Saturday, December 24, 2005

The Top 50 Reasons To Hate The New York Yankees (In No Particular Order)

My Christmas Eve present to you...the loyal fan base. Consider this "The Hate List: Special 12 inch Extended Remix".
  1. Every damn commercial for a giveaway night has to begin with Michael Kay talking over pompous trumpets proclaiming "The New York Yankees, the world's most reknown franchise, have won more world championships than anyone in the history of professional sports". A little much for towel night, no?
  2. The cemetary in the outfield.
  3. David Wells
  4. The Yankee Stadium security, who attempted to eject a fan out of a game for taking pictures of Jorge Posada's wife, and not letting him retrieve his blind friend!
  5. July 3rd 2004, the FOX pregame show spends five minutes showing us video highlights of the Yankee/Red Sox "Jeter into the stands" game, while failing to even mention that the Mets had beaten them one night later. Then the segment is topped off with a July 4th music vignette that ends with Derek Jeter's face over fireworks. It is the genesis of my hate for Jeanne Zelasko.
  6. When Mike Sweeney hits a two run double against the most reknown franchise in the world, and Michael Kay of course checks the replays to see if his foot was outside the back line. (The Royals scoring runs against the most reknown franchise in the world? Why, he must have cheated!)
  7. Jim Kaat making excuses as to why Jaret Wright throws a wild pitch. Here's an idea: HE'S GARBAGE!
  8. The "got rings" t-shirt
  9. Aaron Boone
  10. "Yankees win...DUUUUUUUUUUUUUH Yankees win!"
  11. Their chicken finger vendors are the slowest in the league. Even Yankee fans admit this.
  12. Wife swapping (check number 6).
  13. Jeff Nelson for Armando Benitez.
  14. This belief groundswelled by Yankee propaganda artists that Don Mattingly belongs in the hall of fame.
  15. Reggie Jackson.
  16. They have the only announcers in the league that make sure to note the "great tag by Jeter" on a routine caught stealing.
  17. The two Yankees announcers from "Brewster's Millions" ("That's Yankee Pride! That's Yankee Power!") Is it healthy to hate fictional Yankees employees? Speaking of which...
  18. Duke Temple and Clue Haywood.
  19. The entire 2000 season (3-14 to end the season, then magically turn it on to beat the Mets in the first ever subway series.)
  20. The fact that Dwight Gooden and David Cone pitched no hitters for them!
  21. It takes scoring 32 runs in two days or Grant Roberts smoking a bong to steal the back page from them.
  22. Roger Clemens
  23. Adidas.
  24. The fact that the latest Yankee dynasty was created because George Steinbrenner got himself kicked out of baseball.
  25. Darth Marc.
  26. That kid that spent hours at Camden Yards chanting "Posada Posada Posada Posada..." Still haunts me.
  27. Jack Nicholson, that front running bastard!
  28. Showing a Tino Martinez grand slam from the 1998 World Series before an at bat against the Royals in 2005 with the bases loaded.
  29. The curse of the Bambino.
  30. The "Bam-Tino"
  31. The "Giambi-no"
  33. Jeter and his ingenue du jour on the cover of the New York Post canoodling.
  34. Speaking of Jeter, he wins a gold glove because, quoting Tim Kurkjian: "Nobody makes the routine play better than Derek Jeter." That's why he wins a gold glove?
  35. Bat Boys who write books.
  36. Shane Spencer
  37. Lee Mazzilli (I went back and forth on this one...after all, he was a valuable member of the 1986 team. But the fact that the Yankees brought him back to shine Derek Jeter's shoes after failing miserably as a manager means that he's too far on the other side of the fence.)
  38. Mike Francesa
  39. The intolerable "Let's Go Yankees" chant...born in 1996, treated like the quintessential chant of sports rooting...yet merely a derivative of the "Let's Go Rangers" chant that's been around much longer, yet it took Yankee fans 50 years to figure out how to clap and chant at the same time.
  40. The fact that all 95% of their fans are tourists.
  41. No seriously! I'm in an airport terminal eavesdropping on a family from Mississippi, with the matriarchal figure bragging about her Yankee shirt that she bought in the airport gift shop proclaiming "I loooove the Yankees!" YOU DO NOT! YOU LOVE SOUVENIERS!!!!!!
  42. Dave Winfield killing a seagull.
  43. Deion Sanders
  44. Luis Polonia, who should have known something was wrong when the woman he took back to his hotel room took out her birth control pill and it was in the shape of Fred Flinstone.
  45. Johnny Damon (who's arrival in the Bronx means that Alex Rodriguez's time as Derek Jeter's personal secretary is over.)
  46. Speaking of Johnny Damon, why is it that during all Yankee news conferences, everyone from the owner to the president of the team to the general manager to the manager to the clubhouse manager to the chicken finger vendor has to introduce all of their new acquisitions?
  47. Jerome from Manhattan
  48. The 1989 Mayor's Trophy Game (See, I was there with my cousin who is a Yankee fan...and all I remember from that game was that the Yankees won...I had to look up that the final was 4-0...and Ken Phelps. Later that night I went to see the the Rangers lose to the Islanders. Horrible sports day...horrible!)
  49. Gary Sheffield...everything about him.
  50. The fact that Bobby Bonilla never played for them (although if he had, he would have probably lost 50 pounds, provided that veteran leadership currently supplied by Ruben Sierra, and would still be active. Lousy Bobby Bonilla).


