Job Opening

Rey: Taxi!

(Shags cab and enters)

Cabbie: Where to?

Rey: Shea Stadium.

Cabbie: Umm, you know that place don't exist no more.

Rey: Huh?

Cabbie: Yeah, they tore that down, the Mets don't play there no more.

Rey: Then take me to wherever the heck they play.

Cabbie: Umm, you know they're on the road right now.

Rey: I know ... I also no they have no more shortstops left. So I figured I have a chance to play.

Cabbie: Oh yeah, and what's your credentials?

Rey: Are you kidding, I was part of the greatest infield ever!

Cabbie: Please. Where was that, Franklin High? Now the '99 Mets, that was the greatest infield ever.

Rey: I know! I was on that infield!

Cabbie: Yeah right. Who do you think you are, Rey Ordonez?

Rey: Yeah! I'm Rey Ordonez.

Cabbie: Well hello Rey! I'm John Olerud. Let me put on my batting helmet. Heh heh heh.

Rey: No, I'm serious!

Cabbie: Okay, you're Rey Ordonez. Whatever. Look, it's going to take more than one loss to get the Mets to let a guy off the street ... oh, sorry, "former world class athlete" to play shortstop

Rey: Look, I can still catch the ball. I can't hit, but I never could hit. But the Mets lost not only the game but like ... eight shortstops to injury. It's time to come back and be a Met again.

Cabbie: Please.

Rey: Just leave me off right here, in front of the rotunda.

Cabbie: I hope you get the job.

Rey: Thanks (pays and leaves).

Cabbie: He don't tip like no major leaguer.

(Rey rushes to the offices, but finds out he's too late to re-claim his job.)

"F&%k!"

Fly Ollie To The Moon

There has been a lot of justified whining over the re-scheduling of Sunday night's game from a 1PM to an 8PM affair, meaning a late night cross-country flight without a day off. It's justified because unlike the Mets and the Dodgers, ESPN had matchups to choose from between two teams that weren't traveling anywhere the next day (like the Red Sox and Orioles).

But don't blame ESPN for Monday night's brutal loss which featured a six run Giants first inning courtesy of Ollie Perez, because Perez flew to San Francisco at least a day beforehand!

And don't blame jet lag for Ollie Perez's flat and fat fastball, because his fastball has been flat and fat pretty much all season. The only fielders that needed to be awake in the first inning were the fans in the left field bleachers. And I think they had a pep in their step.

And don't blame Carlos Muniz (as Keith Hernandez did) for taking the wind out of the Mets' sails when he gave up four runs and when the game was already halfway out the door in the sixth and seventh. Because Carlos Muniz is a AAA pitcher (literally, as it was made official after the game that Muniz is down to make room for Pedro Martinez.)

Meanwhile, Perez is going to get a gazillion dollar contract next season ... even after Glavining up that first inning on Monday. (I mean really, Oliver ... Brian f***ing Horwitz?)

There has been some discussion from the pundits about whether Omar Minaya needs to make a trade that will change the face of the team midseason, a-la 2004 when Theo Epstein traded Nomar Garciaparra to the Cubs and everybody thought he was insane before the Red Sox went on to sweep the Yankees (in games 4-7) and go on to win the Series. If Minaya is to make a trade like this, it is now painfully clear that it has to involve Perez. No, Perez isn't the pitching equivalent of the 2004 version of Nomar Garciaparra. Nomar, though hurt that season (and every season since) was a .300 hitter in '04. No, Oliver Perez isn't even the pitching equivalent of flippin' Rey Ordonez right now.

So no, there's no Orlando Cabreras to be had for Perez. They'd be lucky to get Doug Mientkiewicz (yes, he was part of the Nomar deal). But Perez is going to be someone else's problem anyway next season, as Scott Boras is going to get some sucker to pay Carlos Silva money to get him and his "potential" on the free agent market next season.

He's got potential to throw in-game batting practice is what he's got. And if there's any chance that the Mets could get anything better than the compensatory draft picks they would get by losing Ollie to a city that has his SoCal comfort zone vibe going, even if it's for dimes on the dollar then Omar should really think about pulling the trigger and giving someone other than me (and Rick Peterson) headaches.