Mr. Zero Chance

(Editor's note: the following probably should have been written after some time to cool down. But what fun would that be?)

For Carlos Beltran, all would have been forgiven with one swing of the bat against Todd Jones. Tying run on second, winning run on first...all of the past transgressions of April-August can be wiped out with one mighty stroke of his one hundred and nineteen million dollar stick.

Instead Carlos, cruelly, as you meekly ground to first base to seal a 5-4 Marlins win, you remind us what it means to be Met fans. You remind us the money does not buy happiness unless you take residence in the Bronx.

You remind us that there is more than one way to lose a ball game.

You remind us that hope is for those of us in Queens that are of mind, body and soul free of the emotional scars of Jim Fregosi...of Bobby Bonilla...of Kenny Rogers...and of Shane Spencer.

Hope is for Astros fans.

I've been told that I've been too easy on Carlos Beltran...that I've made excuses for him...that he deserves more of the hammer than I've laid down on him thus far. I've responded thusly: wake me up when the calendar hits September...when the money is on the line...when the spotlight of the Met universe shines on him. Then, we will see, what is there to be said.

Well it's September, Metstraskiltskin has awoken. And I say this:

Carlos Beltran, you are mental mush.

You, not Shingo Takatsu, are Mr. Zero.

You are Eric Lindros without most of the concussions.

You are George Foster without the Ray-Bans.

You are...a New York Met.

But don't go thinking that you're special...oh no. You think you're the first to waste rallies by Miguel Cairo? You think you're the first to collect a Wilpon paycheck with a ski mask and a gun? You think you're the first to rip our hearts out of our chests, stomp all over them, roll over them with a street sweeper, allow fireants to gain their sustenance from them, scoop up the remains, pour them into a cup, spread it on luncheon meat and make us eat it while forcing us to sit through a book club meeting with James Lipton and Carrot Top? No, you're not the first. You won't be the last. And that's why with whatever heart I have left I will hold your every wasted opportunity to the fire and boo you with the fury of 119 million alpha males at a sportscar convention until you get a clutch hit and shut me up.

You say you'll be here for six more years, Carlos? Good. So will I.

***

I looked up the english translation for Shingo Takatsu. Oddly enough, Shingo Takatsu in English means Billy Taylor.

And you know what Billy Taylor means.

That's right, another loss.

Yes, the wheels on the bus go round and round as they detach themselves from the bus and roll down I-95. And watch the Mets bandwagon flip over the divider as Miguel Cabrera takes some slop from Steve Nash's evil twin and smacks it like a flipper sending a pinball to the double bonus.

I knew there was a reason that a first place team...a first place team that has lapped the field mind you...would designate their closer for assignment.

Then again the Mets take fliers on closers released by last place teams so what do they care?

***

Remember it isn't over until the fat lady sings.

Well, no fat ladies cleared waivers...but I have it on good authority that Mo Vaughn just popped a cheeseburger flavored lozenge, and is warming up his vocal chords by humming "love that chicken from Popeye's."

Losing Creates Illogicical Flashbacks

Sometimes, as losing streaks occur that threaten your favorite team's season as the Mets current three game losing streak poses a minor threat, you normally tend to flash back to happier times when things weren't so rough.

Why then, as the Mets have lost three straight during this September stretch drive, do I flash back to Joel Youngblood?

It's probably because he was mentioned during the telecast of the Cardinals/Astros game tonight. I have no idea why they mentioned him, but it created a warm fuzzy in the pit of my heart.
For those too young to remember, Joel Youngblood was the only player in history to record a hit for two different franchises in the same day...August 4th, 1982. Youngblood drove in two runs for the Mets against the Cubs at Wrigley field in the third inning, then left town as he was traded to the Expos for Tom Gorman (not Tom Gordon, as I mistakenly got my eras mixed up, thank you g-fafif!) He arrived in Philadelphia during the third inning of the Expos' game against the Phillies, and guess what? He got a hit.

