Wednesday, February 25, 2009

He Broke A Nail

Turns out if you had "two outs into spring training" on your "First Mets Injury of the Year" pool, you can now collect your money, as Sean Green departed early from the first spring game of the season.

“My nail cracked a little bit a couple pitches before the end of that inning,” Green said, “so before I ripped it off completely, I just wanted to stop. I just didn't want it to get worse. It's one of those things that if you let if keep going it can get pretty nasty.”

“It never happened before, but it's a pretty easy fix,” Green said. “I'll just put a fake nail on it and it will be fine. I don’t plan on missing any time.
Speaking as somebody who had a nail almost completely torn off: Ouch!!! And speaking as someone counting on this bullpen being much better in '09 than it was in '08 (and as someone who doesn't so much care how minor this injury is), F#*$%k!!!

I did my research. You need some Nail RX base coat, some pink gel glue, a Q-Tip, a cuticle pointy stick thing (technical term), some Rose Salve, and some cuticle oil for putting on a fake nail. But what ever you do Sean, do not ... and I can't stress this enough: do not procure any of these items from Yuri Sucart ... or from any cousin you might have who is living in or around the Dominican Republic. In fact, if you have a cousin in Minnesota, don't go to him. Don't trust any of your cousins. Anywhere. Okay?

Hey, I'm here to help.

Monday, February 23, 2009

The Tale Of Churcherella

JM: Hey Danny!

DM: Yes coach?

JM: I've got great news for you. I've decided to make you my left fielder.

DM: That is great news. Thanks, coach!

RC: And what for me, coach? I'm all better now from my headaches.

JM: Oh Churcherella, you know I just can't just give you 162 games and say "you're my right fielder." You have to perform.

RC: But I'm all better now coach, I promise!

JM: I know. Now you run along and help Danny with his swing.

(Later, in the indoor batting cage)

RC: All right Murph, swing level.


DM: This is hard, Churcherella.

RC: C'mon Danny, you're an every day player now. And this is what it takes to win a ring. Ten more Danny!

(Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack! Fwack!)

DM: That work for you?

RC: Yeah Danny, your swing looks divine.

DM: Thanks.

RC: You know, I've long dreamed of being an every day player. I had the dream for a while last year. I hope that I could earn my new manager's trust and get that guarantee again.

DM: Oh Churcherella, you know good well that ex-Nationals with a history of concussions can't be every day players.

RC: But Danny! I'm all better now! I swear.

JM: Churcherella! Go down to the back field and gather up some broken bats.

(In a remote field littered with broken bats ...)

RC: I know I can be an every day player. I don't know why my manager doesn't have trust in me.

(Suddenly, a man emerged from a burst of light. He was dressed to the nines ... immaculate while all in white.)

RC: Who the hell are you.

FG: I'm here to help you, Churcherella.

RC: Are you my Fairy Godfather or something?

FG: Yeah, something like that. I'm here to tell you that you're going to start this season ... 162 games.

RC: But how? Jerry will certainly put Fernando Tatis' name on the lineup card.

FG: Don't worry (waves magic wand).

RC: Wow! It's a new glove ... and a new set of maple bats!

FG: Yes. Now you'll prove that you're indeed worthy of 162 games. Now get me seven mice ... and make sure they're alive.

(Churcherella gathers seven mice living beyond the warning track of the back field, and the Fairy Godfather waves his wand again.)

RC: Wow! You turned seven mice into an Escalade!

FG: Yes ... because that's what home run hitters drive. Stick with me and there will be more where that came from. Now remember, be sure you're off that field before midnight or your head will turn into a pumpkin.

RC: Umm ... uh, okay.

(April 6th/Cincinnati)

GC: "Well Keith, here's the final hope for the Mets and it's Ryan Church with the bases loaded against Francisco Cordero on Opening Day."

KH: "Church has had a good day going 3-for-3 with his newfound nice level swing."

