Dispatch From The Dark Side

In an attempt at equal time, I wanted to get a perspective from the world of evil, and certainly got one. I sat down with the Yankee fan known as "Darth Marc". Darth Marc has been sitting in the upper deck behind home plate at Yankee Stadium since 2001. I've hit him with a mail tub repeatedly after Game 4 of the 2000 Subway Series, I've wallpapered his office with Rally Monkeys after the Angels eliminated them in 2002, and he's fired back with general acts of violence too numerous to mention (probably why I have a bad back). I finally injected enough elephant tranquilizer in him to sit him down long enough for a quick interview, which he so graciously granted me at 4:03 Sunday morning, after a wild (no doubt) birthday celebration (Darth Marc moved up a digit on Friday). These were his thoughts:

MD: Welcome Darth Marc to the lair of Metstradamus. Let's get right to it...Who are the real Yankees, the team that started 11-19, or the team that just won ten straight?

DM: This is the team that will destroy the rebel infidels. Not the 11-19 version. Despite Randy Johnson's burp (yesterday). The Yankees have only won 2 less games than last year. And that team won 100 games with serious pitching questions. This team has the potential to be just as good if not better. There are 5 1/2 games that separate first and fourth in the AL East. Even the most ardent Yankee-hater infidel wouldn't so stupid to count us out so early in the race.

MD: Tino Martinez is on fire. When do his steroid rumors start?

DM: A imperial death squad is surrounding your apartment as we speak. Care to ask the question again?

MD: Is the Giambi issue a media creation?

DM: Unfortunately, Giambi brought this on himself. He's a good guy but not exactly the brightest bulb in the office.

MD: The Yanks got Felix Rodriguez and Mike Stanton to help an overworked bullpen. Rodriguez is hurt and Stanton is ineffective (as he should be because he was a spy for the Yankees all along). Is the bullpen an issue down the road?

DM: Stanton will be fine. He did his job well infiltrating and undermining the Mets cause and now he will rewarded richly for his service to the Empire. Jury is still out for Felix but I don't think we'll be needing him.

MD: Kevin Brown: useful, or useless?

DM: Useful so long as his back holds up. At this point in his career, he's a 100 pitch pitcher. But he can useful down the stretch for us so long as his psyche and back don't fold.

MD: Do you think the Yankee/Met battles hold as much luster for you as when the series first started, or even as much luster as where it was in 2000 and 2001? Or are Mets games just the h'or devours for Red Sox games at this point?

DM: It's still a big deal. The five fights in the stands today showed me that. As long as the two teams are competitive it will remain a big deal...as big as the Red Sox in some ways. This is family fighting. I went to a tailgate before and after the game and there were Met fans and Yankee fans from the same family laughing and drinking together. During the game, we were giving each other (expletive deleted)-loads of grief but after the game, we were laughing and drinking again. You live with the enemy, sleep with the enemy. Hope that they don't slit your throat in your sleep after your latest Keith Hernandez crack. Red Sox-Yanks is a blood feud between two regions. I can't imagine drinking with Sox fans after game 7 last year. Or vice versa. So to answer your question...Yes, it's still a great rivalry, but different from Sox-Yankees.

MD: Is the whole Pedro/Who's your daddy thing over?

DM: Pedro was frustrated and let them get into his head. He's a competitor. He'll be fine (today). He'll lose, but he'll pitch well.

MD: Why do Yankee fans take pleasure in the fact that Roger Clemens gave Mike Piazza a concussion, then threw splintered wood at him?

DM: Because at the time, Mets fans were in a pennant race vs the Braves and we were struggling to hold on to the very weak AL East. Mets fans were starting to feel their oats a bit and sense that the tide was turning. Whenever you won, you blew us out and when we won, we'd barely squeak by. In 1999, you did the unthinkable and beat Mo Rivera to win your first series at Shea. You split the season series that year. Clemens, at the time, was busy trying to fit in and stopped being the fire breathing dragon that he is. After Piazza lit him up the week before, he decided to say enough was enough and the Sith Lord in him came out. As horrified as many Yankee fans were when it happened and as unconvinced as many were of his conversion to the Dark Side. The enlightened of us knew exactly what this meant. It meant that the natural order of things was about to be restored and that the destruction of the rebel scum was at hand. After we destroyed Seattle in the ALCS, Clemens decided to give Piazza a reminder of who was boss. The rest of the series was merely a formality. Clemens reminded us of who we were and why we were on top. Sometimes it takes a former enemy to remind you of what you are and what it takes to stay there.

MD: Your prediction. On August first, what uniform is Clemens wearing?

DM: He won't be returning to the Empire

MD: Prediction for the rubber game?

DM: We'll beat Pedro (today) and win the series.

MD: Thank you Darth Marc.

DM: My pleasure, infidel.