The entire story of that nutty day can be found here. Check out the two pitchers that Youngblood got the hits off of: Fergie Jenkins and Steve Carlton. Not bad, eh?

That fact escaped me in my young life. But what stayed with me was that Youngblood grew a beard every September to deal with the cold weather, and because he was an avid outdoorsman and hunter. That I remember (go figure).

There were many Lee Mazzilli fans in those late 70's/early 80's days. A lot of John Stearns fans too (well, relatively). I was a Doug Flynn/Joel Youngblood guy. Flynn was a gold glover who couldn't hit, and had a big white fluffy dog named Woody. I liked him because he was involved in a lot of late inning comebacks and attempted comebacks (I remember he started them more than he finished them, but he definitely finished one.)

I don't think Joel Youngblood had a dog. But he had a big fluffy beard every winter. He also played some second base and some third base along with primarily being an outfielder (mostly in right, sometimes in center as he was during his final game as a Met).

I also like the the way the Shea P.A. announcer would draw out "Yyyyyyyyyyyyyyounggggg-bloooooooooooood" as Joel strode to the plate. And "Youngblood" just might very well be the coolest name in Met history.

He also had his best season in 1979, my first full season of predicting Mets disaster...which is probably why he is burned in my memory forever. He hit 16 homers and drove in 60 runs and hit a respectable .275. But in 1982, with George Foster, Mookie Wilson, and Ellis Valentine (yikes) on the scene, there was no room for Joel Youngblood...thus the trade to Montreal, baseball history, and a conversion from childhood hero to distant memory.

Road Tripped

Victor Zambrano, with 110 pitches in 5 innings of tonight's 4-2 loss to the Marlins, fuels the fire of Met fans who wanted Steve Trachsel to be in the rotation instead of Zambrano.

But with Dontrelle Willis on the mound (and at the plate), would it have mattered?

Dontrelle is a monster...plain and simple. He owns the Mets. He's 7-1 against them in his career. So maybe the Zambrano/Trachsel decision would not have mattered tonight.

There will however be a time when keeping Zambrano in the starting rotation will truly make the difference between a win and a loss. The bottom line is...with Trachsel making simulated starts to keep fresh, he's going to be useless during games. Zambrano, although not really suited for the pen, has pitched there before, so Zambrano would not be a wasted spot on the roster as Trachsel is now.

The decision should be an easy one.

***

This suggestion reaks of desperation, but with the Mets 3.5 back of the Phillies, there's no reason not to try it. Now try to contain your laughter, because I'm not sure I can type this with a straight face, but I suggest the following:

Bat Doug Mientkiewicz in the second slot in the order.

(come again, Metstradamus?)

Bat Doug Mientkiewicz in the second slot in the order...the rest of the season.

What's so funny?

Willie Randolph is getting next to nothing from Migazuo Matcairo batting second. Mike Jacobs is slumping at first base. Mientkiewicz was batting well before going back on the disabled list, and has shown glimpses of snapping out of his slump with regular work. And when he's right, who better than a lefty contact hitter like Mientkiewicz to be at the plate with Jose Reyes at first base and a big gaping hole on the right side of the infield?

I'm not saying it's a cinch to work, but with the Mets scoring 12 runs in six games (six of those runs on Tuesday), it's as good a bet as anything else as Randolph as tried lately.

***

Tonight's Aflac trivia question during the Yankee game: What are the six current major league stadiums which formerly hosted NFL or AFL football teams?

The answer given: Shea Stadium (Jets), Yankee Stadium (Giants), Fenway Park (Patriots), Wrigley Field (Bears, or Cardinals...I'm not sure), Anaheim Stadium (Rams), and Busch Stadium (Cardinals).

Great question.

One problem...

Somebody at the YES network forgot that a long long time ago, the Washington Redskins played at RFK Stadium, the current home of the Washington Nationals.

D'oh!

