Thursday, April 24, 2008

Lower Learning

Distinguished Notre Dame Faculty,

I write to you with the utmost respect and admiration. I am a great admirer of all of your accomplishments. For example, your graduation rate of 95 percent is exceeded by only Harvard and Princeton. Your 98 percent retention rate between the freshman and sophomore years is among the highest in the country, thanks in large part to the University's unique First Year of Studies Program. Your graduates are accepted into medical schools at a rate of about 75 percent, almost twice the national average. Your sociology department ranks fifth in the nation when it comes to placing articles in the discipline's top three journals. I could go on and on.

So I would like to ask you this: With all of these accomplishments, how did your fine university manage to turn out somebody as stupid as Aaron Heilman?

Any ideas?

"You'd think he dominates all the time, but he gets in jams ... The thing that sets him apart is that he has the ability to raise his game ... The great ones can do that."

That was a quote from your former baseball coach, Paul Mainieri. The amazing part of that quote is that he actually said this about Aaron Heilman. And I haven't found any proof otherwise (believe me, I tried), so I can only assume that Mr. Mainieri is talking about the same Aaron Heilman that is single-handedly driving us all to drink with his uncanny ability not to raise his game under pressurized circumstances.

So my question is what happened between then and now that he became not so bright? Doesn't the University of Notre Dame have academic standards? Aren't the teachings of your fine institution supposed to stay with your alumni for a few dozen years ... or at least until senility sets in?

Maybe it's set in already.

Maybe the stuff you taught him was replaced with all those Rick "I'll fix him in ten minutes" Peterson metaphors, and maybe he's just supremely confused.

But "great one"? Yes, great ones have the ability to raise their game, not give up two run singles and grand slams to middle infielders on teams that can't hit, as he did Thursday night. So I'm wondering, is this your doing? Or were your teachings somehow forgotten? Does Aaron need to take correspondence courses? Has he been brainwashed?

Please do what you can to rectify this situation.



Do I really need to explain the Heil-o-meter tonight? Apparently Heilman was demoted to the sixth inning, and he still couldn't find his stuff. The Mets are running out of innings to slot him in. Maybe he can be the first inning guy. Think about it: He'd be happy because he's technically a starting pitcher, and then he could be yanked for the real starting pitcher in the second. Or, perhaps he could be the 19th inning specialist. Think about how important the 19th inning is! You know, all of a sudden, I miss Jose Lima.


Kermit said...

My brother wite this poem/song and sent it to me on April 27th, 2003
Seems apropo now:

Sung to, well you'll figure it out:

Beat the mets! Beat the Mets! Head for the park and beat the Mets! Ground-balls, line-drives, none of them played
Can Armando Benitez for once make a save?
Well the Mets can't seem to put the bat on the the ball
While Ordonez has hit it 3 times over the wall!
Montreal, Atlanta, LA, Yanks, and Florida
LETS GO METS, that's the cheer, among the NEW YORK METS...

MetFanMac said...

“We’re just kind of sputtering around a little bit." -- W. Randolph

"Duhrr..." -- Me

Anonymous said...

I have no idea what's up with Heilman. The pitch to Lopez looked like a fat jiucy meatball to me on the replay.

You mentioned the Jacket. I find it curious that Mota is doing not too badly right now with the Brewers, having given up just one earned run in 10 innings of work. When interviewed, Mota commented that the Jacket had tinkered with his delivery having him set himself lower and throwing with more of a side-arm delivery. The pitching coach with the Brewers had Mota go back to his old delivery and throwing more overhand so Mota can get more downward movement on his pitches and that seems to have made a difference.

I'm sure there have been many instances over the last few years where Peterson has helped pitchers but he seems to have hurt a few guys as well. Wonder if his influence on Heilman has been positive or negative.

Toasty Joe said...

Wow, and uncharacteristically pointed rip-job by Metstradamus today.

I like it.

Toasty Joe said...


The Metmaster said...

"Don't Play Like Heilman Today" Brilliant.
I don't care about all the "great stuff" he supposedly has that is endlessly mentioned by teammates, Randolph, The Jacket, etc. As long as he pitches with his head as empty as The Golden Dome he is gonna get rocked. Sadly, I don't see that changing any time soon. Aaron Heilman is what he is. A choking boob. That's not thunder being shaken down from the skies Aaron, it's Met fans booing the shit out of you, dumbass!

