The Musings and Prophecies of Metstradamus

The Sun Goes Down Alone

2009-07-14T18:24:00.001-04:00

Out on the road today,

I saw a Phillies jersey on Pedro's back.

A little voice inside my head said

"Don't look back, you can never look back."

I thought I knew what love was.

What did I know?

Those days are gone forever.

I should just let 'em go, but ...

It's The Fifth Annual Hall of Hate Vote!

2009-07-14T02:47:00.003-04:00

So it's the All-Star Break ... no Mets baseball until Thursday (although, if you're a Met fan, you haven't really seen baseball since May, so what does it matter to you?) But that doesn't mean that baseball can't fill your lives. First, you had Monday night's glorified batting practice/swing destroyer known as the Home Run Derby. And then tonight, you have the All-Star Game from St. Louis.

But in between, why don't you flex your frustration muscles and vote in our fifth annual Hall of Hate Elections.

Here's the standard background material for the uninitiated and those who haven't been here long (which doubles as a form letter since I pretty much cut and pasted this from last season's vote):

Soon after starting this blog, I created a daily hate list...five people, places, or things that put a bee in my bonnet for that particular calendar day. Mostly baseball players, but many times I would go off the board. From there, due to overwhelming positive response, it evolved into a more permanent and lasting "Hall of Hate", of which the original 25 members were chosen by me, here. It was meant to be a list that encompassed the biggest "enemies" in Mets history, the ones who the mere mention of their names makes one want to drink a bottle of ipecac just so you can puke all over your dog.

Not being enough to satiate the appetite of you, the hating fan, I opened balloting up for additional members, and so far you have voted in five candidates (most of them deserving) in 2005, and then to three more in 2006 to join the original 25, along with two more in 2007, and Tom Glavine in 2008. The balloting would usually coincide with whatever vacation time I was taking, but this season I decided to make it my very own All-Star festivity (and you don't even have to pay a couple hundred bucks to get in unlike the Home Run Derby.)

Here's the deal, you get one vote per computer. Amongst the list, you can vote for multiple candidates ... anyone you feel deserve induction (so you can check off as many boxes you want, but you can only click "vote" once). You have until 11:59PM on Thursday, July 23rd to cast your vote. Just as the case last season, only the top vote-getter gains induction into the Hall of Hate, so fill out your ballot with the utmost of care.

Here now are your candidates for the Hall of Hate:

Pete Rose: Picked a fight with a man half his size because his team was getting it's Big Red Tails kicked in during the 1973 NLCS. Received 63 votes in 2008 and was a distant sixth in the voting.

John Thomson: A recent nominee for his recent trashing of Paul Lo Duca as a reason for not signing with the Mets. Also, pitched like a wet dishrag in his prior stint for the Mets in 2002. Thomson dropped 54 votes in 2007 to just 22 last year.

Jimmy Rollins: His debut on the Hall of Hate ballot, basically for bragging about his team ... and then backing it up. Rollins proclaimed his team "the team to beat", and then getting key hit after key hit to knock the Mets out of the playoffs. Rollins' appearance on the ballot is partly hate, but partly a respect thing. Rollins finished in second place last season with 165 votes, just 12 away from the "winner", Tom Glavine.

Brett Myers: Hates the Mets, hits his wife. Myers' appearance on the ballot is not out of respect, but true hate. Myers finished fifth last season with 129 votes.

Jeff Torborg: Managed the 1993 Mets, who exposed him as a managing fraud. (Also managed the 2003 World Champion Marlins, but only during the beginning of that season when they stunk.) Received 55 votes and was eighth in 2007's voting, dropped to tenth with 24 votes last season.

Guillermo Mota: Was on the list in the past for transgressions against Mike Piazza. After shaking off Paul Lo Duca en route to giving up a series-changing double to Scott Spiezio, getting busted for a banned substance, and for basically dubbing 2007 as his own personal year of suck, he remains on the ballot after finishing a strong third in the voting in 2008 with 162 votes.

Mel Rojas: Was traded to the Mets as part of the Turk Wendell deal. The reason it's called the Turk Wendell deal is because Rojas was about as useful as a band-aid on a gunshot wound. Rojas gave up a home run to Paul O'Neill in 1997 that finally landed in 2002. Rojas' greatest transgression was his final act as a Met, which was bringing back Bobby Bonilla in a trade. Rojas finished seventh with 46 votes in '08.

Cole Hamels: Started off by lecturing Paul Lo Duca on how to celebrate home runs after about ten minutes in the league ... but makes the list with his "choke artists" rant over this past winter on WFAN. First time nominee.

Joe Torre: From "Clueless Joe" as a Met, to a hall of famer (and Roger Clemens apologist) as a Yankee. And now gets ready to stick it to the Mets with the help of Manny Ramirez as a Dodger. Dropped from fifth in 2007 with 77 votes to ninth with 33 votes in 2008.

Richie Hebner: Wanted no part of the Mets, and played like it at third base. He set the standard for giving baseball fans the finger during his only season in New York. Hebner has been dropping like a stone in the voting, going from 65 to 34 to 20 votes over the past three seasons. Remains on the list because, well ... he deserves it.

Eddie Murray: The first baseman of the worst team money could buy, the 1993 Mets. Is it really a compliment when you're the leader of misfits? In a weird statistical quirk, Murray has finished in 11th place for three straight seasons.

Tony Fernandez: Was successful at every major league stop he made, except Shea Stadium, where he had maybe three hits in half a season, and blamed gallstones. Tony received 18 votes in 2007 and finished last in the voting, but avoided last place in '08 with 22 votes.

Albert Pujols: Made the ballot in 2007 not-so-subtle digging into Tom Glavine after Game 1 of the NLCS, combined with being on the trainers table receiving "treatment" during the ninth inning of the 2007 All-Star Game, possibly costing the Mets a shot at home field advantage in the '07 World Series. Pujols was 4th in 2007's voting with 104 votes, but dropped all the way to eighth with 39 votes last season.

Shane Victorino: General pain in the ass, has shared Brett Myers' disdain for the Mets in the past while taunting the Mets by standing on home plate after scoring and clapping in the general direction of the Mets dugout ... yet somehow escapes criticism from the national baseball media because he's a "gamer" and because he's not Jose Reyes. Victorino was fourth in 2008 with 156 votes.

