Tea Totallers

And now, exclusive to you, are condensed highlights of Orlando Hernandez's performance against the Dodgers tonight...we start in the fourth inning:

Or were those Sunday's highlights?

And before you get on me for being fair weather, I'll remind you that as Met fans, you should understand that food tastes better, traffic moves faster, and air smells less smoggy when your favorite team wins.

When the Mets lose, we're grumpy. It's how we're wired.

I, my friends, am grumpy. And at this moment, I sincerely don't feel like putting things in perspective, keeping a happy face, turning the other cheek, noting that before tonight Hernandez has been nothing short of spectacular, or anything else that resembles positivity. This blog post, as are all blog posts, are not a reflection on how things will go the rest of the season, but rather a snap shot of how I feel at the moment. And guess how I feel right this very moment? I feel grumpy. I don't feel like spin doctoring, or being logical, or rational, or reminding myself (and you) that the Mets are still in first place. No, right now I feel like using Bugs Bunny as a metaphor for Orlando Hernandez.

Yes, Hernandez may be an innocent victim here, as the Mets lineup deserves scorn for not getting a hit past the sixth inning. And Paul Lo Duca deserves wrath for his idiotic throw to try to double up a runner after a squeeze play was foiled, costing them the fifth Dodger run. Even though it meant nothing, the play served as a microcosm of the horrible fate that has befallen the Mets since Doug Davis yo-yo'd them to death eight days ago. And you can't prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that after Lo Duca's mistake cost the Mets that insurance run that the air didn't come completely out of the Mets balloon.

But I can't find an appropriate video depicting a horrible throw to first base...and heaven knows I've tried (I even searched the term "midget toss", so don't tell me I haven't looked everywhere). Besides, Russell Martin taking over the All-Star balloting lead at catcher is probably punishment enough.

At a future date, hopefully not that far in the future, we'll all have a good laugh about this. We'll laugh as the hitting is good enough to overcome the pitching, and vice versa. But right now, the grumpiness seethes from my pores. I choose to embrace that. You may not, and that's your prerogative. Until further notice, and a couple of wins in a row, I'm grumpy.

All right, maybe a little positivity, but that's it.

No Birds Were Harmed In The Cooking Of The Mets' Collective Goose

In my younger days, we used to play softball in a magical place named Hoffman Park, tucked away behind the Boulevard of Death.

The problem that we often faced as softball players on the hard top surface was that every once in a while, some yahoo with bread crumbs would sit on the first base bench spreading bread crumbs and attracting every single seagull in Queens to have breakfast. So here we come to play and there would be birds everywhere. Fly balls were a problem, because you would look up for the ball and would have to dodge bird excrement instead.

How did we get rid of the birds? You never really got rid of them completely, but enough running around and pings off the bat usually did the trick. The same yahoo must have been at Comerica Park (or should I say Audubon Society Park today) with his bread crumbs making playing baseball in Detroit akin to playing catch on the Atlantic City Boardwalk.

Or playing softball at Hoffman Park.

But it's ironic that a stadium with big statues of scary Tigers all around (some with baseballs in their mouths depicting what would happen if a bird would get too close) could be prone to having birds just wander in and make themselves at home all over the outfield...or in somecases, across the infield. But I guess if birds were scared by mere statues, Alfred Hitchcock would have never had a career.

Speaking of irony, during a ball game that looked like an Alfred Hitchcock movie, the Mets came to the mound with a guy who looked more like Sterling Hitchcock today, as Tom Glavine waited until the fourth inning until a frame where he didn't even give up a run. I think we can safely assume that if one were to count the birds that roamed the outfield during today's ballgame, it would be a safe bet that the count would go not one higher than 295.

There's no reason for Glavine to be irritated at anybody but himself today. There's been talk about Glavine getting his jock in a bunch about bad defense and the like, but this was all on Tom today. The Mets are starting to fall into that pattern where they pitch well, but they don't hit. They hit, but they don't pitch well. Glavine had no excuses today, with Magglio Ordonez on the shelf as a late scratch, and Carlos Guillen leaving the game after the third inning with an injury. Instead, he gets beaten by Placido Polanco, and a protection-less Gary Sheffield. And another weekend comeback by the bats in the late innings (with help from Carlos Gomez's first major league home run) gets laid to waste.

And although the Mets scored seven runs today, they always seem to be one hit short these days. They seem to be leaving a ton of runs on the bases...including runners on third with less than two men out. One of those hits here and there would might have made this a winnable game. Instead, it was a football score on the wrong side as the Tigers scored more today than the Detroit Lions normally do.