Crystal Ball: The Road Trip

I was asked in the comment section to give prophecies on Friday's Mets/Marlins showdown in Miami. As I am a man of the people, and I do take requests, I did just that.

But with the road trip that will make or break the 2005 season on the horizon, why stop there? I do fancy myself a soothsayer...well, time to start saying some serious sooth.

Friday, September 2nd:

Victor Zambrano gets this start because he does well against the Marlins in Pro Robbie Stadium. Zambrano will reach the 100 pitch mark in the first inning as he will walk a record 17 batters to start the game for a 13-0 Marlins lead. In a cruel and ironic twist, Steve Trachsel will enter the game and retire 24 straight batters, and he will snicker uncontrollably while walking off the mound in the eighth inning as the Mets drop the first game 13-2.

Saturday, September 3rd:

The Mets will take a 2-1 lead into the eighth during a pitching duel between Kris Benson and Josh Beckett. Roberto Hernandez will retire the first two batters in the eighth...however after a Carlos Delgado foul ball causes a young girl to fall over and injure her head, Hernandez will run to try to help her. But when he crosses the first base line he becomes his true self...an 85 year old doctor from Chisholm, MN. Heath Bell will relieve Hernandez and promptly give up a two run HR to Delgado for a 3-2 Marlins win.

Sunday, September 4th:

Willie Randolph starts Victor Zambrano again, figuring Friday's start was a fluke, and wanting to get him another start in Florida because of his numbers in Dolphins Stadium, er...uh, before Friday. Zambrano will walk another 10 batters in 2 and 2/3 innings, but Juan "The Fly" Padilla will relieve for the final 6 and 1/3 and the Mets win 4-1 on the strength of Fluff Castro's grand slam.

Monday, September 5th (Atlanta):

The Mets fly into Ted Turner international on Sunday night and each player picks up a voodoo doll of a different Brave player at the gift shop. Jae Seo starts for the Mets against Matt Harrison; called up to the Braves specifically to exploit the Mets weakness against pitchers they've never seen before. Matt Harrison pitches eight shutout innings, as Seo gives up the only run of the game on a Julio Franco steal of home. The Mets tie the game in the ninth on a Miguel Cairo single...but the run is taken off the board as Cairo's bat shatters and it is discovered that he has corked his bat with Marshmallow Fluff. The Mets lose 1-0.

Tuesday, September 6th:

Randolph starts Victor Zambrano for the third time in five days to get Pedro Martinez some extra rest. Zambrano has a no-hitter for six innings but walks 14 batters in the seventh inning to give the Braves a 10-9 lead. The Mets take the lead 11-10 in the eighth inning on a two run single by David Wright...but the two runs are taken off the board as Bobby Cox cites an obscure rule that no batter shall have the laces on his cleats tied in a turquoise turtle knot. The Braves go on to win 10-9.

Wednesday, September 7th:

Pedro Martinez has a no-hitter through seven innings as the Mets have a 3-0 lead on the Braves. But chaos ensues as Martinez, enraged at Leo Mazzone's constant rocking, goes into the dugout and throws him to the ground. The recently called up Kaz Ishii has to come in and replace the ejected Martinez, and promptly gives up home runs to three more minor leaguers called up from Rome and the Mets go on and lose 4-3.

Thursday, September 8th (St. Louis):

Mike Piazza calls a players only meeting and threatens to beat everyone within an inch of their life with the cast on his left hand if the team doesn't start playing better. To emphasize his point, he brings in former Met John Franco to throw a garbage can. Carlos Beltran 0 for 28 on the road trip, responds with a double. Chris Woodward appears on his first milk carton as not only has he not started since August 28th, nobody's seen him since leaving Miami international. Randolph, meanwhile, starts Victor Zambrano for the fourth time in seven days, citing Zambrano's keen ability to spell "GRUDZIELANEK". Zambrano fires 297 pitches but keeps it close. However, the Mets fall in extra innings as Braden Looper gives up a three run home run to David Eckstein. Looper leaves a tape recorder in his locker after the game for reporters, where a tape was looped to say "I suck" 276 times.