Charity said...

Aaron Heilman is beyond words at this moment.

I seriously can't even fathom how someone who is supposededly "so good" sucks so much.

I seem him warming up in the bullpen and I cringe, I physcially get sick to my stomache because I know all that hard work that our starter has put in will be flushed down the drain before the 3rd out.

I didn't think I could dislike someone so much but dear god just trade him, banish him, wrap him up with a bow and send him to another team for a freaking Nathans hotdog, I don't care just get him out of the clubhouse. He's worthless.

BTW I stole your pic of the woman cringing over Heilman and its now my profile picture on most pages.

I really hate him.

Anonymous said...

Let's not let Ollie, Sosa, Reyes and Delgado off the hook on this one. Those were some pitiful performances too.

Was Heilman a sociology major? Maybe he's studying the social interaction between his change-up and the fat part of bats.

Anonymous said...

I don't know if I'd call it stupidity...

Aaron seemed pretty well aware after the game that he had made some pretty bad pitches. He also seems pretty well aware that he is currently in the worst stretch of his career, right now. I don't think he's *trying* to throw meatballs.

And all this talk about Aaron being worthless seems more than a tad overblown. If the past few years are any indication, he is more than capable of going on an awful run like this and then being unhittable for the next two months or so. This just happens to be the worst rough patch he's encountered.

If I'm Willie, I give Aaron a few days off to clear the head, maybe bring him in in some kind of no-pressure situation. Of course, we all know this will not happen, as Willie has explicitly told us time and time again that the first two months of the season are for "letting his guys work it out", rather than "winning games".

I will be at the game tonight. I will not boo Aaron Heilman. Maybe the guy just needs a hug?

Jim said...

Mestradamus, I love you. I don't know how else to say it. I hate Aaron Heilman like I've never hated any other professional athlete in my life. Where is Mel Rojas when we need him?

metswalkoffs said...

One of your best ever...

wa2k99 said...

It's getting harder and harder to rad your blogs. Heilman has been lousy, no doubt. But stupid? Think before you write.

sheaitaintso said...

While I'm not sure about Heilman's IQ, he does sport the sad expression of a whipped dog every time he's on the mound. Perhaps he need to work on developing a mean streak and start drilling some hitters when he comes in a game. At this point, they should try anything with this guy.

katherine said...

Unser, I was thinking the same thing. I have resigned myself to Aaron imploding in those situations - whether it happens in the sixth or the eight inning doesn't matter much. But I find myself really losing patience with Oliver Perez. He seems to have a really adolescent attitude (am I just imagining this?) of " If you make a big deal out of how I need to go 7 innings, I'll be a big baby and walk people all over the place and have to be taken out in the 5th."

Deb said...

Aaron Heilman is not even worthy of comparison to Armando Benitez at this point; and let me just say here that I loathe Armando Benitez with every fiber of my being.

And Heilman isn't even worthy of being compared with Benitez.

Pretty f'n sad, huh?

Anonymous said...

Yup. I agree Katherine. And this guy's expecting a big contract next year? A top starting pitcher staked to a three run lead in the 5th inning against the worst team in the NL is supposed to close the deal . . . or at least avoid walking the ball park.

And Sosa? Why exactly is this guy still on the team? He was a main offender in last year's collapse and he's done nothing this year except give up tape measure shots to light hitting infielders. I'd rather have Muniz in there.

Anonymous said...

Why does Heilman remind me so much of Braden Looper? Can't get lefties out, can't get much out... Make him become a starter somewhere and he'll win 12 games... Frankly if that happened, I wouldn't care... Guy is a mess.

MP said...

You've offended the powers that be at SNY/MetsBlog now...

"…well, that’s not nice…seriously…i mean, i’m all for being frustrated, but do you honestly think that heilman is struggling because he is stupid…jeez…"

Expect Chris Cotter at the door tonight with a bat.

Anonymous said...

I think is safe to say Heilman, has officially run out of tokens...