Not So Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat

When you put too many nutshells on the head of a sleeping animal, he's bound to wake up and bare his fangs.

When you put too many balls in the middle of the plate, that same sleeping animal will put its fangs right into your ERA.

Sometimes, one ball down the middle is one ball too many...and Oliver Perez's meatball to Carlos Guillen woke up the sleeping animal as the Mets lost to the Tigers 8-7 on FOX's game of the week.

(The good part about the Mets being FOX's game of the week is that you know that FOX wanted a certain other pitcher to make his 2007 debut on their network...instead, he made his debut on a Saturday for another television outlet. It's like the spoiled debutant going to the prom with the average joe while the football star hits the town with the winner of the science fair...and the debutant is hanging out by the punch bowl all night seething while trying to sidle her way to the football star to make people believe that they're really together. Good for FOX.)

Ollie's subpar outing doesn't worry me as much as Guillermo Mota's awful performance. His implosion was such that it actually provided the Wilpons a blueprint on how to do the same to Shea Stadium in 2008. Mota's ERA is 8.10 now, and more than that, every game he's pitched in has been a Mets loss. So basically, even when he's pitching well, the Mets don't trust him to hold a lead...there are other pitchers on the pecking order when the Mets are ahead, such as Heilman (let's give credit where credit is due with two scoreless innings today), Joe Smith and Pedro Feliciano. Mota isn't quite the human white flag (that honor goes to Aaron Sele these days), but Mota is the guy who's trusted with a one or two run deficit, which is kind of like going up to someone, handing him the lint in your pocket, and asking him to look after it while you go to the bathroom.

Not exactly the pinnacle of responsibility.

***

I would like to touch on this whole Paul Lo Duca/Cole Hamels situation if I may. Lo Duca, as you remember, flipped the bat mightily after he hit the third of consecutive home runs for the Mets on Thursday. Undertaker also had a little hop in him as he crossed the plate. Hamels, who was touched up for the three dingers, had this to say:

"When I strike a guy out, I walk off. I don't fist pump. I don't try to show up their team," Hamels said. "You get to the major leagues, that's where you're supposed to show your class...It was a big moment. Maybe the excitement got the best of him. There was a lot of game left, as we saw."

Will Lo Duca pay?

"I have to be careful here," Hamels said, grinning evilly. "Let's just say, it could have been a mistake on his part."

I'm not going to even touch on the fact that a guy starting his 36th game in the majors is telling a 10 year veteran how to play the game.

To be fair, Lo Duca has complained in the past about Alex Rodriguez admiring a home run against Alay Soler last season. And I will say this, when Lo Duca flipped the bat on Thursday, I thought he was going to get thrown at in his next at-bat. He came up in the eighth inning with nobody on and two men out, and it would have been an opportune time for a brushback pitch...and dare I say you could make a case that it would have been fair. But guess what, it didn't happen. Your opportunity to respond in an honorable way is lost.

Cole Hamels is like the drunk guy at the party that comes up to you, gets in your face, and tells you repeatedly that he's going to kick your ass, and the method in which he'll do it. Well in the hood, if you spend too much time talking about it, and not enough time putting your theory into practice, you're going to come up against the wrong hombre...the guy who will punch first and ask questions later. Paul Lo Duca is that guy.

Cole, you're a great pitcher. But you're no Nat King...so don't sing it.

Just bring it.

Jorge Sosa: Stopper

Go figure.

After probably the most heartbreaking series that the Mets have seen in a good long while wrapped up at Shea, the Mets had some serious issues...with a trip to see the NL Central leaders looming, and their main competition in the division taking on the Cubs and the Royals. It didn't look good, especially after the Tigers, who are not only leading their division, but leading all of baseball in batting average (.290).

And as if the Mets needed more consternation, they had Ricky Ledee in the starting lineup.

Hopeless you say? I can't say that I blame you. Especially after Curtis Granderson led off the game with a base hit and you probably thought, like me, that the sky was going to continue to crumble and lie at your feet.

Luckily, Sosa would only give up three more hits in his eight innings of work in Friday night's 3-0 victory. And of those four total hits, only the Granderson hit came before there were two outs in the inning.

Funny, I was having a discussion the other day about Jorge Sosa, regarding which pitcher the Mets would send to the bullpen when/if Pedro Martinez makes his grand return. I said it during this conversation, and I'll say it here for you. How can you send Jorge Sosa to the bullpen with the way he's pitched? If eight shutout innings against a team hitting .290 coming in isn't enough proof that you can't send him to the bullpen, well then you're never going to be convinced. Of course, there's plenty of time to make that decision...and logic says that somebody isn't going to stay as good as they have been and will have to be exiled to the 'pen.

