Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Another Day, Another News Conference, Another Win

"I think he really understands he made a very large mistake here. He apologized to ownership, he apologized to the staff. Omar has told me he's remorseful about what he said." -Jeff Wilpon
"So I sent him to his room without his supper to think about what he's done. He's been a very bad boy."

My favorite part of Tuesday's news conference, the one that expounded on Monday's second news conference which was needed to smooth over Monday's first news conference, was the part where Jeffy said something like "Oh, Omar's around. But he needs some time to recuperate, he's had a tough day and he's visibly shaken."


Yeah, Omar needs a day off. I mean, it's not like there's anything going on that a general manager really needs to do near the end of July. Oh don't worry about that small detail that it's the one chance Omar has to improve the club whether it be for now or for the future. Because we can't have Mark Shapiro or Billy Beane calling Flushing to talk trade only to have Minaya collapse in a heap as he bawls his eyes out and have the flavor of his own tears make his Alpha Bits taste funny. (Can you spell "inept" with one spoonful? I knew you could.)

Yes, you rest. Tony can run the trade deadli ... oh, that's right.

Luckily, the Mets continue to smooth things over with a winning streak which is now at four, giving Minaya a false sense of security and enabling him to trade half the farm system to the Reds for Jonny Gomes and Alex Gonzalez. Mike Pelfrey's pitching well, Daniel Murphy's playing small ball at the cleanup spot, and Jeff Francoeur is pretending that it was his evil twin on the Sports Illustrated cover. But most important to this winning streak is the fact that Brian Schneider is growing a beard that makes him look gritty. Looks almost too good though, like he had thick black ink spackled on his face with a sponge by a Hollywood make-up artist. That's all right though, because it's a beard that says "We don't care about front office propaganda, we're ballplayers! And we're gritty! Grrrrrrrr!"

I feel better already.


James Allen said...

Jeff: (knocks on door) Omar? (muffled sobs from inside the room) Omar? Sport? Howya doin'?

Omar: Go away!

Jeff: Come on, Omar, come out.

Omar: NO!

Jeff: Come on, you can open the door.

Omar: I don't wanna!

Jeff: Omar. Now come on, you can't stay in there forever.

Omar: No! I'm not coming out! They're all gonna laugh at me.

Jeff: Now, Omar, you know that's not true, everyone out here likes you.

Omar: NO! I've been listening to FAN, Uncle Joe has been saying mean things about me.

Jeff: Now, now, Omar, you know Joe is only joking.

Omar: NO! He's being a meanie!

Jeff: Now, now, Omar, Joe wouldn't be talking like that if, deep down, he didn't love you.

Omar: No, he's a meanie! Adam's the jerk, not me, it's not fair! It's not fair! (sobs) Go away (muffled sobs)

Jeff: Omar? Champ? Come on...

Omar; I want Tony back, (crying) I want Tony baaaaack!

Jeff: Now, you know Tony can't come back, you had to send him away, he's gone forever.

Omar: No! They made me. Adam made me.

Jeff: Now, Omar, you have to remember the team...

Omar: Our team is stinky! And everyone's blaming me (more muffled wailing) It's not fair! They all got boo-boos! And Adam's a snitchface! It's not fair! (moaning and heavy sniffling)

Jeff: No Omar, Adam just asked me a couple questions he didn't mean anything by it.

Omar: He's a doo-doo head, I hate him, ihatehim ihatehim ihatehim...

Jeff: Omar...

Omar: Stinky! We're stinky!

Jeff: No, we're not, in fact we've just won four in a row.


Jeff: I'm not lying, little camper, four in a row! In fact, the last one was a shutout!

Omar: NO! I don't believe you.

Jeff: Here's the boxscore (slips it under the door)

Omar: (pause) You mean, we're not stinky?

Jeff: No, no Sport.

Omar: Francoeur is hitting good? Honest and true?

Jeff: Yeah, honest injun.

Omar: (sniffling) Can I have ice cream?

Jeff: (laughs) Sure, Omar, all you want, just come out you little scamp.

Omar: And no one will laugh at me...

Jeff: No one will laugh at you, I promise...

Omar: (sheepishly) OK.

(the door opens, Omar emerges, Jeff immediately grabs him and puts him over his lap)

Jeff: (while spanking) How many times have I told you not to lock yourself in a room after a press conference (Omar wails), and remember, this hurts me more than it does you.

(The beat reporters, resumes in hand, stand around Jeff laughing heartily at Omar)

(Omar awakens in a cold sweat)

Omar: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

(Jeff runs in the room)

Jeff: What is it!!??

Omar: I had a nightmare.

Jeff: You mean the one with Yadier again?

Omar: No, a different one... it had (looks at Jeff's stern face), nah, it was Yadier again, I'm sorry Jeff.

Jeff: Now we've told you time and time again not to be scared of nightmares, haven't we? (rubs Omar's head)

Omar: Yes, sir.

Jeff: Now, go back to sleep, we have a long day tomorrow. We have lots and lots of fun people to talk to.

Omar: Can I deal Parnell?

Jeff: Well, if you're good, and clean your room, we'll see. Now go to sleep.

(Omar cuddles up with his Nelson de la Rosa doll and falls asleep)

number15 said...

could you believe it when dwright hit that little patch of high wall in center field? unreal

tommy_calzone said...

Damus get out of my head!

My thoughts exactly when I heard Lil Jeffy spewing how Omar needs some time.

How are we not IN on this V-mart talk!?!