Monday, March 20, 2006

Ranting And Raving

All right, so now that I've gotten a preliminary report on the state of all things Metropolitan from my crack staff (which consists of my cat and...well, my cat) I'm not pleased.

First off, and I mentioned this in brief just hours ago, what's with the syrupy retirement of Al Leiter? Instead of bowing out after the World Baseball Tournament like everyone thought he would do, he's gotta waste everyone's time and don the Yankee pinstripes (well, more like the Yankee batting practice uniform), to induce an Eduardo Perez groundout in a meaningless spring training game so he could go out on his terms.

So how exactly does John Sterling start off Al Leiter's Yankee-o-graphy? "Although he only pitched 169 innings in a Yankee uniform, Al Leiter embodies the term 'True Yankee'". Spare me.

Oh, and speaking of Yankee-o-graphy, one thing I missed while I was away was the birth of the new Mets Network. Or what I was once led to believe was the new Mets network. So when I put on channel 26 to see what I was in store for. I got pro lacrosse.

And later tonight, it's Arena Football. But not just arena football boys and girls, tape delayed Arena Football.

Wait a minute, what time does the Dan Schatzeder Met-o-graphy start?

Now my practical side tells me that ESPN once started in much the same way. In fact, pro lacrosse would have been a boon for ESPN in the early 80's. But the kid in me tells me that there weren't 85 sports networks around when ESPN started (along with telling me that the frosted side of the damn mini-wheat cereal is the only reason to eat the cereal).

The Mets can't even get their own network right. Lacrosse? Is Wally Whitehurst coaching one of these lacrosse teams that it belongs on this supposed Mets network?

A boating show was on at 4:00.

Boating. Apparently, the network is actually called OLM (Outdoor Life Mets).

And now, I see a commercial where the "television head" is painting a woman's toes while whispering sweet nothings in her ear, promising Yankee be fair...before the jilted Mets fan walks into the room catching what was supposed to be her network with a Yankee trollop.

So have the Mets become the Jennifer Aniston of major league baseball? (Yeah we love you, but Angelina's hot too!) Great. Just replay Dwight Gooden's no hitter from 1996 while you're at know, as long as we're being fair!

Mets network. If I want to be lied to, I'll subpoena Rafael Palmeiro.

Speaking of roid rage, it's disheartening to realize that the city I spent the last five days inhabiting is also the birthplace of one Roger Clemens...but it is heartening that his career might end with a loss to Mexico in the World Baseball Tournament. But of course, we'll all have to wait another three months until Roger graces us with his decision. (I've waited less for a Sopranos season premiere).

I've heard from my sources that Roger wants to hang around so that he can brush back some more of his kids.


Condor Schmitt said...

Get rid of that fucking Todd Zeile picture representing the METS!!!!!! Are you deliberately trying to jinx us? Get Wrights pic there NOW MISTER!!!

Still love the redneck hunter for the Boobs.

Metstradamus said...

Whoa dude! Did Todd Zeile, like, burn your Diana Ross album collection or something?

You know the sooner you get to the true root of your problem, the better. I hope for your sake that Dr. Phil makes house calls. He's helped me make great progress. He can do the same thing for you.

Anonymous said...

The Mets will not win because the HOMELAND rejects all liberals and their traitorus ways!

Tommy_Calzone said...

YO Damus,

Welcome back, just got back from Florida including a trip to PSL Saturday to see Mets beat Braves (minus Larry & Andruw of course).

That stadium is real sweet if ya haven't been there I recommend it. Amazing to watch them from a clean stadium albeit small considering.

Tradition field's sound system makes Shea's seem like a transistor radio.
I'm thinkin the Mets can benefit from an upgrade. Ala the 2000 post season. Never understood why they reverted back after that. Couldn't be from noise pollution seeing how the boos and the planes out drone that.

The dames are smokin' in the stands too.

You need to ammend your poll for us 3 million frickin subscribers that Dolan is making sweat right now.

Sucks bein away eh...I felt lost except for Saturday.

And I was worried I missed a week's worth of soothsaying!

Metstradamus said...


I've never been to Tradition Field. I would love to get the spring training experience one day.

Yeah, it's hard being away. But I was in probably the only hotel in the universe that offered ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNEWS, AND ESPN Classic in the room. So I never felt TOO far away. Dial-up kept me from blogging though.

You mean Cablevision still hasn't agreed to carry SNY yet? Why am I not surprised?

Tommy_Calzone said...

Nope and apparently Dolan said last week if they hadn't agreed by the 16th but talks were still progressing they would air it in good faith anyway on channel 76.

Never happened.

elliot said...

O great soothsayer - I entreat you to help me in my hour of need. I am a "Dish Network" customer. Have I any hope of viewing any Great and Powerful Mets games any time this season?

Say me some sooth, Metstra.

Metstradamus said...

Elliott, I hate to predict that anyone is screwed...but let's just say I don't trust cable or satellite providers. (See "Time Warner Customers, 2005".)

Jaap said...

They just broke out ESPN Classic in the UK - unfortunately it's like curling highlights from the 1986 Olympics, the Commonwealth Games and football - in other words, UK-based classics. No baseball. (but you will be heartened to know that the historic cricket victory over Australia in last summer's Ashes is well-featured, which is a bonus b/c I think I was drunk during the entire tournament which is what happens when you watch all the matches in a pub)
Still, there's never a day that I miss ESPN's incessant self-promotion...
We've got a nice channel called NASN (North American Sports Network) here which shows baseball all summer long. I dunno if NASN is the Jennifer Aniston of International Sports Programming but it beats listening to Homewrecker Jolie whingeing about the destruction of the environment whilst she adopts another twelve Malaysian orphans. :)

Metstradamus said...


I actually saw people playing cricket in New York about three weeks ago for the first time. Gotta tell ya, it freaked me out.

Also, when I go on a cruise, the only sports channel I get is ESPN International. Sure, I get an All-Star game here and there, but it's mostly cricket. Lots...and lots...of cricket. If it wasn't for the fact that I was spending time on white sandy beaches...I'd go clinically insane.