But if Sosa, Tom Glavine, Orlando Hernandez, John Maine and Oliver Perez are all still on top of their game come August, then why not Pedro Martinez to the bullpen?

Go figure.

***

Speaking of go figure, how about the Phillies...as Gary Cohen said during Friday's telecast...going back to being the Phillies, losing 6-4 to the Royals tonight? How about Pat Burrell...well on his way to achieving that 0 for 14 that I so callously predicted for him with an o for 4 tonight against Kansas City?

Bum.

And how about the Braves getting their heads and tails bashed in and kicked in respectively by the Cubs, who won 9-1 on the strength of three Alfonso Soriano dingers tonight? All of a sudden, the standings aren't as dire as they could have been.

***

And how about those hot dogs at Comerica? Boy do they look good. No wonder Dave Murray moved there.

***

How about this for a possible trade:

Aaron Heilman to Texas for anybody they have.

Don't misunderstand me, I'm not being vindictive here. But the Texas Rangers have the worst record in the league, and members of their bullpen are now serving as the last bits of clean meat on the carcass of a dead animal. Why not trade Heilman for somebody more comfortable in that eighth inning role...Akinori Otsuka, perhaps? Or let's go nuts and get Eric Gagne for the eighth inning, shall we? The Rangers, meanwhile, can use Heilman as their fifth starter to replace Kameron Loe...who is now 1-6 or somethin equally hideous, and Heilman can stay in the Rangers' control until 2010.

I'm just sayin'.

Phil Leotardo and Terry Pendleton: A Bond Shared In The Depths Of Hell

I know how The Sopranos is going to end!

Before the New Jersey crew can be whacked by the New York crew, the Philadelphia crew comes out of nowhere and whacks the New York crew!

Oh wait, that already happened!

I don't think you're giving enough credit to Philly (certainly the Met broadcasters were). They did it all...starters, bullpen, clutch hitting, defense. They really made a statement in this series. -Benny Agbayani

Yeah, they made a statement all right: "Go f**k yourselves, New York!"

(Let's assume that's the real Benny Agbayani...because it's more fun that way. Besides, my wife always liked him.)

All right Benny, here's the credit I'll give the Phillies: Chase Utley is a hell of a ball player. He plays the game the right way and he's a legitimate major league baseball superstar. Yeah, he's a Met killer, but not in the "I'm Pat Burrell and I'm a lifetime Met killer but against the rest of baseball I couldn't hit the broadside of a glacier" Met killer kind of way, but he's a Met killer in the sense that he's an equal opportunity assassin.

Jimmy Rollins? Yeah, he pissed off a lot of Met fans including myself. But let's face it, we've got a complex about not getting the respect we so richly deserve in this city. So when Jimmy Rollins made that "best team on paper" remark, we didn't exactly take it in stride. But Jimmy Rollins never said anything bad about us...no matter if he thinks these things or not. And why should he care what we think? He's a damn good ballplayer too.

Cole Hamels? Damn good.

Ryan Howard? Even though we're not seeing it this season so far, he's also a mighty fine ballplayer.

And if you offered me multiple Aaron Rowands I'd take them (as long as I could still have Jose Reyes and David Wright and both Carloses and Paul Lo Duca...so I'd really only need two or three.)

So now here's what pisses me off about the Phillies...

Who is Yoel Hernandez and why can't the Mets hit him?

Mike Zagurski? Are you kidding me? I know the Mets are down to their fifth, sixth, and ninth outfielders, but Mike Zagurski??? Guy looks like Terry Forster on an Atkins diet.

Antonio Alfonseca? Three saves out of three chances? He replaced Brett Myers as the closer because Brett Myers...you know I mind as well tell you the truth: Antonio Alfonseca ate Brett Myers (before picking the remnants from his teeth with both of his extra fingers).

Oh don't get me started on Pat Burrell...

"It's one of those things...I can't explain." -Pat Burrell

Yuk yuk, oh shucks...I don't know? Which way did he go George?

Jeez, now watch him torch the Royals pitching staff for a big fat 0 for 14, can he explain that?

I can't get on Country Time. He's been money for the Mets all season, and it really, really, sucks that this was his hiccup. I mean, what a way to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the Terry Pendleton home run...by reaching back through time and shaking hands with Roger McDowell. (Ironic that on the Yahoo! front page, the lead story has to do with how Billy Wagner gives the Mets an edge over the Tigers and their struggling bullpen this weekend...meanwhile the Mets lost three games because of their bullpen, and the Tigers won tonight. That's just what I want to see...greeeeeeeat!!!)

