My Country Tis Of Thee

Let's get one thing straight before I continue:

I love my country.

I support my country.

I know the words to our national anthem.

So you will forgive me if I don't get excited about this World Baseball Tournament. (I refuse to call it a "classic". Classics, to me, must exist for at least 10 years and must be, oh I don't know, popular, to be conisdered a classic. Marketing does not make something "classic".)

And you'll even forgive me when I tell you this: I might very well root against the United States if this WBT is even played.

Traitor to my country? Not one bit. But I'm sorry, there's two points I need to make here:

1. I don't care about the World Baseball Tournament. In fact, the fact that Pedro Martinez's toe might very well explode while pitching at this meaningless tournament gives me frequent heartburn and agita. And...
2. If I did care about the World Baseball Tournament, I would have to turn it off about three innings in after the endless packaged vignettes about why Derek Jeter is the greatest American in America.

You want to tell me that I should root for America because I love my country? I will tell you that I will root root root for the home team when the hockey guys hit the ice in Turin. And yes, there is a difference. You see, even though the USA Hockey team will contain various Islanders, Devils and Flyers playing for them, the sport of hockey moves so fast and flows so seamlessly that the team on the ice and on the bench acts as one unit...the United States of America. You hardly notice the faces...you just notice the sweater; Red White and Blue flying around so quick that all you see is the United States of America. And truthfully, I can get behind Rick DiPietro and Scott Gomez and Robert Esche for a couple of weeks. It's like broccoli, I'm not going to necessarily choose to eat it, but it isn't going to kill me.

Not only can I not get behind Derek Jeter for a minute...let alone seventeen days, you know that whoever puts this meaningless tournament on television will use the many breaks between innings and pitches to hypnotize us into believing that there are only three players on the whole team, as the viewing public will get a heaping dose of Jeter, Roger Clemens, and Barry Bonds.

Hate, hate, and more hate.

Billy Wagner is there? I don't want him pitching either. Another reason to root for the good ol' USA to get their brains beat in by the fourth inning.

David Wright is there? Great! Guess who he'll be playing behind? That's right, Larry Jones.

Larry Jones, who had an illegitimate child with a Hooter's waitress, does not represent my America.

Roger Clemens, who threw a splintered bat at another human being, does not represent my America.

Barry Bonds, who owns an entire corner of his lockerroom, is surrounded by steroid rumors, is a curmudgeon to his teammates and the general public, and is only playing in this meaningless tournament because the powers that be decided that instituting the designated hitter rule will bring Bonds to the tournament and generate more revenue, does not represent my America.

And Jeter?

Well I just plain don't like him.

And will Alex Rodriguez play for the United States? Will he play for the Dominican Republic? I have the answer:

I DON'T CARE!

Alex Rodriguez is a Yankee. To me, he's not American, he's not Dominican. He's a Yankee. And I don't want him playing with David Wright any more than I wan't him playing with Pedro Martinez. It's a simple theory: I don't want my guys mixing with their guys. And that is just one more reason why I cannot watch the World Baseball Tournament.

God Bless America, my home sweet home. Go Venezuela!

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Some questions I need answered, because even soothsayers don't know everything...

Why is it that when Tiki Barber steps in front of a podium and says "we got outcoached", there's outcry from East Rutherford to Charlottesville; But when Roger Clemens tells Karl Ravech on a golf course that "we still need a lot of firepower", which basically is code for "The Astros front office is getting out-officed", not a peep from anybody? Is it:

• Because we, as a society, are afraid of roid rage?
• Blatent racism?
• Because everyone is too busy kissing his trackmarked ass hoping he'll return to major league baseball to help sell this hokey World Baseball Classic and the All-Star Game?
• Because if someone says something, Clemens will come to his house and throw him out of the window like in the SportsCenter spot?
• Because Clemens was a Yankee?
• All of the above?
• None of the above?

What then?

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I realize nobody is going to roll out the red carpet for Mike Pelfrey. But for Pete's sake, couldn't somebody have erased the whiteboard in the asbestos filled room so the backdrop to Pelfrey's first ever Met news conference doesn't read "8:30 meeting"?

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Who will be the first idiot to read this, and still wonder aloud if Billy Wagner can "handle the pressures of New York" after his first blown save?

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Where the hell is Erik Love? Falcons go 9-7 and he jumps off a building or something? C'mon man, suck it up!

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And why did Goose Gossage feel to need to perform his Paul O'Neill impression after the hall of fame snubbed him? Typical Yankee sense of entitlement...waaah waaah waaah!