GC: "First pitch to Church and it's a high fly ball hit to deep right field, back goes Bruce to the track ... to the wall ... and it's outta here! Ryan Church hits a grand slam and the Mets have a 7-4 lead! Four hits for Ryan Church!"

KH: "I think it's going to be hard to get Ryan Church out of this lineup."

(April 13th/Citi Field)

FT: Jerry! Jerry! When am I going to get an at bat?

JM: Sorry Fernando, I can't take Church out of the lineup now ... he's hitting .782 with five home runs. I don't know how he's doing it. Don't worry, I'll get you an at-bat. I'll make sure of it.

GC: "We're coming up on the stroke of midnight in this one and the Mets are in a sticky situation. Bases full of Padres and Cliff Floyd is coming up as a pinch hitter with two men down, Keith."

KH: "My wife left the roast in the oven for me. It's probably burnt to a crisp right now."

GC: "First pitch is hit in the air to right field, that's deep. Back goes Church, back near the wall and ... he made the catch diving head first into the wall! What a catch by Ryan Church right at the stroke of midnight and the inning is over."

KH: "Church is acting a little strange, Gary. He seems confused ... and now he's running clear out of the stadium, Gary. Well I'm no doctor but he seems to have another concussion. So for all you kids out there make sure your walls are padded."

GC: "Keith it's almost as if his head turned into a pumpkin. He panicked, dropped his mitt on the field and ran off. I hope he's okay."

JM: Heh heh heh. (Twirls his mustache.)

(April 14th/Citi Field)

JM: Can I help you?

HoF: Yes, we're from the hall of fame. We found the glove where Ryan Church made that incredible catch and we're going to display it in Cooperstown. We just need to verify it by having Ryan try it on.

JM: You mean Churcherella? Oh that's not possible. You must mean my regular left fielder, Daniel Murphy.

HoF: No, we clearly saw the catch on SportsCenter, it was Church. Now can he just come try it on?

RC: I'm right here (tries the mitt on, and it's a perfect fit.)

HoF: Excellent! We'll just take this for display and we'll be on our way.

JM: No! It's not possible!!!

(Suddenly another burst of light appears.)

FG: Yes, it is possible.

RC: Oh thank you, fairy godfather!

FG: No problem. Now that you're off to this hot start you're going to want your contract re-negotiated. Now you'll want to take your money and invest it in the Stanford Financial Group. It can't miss.

JM: Wait a minute, you're no fairy godfather ... you're ...

All: Scott Boras!

FG: And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling Mets.

Mike Pelfrey: Hey! You owe me money!

JM: Yeah! Let's get him!

Tim Redding: Wait! Wait!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAIT! Before you guys kill him, can you wave that magic wand one more time Fairy Godboras, and fix my shoulder?

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Finishing What Wes Helms Started

I'm sure most of you saw this on Metsblog, but for those that didn't, here is Shea Stadium's last stand earlier today:

I know the dream is coming. It may not be tonight ... it may not be tomorrow ... it may not be until next winter. But the dream is coming. It'll be the one where I'm in Shea Stadium, and Darryl Strawberry is trying to bat in the bottom of the ninth, down by three with the bases loaded against Todd Worrell through a driving rainstorm when the umps finally pull the tarp on the field. And we'll all have to go to the ramps to wait out the rain. Except that all of a sudden I'll look around, and the ramp that I'm on is one of the ramps in the above video, and the rest of the stadium will magically disappear, replaced by rubble. And I'm all alone watching the welder below slice open the piece of metal which sends the whole thing down. And I'll be grabbing on to the side for dear life but it's no use, because I'm going down with that last piece of rubble.

And when I emerge from the pile, the welder takes off his mask revealing himself to be Bobby Bonilla. And he's laughing at me.

Cue the cold sweat.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Bloggers To Beat

They're even obsessed with our logo!