And I can't even get on Scott Schoeneweis. Normally, I would...you know me. But damn, how insensitive would I be if I railed on a guy who, it was just revealed, has been pitching with a severed tendon in his leg? Severed!!! I can't do it. Can't! He's going out there pitching in complete pain and there's nothing he can do about it. You can talk about the contract all you want and how he's not living up to it. But he's trying to work through it through pain. And it's not like the pain that two weeks rest is going to help (or not, if you're Moises Alou...would it help if he peed on his quad? Hey, I'm just asking). It's the kind of pain that just has to be negotiated and worked through. His stats suck, but the guy's got a little warrior in him...I gotta give him that.

But I'm still peeved at Aaron Heilman.

Don't tell me I have no right.

And I'm peeved that on a night where the Mets hit three dingers in a row, they turn around and let them recover from it...while the Mets can't recover from any big hits that the Phillies get...especially against the Phillies bullpen. It's awful. And if the Mets can't hit it, they're awful too...at least they're awful right now. But it can't last, can it? Jose Valentin is back, albeit with a brace (and no mustache...don't mess with the karma gods, Jose...remember what happened when Keith Hernandez shaved his mustache in '87...damn these 1987 parallels)...and Shawn Green is coming back on Sunday. Lastings Milledge is even out of his boot. The troops are coming back...it's going to get better, right?

Terry Pendleton, please get out of my life...please?

Seventh Hell

A little clarity, a little more time to think, and a little bit of alcohol got me thinking about Tuesday night's game. And the one recurring theme in my mind was this: With Geoff Geary on the mound in a tie game, and the heart of your order at the plate, you have to win. You have to find a way to scratch one run home. It's inexcusable for the Mets not to have done that.

So Wednesday night, here we are again. Geoff Geary on the mound, and this time the Mets are down by a run with runners on second and third and nobody out. I stress one more time: You have to beat Geoff Geary.

If this was 2006, Geary is beaten down like a minor leaguer. Earlier this season, Geary was beaten down like a minor leaguer. Now? Well not only do the Mets go down meekly in the home half of the seventh inning, they go down spectacularly...in flames even. They go down with seemingly their last outfielder standing healthy getting shot by a sniper...the hamstring sniper...while beating out a double play to bring home the tying run (which really should have scored with nobody out and Ryan Howard sprawling to smother the Julio Franco grounder with Ruben Gotay already halfway home, but that's another issue altogether).

They say that Endy Chavez's hamstring is "strained". I'd hate to see what an actual tear would have looked like. Would he have been taken off on a wheelchair like Dwyane Wade? And with that, the curse of the Shea outfield continues, with Shawn Green still hurt and Moises Alou taking his sweet time getting back to the lineup (even though at his age, time should be a terrible thing to waste). Don't be surprised if Alou makes a slightly sooner than expected return to the lineup tomorrow (calls to Eric Valent, Gerald Williams, and Brian McRae were not immediately returned).

Of course, the bottom of the seventh is moot without the top of the seventh, and the latest meltdown by Aaron Heilman (which I suspect was a jinx job by Keith Hernandez...first he goes on and on about what a great job Pedro Feliciano had done this season before he gave up the home run to Chase Utley, and tonight he waxes poetic on how much better Aaron Heilman has been lately before he goes ka-boom with a three run explosion in the top of the inning...thanks a lot Keith).

If this game had happened in September, it would have been devastating. Terry Pendelton like, even. That game had Ron Darling's injury (the same Ron Darling who was in Shea Stadium's version of the penalty box announcing the game tonight...was that his Anaheim Duck homage?), this had Endy's injury. That game had Pendleton's blast, this game had Jimmy Rollins' three run HR off Heilman. The only thing that game had that this one didn't, thankfully, was the month of September. But think of the life that the Mets just gave the Phillies tonight...you thought Jimmy Rollins was confident coming into the season? His confidence is sky high right now...do we really want that? And now, if we didn't have enough Cole Hamels Facts, here's another one: The Mets have to beat him on Thursday just to save themselves from a sweep. They can't hit Geoff Geary or Adam Eaton right now (Adam Eaton, for crying out loud...Adam Eaton!!!) We're really expecting them to beat Cole Hamels?

The Mets have deserved the benefit of the doubt all season. And as horiffic as Wednesday's game was, they're still 3 and a half ahead of Atlanta. But the pulse of the team can't be good after their first three game losing streak of the season. And at some point a good team like this has to sit back and ask themselves what they need to do to right the ship. With the schedule in June as brutal as it is (starting with Detroit on Friday and on from there), games like Wednesday's needed to be won.