Friday, September 9th:

Willie Randolph's new Subway Sandwich commercial debuts:

Joe Torre: "Hey Willie, why did you get the carne asada instead of the chicken?"
Willie Randolph: "Joe, it was my decision."
Joe Torre: "But don't you know chicken is better for you than red meat?"
Willie Randolph: "Well, I thought that...I hadn't had the carne asada in...it was my decision."

Subway, eat fresh.

Jose Reyes hits four triples...and after the fourth triple, Larry Walker has to be carted off on a stretcher with an oxygen tank.

Mets win 4-2.

Saturday, September 10th:

Good news to start the day as Chris Woodward was found sleeping in an equiptment bag clutching a Mr. Met doll and a powerbar.

Tom Glavine takes the mound today, and he strolls to the hill in a nasty mood because he's off his normal rotation. Behind the plate is Larry Young, who umped Glavine's start on September first. Tom Glavine throws thirty pitches in inning number one, all of them are called balls by Young, as his strike zone has officially shrunk to the size of Jim Duquette's offer to Vladimir Guerrero. Glavine, who never shows emotion, is ejected after he pile drives Young to the ground screaming "You Quest-ec son of a bitch!!!".

Amazingly, Aaron Heilman comes on in relief and pitches seven strong innings as the Mets come back with six runs off of Julian Tavarez as the Mets win 7-5.

Sunday, September 11th:

Randolph checks the weather report and sees that the temperature in St. Louis at game time will be 88 degrees. He checks his piles of game notes and sees that Zambrano has a 0.00 ERA in two thirds of an inning in his career when the game time temperature is 88 degrees. After he sees that, he pencils Zambrano in to make his 5th start of the road trip. But disaster strikes as on the second pitch to David Eckstein, Zambrano's right arm is completely detached from his body. Pitching coach Rick Peterson goes to see if Victor is all right, and Zambrano insists he's OK. Amazingly, Zambrano throws five innings of one hit ball with his left arm, while walking eight.

The Mets have a 4-3 lead in the ninth inning as Braden Looper comes into the game. Albert Pujols leads off the inning with a single, but Looper rebounds to strike out Jim Edmonds and Mark Grudzielanek. Looper then works So Taguchi to a 3-2 count when Taguchi fouls off 45 pitches before lining a single to right field. Tony LaRussa decides to pinch hit for Abraham Nunez...and because of this, Randolph decides to pull his closer in favor of Jose Santiago and his sinkerball. Santiago works a 2-2 count before giving up a three run home run to pinch hitter...

Terry Pendleton. Cardinals win 6-4, and the Mets go 3-7 on the road trip.

Meaningful Loss

From John Donovan of SI.com on the N.L. wild card race:

Without injured first baseman Jim Thome, the Phils need these three big hitters to get hot: left fielder Pat Burrell (27 homers, 97 RBIs), second baseman Chase Utley (21, 81) and right fielder Bobby Abreu (22 homers, but just four since winning the All-Star Home Run Derby). Rookie Ryan Howard, Thome's replacement at first, must step up.

Well in the first meaningful series in September for the Mets since 2001, Burrell, Utley, Abreu (2 for 3 with a run today), and Howard (insurance home run in the ninth) have all stepped up.

Meanwhile, stepping up for the Mets? Ramon Castro.

As it turns out, the Mets were one Fluff Castro swing away from an embarassing sweep, and are lucky to get out in the shape that they're in. Not the way you want to play your first meaningful September series in four years.

Tom Glavine was fine today pitching-wise, but fumbled a Pat Burrell grounder that should have/would have been an inning ending double play. It wasn't an error because the Mets got an out on the play, but it set up David Bell's two run single which was all Philly needed to take the rubber match by a score of 3-1.

