Red Light Shakeup

FLUSHING, N.Y., October 5, 2009 - "The New York Mets today announced that Bench Coach Sandy Alomar Sr. and First Base Coach Luis Alicea will not be returning for the 2010 season. Alomar Sr. will be offered another position within the organization.

Hitting Coach Howard Johnson, Pitching Coach Dan Warthen and Bullpen Coach Randy Niemann will return to Manager Jerry Manuel's staff in the same positions next year. Third Base Coach Razor Shines and Catching Instructor Sandy Alomar Jr. will be part of the Major League staff in 2010 in yet to be determined roles."

In a related move, the Mets have announced that replacing Shines as third base coach will be a New York City traffic light. Runners will have to adhere to the light, which will be showing red, yellow, or green at various and random times. But the club feels that the traffic light, which can't see which runners are where because it is a traffic light, will have just as good a success rate as Shines. Furthermore, the traffic light will not have a salary, and will only require maintenance costs and a replacement light bulb or two. The light will don uniform number 64 for the upcoming season.

They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha Haaa!

It's becoming evident that Willie Randolph has gone completely insane.

It's not his fault. But circumstances are driving him to the asylum.

Of course, it doesn't help that Sandy Alomar Sr. had the kind of flashback that makes slow catchers look eerily similar to Lou Brock during Game 1 of the double dip against the Rangers. But here's Willie Randolph on Alomar's decision to send Brian Schneider home on a short fly ball to Milton Bradley in the eighth which basically blew any Mets chance at a comeback:

"In retrospect, he was thrown out by a lot (at home), so it probably wasn't a definite good send," said Randolph, who served as the Yankees' third base coach for 10 years. "But it's lonely over there at third base, and you make a decision. The throw was good, but it didn't put a damper on that inning right there."

It's lonely?

Wait a second, shouldn't that mean that instead of having lots of friends around to talk to, that Sandy Alomar Sr. would have extra time to, oh I don't know, think about why sending a catcher home on a short fly ball would be a bad idea? Lonely??? Alomar made a bad read because he was lonely? Sandy Alomar Sr. needs to go on eHarmony.com?

"Go Schneider! Run like the wind! I want to be lonely again!!! Booooooooooorn Freeeeeeeeee! As free as the wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind bloooooooooooooows!"

Koo-koo! Koo-koo! Koo-koo!

(Or is that ... Dae Sung Koo-Koo?)

Then, after Robinson Cancel saved Randolph's bacon by getting a pinch-hit two run single in the sixth giving the Mets the lead for good in game 2 while everyone in the stands were chanting for Pedro Martinez to stay in the game (and saved the Mets from the awful stat that the team is 0-9 when being tied after six innings), Randolph says this:

"Because of the rainout, yeah it almost felt like we went one for three really ... but the record shows otherwise so we'll take it."

Willie Randolph has become one of those chain smokers that can't enjoy food anymore because he's smoked so much that everything tastes like tar and menthol. Even a series win feels like a series loss to Randolph. That's not supposed to happen to a manager until he's been around 25 years. Willie hasn't even managed four.

That ... my friends ... is what working for this organization will get you. Fewer brain cells. So yes, fire Willie. Fire Willie Randolph so he can regain his sanity and get a cushy job as Joe Torre's bench coach. Save him from a fate of sneaking on team flights in disguises so he can't be fired.

Fire Rick Peterson so he can become Barry Zito's love guru. (Or maybe he'll go to San Diego and straighten out Heath Bell's fastball again).

Fire Tom Nieto so he can go to another organization and a whole other fan base can forget that he works for them until it's time to fire seven coaches.

Fire them all. Except Jerry Manuel, that is. Yes, by all means promote Jerry Manuel ... who outside of one division title in 2000 is a .500 manager ... a perfect match for a .500 roster. He'll fire up the troops just fine.

Yes, give us Jerry. Arm him with more of the weapons of Omar Minaya's past ... such as Tony Armas Jr. And bring back the rest of the Expo luminaries: Shane Andrews. Fernando Seguignol. Orlando Merced. Wilton Guerrero. Trace Coquillette. And what's Mel Rojas doing these days, anyway?

Bring 'em back. That'll do the trick.

Ah, f**k. Guess I've gone crazy too. And I haven't even flown back and forth from the west coast every other week. Think how Willie feels.

Most be lonely on those flights.

A Matter Of Trust

So many of you seemingly had issues with my bullpen advisory system, namely the fact that I had Scott Schoeneweis at yellow and Aaron Heilman at orange.

I know where you're coming from...really I do. I never claimed to think that you all should agree with everything I say. Most things, but not everything...

All right, you should probably do better to dismiss the bulk of what I say. But my point is this: If I was going to do a backwards header off the top of a piano or something, and I had to depend on Aaron Heilman to keep my head from cracking open on the cold hard floor, I just can't do it. It just seems that every time I put my blind faith in him, he gives up a home run to Adrian Gonzalez...or base hits to Adam LaRoche and Jason Bay...or military secrets to Peru.

Logic tells me I should trust. Aaron Heilman has a 2.14 ERA, 11 holds, and a WHIP of 1.10 since the all-star break (thanks to my friends at Flushing University for presenting the valid points), and that's with the two meltdowns against the Bucs and Padres. But since when has logic played into irrational fears? Is there a such thing as a logical phobia?

So in that spirit, I give praise to Aaron Heilman for being there to catch me with a superb effort in the eighth inning to preserve a victory for the nearly perfect Tom Glavine against Houston this afternoon. Not that I completely trusted him...I never did take that fallback of faith. But it would behoove me to at least acknowledge the good if I'm going to explode at the bad. I also acknowledge that when Aaron Heilman does leave for what he thinks are greener pastures (i.e. a starting gig), I will wish him luck and shake his hand (if he lets me).

But that doesn't mean I completely trust my skull, my military secrets, or my plastic cup collection in him. Yet.

P.S. The Phillies are manipulating their pitching rotation to make sure that Adam Eaton (5-0 against the Mets lifetime, and something like 3-95 against the rest of the league) pitches against the Mets at Shea Stadium next weekend. The Dodgers tried that because they thought Eric Stults, who had ten minutes of major league service, was a Met killer. The Mets pounded Stults that day.

So just remember, Charlie Manuel, that it's not nice to fool with Mother Nature (or Father Alomar.)