It's an interesting idea that has been done before, but never with these two teams: Yes, there is a new Mets/Phillies blog making the rounds these days, and the authors were nice enough to find me for an interview about the rivalry. The blog is called, oddly enough, "We're The Team to Beat". And you can find my interview here.

Thanks to Matt (the Mets fan) and Mike (the Phillies fan) for having me. And if they don't kill each other by July maybe I'll make a second appearance. I wish them well.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Economically Stimulating

Life got ya down? Worried about mounting bills? The unemployment rate? The rising cost of attending sporting events?

The signing of Livan Hernandez?

Well there's good news on the horizon the economic stimulus package has been approved by our Congress. We all know that there are better ways to spend money than others. So before we all go willy-nilly on how to spend that small amount of extra money, I'm here to give some suggestions as to some prudent, and not so prudent ways to spend that extra money that comes into your pocket.

Ramon Castro
DO BUY: A giant head rest.
DON'T BUY: Real estate in New York City.

Mike Pelfrey
DO BUY: A subscription to Netflix.
DON'T BUY: A souped up golf cart.

Fred Wilpon
DO BUY: A lefty reliever.
DON'T BUY: "Ponzi Schemes, They're Not Just a Herman Edwards Blitz Package Anymore" by Bernie Madoff.

Ryan Church
DO BUY: An "I Love NY" t-shirt.
DON'T BUY: Driving lessons from Mike Pelfrey.

Freddy Garcia
DO BUY: Long term health insurance.
DON'T BUY: Hedgeclippers.

Frankie Rodriguez
DO BUY: More red tinted contact lenses.
DON'T BUY: Contact lenses that make you see three strike zones.

Oliver Perez
DO BUY: Something. Anything. It really doesn't matter. You can afford it now.
DON'T BUY: Anything that Rick Peterson might be selling.

Roberto Alomar
DO BUY: A good lawyer.
DON'T BUY: Jackie Chiles.

Brian Schneider
DO BUY: A better scriptwriter.
DON'T BUY: "Be an Offensive Force at the Catcher Position" by Charlie O' Brien

Jerry Manuel
DO BUY: Nextel Direct Connect for the bullpen staff.
DON'T BUY: Livan Hernandez's assertion that he can go one more inning. Speaking of ...

Livan Hernandez
DO BUY: Health and workout tips from Heath Bell.
DON'T BUY: Health and workout tips from his half-brother.

Luis Castillo
DO BUY: "Leading Off for Dummies" by Rickey Henderson
DON'T BUY: "Drawing an Inside Straight During a Playoff Game" by Rickey Henderson

Omar Minaya
DO BUY: Will Ohman
DON'T BUY: Oil Can Boyd (tempting as a 49-year-old may be)

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

List Hunt

Answer me this:

Do you really want to know who else is on this "A-Rod list?"

Do you really want to know who tested positive for the juice in '03?

I'd rather not.

They say that nobody who is exposed as a juicer should surprise you anymore. And I thought: "Well, if a good portion of the 2003 Mets were on the juice it would surprise me." Why?

They only won 66 games. And it would really hurt me to think that these guys destroyed the "sanctity of the game" and still couldn't win more than 66 games in the process.

But then I thought, "You know, it really wouldn't surprise me. It can't surprise me. Can it really surprise me that this particular team couldn't even win while cheating?"

So I really don't want to know if Jeff Duncan was on Prednisone.

Or if Orber Moreno was on Deca-Durabolin.

Or if Jay Bell smoked some tainted mushrooms.

I don't want to know. And to be honest, I kinda wish this would all go away. But it isn't going to anytime soon because baseball took it's sweet time dealing with this (while getting every last dollar they could off the fans during the McGwire/Sosa era), and they can't even get an anonymous test right (how exactly does it take six days to destroy evidence?)

