Greetings From Satan's Playground

Otherwise known as: Buffalo, NY.

You are reading history here friends, for this is the very first posting that I've ever made while not sitting in my living room. No no, friends. Metstradamus has gone mobile.

This new found mobility is pretty awe inspiring. I feel like that guy in the Red Roof Inn commercials singing "muuuuuuul-ti-task-ing"! (No, I'm not at a Red Roof Inn). I will say this though: I could be all like "King of the castle, king of the castle", but you know what? A water is still five dollars...even in Buffalo. I hardly feel like a king...more like a sucker.

You may be worried about my lack of posting lately. Don't worry, I'm keeping track of Rickey Henderson's upcoming retirement ceremony, Luis Castillo imminent arrival as the new Mets second baseman (in 2008, mind you...hey let's trade for him now, Jose Valentin has some old age injury), Barry Zito being a punk, and some guy named Jose Jose (No kidding! his name really is Jose Jose...like the freakin' song!)

But my focus has been geared towards what is going to happen over the next couple of weeks...that's right, lame previews of the Mets along with the rest of the N.L. East. Here's a tentative preview:

March 20: The Outfield (not the band)
March 21: The Infield
March 22: The Bullpen
March 23: The Starters
March 26-March 30: team by team capsules of the N.L. East, along with predictions for order of finish.

Don't get too excited folks, it's stuff you already know, only with my special sauce.

Until then, I'm off to get some Tim Horton's for a doughnut I can take with me while I go over the falls in a barrel (not willingly, I'll probably be forced over by the townspeople after incessantly reminding them of Scott Norwood and Brett Hull).

Tiger Taming, Phillips Hating

When the Mets were denied a chance to face the Tigers in the World Series, a great photoshop idea was wasted. In honor of today's second spring game against Detroit, I give you...

Unfortunately, the Mets couldn't tame the Tigers during the spring opener, and they couldn't tame them today either. The key moment in the game came when Aaron Heilman seemingly got the last out of the seventh inning off of Kody Kirkland with a tapper to third while the bases were loaded and the score tied at three. But, after Heilman was already in the dugout, the home plate umpire correctly ruled that the ball hit flush off Kirkland's foot, so Heilman had to come back out and make more pitches to Kirkland. As if there could have been any other result, Kirkland cleared the bases and basically gave the Tigers a victory.

Those developments are somewhat significant because it's looking more and more and more and more like Heilman, a pitcher I once thought should be traded to a place where he can pitch more important innings, may be working the eighth inning after all.

Filthy Sanchez is really pissing off Willie Randolph with his lateness and lack of conditioning. So Randolph sends a message by sending Sanchez home on Thursday after being late again after already being warned. Then, Willie kept him home again on Friday. And the punishment might not stop there (boy, would I like to be a fly on the wall of this meeting on Saturday...whooooooo doggie!)

Unfortunately, we now have a controversy. Fortunately, Willie is attempting to nip it in the bud, and make players accountable. Anyone want to rethink your votes for 2006 Manager of the Year? Well since this is 2007, that wouldn't make any sense now would it?

***

In 2006, you voted Steve Phillips to the Metstradamus Hall of Hate. Apparently, Phillips has made Ozzie Guillen's hate list after he appeared on SportsCenter and guessed that Ozzie Guillen is the manager that's on the "Hot Seat" (sponsored by Budweiser):

''Every time I talk to him, he tries to be nice to me...If I'm in that position, then I'm in great shape because I have two more years on my contract. And I guarantee him if I'm done with the White Sox, I can go to my house or get another job...I have a better record than his manager (Bobby Valentine) did with the Mets. I have a better record as a manager than (Phillips) when he was the Mets' general manager. We pick better players than he did back then. He forgot about when I was with Atlanta and he was the general manager and we beat him. He forgot I was the guy who hit the base hit to right field to win the game."

Well actually Ozzie, it was a sacrifice fly to center field. And then there was the double to center field earlier that season...but who's quibbling?