And as always, you may write in a vote here in the comments section. If someone gets enough write-in votes, then yes, I'll put him in (unless it's an obvious attempt by a rogue group of Yankee fans that want to experiment and see if they can get somebody like Tom Seaver or Gary Carter on the list just by creating computer systems that will write the same name hundreds of times. So don't even bother, because I hold final veto rights). And in terms of write-ins, if you write in a vote please make it easy for this old man and put the name in bold or something like that. (But please, before you come out with a comment like "Where's Bobby Bonilla" or "What about Chipper Jones", please refer to the original induction list along with the additions via fan balloting below).

Your Hall of Hate members:

Mike Scioscia-Charter Member
Jeff Kent-Charter Member
Robby Alomar-Charter Member
Rey Ordonez-Charter Member
Larry Jones-Charter Member
Bobby Bonilla-Charter Member
Vince Coleman-Charter Member
Ken Griffey Jr.-Charter Member
Roger Clemens-Charter Member
Mike Hampton-Charter Member
Mike Scott-Charter Member
John Tudor-Charter Member
David Wells-Charter Member
Armando Benitez-Charter Member
John Rocker-Charter Member
Donne Wall-Charter Member
Mike Stanton-Charter Member
Mike DeJean-Charter Member
Brian Jordan-Charter Member
Eddie Perez-Charter Member
Pat Burrell-Charter Member
Terry Pendleton-Charter Member
Jose Vizciano-Charter Member
Pedro Guerrero-Charter Member
Juan Gonzalez-Charter Member
Whitey Herzog-Charter Member
Art Howe-Charter Member
Dallas Green-Charter Member
Al Harazin-Charter Member
The 1993 Home Uniforms-Charter Member
Kenny Rogers-Voted in 2005
Derek Jeter-Voted in 2005
Mo Vaughn-Voted in 2005
Joe Randa-Voted in 2005
M. Donald Grant-Voted in 2005
Mike Francesa- Voted in 2006
Jim Duquette- Voted in 2006
Steve Phillips- Voted in 2006
Dick Young- Voted in 2007
Braden Looper- Voted in 2007
Tom Glavine- Voted in 2008

You have the power to decide who joins them. The candidates are already putting their campaigns together:

Center Field Diva

2009-07-12T22:49:00.000-04:00

Frenchy Is Peachy, But ...

2009-07-12T03:41:00.000-04:00

Mike Bordick also started his Mets career well.

I was getting into the whole Jeff Francoeur thing too ... "Hey, two for four! Two RBI's! Look like line drives in the box score! Frenchy's always smiling! Maybe I was wrong!" Then I was reminded of Mike Bordick hitting a home run on the first pitch he ever saw as a Met before he fell off the face of the planet.

So not only was the liquid in my half full glass emptied on to the floor, the glass was smashed to the floor, and I was made to lick the mess up with my tongue before being made to watch Donne Wall's career highlights on DVD. (Luckily, that last part only took 36 seconds. But it was painful nonetheless.)

But Frenchy did have a good debut. I'll give him that.

Advice For The Newbie

2009-07-11T18:57:00.004-04:00

"Make the most of it, if you play hard, hustle, and do things right, and not give up seven runs in a third of an inning on the last day of the season to the Florida Marlins while you're tied with the Phillies in the standings, the fans will love you." -Tom Glavine, to Jeff Francoeur

Okay, so only most of Glavine's quote is true.

He never actually said "hustle".

Frenchy Flag

2009-07-11T01:42:00.000-04:00

We can deduct two things about this Church for Francoeur trade:

The first thing we know now is that the white flag has been raised on the 2009 season. Because for an offense that has just been shut out for the third time this week, the remedy for that most certainly is not to trade a .280/.332/.375/.707 hitter for a .250/.282/.352/.634 hitter. Screw sabermetrics, this one is basic math.

And we also now know that at some point during this 2009 season, the Mets will be no-hit.

Yes, I believe this is an awful trade. But I really want to try to take more of a pragmatic, even handed view with this. For example, at first sight I went and blasted the Carlos Delgado trade, and blasted the original Ryan Church trade. I've since bought merchandise featuring both players. So I have to be just a little careful.

We all knew a Church trade was inevitable. Honestly, I thought that Church might have weathered the trade winds since he got this far, but the trade doesn't surprise me apart from the destination. But I can't get over the fact that Church has just been so mismanaged in his entire time here that it's a shame how the Mets completely wasted him. From the concussion misdiagnosis to being benched after starting the season on a hot streak to get Gary Sheffield at-bats, to putting him in center field for no real good reason except maybe to showcase his invented versatility for the Braves. And you know with a manager that doesn't hate him and will play him, there's no reason to think that Church isn't going to finally find a groove ... just in time for when the Mets are in Turner Field to face the Braves after the break.

"Shocker. Came out of nowhere. The good thing is I get to play these guys next week. They're going to have to change up a lot of signs. I know everything," Church said. "I'll definitely fill them in." -Ryan Church, after sending a text to Larry Jones and officially joining forces with the enemy

Signs? You need baserunners for signs to matter, and the Mets can't spell "baserunner". Get ready for Church to go 19-for-21 next week with five HR's.

As for Frenchy, he was in a very similar situation as Church was ... at odds with the manager and GM before getting his wish and being traded. And the rift between Francoeur and Braves management must have been wider than the gulf between Church and Snoop. To get the Braves to not only trade a former big-time prospect within the division, but an Atlanta native to the Mets is really something. Finally, a river wide enough.

Francoeur, just like Church, will come to a team that appreciates him (for now), and will play him constantly. That might not be a good thing. The Mets hope that the change of scenery will help Frenchy (and we saw how well that worked for Wade Redden), but it might be a case where the mind is willing but the batting eye is just too anxious. I think he will be just as motivated as Church will be to stick it to his former team, but for Francoeur to be successful his whole approach has to be revamped. And it's a little too late in the season to expect that 80 pitches in 80 seconds drill to do any good this year. So guess what: Francoeur is going to be a horror show this season.

The hope is for next season and beyond. And that's a hope against hope. The one thing I can say is that at least ... at least this could be a sign that the Mets are thinking about fielding a younger, more athletic team in the foreseeable future instead of rummaging through the bargain bin at Target looking for used tubes of toothpaste and impressing people by actually getting toothpaste out of them. But think about it this way: If they managed to mismanage a veteran like Church, how do you think they're going to turn a young Jeff Francoeur into the feared middle of the order hitter he was destined to be not long ago? Do you really have confidence that this is going to happen?

