Slow Pitch

Has there seriously been talk of Barry Bonds being signed by the Mets?

Seriously?

All right, let's put aside the fact that after a full night of rooting for a Mets team with Barry Bonds as a member would dictate that you take a full scrub bath with iodine after leaving Shea Stadium at night. Put aside your moral qualms for just a second here: At this point what's left of his career, Barry Bonds is a softball player. He plays seven innings, he jogs around the bases, and defense is an afterthought. This is the best the Mets can do to replace Moises Alou?

I advocate a deal for Xavier Nady if that's what it comes down to. But ... if it's a softball player the Mets are after, they have other options. Let's look at some as we do our part to spare the Mets the P.R. nightmare and media coverage bloodsucker known as Barry Bonds:

Jennie Finch, USA: The conversation starts and ends here when it comes to softball players. Finch went 32-0 in 2002 for the University of Arizona, and 15-0 for the U.S. National team in 2004. She would immediately slide into the role of 5th starter for the Mets. And she solves the age issue as she's young enough to be Orlando Hernandez's grand-daughter.

Kaitlin Cochran, Arizona State: She's only a sophomore, but she's already demolished the record books in the Pac 10, with a slugging percentage of .838 and 35 HR's in 377 career AB's. In a sport dominated by pitching, this is an accomplishment. Two problems here though: She's a lefty, and her favorite team is the Dodgers ... which tells me that she'd want to play for a west coast team anyway.

Dusty Diamond, Nintendo: I'm still trying to figure out whether Dusty Diamond is real, or just an old Nintendo video game, but it's addicting nonetheless.

Les Nessman, WKRP in Cincinnati: The guy I really want is the guy from that softball episode who caught line drives at third base with a beer can in his throwing hand. But since we have David Wright (and since Bailey Quarters isn't available ... I asked), we'll take Nessman who made a spectacular catch to end the episode in right field.

Metstradamus, Hoffman Park: Admittedly, I'm way past my prime, which lasted about two days. But I'm right-handed, I once hit .400 in a season, and spent most of my time playing first base ... although I can spell Luis Castillo and David Wright once in a while. I even had a walk-off hit robbed from me as a speedy runner was inexplicably held at third on a single to center field.

And, I'm young enough to be Julio Franco's grandson.

Please submit your suggestions here.

Mets Already 0-1 In '08

I wasn't hopeful about The Celebrity Apprentice. Frankly I thought the show, which had lost steam after the bizarre season in Los Angeles and not being on the air in practically a full year, had no chance.

But with the dearth of programming on right now, and with nothing to do until Rangers vs. Canucks at 10:00, we gave tonight's premiere a whirl. And I have to say that this soothsayer was very pleasantly surprised. I mean, we're not talking about television that's going to make you reflect on your life, but in a "Celebrity Fit Club" kinda way, it works.

(Editor's Note: If you do plan on watching the show online or if you DVR'd the show, I'm not going to reveal which celebrity was fired, but there is a ... SPOILER ALERT BELOW!!!)

The teams, divided into men vs. women, had to sell hot dogs for their first task ... the team that made the most money won the match. The women's team, finally coming to their senses near the end, decided to use their celebrity to sell hot dogs and bottles of water for $5,000 a pop. Olympic softballer Jennie Finch just happened to have in her cell phone the phone number of a certain Mets third baseman to help out.

David Wright, as if he was wearing a cape and using his x-ray vision, bought out the hot dog cart near the end of the challenge and started passing out free hot dogs to help Jennie Finch lead her team to certain victory.

Umm, except for one thing: The Men's team already had Finch and Wright beat by about $40,000.

So April hasn't even arrived and the Mets are already 0-1 in 2008. So since September 12th, the Mets blew a seven game lead, had a terrible off-season, and their best player couldn't even lead a Celebrity Apprentice team to victory. This winter just keeps getting better and better. (Next month, see Ruben Gotay lose to Mario Lopez in the first round of "Danny Bonaduce's Celebrity Checkers".)

But at least we learned that David Wright is a charitable lad who's in Jennie Finch's Five. For that, we can be thankful.

Update: Thanks to a valiant reader, here's the clip:



(Editor's note: The Mets are now 0-2 all time in Apprentice episodes.)