the former Mr. Jessica Simpson, former boy band guy), so tell me, should Jeter be happy about that.
Not only that, but Piazza's wife is WAY HOTTER than that.

I forgot all about Luis Polonia.
As for Mickey, well, it was booze, which is not illegal, and did not give him an edge. For that matter, we can add BIlly Martin.

What about George being a convicted felon?

The posts were lame. I expected better of Darth.

dcmetfan said...

Guys, don't be too hard on Darth. He grew up in the mid-80's, and like every other Yankee fan back then (Yes, there were Yankee fans back then, there was at least one in every neighborhood) he no doubt had a shrine to Don Mattingly in his bedroom. Come on guys, you all had to had to have had at least one friend who was a Yankees fan back then. You'd go to their house and there were Mattingly posters, Mattingly lunch boxes, Mattingly gloves, Mattingly bedhseets. So they grew up with this big mancrush on "Donny Baseball," mainly because he was the only good player on the team for about half a decade.

So the Yankees finally get good, draft some players, acquire some former Met cokeheads, and finally win a World Series they can remember watching rather than on the old black and white highlights they'd show on This Week in Baseball every few weeks. But, yet, their boyhood hero missed out. Donny Baseball retired before he even got the chance to hoist up the trophy. Instead you have images of mercenary and eventual Red Sox Hall of Famer Wade Boggs celebrating on horseback. Satisfying, but something was missing.

And then they won three straight championships. An impressive team full of home-grown talent (and also some former Met cokeheads, a guy who couldn't throw ther ball from second to first, and yet another Red Sox mercenary). That's a lot of seuccess after a decade of suck.

But Donny Baseball didn't get to enjoy any of this. No, the idol of their age never won a championship. And I think that has blackened their poor hearts because, no matter how successful they've been, no matter how many straight division titles they've claimed, the bitterness will always be there. Because their Yankee hero never won.

Past Yankee generations had legends like Ruth, Gehrig, Dimaggio and Mantle. But that was in the past. Those were their grand pappy's heores. But this Yankee generation doesn't have a hero it can claim. I mean, Derek Jeter? Nice player, but not even in the top ten in Yankee history.

So, be nice to Darth and his fellow Yankee fans. No matter how successful their teams have been, they'll always bitterly mourn what could have been rather than enjoy what success they did have.

Darth Marc said...

I acutally became a Yankee fan in the late seventies and my favorite players growing up were Dave Winfield, Reggie Jackson and Ron Guidry. I liked Donnie, but wasn't a Mattingly sycophant like your friends.

Nice try trying to talk to me though....