Bottom line: It didn't have to come to this. Even if 2009 is a wash, Church could have been a piece of the puzzle in 2010 and 2011 when everyone was healthy again. But because of Snoop's puzzling disinterest in him and because of all of the other stuff that Church had to go through with the concussions and what not, he was bound to be traded. Frenchy, who Buster Olney thought was a candidate to be non-tendered at the end of the season (seriously ... even Olney was flustered when the news broke of the trade ... that's how bizarre it is) had better find himself before 2011 when he becomes a free agent, and the Mets had better find a way to make sure he becomes the ballplayer he has the potential to be. This means not benching him in favor of Fernando Tatis after Francoeur gets three hits the night before. Or else there will be plenty of blame to be thrown around for 18 months of Ryan Church's baseball life (and our collective baseball watching lives) wasted by people with a hidden agenda.

And apropos of nothing, but fitting nonetheless, don't you find it ironic that Church's last official act as a Met is to join his new team by flying to Denver?

P.S. The Mets lost. Bronson Arroyo strikes again. Angel Pagan isn't the savior that the nation so desperately cries out for. Just another day in Flushing.

Mets Seperate Church From State ... Of New York

2009-07-10T18:06:00.000-04:00

Ryan Church is gone to Atlanta, Jeff Francoeur is a Met. Instead of jumping the gun and ranting, I take a few deep breaths. Then I'll probably rant.

Conducting a Symphony of Kazoos

2009-07-09T22:32:00.000-04:00

So why did Daniel Murphy sit in favor of Fernando Tatis?

"I want to get guys in a rhythm." -Jerry Manuel

He's not a manager, and he's not a gangsta. He's a bandleader now. By choosing to bench Murphy after a good start on Wednesday, he's got us all scratching our heads as to what exactly you have to do to stay in a major league lineup. Yup, it's spring training in July as Snoop continues to force feed Tatis to the world to "get him into a rhythm", as if making sure that Tatis can count in 4/4 time is a component to winning baseball.

Ladies and gentlemen, your manager: Ricky Ricardo.

"Oh Daaaaanieeeeeel, you're on the beeeeeeeench!"

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah."

Babaloo, baby.

It doesn't matter so much in the prism of tonight's game, as with Livan Hernandez's start tonight the 1927 Yankees only would have won 33 games (they won 109). But all the more reason to say: what does it matter? Let's reward our young player for getting himself a couple of hits and stealing a nut from a squirrel with that defensive play. What about getting Daniel Murphy in a rhythm? Or do we only care if Fernando Tatis is in rhythm while Murphy is hid in the back of the band playing the triangle? Doesn't it serve the long term interests of the club to develop Daniel Murphy into a legitimate option at first base and not just as trade bait in some ill advised deal which will set the team back another decade?

Or will playing Fernando Tatis keep those viewers tuned to SNY and keep those ticket sales flowing?

Seriously, how is it that a team that just put their 429th position player on the disabled list today can't find a spot for Daniel Murphy in the starting lineup every day?

But speaking of SNY, there was some good news tonight as for the first time all season (or at least that I saw), I could actually clearly see who was warming up in the visiting bullpen on an SNY's broadcast.

The bad news? It was Guillermo Mota.

Oh well. As tonight was the 40th anniversary of the closest a Met has ever come to a perfect game, why don't you check out what the '69 Mets are doing now, thanks to Sports Illustrated? (Hint: Throwing up while watching Livan Hernandez ... not on the list.)

Speaking of ill-advised trades which set the team back a decade ...

For The Three Of You That Didn't See This Yet

2009-07-09T15:52:00.002-04:00

Fly balls? Big problem.

Bringing the Harlem Globetrotters to the baseball diamond? No problem.

For all the blooper reels that Murphy has appeared in and will appear in for the rest of his life, let's hope the incredible play above evens things out a little bit.

I give up trying to figure this stupid season out.

The Symmetry of Eight-Oh

2009-07-08T00:59:00.000-04:00

Of course, it would be 8-0.

Because the first I saw of the Mets game, the score was already 8-0. This happened mere moments after I just got finished dropping some money at Harrah's in Atlantic City.

How much money, you ask? Of course ... 80 dollars.

If you close your eyes, you can distinctly make out the laughter of each individual baseball god, as they just keep throwing the fun little coincidences at me. Not enough I'm in Atlantic City ... Phillie country ... losing money and seeing more Phillies shirts and hats than I've seen in every other visit I've ever taken here combined, but this morning I wake up, flip on SportsCenter, and find myself right smack in the middle of the "Top Ten Mets F**k-Ups Of The Season" (I don't think they actually called it that.) How do you know you've had a bad season? You have enough boners for a Top Ten of the Season list all by yourself, it's only July, and Ryan Church missing third base before scoring the winning run isn't even on the list!

You know how else you know things are bad? When Manny Ramirez gets ejected from the game in the fifth inning for treating his elbow pad like a hand grenade ... and he still goes 2-for-4 with three RBI!!!

And the news doesn't get any better, as Jose Reyes and Carlos Beltran are nowhere near returning, while Oliver Perez returns Wednesday to either set fire to what's remaining of his career, or pitch the best game in his life in a 1-0 Mets loss.

But just when you think your life stinks, think of the 12-year-old youth travel team in Brooklyn who showed up to the field for their scheduled game to find out all the bases were stolen and the pitching rubber was ripped out of the ground, forcing the game to be cancelled.

Perhaps similar acts of thievery are the Mets' last hope.

Unplugged

2009-07-06T00:15:00.002-04:00

Take a look. Take a good look. This is who you lost to.

A light socket.

So let's review, the Mets lost this weekend to a pitcher who hadn't been in the majors since 2007, a 46-year-old man, and a man who once dressed as a light socket. And not just lost to them, got taken to school by them.

Forty years ago, the Mets beat the likes of Dave McNally, Jim Palmer, and Mike Cuellar in the World Series. Forty years later, the Mets can't touch Rodrigo Lopez, Jamie Moyer, and Joe Blanton. Your predecessors must be proud. I know I am.

But what do you expect when your best chance at runs is getting excited when Fernando 6-4-Tatis is batting against Chan Ho Park with a runner on base because he hit two grand slams against Park in an inning over a hundred years ago. The Mets, at this juncture, have a better chance of getting runs from a Jerry Lewis telethon than from this current roster.

Look Out, It's Skylab!

