A Day In The Life...

With all of the dizzying rumors amounting to nothing, it's a great mystery as to what really happened as the hours ticked down to zero hour...4PM on July 31st. We may never know. We can only guess...

6:17 AM: Omar Minaya is awoken by a phone call from Rangers GM John Hart:

OM: Hello?

JH: Hi Omar it's John.

OM: Hi John.

JH: Change your mind on the Soriano deal?

OM: Well what do you want in return?

JH: Cameron, Milledge, and Petit.

OM: Gee, you want my first born too?

JH: Can she pitch?

OM: Good bye John.

8:29 AM: After a few more minutes of sleep, and a hearty bacon and eggs breakfast, Minaya calls his good buddy Theo Epstein:

TE: Omar, I had a feeling it was you.

OM: Do I hear correct about Manny?

TE: Yeah, he requested a trade for the 17th time in the last two months. He feels that he has no privacy when he takes a leak in the Green Monster. He needs a bathroom with more privacy.

OM: We can build a bathroom in left field for him. Can I interest you in Tom Glavine?

TE: Does he need more privacy?

OM: No, but he needs his own bathroom.

TE: I'll get back to you.

10:10 AM: The phone rings again:

OM: It's Omar...

CL: Heeeeeeeeeey you sonofabitch how the hell are you, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaawww!

OM: Chuck? Chuck Lamar??

CL: Yeah baby! I just got back from this wild party and I am letting loose with Grey Goose! Wooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

OM: Chuck, can I help you?

CL: Yeah, do me a favor man, trade me David Wright.

OM: You ARE drunk.

CL: No really, you want to trade me David Wright you big ol' sonofabitch!

OM: Call me when you're sober, Chuck. (hangs up).

11:06 AM: Cell phone rings:

OM: It's Omar.

JB: Hey, Jim Beattie from the Orioles.

OM: Hey Jim. I assume you want Mike Cameron?

JB: Nah, I wanted to see if you wanted to revive those Floyd for Sosa talks.

OM: Jim, I didn't do it when he was with Chicago, why would I trade Floyd for Sosa now?

JB: Look, the O's are slumping, Angelos is furious, Flanagan is cursing everyone out, and Jim Palmer's running around in his underwear trashing my office. And I can't figure out why Victor Conte's been hanging around Raffy's locker. I can't take it anymore, I have to do something.

OM: Well what's wrong with Cameron? I'll take Julio and Bigbie.

JB: I can discuss that, hold on...Jim stop that! Stop that Palmer!!! PALMER THAT WAS MY BILLY RIPKEN PAPERWEIGHT DAMMIT!!! Omar, I gotta call you back.

1:28 PM: Dayn Perry of FOX Sports gets a hold of Minaya:

DP: Hi Omar, Dayn Perry of FOX Sports dot com.

OM: Dayn, I have nothing to report to you. Nothing is imminent, everybody wants a kings ransom for their players. I can't give you anything (the call waiting goes off) hold on Dayn, (clicks over) It's Omar...

KB: Omar, it's Kris Benson.

OM: What's wrong?

KB: Are you trading me for Manny Ramirez?

OM: Look, I can't promise you anything, but right now you're not going anywhere, so I wouldn't worry.

KB: Good, because Anna's really freaking out. There's no modeling opportunities in Boston and she's kind of taking it out on me.

OM: Look, I'm on the other line but listen, tell Anna you're not going anywhere, and tell her no sex on game night! I gotta go. (clicks over) Sorry about that Dayn.

DP: That's OK, I think I have my story. See ya Omar.

OM: What? Wait! I said "sex on game night" not "Richie Sexson"! (Perry hangs up). Damn phone!

2:59 PM: Omar calls Cubs GM Jim Hendry:

JH: Whaddaya say Omar?

OM: Hey, has John called you about Soriano?

JH: Yeah, funny he asked me for pie in return.

OM: Felix Pie?

JH: No, key lime pie. You should taste some, my wife spent all night on it.

OM: Son of a bitch. (The call waiting clicks). Hold on Jim (clicks) It's Omar.

CL: Oooooooooh, my head.

OM: Lamar, is that you?

CL: Omar, I can't remember anything I've done over the past 32 hours...my wife told me I called you and asked for David Wright. Is that true?

OM: Yes, you did.

CL: Oh. Well...how 'bout it? Wright and Reyes for Baez?

OM: You drunk! (Hangs up and clicks back to Hendry) Sorry Jim.

JH: Oh that's OK. Listen, while I was on hold, I just traded for Matt Lawton, so I gotta go.

OM: Damn...I mean, that's fine Jim.

3:04 PM: Theo calls back...

OM: Theo, what's the word?

TE: Omar, Manny says that he'll stay, but only if we take the green skittles out of the post game spread...and something about an evil monkey in his locker.

OM: What?

TE: Well we've got clubhouse guys working on the skittles.

OM: What about the monkey?

TE: Oh, Millar kidnapped it from Anaheim.

OM: So I guess that means no deal?

TE: Not unless you want Oil Can Boyd.

OM: Well, tempted as I am to infuse a youth movement into our Norfolk team, I'll pass. Thanks.

3:26 PM: Omar takes John Hart to task:

OM: Hey John, how come you're trying to rip me off but you only asked Hendry for pie?

JH: Omar! It's just good business. Besides, have you had that key lime pie?

OM: Nah, I'm a cheesecake guy.

JH: Oh, that's too bad. Well anyway, we're not trading Soriano. Our sabremetric guys told me a very interesting fact about Soriano which led me to believe that we should keep him.

OM: What did they tell you?

JH: That he's good.

OM: Wait, wha...never mind. I gotta go see if I can make another deal.

3:50 PM: Minaya tries one more thing:

BC: Cash here.

OM: Hey Cash, it's Omar.

BC: Hi Omar.

OM: You do anything today?

BC: We traded Groom to Arizona after he trashed Saint Joe...other than that, I'm stumped for ideas.

OM: I'm in the same boat. You think there's anything we can trade?

BC: How about jobs?

OM: What?

BC: Omar, I gotta get out of here, Steinbrenner is driving me insane! Get me this, get me that!

OM: Well, who does he want?

BC: Not players, calzones!

OM: You're not having a good day, are you?

BC: And he cries all the time too. I'm at my wits end here.

OM: Brian, I gotta go, I got another call. (clicks) It's Omar.

MC: Omar, It's Mike.

OM: Mike?

MC: Yeah, Mike Cameron.

OM: Mike, aren't you supposed to be playing?

MC: I am playing, we're at bat and I'm in the lockerroom. Listen, I just wanted to make sure...you're not trading me, are you?

OM: (exasperated) No Mike, you're staying right here.

MC: WOO HOO! Thanks Omar. I was really having a tough time! I thought I could handle it, but I can't! I've been having nightmares, and rashes, and everything! Thanks again Omar! Oh damn, I'm up, gotta go!

4 PM: The trade deadline is over.

OM: Hi it's Omar?

JS: Weeee goooot Faaaarns-woooorth! Yooooou caaaaaan't caaaaatch uuuuuus! Weeee goooot Faaaarns-woooorth!

OM: Schuerholz you bastard, I'll get you. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not for another 14 years. But one day Schuerholz...one day.

JS: You'll be with the Yankees by then anyway. BYE!

And thus ends another exciting trade deadline.