Metstradamus' Deep Thoughts

Was anyone as disturbed as I was when they read the article on ESPN's website when David Wells let loose the secret that Greg Maddux enjoys sidling up to rookies in the shower and urinating on their leg?

I got to thinking: When, exactly, did this become an acceptable part of society? When it happened in a major league clubhouse? I mean, a future hall of famer does it and it's okay? Greg Maddux pees on another human being and he didn't get beaten to within an inch of his life? How does this happen? Was it because David Wells approves?

Think about the coverage that a human being peeing on another human being would get if instead of a major league clubhouse, it happened on the subway, or at a flea market, or during a session of congress. CNN, FOX News, even MSNBC would be all over this story every hour on the hour. It would be a veritable "Pee-Gate".

Now think of the type of coverage it would get if it happened in the Mets locker room.

No no, stay with me here.

If Greg Maddux is going around urinating on other human beings and David Wells is admiring it, it tells me that this has happened before in a major league clubhouse. That tells me that it will happen again. So what if, say, a "Mets veteran" was to selectively position himself next to a Mets rookie in the shower (yeah that sounds bad), and let’s fly with some “salt water”?

Now let’s say that this rookie were to react to that the way most people would react to that (I hope), and beat this Mets veteran to a bloody pulp, and this Mets veteran was say…out for the season? Of course the beating is going to make the papers. But who’s going to admit that the reason that this rookie went medieval on the veteran was that he got peed on? What happens in the locker room stays in the locker room, right? How freakin' silly is that going to sound? Who brags about something like this besides David Wells?

And how, exactly, does Willie Randolph handle something like this?

Now let me ask another question: What if instead of this happening to a rookie, what if it happened to Lastings Milledge?

We, as Mets fans, went around and around when Lastings Milledge's clothes were stolen from his locker (and now we know how mild that is comparatively). Think about how this would sound to a Mets fan reading the newspaper: Lastings Milledge, who was seen as cocky and arrogant during his rookie year, beats the crap out of a veteran in the shower. How many of us would just assume that Milledge was in the wrong, or just simply "flipped out"? Heck, if David Wright can get bashed by a small group of Mets fans for saying that he would love to have Alex Rodriguez on the team, think of the beating that Milledge would take in the papers for putting a teammate in the hospital?

Now, let’s say about six days after the beating that Peter Gammons breaks into SportsCenter with a special report (because who else would have a mole in a major league shower than Peter Gammons…really, that guy is amazing) that Lastings Milledge went ballistic because he was peed on? Now how many of us would think Milledge was wrong?

Hopefully nobody, but I would guess probably a few too many. I can only imagine what the comment boards would look like…

"Milledge should have thought of the team."

"Yeah, but the veteran should have thought of the team too. If he had only peed on Moises Alou's hands, he would have broken out of his slump and the Mets could get out of third place."

You talk about media controversies, this would be one that would make Bobby Bonilla look like a media darling.

Well I for one am glad, for now, that the largest ethical dilemma that we as Mets fans have to deal with is whether to root for Aaron Sele to do well his next time out during the spring, or whether to root for Aaron Sele to bomb so that Phil Humber has a greater chance to make the rotation.

I’m also glad that Greg Maddux pitches far, FAR away from New York.

Tease Times Two

And so the latest round of teasing is upon us.

Only this time, the siren hiking her skirt up to show some leg isn't named Barry Zito. No, this time, the vixen is named Johan...not Scarlett "Johan"sson, but Johan Santana. It's sure to start up a whole new road that will ultimately be fruitless.

"If Minnesota wants to keep me, the earlier the better for a contract negotiation...The closer I get to free agency the more difficult it will be." -Johan Santana

No, the Mets aren't mentioned. But you know us fans, we'll start dreaming of Santana opening up Citi Field in 2009. It's inevitable.

But Metstradamus, you warned us about this before...why even bring it up again? -an inevitable quote from a dear reader

Because what choice do I have? It's either discuss the pipe dream that is Johan Santana, or discuss David Wright basically giving up his position so that Alex Rodriguez can become a Met...another impossible scenario.