"Go back to Japan and take Looper with you!!!" -unidentified Kaz Matsui heckler, Shea Stadium, 9/1/2005

I had an "uh-oh" moment when Ryan Howard stepped up to the plate in the ninth against Braden Looper. Fastball hitter vs. fastball pitcher...the thought that came into my mind was "Howard could hit one 500 miles". Well not quite, but Howard's insurance run reached the camera tower in center field...which is a hungry man blast.

I'm not going to lead the brigade for Braden Looper's head. Ryan Howard is a monster who can hit a good fastball. Those who are regular readers of my "shpiel" know that I'm not aligned with those who want to get rid of Looper for the sake of getting rid of him. I will say this, however: If Billy Wagner's recent warm sentiments for New York City are real, then the Mets have to do what they can to get him to Shea. Billy Wagner is an elite closer. Who else but Billy Wagner has the goods to walk a lead off hitter and have it be a minor inconvenience, as he did today? Eric Gagne? Yes, when healthy. Trevor Hoffman? Yes. Mariano Rivera? Of course. Guess what? The Mets aren't getting any of the last three closers. It was thought that Wagner was also unavailable...he was recently talking retirement. Now? Anything is possible.

Now if I was a Phillies fan, I would be borderline furious at Wagner. Between his comments that the Phillies had no shot at the playoffs, and his retirement musings, and now his halfway public contract negotiations, if Wagner wasn't the slam dunk out of the bullpen that he is, there would be a lot less tolerance for him. But he is a slam dunk...and that's precisely why he is absolutely worth every penny the Mets would throw at him.

If 2006 is the season that the Mets have been aiming for from the beginning of 2005, then it's the perfect time to put all their efforts and cash flow into Wagner. After all, why buy a $50,000 car only to have two dollar brakes? And if Braden Looper chooses not to understand why he would lose his closer's job to somebody like Billy Wagner, then I wish him well.

***

From the "not that it made any difference" department, but Willie Randolph made a bizarre move during the eighth inning today. With Ugueth Urbina on the mound in a 2-1 game, Randolph pinch hit Marlon Anderson for catcher Mike DiFelice, and then Jose Offerman for Roberto Hernandez. Randolph then replaced Anderson with Ramon Castro at the catcher position.

Correct me if I am wrong, but didn't Castro recently hit a big home run off of Urbina?

In a 2-1 game, Randolph basically wasted a pinch hitter, when it could have been Castro pinch hitting for DiFelice, and Anderson hitting for Hernandez...then you would have Offerman in your holster if the game went into extra innings.

I didn't understand that one.

***

Tim Hamulack warmed up in the pen, but did not make his major league debut at the age of 29 today.

***

And yes, the Metstradamus record at Shea drops to 4-1 for 2005.

Chaser

I promised never to put Chase Utley on the hate list again.

By the end of this article, I will have decided whether to go back on my promise.

He was hitting .316 against the Mets this season coming into this game...and after tonight he has five HR's against the Mets with his two tonight off of Pedro Martinez in a 8-2 Phillie win.

He's Burrell Spawn.

***

It was an un-Pedro like performance, obviously, with four dingers given up. If it means anything at all, it means that it might be prudent to keep six starters. Just in case a certain ace feels as if he is wearing down.

The Phillies have basically ended an incredible run of spectacular starts by Met starters not named Kris Benson with back to back poundings of Jae Seo and Pedro Martinez. Could the Mets starters be coming back to earth? Or are the Phillies just an exceptional hitting team?

***

Jon Lieber (12-12, 4.81 ERA) vs. Tom Glavine (10-11, 4.06) today at 1PM.

Chris Woodward does well in two instances:

1. When I'm at Shea (3 for 7, 4 RBI's), and
2. when Jon Lieber is on the mound (3 for 8, 2 RBI's).

Might he be in the starting lineup for the Thursday afternoon tilt in place of struggling rookie Mike Jacobs?

***

OK, I have decided that I'm a man of my word...Utley stays off the hate list.

But make no mistake Chase...I hate you. I just get to tell you so on the main page.