Saturday, December 22, 2007

The Hex Revealed

Yesterday was a cold, crisp, lazy day with nothing to do except continue to wonder how the Mets could have blown a seven game lead with seventeen games to play.

I tried to forget about it by watching that Kevin Costner movie: JFK, but instead I was more obsessed with conspiracy theories and what not, that frantically after watching the movie, I pored through old game tapes to look for something ... anything ... that could explain what happened. Swing hitches, flawed deliveries, boxes in the dugout marked HGH ... hours and hours of nothing.

Then finally, I stumbled upon something that shed some new light. But I couldn't have seen what I thought I saw, did I? Over, and over, and over again I re-racked the tape, and it was there every time. I still can't believe it, and you're not going to either. Ready? Look below:

Jessica Simpson! I knew it!

It makes perfect sense when placed upon the backdrop of what happened to Tony Romo last week. But wanting to make sure it wasn't a one time thing, I had the crack staff go through the archives, and you're not going to believe what they found:

Holy jumpin' ... I was at that game!

I know, I was skeptical too. But I haven't even gotten to the most damning evidence yet! Check this out, before she was Tony Romo's jinx, she ruined another career:

Steroids? No ... turns out it was Jessica all along. (Rumor has it she was seen at the Mets clubhouse store last July ordering a "SANCHEZ 50" jersey.)

That's right, the last game. There she was. How else could a future hall-of-famer give up seven runs in a third of an inning?

I guess it all started with that Sports Illustrated cover:

Oh, and that Yadier Molina home run? Turns out Aaron Heilman was a touch distracted.

No, I don't know how she got in front of the fence either ... nor do I know how she got that whipped cream past Shea's tight security. It must be part of her evil plan.

(Editor's Disclaimer: The preceding post is a commentary on the ridiculousness of the media's insane amount of coverage of Terrell Owens' off-handed comments regarding Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo. Any implication of Jessica Simpson as this planet's bad luck charm is unintended by the author.)


Charity said...

I just about peed myself laughing...thats just the start I needed to this morning! Thanks!

Anonymous said...

upstate met fan said...


jessica simpson is the devil.. she's got 666 branded on her arss.

On other news:

Padilla signs minor league contract. Good! the kid should get another shot. Well.. he's not a kid anymore, he spent his youth on the DL.

Demitri said...

Nice photoshop work. I like the motion blurred jessica in the Phillies game.

Is there any symbolism to the fact that you replaced Lo Duca with JS?

Emma said...

I can already tell, that image of Lo Duca with Jessica Simpson's face will haunt my nightmares for decades to come. Thanks for that.

Metstradamus said...

If I've touched, but one life...

katherine said...

Metstradamus, your blog was functioning in October as a Met Fan Suicide Prevention Center.

You may have saved hundreds of lives.

Demitri said...

Its a real support group-just like for any other unhealthy addiction.

My name is Demitri, and I am a Mets fan.

katherine said...

I notice that one of the news articles listed in the margin of Metstradamus today is the Daily News, "Mets fans' winter of discontent".

Didn't Demitri use that line in a comment last month? I think they're reading blogs and stealing the best lines. Either that or they like Shakespeare, which seems less likely to me.

Demitri said...

Well- I'd love to take credit, but I lifted it from Shakespeare.

katherine said...

I looked up the whole quote and got a big jolt of surprise- Richard isn't actually complaining about the winter - he's saying that the bad winter turned into a great summer:

"Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer"

Possibly this is a good omen for the Mets, though I would feel better if he had said something about the postseason.

Demitri said...

Steinbeck lifted it from Shakespeare though, and that was the context I was thinking of. Or course, I'm not familiar with what Steinbeck was trying to say either.

I also looked up the quote from Richard III. I noticed the 13th line:

"To the lascivious pleasing of a lute."

The second conspicuous appearance of the word lascivious in as many posts has got to mean something.

Anonymous said...

Why don't you Mets fans realize the Mets are old and falling apart and the Phils are a young upcoming team.

Metstradamus said...

Have you read this blog lately?