Anonymous said...

I'm loving it. THis is great. #1 is probably the best. Good stuff man.

Jaap said...

That's bloody prodigious, that is. Well done.

Anonymous said...


Well, all right. It's Christmas.

The only better present would be a franchise transfer. Utah Yankees has a nice ring (!) to it...ladies and gentlemen, your Salt Basin Bombers!

Metstradamus sees past this blanket Peace on Earth folderol and thank goodness he does.

Mets Guy in Michigan said...

If there is justice in this world -- and I don't mean an idiot who misses third base in a playoff game and actualy divorces Halle Berry -- then Santa will be delivering a whole stack of coal to taht sink hole in the Bronx.

Freaking Reggie. I'm STILL steamed about that day.

Merry Christmas, my friend. You've bestowed the gift of laughter all year long!

michael o. said...

I'm in an airport terminal eavesdropping on a family from Mississippi, with the matriarchal figure bragging about her Yankee shirt that she bought in the airport gift shop proclaiming "I loooove the Yankees!" YOU DO NOT! YOU LOVE SOUVENIERS!!!!!!

Classic..that's why you are best. But you missed when the little prick reached over the wall (back in '96?) to catch a ball that was not out and it was ruled a homerun which led to their flawed dynasty run.

Metstradamus said...

You know Mike, I could have sworn I put him on the list...oh well, Jeffrey Maier could be like Puerto Rico...the "51st" state.

Darth Marc said...

I'm only number 25????? I don't know how to feel about that...I guess my winter long hiatus in the blogosphere must have something to do with that....

I guess I have some work to do...Admiration comes and goes..but real Hatred lasts forever...

Dave, I read that Reggie blog you wrote a while back. The Emperor asked me to tell you that he did not sanction any such actions from Mr Jackson....

Anonymous said...

When you're good for so gives people reasons to take shots at you and find reasons to hate you. A Yankee fan wouldn't bother to put 10 reasons together about the Mets. Not worth my time.

Metstradamus said...

52. Jeterboy

Anonymous said...


I remember listening to WFAN all the time and him calling in...I always thought he was hillarious. I moved about a yr ago...I wonder if he still calls in.

Anonymous said...

Every once in a while, someone will call into Steve Somers and ask about Jerome, and Steve always says that he's having health problems and his doctors have advised him not to call in because he gets too worked up.

I, for one, don't miss him at all.

Anonymous said...

so they've won the most series. they've also LOST the most series.
they are, in short, mediocrity inflated by their steroid payroll.