Besides: at this point, is anybody on that '03 Met team, or any ballplayer for that matter, is really worried about being outed at this point? Chances are, most of those players have already been outed in the Mitchell report (which everyone has pretty much forgotten about), are not nearly as big as Rodriguez and whom nobody will care about, or is Robby Alomar ... who wouldn't be worried about his name being on that list because, umm ... he has bigger problems right about now.

(Editor's note: Way to go Orlando Sentinel ... "Ex-Met great Roberto Alomar"? Seriously? "Ex-Blue Jay great", maybe. "Ex-Indian great", I'd believe. "Ex-Met awful", that's acceptable. "Ex-Met great?" Are you serious? Does anybody do homework anymore? And would he have been an "Ex-Met great" if the story involved Alomar giving a million dollars to overseas orphans? No, because giving money to overseas orphans doesn't get you in the newspaper.)

(Editor's note, the sequel: The author of this blog long ago mused on Barry Bonds. His thoughts on Alex Rodriguez are largely the same. He doesn't believe in asterisks, he thinks the media ... then and now ... have gotten the focus of the issue all wrong. And he thinks the fact that Rodriguez cares way too much about what people think of him has gotten him in all this trouble. Peer pressure, thy name is A-Rod. So this blog's author will not bore you, fine reader, by repeating himself.)

(Editor's note, the other sequel: How often can you come out with a book about drugs and groupies and not even shock anybody? With all the steroids and lawsuits out there, that's exactly what Darryl Strawberry has done. What could he possibly write that wasn't already talked about or implied in Pearlman's book?)


I think Ryan Church has won me over:
"It was [shocking what Francesa said], actually. It was one of those things where it made me pissed off, but the season's over and I think he's a Yankee fan, so he's got nothing else to do, so he might as well pick on somebody. I know I felt like crap [from the second concussion] when I came back but everybody's entitled to their own opinion and stuff like that, but I know what I said and what I didn't say. I'll have to get an 'I [Love] NY' shirt, if that makes anybody feel better."
Well I feel better already.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Cross Another One Off The List

"If one of the pitchers should happen to fall, three of last year's relievers on the wall."

"Maybe Bill Pulsipher is available ..."

Friday, February 06, 2009

Invitation Only

Wait, Elmer Dessens was invited to spring training?

Apparently this is a party everyone gets an invite to. Excellent. We'll all have a good time. Why look, in the corner, there's Grant Roberts sharing his bong with Michael Phelps. Now that's a party!

And there ... in the other corner ... there's Ambiorix Burgos playing dominoes. What could possibly go wrong?

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

You Don't Suppose...

Now that the Mets have all their pitching, and that they've pretty much locked Manny Ramirez out of the hut, you think they might renew their interest in trading for Jermaine Dye?

He's a right handed bat (which they want), he's going to cost about $14 million less than Manny (which they like), and now that the White Sox are seemingly close to Bobby Abreu, there could be a necessity to trade Dye. (May we interest you in a slap hitting second baseman, Chicago?)

But seriously, I don't know what the Sox would want going the other way. It can't be much if they absolutely have to trade him, but it will probably be Homer Bailey in a deal that was rumored long ago. So I doubt Dye to the Mets would actually happen. But this is the kind of blog post you get when my caretakers actually allow me to think.

In an unrelated epiphany, if the Mets sign Victor Diaz as that right handed bat and think that bringing "Little Manny" back would take Mets fans mind off of "Big Manny", I'm going to jump off what remains of Shea Stadium. So they'd better knock that puppy down quick.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Full Ties

Omar Minaya and Oliver Perez might as well have been in a Junior High School gymnasium during 8th grade prom, inching towards each other as all the cool kids have already found dance partners. When finally they embrace, they realize that the only dance partners they ever really needed were each other.

Minaya and Perez are the Skippy Handelman and Kimmy Gibbler of major league baseball. And finally, they've come to their senses and found each other. Play the slow music, Mr. Disc Jockey. We're havin' a slow dance for homecoming.