The Trade Expands

It seems that this alleged trade involving Miguel Tejada, the Mets, Manny Ramirez, the Orioles, and Danys Baez has gotten out of hand.

So here's what my sources have been able to ascertain: The Devil Rays would get Aaron Heilman and Jae Seo, The Red Sox would get shortstop Miguel Tejada from Baltimore and center fielder Joey Gathright from the D-Rays. Baltimore would get Julio Lugo from Tampa as its shortstop and possibly starters Kris Benson from the Mets and Matt Clement from the Sox. And then Manny Ramirez would go to the Mets.

But it doesn't end there.

The Red Sox would then deal Tejada to the Cubs for Mark Prior and Rich Hill, and then the Mets would trade Manny Ramirez and Lastings Milledge to the Angels for Vladimir Guerrero. The Angels then would turn around and wheel Ramirez and Darin Erstad to the Kansas City Royals for a package including Jeremy Affeldt, Mike MacDougal, Zack Greinke, Billy Butler, the fountains, and George Brett's consulting services.

The Royals, not being able to afford Ramirez, would then trade him to the Texas Rangers for Brad Wilkerson, Adam Eaton, and Gerald Laird. The Royals would then trade Eaton and Laird to the Nationals for Alfonso Soriano, granting Soriano's wish to return to the American League, filing it under the category of "be careful what you wish for". Texas would then wheel Manny to the Milwaukee Brewers for Carlos Lee, Derrick Turnbow, and the Miller Brewery. But league sources say that Bud Selig would veto that trade due to the fact that it involves too much beer. So in the next part of the trade, Manny would then go to Arizona with Orlando Hudson and Shawn Green going to the Rangers, and Conor Jackson going to the Twins for Torii Hunter.

Here's where it gets complicated.

The Diamondbacks would then turn around and trade Manny to the Astros for Adam Everett, Chris Burke, Andy Pettitte, and the foghorn. Houston would then trade Ramirez to the Phillies for Bobby Abreu and Tom Gordon, righting a wrong they committed many moons ago. The Phils, in a three way trade would then trade Manny to the Philadelphia Eagles, with Terrell Owens going to the Indiana Pacers, and Ron Artest going to the Phillies, (where he will no doubt proceed to get himself suspended for the season after he beats Santa Claus to within an inch of his life). The Eagles would then trade Manny to the Houston Texans for the number one draft pick and the rights to USC running back Reggie Bush. The Texans would then trade Manny to...



The New England Patriots...for Corey Dillon, Troy Brown, and three fifths of the offensive line.

So everybody wins. Manny can stay in Boston, and get his wish to go unnoticed because nobody in Boston pays attention to the Patriots until Super Bowl week anyway.

My sources tell me that this trade could be announced within the week...except if it's not.