National Cruelty

As the season drags to a close, we find our latest irony: Mike Pelfrey getting tagged by the Marlins, while Livan Hernandez ... yes, that Livan Hernandez ... giving up just two runs in six innings, including none in the first inning. None.

Umm, Mr. Lord of Baseball, why are you so cruel to me? Why must you continue to make me cry? Livan Hernandez?

And speaking of Livan, don't you find it ironic that he's been the healthy one this season, and as it turns out he was the one in the car wreck?

It's entirely possible the Mets may never win again this season. But let's look at the only positive we'll ever take from a 2009 Mets game going forward: no player was hurt. Mets bloggers including myself, however, weren't so lucky.

But you know the next injury is coming. And I think I've found the next culprit: gum!

A Vasco da Gama player ended up in hospital after colliding with an opponent and choking on his chewing gum during a second division match in Brazil. Striker Aloisio lost consciousness for a few moments as he collapsed to the ground after challenging for the ball in the second half of Vasco's 1-0 win over Brasiliense on Tuesday. Doctors said he sustained a head injury and stopped breathing momentarily as the chewing gum obstructed his airways. (...) "I only remember the doctor taking the gum out. I have never been scared like this — no more chewing gum for me."

Knowing this team, it'll probably be hard candy like a Jolly Rancher. Or a mouth full of pizza. But don't be scared ... the incident isn't going to be life threatening. It's not like this team hasn't had experience with choking. Concussions, they'll screw up. Choking? No problem.

Well, as the glue from my Felix Millan mustache is making me light-headed, it's time for a few days off to get my bearings straight. Don't worry, I'm not flying to Denver, and I'll be back for regular duty on Sunday. But until then stay tuned for a special report from Billy Wagner's first day in Boston!

Met Whisperer

Baseball would make me cry if I wasn't laughing so hard.

I myself am still getting over the fact that a guy who shut the Mets down in Citizens Bank Shoebox goes to Florida and can't get an out.

And now, I'm faced with baseball's latest joke: a team that suffered three of the most heartbreaking losses in a row...ever...goes into the stadium where seasons go to die with the division hanging in the balance...and throw in everybody and their mother burying them.

And they sweep the Atlanta Braves. (At least someone's season was buried. For once, it wasn't the one from Flushing.)

Oh, and they do so with an 0-7 rookie pitching the middle game. (Insert rim shot here.)

Speaking of which (and I realize this is a day late but...), memo to Jeff Francoeur: shut up and take your base. Pelfrey didn't mean to hit you. And honestly, I wish he did mean it. Nothing personal Jeff, you were just in the way. But the Mets are too nice, and who better than a 0-7 rookie to act like the bad guy, even if it was unintentional. In other words, the Mets need to make like Cesar (Don't call me Felix) Millan and reassert their dominance. And if that means urinating around the mound like the dogs on Cesar's show, then so be it.

The Mets urinated all over Turner Field this weekend, and in the process, reasserted their dominance in the N.L. East.

It just goes to show you how funny baseball really is. After four games in Philadelphia, did anybody see this coming? Anybody? Beating Tim Hudson and John Smoltz? Anyone?

By the same token, with this new wave of emotion hitting us, does anybody see a disaster happening in Cincinnati? With Pedro Martinez returning to us tomorrow, I betcha don't see it coming. Hey, all I'm saying is not to be surprised with whatever happens on Labor Day. Five innings, 1 run, seven K's? Don't be surprised. Two innings, six runs, one strikeout? Don't be surprised...or else the joke's on you.

Woof.