Monday, February 16, 2009

Economically Stimulating

Life got ya down? Worried about mounting bills? The unemployment rate? The rising cost of attending sporting events?

The signing of Livan Hernandez?

Well there's good news on the horizon the economic stimulus package has been approved by our Congress. We all know that there are better ways to spend money than others. So before we all go willy-nilly on how to spend that small amount of extra money, I'm here to give some suggestions as to some prudent, and not so prudent ways to spend that extra money that comes into your pocket.

Ramon Castro
DO BUY: A giant head rest.
DON'T BUY: Real estate in New York City.

Mike Pelfrey
DO BUY: A subscription to Netflix.
DON'T BUY: A souped up golf cart.

Fred Wilpon
DO BUY: A lefty reliever.
DON'T BUY: "Ponzi Schemes, They're Not Just a Herman Edwards Blitz Package Anymore" by Bernie Madoff.

Ryan Church
DO BUY: An "I Love NY" t-shirt.
DON'T BUY: Driving lessons from Mike Pelfrey.

Freddy Garcia
DO BUY: Long term health insurance.
DON'T BUY: Hedgeclippers.

Frankie Rodriguez
DO BUY: More red tinted contact lenses.
DON'T BUY: Contact lenses that make you see three strike zones.

Oliver Perez
DO BUY: Something. Anything. It really doesn't matter. You can afford it now.
DON'T BUY: Anything that Rick Peterson might be selling.

Roberto Alomar
DO BUY: A good lawyer.
DON'T BUY: Jackie Chiles.

Brian Schneider
DO BUY: A better scriptwriter.
DON'T BUY: "Be an Offensive Force at the Catcher Position" by Charlie O' Brien

Jerry Manuel
DO BUY: Nextel Direct Connect for the bullpen staff.
DON'T BUY: Livan Hernandez's assertion that he can go one more inning. Speaking of ...

Livan Hernandez
DO BUY: Health and workout tips from Heath Bell.
DON'T BUY: Health and workout tips from his half-brother.

Luis Castillo
DO BUY: "Leading Off for Dummies" by Rickey Henderson
DON'T BUY: "Drawing an Inside Straight During a Playoff Game" by Rickey Henderson

Omar Minaya
DO BUY: Will Ohman
DON'T BUY: Oil Can Boyd (tempting as a 49-year-old may be)


Mr.Gee21 said...

Oh damn, you are harsh, and dead-on funny. Thank you as always.

Matt said...

That was absolutely hilarious. Good stuff

GM-Carson said...

Hottest Fans of the NL East?

More Hardball wants to know who has the hottest fans in baseball. We'll be running a set of posts over the following weeks featuring images of each teams' hotties, with a voting poll to crown a champion. We've crowned champs of the AL East (BoSox), Central (ChiSox), West (Angels), and AL Wild Card (A's) already, and we're now moving on to the National League...NL East. Sticking true to Major League Baseball's roots, there will be an eight team playoff system where the winners of each division square off with the addition of a wild card team to determine who wins the pennant and represents each league in the World Series of Hotness.