2009-07-05T01:37:00.000-04:00

Fans who think the sky is falling can take heart: David Wright obviously agrees.

Either that, or Alex Cora thought there were pieces of Skylab still floating around in space and wanted to warn his teammate. We're really not sure.

We're not sure of anything anymore, after the Mets showed us more comedic flair in Philadelphia as they lost again to the Phillies by a score of 4-1, thanks in part to two blown foul pops which directly led to the fourth run.

But even though the Mets are acting like a slot machine on the old strip in Vegas and paying out more than the 27 outs you get at those slots at Bellagio, and even though they're doing this at the worst possible time against good teams like the Yankees and Phillies (I think I've acquired an STD just typing that last sentence), don't you worry. Because look who's riding in on his horse on Wednesday to save the day:

Oh boy ... we're screwed.

Moratorium On Optimism

2009-07-04T00:50:00.000-04:00

This is what I get for being "uncharacteristically optimistic". I get six innings of shutout ball from Rodrigo Lopez, who's been riding buses and eating Krystal's for two years. Oh, and I get Livan Hernandez giving up seven runs in Philadelphia while wearing a red hat.

"Yeah, let's have the Mets wear the red hats while they're in Philadelphia, I don't see a problem with that."-Bud Selig ... maybe

See? I try to let loose a ray of sunshine, I get a 7-2 loss in red hats. It's my fault. No more optimism. We're done. We're not winning another game until the all-star break. And Fernando Nieve's getting lit up on national television tomorrow like a roman candle.

(Knowing full well how Fernando Nieve pitched the last time I implied he was going to get lit up during a FOX telecast. See how this works? Roman candle? Fourth of July? Ah, forget it.)

There's Some Grit In Them Furry Beasts

2009-07-02T20:31:00.000-04:00

As if going to Pittsburgh for a one game rainout makeup isn't exciting enough, the Mets were also able to catch the phenomenon known as Anthrocon 2009, a convention where people can dress like animals. Boy, it was the club's lucky day ... let alone Kevin Burkhardt's lucky day.

This has to be the reason that Tim Redding has such an awful start today ... apparently, Redding's goatee was a keynote speaker at the event. Who knew?

But in this period of time where we're all kinda waiting for the bottom to drop out, we might be seeing the beginnings of evidence that maybe nobody should be throwing in the towel on this team just yet. Down 5-0 to the Pirates' best starter on a one-game stopover (akin to spending seven hours at Atlanta International) would have been an easy game to throw in the towel on. But not only did the Mets actually string some hits together to get some runners on base, they strung some more hits together to actually drive those runs in! Eight of them!!!

And believe it or not, at 8-5 ... even at 8-6, I didn't have that nagging feeling of doom that I usually have with this franchise. Honestly. I honestly thought there was no way that doom can befall them again. Law of averages, right?

Wrong!

Because it was then that Frankie came in with a two run lead in the ninth, and two batters later the freakin' game was tied. And not only tied, but tied by Adam "Carlos Beltran is a no-good classless goon who doesn't make enough plays to win baseball games" La Roche. If you thought I tore the house apart, not to worry. I just laughed.

However my cat, on the opening of the Furry Beast Convention, was quite pissed. So pissed in fact, that she briefly joined the Pittsburgh faithful in their heckling of Frankie.

Can you blame her? She's been through so much ... to have a blown save on a day dedicated to animal fur was just too much for her cat-like patience to take. She snapped, as I'm sure most of you did. But alas, more grit to come as Fernando Tatis was hit with a pitch to top off a big day for him, and Ryan Church drove him in to help seal the deal. And even Frankie came back to have a big tenth inning after coming within about a foot of losing the game completely in the ninth on a two-out line drive. Yes, the "resiliency" and the "grit" has been there more this season than in the last two ... but no more so than Thursday.

Unfortunately, this game probably means the Mets will be without Rodriguez's services on Friday against the Phillies. But speaking of the Phillies, I'm going to keep gettin' positive on you: Not that the Mets' three starters are any guarantees (Livan Hernandez, Fernando Nieve, and even Johan Santana isn't a guarantee these days), the Mets are facing Rodrigo Lopez (yes, Rodrigo Lopez), Jaime Moyer (who the Mets have hit this year), and Joe Blanton (who's improved lately in the way that you can improve from dog meat to merely beatable). The series is winnable, boys and girls. I know the Mets have made some struggling pitchers look like Bob Gibson, but Lopez hasn't pitched in the majors in two years. The Mets absolutely can't welcome him back to the majors by making him into a stud. And the other two pitchers aren't lights out by any means. So two out of three is not impossible (or, if you're not into double negatives, possible), especially if Tatis has indeed found his stroke and lost his looping swing.

Come On Get Happy

2009-07-02T02:59:00.002-04:00

So it's everyone on the bus ... team unity and such. But hey, it worked. So who am I to argue? At last check, the Mets bus made a stop along I-90 so that winning pitcher Mike Pelfrey could solve a groovy mystery on the way to Pittsburgh. Here's hoping nobody gets thrown under it before the all-star break. Kumbaya!

Failing The Crash Test

2009-06-30T23:54:00.002-04:00

People have wondered why, with the Phillies still within sight of the Mets in the N.L. East with plenty of time to go in the season, I can't just enjoy the ride.

It's because the Mets clubhouse shop doesn't sell Brooklyn Dodgers throwback edition crash helmets.

Believe me, there's nothing I want more than to be positive, and look at the glass as being half full (of good strong Vodka of course.) But if you still think this season can be salvaged, and you're entitled to think that way, ask yourself: What have you seen from this team, not the struggles of the Phillies or the Marlins' bullpen or the Braves, but from the New York Mets, that tell you that this is a team that has a legitimate shot at winning this division? Where's the evidence on the field?

Because here's reality: The fourth inning on Tuesday, where Johan Santana walked the pitcher, Fernando Martinez dug up a divot in center field the size of Bobby Bonilla's severance paycheck while letting an easy fly ball drop, Dan Warthen gets kicked out of the game for jawing with Jim Wolf, and Ryan Braun's two run double turned into a three-run double when Omir Santos couldn't catch a relay throw, and turned into a four-run double when Johan Santana threw a ball to Grayslake, IL, would have been the most disgusting inning of the season for most teams.

For the Mets, it barely cracks the top ten.

Yet, it might be the inning that drives the final stake in the heart of the season.

