Cyrano de Wilpon

(Our story begins with Matt Holliday returning to his crib after beers with the fellas ...)

MH: Don't forget, McGwire's the designated driver tonight. See you later, party animals.

OM: Hello Mr. Holliday.

MH: Oh! You're here. Well, talk. I will listen.

OM: I love you.

MH: Talk to me of love.

OM: I love ... you.

MH: Elaborate, please.

OM: I love you ... very much.

MH: I don't doubt that. And what further?

OM: I would love ... if you would love us too.

MH: You are offering me platitudes when I was hoping for a large contract. Tell me a little of how you love me.

OM: Very very much.

MH: Disentangle your sentiments.

OM: I love you.

MH: Again!

OM: No, I do not love you ... I adore you. Love makes me into a fool.

MH: This displeases me that you are no longer the confident man that would swoop in and tell stories of how it would be above all else to play for your team. That instead you are old and beaten.

OM: But ...

MH: Rally me your routed eloquence.

OM: I ...

MH: Yes, you love me. Now go away.

OM: But ...

MH: Oh sorry, you adore me. I've heard it. Drive home safe.

(Jeff Wilpon appears)

JW: What the hell are you doing?

OM: I was only ...

JW: I told you that you are no longer to do this without me. Now go stand over there. (Throws pebbles at Holliday's window)

OM: What? I'll die!!!

JW: GO!

MH: Who is it?

OM: It's Omar!

MH: Oh it's you. Go away.

OM: I wish to speak to you.

MH: Your conversation is too common.

OM: (With prompting from Jeff) How common does 6 years $108 million sound?

MH: That's better. But why is your speech so stunted and interrupted?

OM: (moving towards the doorway, out of Holliday's sight) Because the dark ... I'm afraid of the dark.

MH: What's there to be afraid of? Why are your words difficult?

JW: (talking lower and mimicking Minaya's diction) What does it matter if they reach their destination? Your words merely drop ... My words have to climb to reach you.

MH: So does your contract offer.

JW: My heart is large ... and my wallet is (gulp) larger. With the masses that will surely fill Citi Field and buy our delectable fish sandwiches from Catch of the Day because of you, no price is too high for you.

MH: Now this ... this is love.

JW: But tell me, do you grasp my love's measure? Does some little part of my soul make itself felt of you in darkness and make you tremble?

MH: Yes, I tremble. And with a couple more million you can carry me away to your Field of Fish.

JW: That would be Citi Field. And yes, I will carry you away until death or Dr. Andrews do us part.

MH: I'll play for you Omar.

OM: (jumps in excitedly) And thus we will have you, Doc!!!

MH: Doc?

JW: DOC??!?

SB: Hey, what's going on here??!?

OM: SCOTT BORAS!!!

SB: What are the two of you doing here?

MH: The two of ... Jeff Wilpon? It was your words that wooed me?

JW: Umm, uhh?

MH: And you, Omar ... you thought I was Doc Halladay, didn't you?

SB: Get the hell out of Matt's apartment complex!!!

MH: Yeah, I'm re-signing with St. Louis.

JW: Omar you idiot (slaps him upside the head). What are we going to do now???

OM: Umm ... go to Boston to woo Jason Bay?

JW: (sigh) I'll drive.

Dream On

Lance Berkman has gotta stop eating Thai food right before he goes to bed. From Astros beat guy Brian McTaggart's Twitter, via Mets Fever:

Lance Berkman just told me: "Last night I had a dream I got traded to the Mets." He didn't say who the Astros got in return.

Funny, last night Lance had that dream where he's hitting .220 as a Met and Tony Bernazard is chasing him with an 18 inch needle trying to give him a cortisone shot while shirtless. And he woke up in a cold sweat and couldn't even make it to the bathroom before puking all over himself. Yeah, I hate when that happens.

Perhaps Berkman is looking for a change subconsciously, but will not admit it to himself. I couldn't find an interpretation of a dream involving a trade to the Mets, but if he's dreaming about a job change, perhaps these guys can explain:

The "you’re fired" dream could also be a sign of fear of rejection or an indication that you subconsciously want to end some relationship or situation (work or personal) in your life. Maybe you secretly fantasize about leaving your job or escaping from your cubicle. (...) One way or another, your dreams are probably telling you that it’s time to make some kind of change in your life.

If this passage helps you Lance, then it's time to go demand that trade. Maybe this passage can explain some other people's dreams as well. (*coughOmarcough*)

If You Can't Beat Him, Throw Money At Him

I'm not sure how I feel about the Mets' interest in Jo-El Pineiro. It's human nature to take note of a pitcher's success against you, and eliminate three losses a year by signing him to a long term deal.

I mean, on the one hand ... he's been unhittable against the Mets. On the other hand, so has everyone else. And much like hitters from Colorado (we're interested in one of those too), pitchers from St. Louis must be looked at with a skeptical eye, as Pineiro will not come with pitching coach Dave Duncan. Duncan may be the green crystal that Son of Jo-El needs to create his Sinker of Solitude, as in the solitary hit he gives up to the Mets every time he faces them. Without that green stick, would Pineiro be Clark Kent walking into the diner in Superman II and get the ever loving crap beat out of him? With the Mets' luck? Count on it.

Special appearance by Jimmy Rollins as "Zod"

Benny Agbayani: A You Tube Retrospective

With news that Benny Agbayani has finally retired after a long career in Japan, let's look at his most memorable moment as a Met (modified with video game footage because heaven forbid Bud Selig allow old baseball clips to be seen on You Tube:



How do we know Benny's cool? Who else gets their own chant? I don't hear any chants for Matt Holliday unless they involve "Thanks for catching that ball in L.A. you douche!"



Guess I'm wasting my time hoping for Benny Agbayani Night at Citi Field in 2010, right? Of course not ... not from the same people that can't calculate 10 percent.

First Response, Or First Tease?

You have to assume that any rumor that involves dumping Luis Castillo's contract is probably too good to be true.

Look, my past man crush on Castillo is well documented. And he deserves a world of credit for bouncing back not once (from 2008), but twice (from the pop-up). But it's also well documented that you sell high. Or at least Castillo high which means you sell mediocre.

So this rumored deal which would send Castillo to the Cubs and Lyle Overbay to the Mets is absolutely the right thing to think about. It's the third part of that deal which will make or break it, which is Milton Bradley going from the Cubs to the Jays. And Toronto, reportedly and predictably, wants no part of Bradley. (Some say the Canadian exchange rate would change Bradley from slightly perturbed and misunderstood to certifiably insane.)

If these rumors do turn out to be a pipe dream, then at least those pesky Doc Halladay to the Phillies rumors can die a horrible death too. Or the rumor that I completely made up myself where the Phillies decline the option on Pedro Feliz for the sole purpose of signing Chone Figgins, and hence moving Jimmy Rollins down in the order.

Die rumors ... die.