This A-Rod thing could really turn out to be a cheesy afterschool special. Or it could even be Kit Keller joining the Rockford Peaches to get out of the shadow of Dottie Henson and beat the Racine Belles in the championship. Yes, I can compare A-Rod to Kit Keller and Derek Jeter to Dottie Henson because, as Susan Shapiro Barash notes, A-Rod and Jeter are displaying "very familiar female behavior" (Barash's words, not mine).

But the fact of the matter remains this: David Wright, if he has a flaw, is way too nice. He's politically correct to the hilt, and he isn't going to trash anyone, or especially take on anyone connected with the New York Yankees and their 26 World Titles (you know, like most sportswriters in this town). Here is Wright's quote:

"For Alex Rodriguez? Yeah, he's Alex Rodriguez. He's a Hall of Famer. He does everything in the game exceptionally well. I still think it's a little premature to be testing the waters, but he's a great player. You're talking about a player that makes any team so much better. The point is not to court A-Rod, because who knows if A-Rod is going to opt out or stay with the Yankees. But if it's something serious, I'd love to sit down and talk about it."

Here is what his quote should have been:

"For Alex Rodriguez? You know what, he switched positions for Jeter...if he wants to come here, he can switch positions again. I'm supposedly the Mets' version of Jeter...at least that's what everybody tells me all the time, right? Damn I get so sick of that. But if he can move for Jeter, he could move for me. The Yankees got Alex Rodriguez. You know who we'd be getting? Alex Rodriguez with newly developed mental hiccups. I can't play left field...are you kidding me? Ever hear of Todd Hundley? No way am I leaving a huge contract on the table by looking like Bozo the Clown out in left field so that Alex Rodriguez can stay at a position he's been playing for three years...you know, the same position I've been playing my whole freakin' life! Besides, I can't have Cliff Floyd calling me from Chicago laughing at me. We have a damn good team here. If he wants to come aboard, the more the merrier. Can he pitch?"

Santana? Rodriguez? Not happening. You say the woman is hiking her skirt up looking for a ride? Just keep on driving...she is most likely packing a chainsaw.

Spring Squeeze

So I'm going to expose myself as a true loser here, but one quick question:

Am I the only one who was getting angry that Tom Glavine was getting squeezed by the home plate umpire during the first inning of the second spring training game of the season?

Glavine did look good today in the Mets 4-3 win over the Cardinals (in what Bud Selig should have deemed "Game 8" for the good of the sport), throwing two sharp innings, getting Albert Pujols on a weak tapper in the process. No word on whether Pujols is still not impressed with Tom Glavine.

***

Speaking of looking good, you know who didn't today? That's right, Steve Trachsel! Trachsel gave up three runs for the Orioles on four hits in one inning of work against the Florida Marlins. No truth to the rumor that Hanley Ramirez, Dan Uggla, and Miguel Cabrera all winked at Trachsel before facing him.

Ollie's Follies

All right, all right...I'm not going to sit here and pretend that the first game of spring training really means a whole lot. I'm not even going to panic over Oliver Perez's linescore (two innings, 4 runs, one K, one HR).

But it's a good thing that the boxscore doesn't include a column for potential broken legs caused by wild warm-up pitches. Because if it did, Oliver Perez would lead the league.

"'I got hit pretty good,' said the photographer, John Iacono, who was shooting from near the backstop before the game. 'At the last minute, I saw it coming. I turned my left leg just enough so I didn't get it head on.' Tigers manager Jim Leyland told Iacono to have trainers look at the leg, which was hit just below the knee. Iacono, who stopped shooting the game after the fourth inning, had about 15 minutes of ice and had the leg wrapped. He said after the game that he wasn't feeling too good and that he might have the leg X-rayed."

Oliver Perez has one mission in life and that's not to be wild. So what does he do during the first game of the spring? Why, he almost kills a photographer of course. I guess all those lessons that he put to use during Game 7 last season were all thrown out the window. (Or at least he tried to throw them out the window...he probably missed and hit his dog. Poor dog.)