Nah, that's not true.

Tomorrow, when Yovani Gallardo pitches to a lineup that isn't going to have David Wright and Gary Sheffield ... that'll be the last straw. But what difference does it make at this point? The lineup that did have Wright and Sheffield couldn't beat Mike Burns.

Mike Burns!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No wonder Wright looked like he was about to cry in the post-game interview.

The next question that you have to ask yourself is whether you believe Omar Minaya can fix this. And think of this: What exactly has Minaya done in-season to significantly help the club?

His biggest splash came when he traded Xavier Nady for Oliver Perez and Roberto Hernandez. And that was out of desperation. He also traded for Luis Castillo. That's it.

At this point, any moves Minaya can make would be putting duct tape on a life raft. The ship be sinking, folks. Minaya had a chance to address this in the offseason, when instead of gathering all of baseball's "change of scenery" guys or "low-risk/high reward" guys, maybe he could have gotten some true major leagues here. In fact, Minaya's chance to address this came on Day One of his tenure here, when he could have done more to build a real farm system instead of stocking Norfolk, New Orleans, and Buffalo with the likes of Elmer Dessens, Casey Fossum, Jose Lima, Brian Lawrence, Jose Offerman, Gerald Williams, Julio Franco, Chan Ho Park, Freddy Garcia, Dae Sung Koo, Ken Takahashi, Miguel Cairo, Brian Daubach, Kaz Ishii, Eli Marrero, Ricky Ledee, Moises Alou, Chip Ambres, Emil Brown, Wily Mo Pena, Bobby Kielty, Raul Casanova, Ramon Martinez, Brandon Knight, Brady Clark, Trot Nixon, Andy Phillips, Abraham Nunez, Tony Armas, Chris Aguila ...

But now? There's nothing Minaya can do except wait for the injured to come back, and there are no guarantees there. There's nothing Snoop can do. Oh he's trying. He had a "family talk" with the Mets after the loss. But Ozzie Guillen once said that good teams win games, while bad teams have meetings. The Mets are a bad team, plain and simple. And all the jargon and gangsta-speak and Dennis Greene impersonations and saying you need players one night and saying "my team is on the field" the next night does nothing but rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic. The ride is over. The ship has hit the iceberg. And all that's left to do is watch the carnage while floating away in the life raft. Don't worry, you'll hit shore on or around October 3rd.

Want positive? The Cyclones are 9-2.

Stroke Of Midnight

2009-06-30T03:56:00.005-04:00

Bong!
J.J. Hardy
doubled to left.

Bong!
R. Braun singled to center,
J.J. Hardy to third

Bong!
M. Cameron singled to left

Bong!
F. Catalanotto singled to right,
M. Cameron to third

Bong!
J. Kendall singled to shortstop,
M. Cameron scored,
F. Catalanotto to second

Bong!
J.J. Hardy homered to deep left center

Bong!
P. Fielder singled to right

Bong!
F. Catalanotto doubled to right center

Bong!
J. Kendall singled to center,
F. Catalanotto to third

Bong!
B. Looper singled to left,
F. Catalanotto scored,
J. Kendall to second

Bong!
J.J. Hardy singled to left,
B. Looper to third,
C. Counsell to second

Yes, it was Big Ben up in this Milwaukee hizzy. But before Fernando Nieve's clock could strike midnight as we all thought it might one day, Snoop Manuel came to the rescue after the 11th "bong" hit and saved him. Nieve's fifteen minutes haven't expired quite yet. However, this season is due to expire sooner than expected. What with Nieve beginning his transformation into a pumpkin, Carlos Beltran going to a microfracture expert, and Argenis Reyes batting leadoff, it's just a matter of time. Falling below .500 is only the first step towards becoming a "below average team".

And here's how you know the worst is yet to come: When Luis Castillo drops a pop-up by trying to catch it with one hand, the Mets lose and become a national joke. But when Casey McGehee drops a pop-up by trying to catch it with one hand, he atones by hitting a grand slam off a team who's offense is so putrid, they give Chien-Ming Wang his first win of the season and Braden Looper his first win in a month on back to back nights.

But hey, they came back in the ninth to close the gap to 27. They're resilient.

Everybody is hurt, there are no chips to trade for important pieces, and there's only so much that Snoop can do. And there's nothing for you to do as fans but sit idly by and witness the foundation burning to the ground. So why not sit back, enjoy the show, and roast some marshmallows. Because when life gives you lemons, you cook them.

Or something like that.

A Cherry On Top Of The Worst Subway Sundae Ever

2009-06-29T03:12:00.001-04:00

There are a couple of blogger standbys that I could resort too. But as I type this, I'm not sure which one fits better. I go back and forth between:

Proclaiming the 2009 season to be over, done, kaput, or ...
Proclaiming that the New York Mets should volunteer for contraction and cease operations.

They both sound like decent options.

Consider if you will: I wrote a post not so long ago coming up with some too funny to be true scenarios on how much worse losses can get this season. If I had come up with Frankie Rodriguez walking Derek Jeter to get to Mariano Rivera (after throwing Derek Jeter a hittable pitch to lead off the at-bat), and then walking Mariano Rivera for his first career RBI, I would bet that none of you would have thought that was more remotely plausible than any of the others on that list.

Yet, here we are, left to pick up the pieces while we sit at our keyboards trying to make sense of another 21st century laughingstock moment for this franchise.

In the big picture, Frankie walking Rivera (and if I have to hear Jon Miller call him "The Great Rivera" one more f-ing time, I'm going to stab my eyes and ears until I'm bleeding all over both the hardwood floors and the Tuscany tiles) with the bases loaded had nothing to do with the eventual outcome of the ballgame. But in the bigger picture, gee ... how about not walking a guy with two lifetime at-bats in fourteen years with the bases loaded? How about that??? How about losing a ball game without walking Mariano Rivera on national television? Am I asking for a lot? I'm not even asking for a win, I just want to be able to be able to leave my apartment without having to wear a paper bag over my head!!!

I mean, for crying out loud, Derek Jeter is smirking at the plate!!! Everyone in the dugout is trying not to bust a gut laughing. This is a moment that's a big joke to everyone wearing gray. And Frankie goes out and turns the joke right around on the Mets, as usual. I mean, how hard is Brian Bruney laughing right now? How hard are the Yankees laughing right now? They go into their off day as the happiest team in baseball, the sun shining on their world as usual. The Mets, meanwhile, get to take a plane ride to Milwaukee to begin their own personal death march towards another disastrous end of the season. And the only thing left for Frankie to do is to whip off that mask and expose to the world that he's merely Armando Benitez in disguise.

Mariano Rivera!!! He's about as useful a hitter as Dan Warthen is when he stands in the batters' box in the bullpen to simulate a live hitter! Dammit!

And one thing I don't want to hear until the Mets reel off seven in a row is how resilient this team is. Everybody wanted to drink the Kool-Aid after the Mets won the first game after Carlos Beltran went down ... and maybe because we've all been so desperate to see some resilience in this team that to see the Mets win without the bulk of their production was cause for celebration. Well guess what? Taking three of four from the Cardinals is a distant memory. But I'm sure that if the Mets go and win on Monday, we'll hear all this chatter from Snoop Manuel about how resilient this team is and how they're able to bounce back from tough losses.

Great! Then they'll lose two more to Milwaukee ... forcing the whole resiliency cycle to start again. So Snoop, how about laying off bragging about how the team is resilient until they actually get some distance between themselves and .500, the Braves, and the Marlins, whaddaya say? And while we're at it, how about letting go of the hallucination that Fernando Tatis can actually bunt? How about that?

And about that whole "shorthanded" thing? Sorry, marginal major leaguers should be able to get through an inning without kicking the ball around as if it had metal spikes laced with acid on them. And decent major leaguers should be able to handle a guy who comes into a game with an 0-6 record and an ERA of 11.60.

Eleven. Point. Sixty.

Oh, the Mets are shorthanded, boo-hoo. I was willing to go with that against CC Sabathia and A.J. Burnett. Against Chien-Ming Wang? No, you're going to have to do better than that. I mean, David Wright's a legitimate major leaguer, right? Right. A bonafide major leaguer who leads the N.L. in hitting, and couldn't get a freakin' hit during this whole freakin' series. Not one!

So yeah, I don't want to hear anything about shorthanded, resiliency, nor do I even want to hear anybody tell me "But Metstradamus ... Ya Gotta Believe". Because let's get one thing straight: After Ryan Church misses third base with the winning run, Luis Castillo drops the final out of a game, and BB-Rod walks Mariano Rivera with the bases loaded in the same season, the statute of limitations on my obligation to believe has officially run out. And I don't gotta do a damn thing except pay taxes and die.

One Hit Wonder

2009-06-28T02:45:00.000-04:00

When the highlight of a Yankees/Mets game is Keith Hernandez giving SNY viewers a riveting on-screen instructional of the intricacies of the cough button, that's when you have problems.

The Yankees defeated the Mets 5-0.

The SNY cough buttons defeated the Mets 3-0.

Where two hits at least could have been rubbed together to start a fire, the Mets couldn't even accomplish that, as they only had one all game. In fact, when Alex Cora struck out on a wicked A.J. Burnett (or has he dropped the periods and become AJ like his friend CC Sabathia) curveball in the first, the thought "well, let's get 'em tomorrow" escaped my lips. Seriously. (I'm impressed that it was Cora who got the only hit.) That's when I was told to have some optimism. You know the one thing that's worse than the Mets lineup right now? That's right, optimism.

Consider: Not only are Yankee fans able to get the best seats, but they're knocking pop-ups out of David Wright's glove in the stands. Not that it helped them (Robinson Cano struck out), but their baseball IQ rates higher than that of the Mets on the field. Now seriously, what the hell is that?

The worst part: Who can I really blame? Seriously? I'm going to pick on Jerry Manuel for batting Argenis Reyes second? Dumb? Yes. Difference making? Would putting Argenis in the eight hole or on the bench or in Buffalo have been the difference between zero runs and six ... or even one? For that matter, am I going to blame Argenis Reyes for being a .200 hitter? Man, that's like blaming a fish for being bad at breathing out of water, or Shaquille O'Neal for being tall, or Dennis Cook for having a temper. It's just who they are.

Frustratingly, blaming people would be akin to taking candy from multiple babies. It's just pointless. Burnett was on against a lineup where Brian Schneider had the best statistical chance to hit him. What exactly did we expect? At full strength, perhaps you can overcome a spotty performance by Tim Redding. When Argenis Reyes is batting second, well ...

Now if Monday's game recap contains the words "Chien-Ming Wang rediscovered his Cy Young form ..." then it's time to complain.

***

Speaking of complaining, Mark DeRosa went to the Cardinals for Chris Perez and a player to be named. Indians fans seem to be fairly confident that this player will be pretty good.

Mets fans will probably wonder if DeRosa was on Omar Minaya's radar. Considering what the Indians got, the asking price for Omar probably would have included one Mr. Robert Parnell. Is that a chance you would have taken?

So This Is What Baseball In Hell Is Like

2009-06-27T00:33:00.000-04:00

An ominous sign? Gee, ya think?

The Mo Zone: Specializing In Spreading Self-Doubt Among N.L. Right Fielders

2009-06-26T02:08:00.000-04:00

This is Ryan Ludwick.

Obviously, Ryan Ludwick has a lot on his mind in this shot. But what's foremost in his mind? Fernando Tatis' RBI single falling in front of him? Bobbling Nick Evans' eventual game winning two run double soon afterwards?

Or could it have been the constant heckling from the fans in the right field stands?

Maybe none of the above. But I'm not so sure. Let's just say I've never seen a right fielder run so fast after the third out of every inning.

Okay, okay. So he probably always does that. Tell the truth, I rarely study the post inning speed of opposing right fielders. But Ryan Ludwick being filled with self-doubt about his own abilities upon listening to the gentle advice of the fans in right field (part of the largest crowd in Citi Field history of which I was a part of, I might add) makes for a much better, and much more interesting blog post, so that's how I choose to interpret it. So there.

(I'll say this: If Ludwick blasted one of Frankie's offerings into the left field seats after being heckled all game, I would still be at the park mapping out a cool, dry spot on the Promenade to jump off because that pretty much would have been it. I'd like to think that the heckles played a part in Ludwick not driving one off the Acela Club, but that's just me.)

One thing the fans in right field did prove is that Luis Castillo knows what it takes to play in New York. As the game got started, somebody in the Mo Zone yelled an encouraging word to Luis, who promptly turned around and acknowledged the fan with a quick wave. Now who could blame Castillo if he wants to stay away from fans as much as possible. But there's two ways to handle an incident like Castillo's. And the path that Luis has chosen is the right path. From not ducking interviews to laughing at mock standing ovations for using two hands to thanking a fan for a yelp of encouragement, that's how you handle being an athlete in New York.

(That, by the way, is an observation first brought up by my baseball companion today, who was nice enough to rub off his good Citi Field mojo over my awful new park smell, as I was 0-4 before today. Thank you, kind sir.)

Yeah, I might call Castillo "Gloves of Steel" or "Glove of Gold, Brain of Steel", every once in a while. But if there's a guy that I secretly hope is the one to get the winning hit to clinch a division title, it's Castillo.

Of course, I also secretly hope that he doesn't have an MRI scheduled for Monday. Which reminds me, first 100 fans on Sunday night get free MRI's, so get there early.

Enjoy this image of the last pitch of the game, made possible by Johan Santana finding his game after walking Chris Carpenter, a sweet Fernando Martinez catch, and Frankie Rodriguez being just a few notches over Aaron Heilman ... at least as far as Yadier Molina was concerned.

Tinker Toys

2009-06-25T03:09:00.001-04:00

It's obvious as the nose on Snoop Manuel's face that as long as Fernando Nieve keeps pitching like this, he has to stay in the rotation. Isn't it?

Isn't it???

Well, maybe not. After all, Daniel Murphy has had nine hits in his last seven games before being benched against a righty on Wednesday night so Nick Evans could get into the lineup, and that 6-4-Tatis can stay there. Maybe Murphy came to Snoop asking for a breather. Maybe his last game being an 0-fer showed Snoop that Murphy needed a day of rest. But by that logic, everyone except Luis Castillo and Jeremy Reed needed to be benched after Jo-El Pineiro's two hitter.

My point is this: It's June ... late June. Everyone's on the DL. This whole Snoop notion of getting everybody at-bats has to be thrown out the window. There's no better chance to get players at-bats who need them to stay sharp. Gary Sheffield's knee is barking now? Guess what ... time for Ryan Church (3-for-4 with a long double to left which would have been out at Shea) to play every day and be in the middle of the order and not force-feed Sheffield back into the lineup. There isn't going to be a better opportunity to get Murphy in a groove and find out if he can do this every day than from now until the All-Star break. And if Nick Evans is going to go gangbusters as he did all over Brad Thompson on Monday, then let's put the kid in left field and find out if he can play and keep Fernando Tatis nailed to the bench if he's going to keep hitting into double plays.

It seems so obvious when it comes to using a hot pitcher like Nieve, why isn't it that obvious when it comes to hitters? The best players left have to play, and the lineup tinkering should be shelved.

There ... now that that's off my chest, hey, the Mets won 11-0! Awesome.

To reiterate, it was on the strength of another great outing from Fernando Nieve. And you thought I wasted a post on somebody who wasn't going to make the major league roster ... HA!

Well, I expected Nieve to be a disaster, so what the hell do I know? I'm just a dumb blogger, and I'm sorry. And if Nieve does this ten more times, I will apologize ten more times.

"I was thinking too much when I was with the Astros. The first time it was when (Roger) Clemens signed. Now, I just think about doing my job." -Fernando Nieve

So it's Clemens' fault. Figures. Screw you, Roger.

No similar salutation for Adam Wainwright, who admitted after this video that he still loves us Met fans. Well that's nice, but don't patronize me. The one thing that would have made 11-0 even better would have been if it was off Wainwright.

Superman: Son Of Jo-El

2009-06-24T03:34:00.002-04:00

I don't get it ... do the Mets orbit around a different colored sun that turns Jo-El Pineiro into a super hero?

That has to be the explanation. Oh you remember Jo-El as the guy who helped wreck the Mets season in 2007. And he was back at it again earlier this season. But Tuesday night was the topper as Pineiro hurled a two hit shutout and had as many hits at the plate as he gave up from the mound.

To reiterate: Joel Pineiro.

Not Bob Gibson ...

not Luis Tiant ...

not even Wade Boggs.

No, we talkin' 'bout Jo-El Pineiro ... who's obviously a combination of all three when he faces the Mets. Against everyone else, he's 1-8 in his last nine. Clark Kent for the rest of the National League, Jo-El of Krypton against the Mets. Of course.

In fact, Pineiro's hitting exploits had more of an effect on this game than he'll ever imagine. Snoop Manuel, obviously buoyed by the offensive exploits of Jo-El, decided he'd go one better: He called a hit and run with Livan Hernandez at the plate.

Now I know that this isn't your typical Mets/Cardinals rivalry ... it used to be that the Mets were the power hitting team and the Cardinals were the "go-go" team. That's what made that rivalry great because it wasn't just a battle between two hated rivals, it was a clash of baseball philosophies. And it feels weird to root for the team that has to be creative on offense, yet with all of the Mets' injuries, that's the world we live in.

That said, a hit and run with Livan Hernandez??? Has Snoop finally lost his ever-loving mind???

All right, so there weren't that many opportunities to do this tonight with Dizzy Dean on the mound, but inside a glass box marked "break in case of emergency" deep in the bowels of Citi Field, there lies a list of people decreed by baseball who should never be holding a bat during a hit and run. On this list:

Chris Davis (because the Rangers' first baseman has the highest swing and miss rate in the league, and is single handedly ruining not one, but three of my fantasy teams)
Pete Rose (because he's sixty-eight years old)
My niece (because she's eight)
Livan Hernandez
Jose Offerman (because we know what he has tried to do with a bat)

Predictably, the result was a disaster, much like the rest of this game ... and every game that Jo-El of Krypton pitches against this team of nine Jimmy Olsens and zero General Zods.

***

This may be a little late in getting to you, but if you feel like drowning your sorrows in steak, you can do so and help a good cause at the same time: Ron Darling and Bobby Ojeda will be at Gallagher's Steak House at 228 W. 52nd St. (between B'way and 8th) for a benefit for Urban Dove to assist New York City’s At-Risk Youth. Call 212-245-5336 for a last minute reservation, or tell your friends. And if there's none left when you call ... well, blame me.

***

Maybe to change the Mets luck, they can play this little ditty as the team hits the field at home:

I'll take it in lieu of Sweet Caroline.

Throwback

2009-06-22T22:44:00.004-04:00

Well, it's official. With the news that Carlos Beltran is now on the disabled list, joining his friends Jose Reyes and Carlos Delgado, the offense will be more of a 19th century offense. It was a simpler time where home runs came at a premium due to the fact that everyone was smaller and, as seen from the photo above, there were no walls.

Citi Field has walls but you have to take the 7 Train to Main Street to get to them.

The Mets, with their 16 home runs in Monday's lineup, have become the 1885 New York Giants. That team's entire roster had 16 home runs all season. Six came from their catcher, Buck Ewing, which puts him on par with our current slugger Brian Schneider. You see, old time baseball depended more on base hits, speed, and fundamentals ... which makes you wonder how the '885 Giants went 85-27 with a second baseman whose OPS was .399 (and you thought Wilson Valdez had no stick.)

Of course, the '885 Giants also had Mickey Welch and Tim Keefe, who threw 492 and 400 innings that season. So let's just say if Bobby Parnell continues to slide, then Johan Santana and Livan Hernandez had better not make any plans on their off days.

We now know this 19th Century blueprint to be the plan all along, as rather than add bats, the Mets are getting rid of bats at the rate of lightning. Wily Mo Pena? Javier Valentin? Bobby Kielty? Who needs 'em anyway! The Bisons can go 24-43 without those guys just as easily as they did with them. No, the Mets want to party like it's 1885 and grow handlebar mustaches and have their baseball cards sponsored by Allen & Ginter cigarettes.

And at this point, why not? Omar Minaya has had plenty of chances to go get the likes of Adam Dunn or Aubrey Huff to play in their outfield. But at this point, why trade for Dunn? So that his protection in the lineup can be Luis Castillo? It's like being protected by the immortal Dude Esterbrook.

(Editor's note: We interrupt this blog so that the blogger can pat himself on the back for working in a Dude Esterbrook reference. I trust this will not be the last time that "Dude" will appear in this space.)

And with other GM's sure to ask for the world knowing that Omar Minaya is desperate to upgrade the club with major league pieces, why bother now? Why dip in to the lower levels of the minors to come up with the Reese Havens' and the Ike Davis' of the world to trade for Dunn?

Oh that's right, because the Bisons are 24-43 and the Binghamton Mets are 26-42 ... that's why.

I've said it before: if the Mets can't get through this stretch of tough games with or without their guns then it's a lost season anyway. There's no guarantee trading for Adam Dunn tomorrow is going to fill all these holes and cure everything that ails them in the next two weeks. The opportunity to trade for a big bopper is gone with Beltran now. The window has closed and that bird has flown so far away that he's circling Canada with the rest of the geese. It's over. The next opportunity to make a trade that will bring a big piece in without destroying what's left of the farm system will come after Beltran and Reyes, and maybe Delgado come back. Then you trade from strength and give up less to get what you need. So for now, the best course of action is to return to a simpler time and try to take down a fighter jet with a rock.

And who's to say it can't happen? Who's to say that Daniel Murphy isn't going to get hot? He hit one of those futuristic 20th Century crazes known as the home run on Monday so who knows? And who's to say that Fernando Martinez isn't going to have a much better second stint in New York than first stint? With the pressure off now that the focus will be much more on who isn't there than who is there, why can't Martinez go under the radar a bit and start contributing? The Mets got themselves a big win on Monday with the 19th Century lineup, why can't they tread water with it for now? Heck, every time I predict doom anyway it never happens so why not?

And why can't Elmer Dessens be a beacon of light to a depleted bullpen?

Okay, that last sentence was proof positive that you can pull a hamstring simply by being overly optimistic. I hope your retinas weren't strained reading that.

But seriously, what more can the Mets do at this point except roll the dice and see if they can roll a seven? If their 19th Century singles offense can keep going as it did on Monday, great. If not, then there will be plenty of blame heaped on Omar's doorstep as something probably should have been done long ago anyway.

(Editor's note: It figures I would pick Dude Esterbrook out of the air. As it turns out, and I swear I didn't realize this until halfway through this blog post, that Esterbrook threw himself off a train on his way to a mental hospital and killed himself at the age of 43. Fitting because while Dude also played for the defunct New York Metropolitans in addition to the Giants, the current incarnation of the New York Metropolitans is slowly driving me to a similar fate.)

(Editor's Update: Want proof of my impending insanity? Jose Reyes was in a car accident on Monday. Seriously. The good news is he's fine, and there's no truth to the rumor that Cecil Wiggins was driving the fire truck that rear ended the car carrying Reyes and Ray Ramirez.)

Looks Like Bob Is Throwing Them Hard ... And Straight

2009-06-21T20:01:00.000-04:00

In a world where nothing is ever as it seems, you can count on three things to be certain in life:

You will die.

You will pay taxes or go to jail avoiding them.

Pat Burrell will play a part in your demise.

And when Bobby Parnell is in the midst of a patch as rough as this, you can be sure that Burrell will be there to take advantage. Oh, he could be wearing a different uniform. He could have a goatee that makes him look like Richard Karn. He could be visiting your new ballpark instead of the old one that he liked to haunt for so long. But it doesn't matter ... because when you root for the Mets, you have no choice but to experience two of life's certainties rolled into one: Death by Burrell.

Burrell merely started the rally off of the slumping Parnell that B.J. Upton and Evan Longoria finished off in the seventh. But you knew he would be involved in some capacity. Parnell just proved the theory that pitches may be fast, but the straight ones go faster towards the wall.

And before we go all "oh great, the offense finally delivered and the pitching falls apart", let's remember that one run was scored on a wild pitch, one run was scored on a base hit by Mike Pelfrey, one run was scored on a fielder's choice by Gary Sheffield, and another three run dinger by Babe Schneider. Yeah, the runs count ... but how many of them were legit? How long is the public supposed to depend on wild pitches and base hits by pitchers and Schneider pretending he's some sort of slugger?

Did you realize, as I didn't until today, that Mets catchers have driven in more runs than any other group of catchers in the league? Seriously? Do they get, like, the William M. Jennings trophy for that? Oh, there's no award for that? Let's invent one:

"The Ron Hodges Trophy."

More telling is that the Mets have gotten more RBI from the catcher position than any other position. What that tells, and who it tells of, I don't know. But it can't be good. So how's about Omar Minaya work the phones and get an honest to goodness run producer before the Phillies realize they're not as bad as they've been this week. Just an idea.

(Editor's note: You know what will happen now, right? Omar will try to acquire Burrell ... and the next sound you'll hear will be Metstradamus banging his head against the wall.)